Main » December 2004

December 30, 2004

tsunami

I can not fathom the newest death toll of 84,000. Eighty four Thousand. Humans, all loved, all belonging to someone. All of them gone. This is a number that makes no sense. What is it? How can this be so huge?
I read a great commentary this morning at www.beliefnet.com.
Here is the link, worth reading.

"http://www.beliefnet.com/story/158/story_15866_1.html"

Posted by hellonwhls at 05:16 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

December 28, 2004

Lazy..(part two) aka, Am I Lazy?

There are times when I wonder if I am just plain lazy... or perhaps it's the meds.. or the disease itself, manifesting..making me feel like doing nothing. Although I suppose, if I look deeply at it, I am not really doing nothing, just pretending. Today I got up @ 4:30, had my coffee, shower, ready for work.. left the house @ 5:30, worked from 6-1pm. Left work, went to take empties back (not open) went to the bank (not open) went and visited Anne. (home) Filled the car up, bought smokes, came home. Made some turkey buns for me and Billy, put the rest in the freezer, did all the dishes (last nights, too)and cleaned up a bit. Now I am here, being lazy again. Its 4:35pm... I don't want to do anything more today, but I will have to make supper soon...
Damn, I just wanted to be lazy...
hmmm..

Posted by hellonwhls at 03:32 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Lazy..(part one) aka, Am I Lazy?

Resistant to work or exertion; disposed to idleness.
Slow-moving; sluggish: a lazy river.
Conducive to idleness or indolence: a lazy summer day.
Depicted as reclining or lying on its side. Used of a brand on livestock

Posted by hellonwhls at 04:34 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Christmastime...

MOOD:not bad, not bad at all..
We had a most excellent Christmas this year, other than really missing the kids, next year we will all be together, no matter what! Billy gave me a bunch of new things for our Christmas village, a pond, skating rink, some benches and sidewalk stuff. Its really looking good now. We went to Anne and Bills early in the morning and had another gift opening there, lovely things from them. They made a very cool thing for Billy. His first gift was a map and compass with instructions for finding a second gift and map *downstairs in the coffeetable*. Then he had to go outside and find another one in the woodshed, back in the house to decipher the map...then finally outside once more to the garage where the bike was! Very awesome indeed, a Christmas he will remember always and hopefully pass the idea on to his kids.

Next payday I am going to buy a ticket for Brody to come out here as I have been worried about him for a while now and he is not living with Carissa anymore. So its time to have him "home" with us for a while and help him get it together. There is so much work here he shall have no problem. He asked his dad for money for food and dad said no, another thing for me to dislike him for. I still wonder what it was I saw in him? I guess it's the fact he has changed soooo much is all. He was not like that, or was he?

I started Paxil the day before Christmas eve and have been so stinking tired it's not funny. Of course, nothing any different in the "brain department" as of yet, as always, a couple or 3 weeks they say. We shall see. Up to 185.00/month for my meds, no wonder I am depressed! :-)

Posted by hellonwhls at 03:43 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

December 23, 2004

just another freezing day

MOOD:Cranky
Let the games begin. Another Dr visit and yet another change in meds. Now we are going to keep the Lamactil going and try Paxil which of course I have heard nothing but crap about. I will add some links about that.
Too cranky to write more

Posted by hellonwhls at 02:52 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

December 22, 2004

another cranky day

MOOD:ick!
I got three days worth of meds yesterday from the pharmacist, I was starting to lose it at work. I am still full on miserygirl today though. Its -33C outside, I dread the idea of warming the car. 2 more days of getting up for work then 4 off! I have Christmas and the 3 days afterwards, looking forward to that in a large way. I found out Billy peeked at his gifts again, I am disappointed in that.
Time to get ready for work

Posted by hellonwhls at 03:11 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

December 21, 2004

first day of winter

MOOD:miserable
I have been out of my meds for a couple of days, its payday on thursday, will get some then. I don't recommend running out of them, its not physically good and sure is not mentally. misery loves company, I better get ready for work

Posted by hellonwhls at 04:30 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

December 18, 2004

How things are..

Well, I finally have a wee bit of time to do an entry.. a little about myself and my dealings with first depression and then recently (finally!) diagnosed with the actual problem..Bi-polar disorder. My name is Helen and I have three children. I was 18 when I had my first, a daughter who is now 24. I then had my second at 21 (got married that year, too), a son who will be 21 in March and then when I was 30, my final son was born. He will be 13 in January'05.In my opinion now, I had these kids when I was too young mentally. I would love to have had them in the same order, the same kids, of course, but later on in life.. perhaps the first one at 30?
I was first diagnosed with Depression some time when my middle son, was an infant. Things just didn't seem to be as "happy" as they used to be. I spent the next few years back and forth to the Doctor, trying new meds and floundering around mentally. Some days were so bad I would wish I was not of this earth at all. I thought this was normal to feel this stressed out, what with youngsters and all.. I just didn't have the gumption to handle things, I thought. (I was, after all, "Stupid, Fat and Ugly" my entire life, why would things be different now??) More on that, later. (when I delve into background stuff)In the meantime, more kids, more stress, more family stress (brothers-in-law living with us, married to a work-aholic). Very young indeed. I had grown up, made a great family, had it all eventually, and then it came crashing down. Like all crystal houses, the larger ones seem to crash with amazing strength. (something I sure as hell had none of!)This brings to me present time, finally figuring things out, but none the less still fighting myself, all the time... ALL the time. I am currently medicated, somewhat, with a Doctor who thinks I can go off them eventually, which of course, is my goal. I have ruined both myself and my kids financial futures, I have been one hell of a crappy parent, I love them with all my heart, but that is sometimes not enough.
My thoughts on why I am writing this? I want to journal it for my own healing, my own cleansing, so to speak. There will be times when things are currently happening.. and others when I am stepping back in time to sort through the mess I call my life. This is it, this is the way things are. This is my reality.

Posted by hellonwhls at 03:59 PM | Comments (0)