December 18, 2004
How things are..
Well, I finally have a wee bit of time to do an entry.. a little about myself and my dealings with first depression and then recently (finally!) diagnosed with the actual problem..Bi-polar disorder. My name is Helen and I have three children. I was 18 when I had my first, a daughter who is now 24. I then had my second at 21 (got married that year, too), a son who will be 21 in March and then when I was 30, my final son was born. He will be 13 in January'05.In my opinion now, I had these kids when I was too young mentally. I would love to have had them in the same order, the same kids, of course, but later on in life.. perhaps the first one at 30?
I was first diagnosed with Depression some time when my middle son, was an infant. Things just didn't seem to be as "happy" as they used to be. I spent the next few years back and forth to the Doctor, trying new meds and floundering around mentally. Some days were so bad I would wish I was not of this earth at all. I thought this was normal to feel this stressed out, what with youngsters and all.. I just didn't have the gumption to handle things, I thought. (I was, after all, "Stupid, Fat and Ugly" my entire life, why would things be different now??) More on that, later. (when I delve into background stuff)In the meantime, more kids, more stress, more family stress (brothers-in-law living with us, married to a work-aholic). Very young indeed. I had grown up, made a great family, had it all eventually, and then it came crashing down. Like all crystal houses, the larger ones seem to crash with amazing strength. (something I sure as hell had none of!)This brings to me present time, finally figuring things out, but none the less still fighting myself, all the time... ALL the time. I am currently medicated, somewhat, with a Doctor who thinks I can go off them eventually, which of course, is my goal. I have ruined both myself and my kids financial futures, I have been one hell of a crappy parent, I love them with all my heart, but that is sometimes not enough.
My thoughts on why I am writing this? I want to journal it for my own healing, my own cleansing, so to speak. There will be times when things are currently happening.. and others when I am stepping back in time to sort through the mess I call my life. This is it, this is the way things are. This is my reality.
Posted by hellonwhls on December 18, 2004 03:59 PM