Main » January 2005
January 29, 2005
strange things...
A couple of weeks ago I left work early. I had been having a rather bad day and Travis just kept treating me like a baby. Telling me to change oven temps for French bread, buns, etc. (all things I surely know by now??!!) So I was being very uncommunicative. I work better this way anyhow, just focus on the job at hand and do it. When he is the early baker, I usually let him run the oven, or at least ask him what his plans are for the proofer and retarder, etc. When I am early baker, he still feels the need to "run the show". I had taken over ovens for a while, which gave him reason (excuses?) for telling me the info I clearly know (I do the same job as him, and he does take days off. Who does he think bakes when he is not there?)
As the day wore on, it was almost time for him to leave and I had another 4 hours afterwards. Plenty of time to get things done, and if not, we were both on next day and could get caught up. Travis has a huge problem with this... working together if we are behind, and as things moved along he started going off about this exact fact. How could I have worked the other day and still was behind??! He then told me my work was "unacceptable" and he had never "met a baker so disorganized, who knows as little as I do". Now, I do take offense to this as I know I am good at my job. I have never had a complaint before about my work habits or ethic, in fact, I have many great references from every place I have worked. Here is a 24 year old child (more on this in a bit) whose experience is a doughnut shop before this job, telling me I am unacceptable?
So.. rather than being my usual in your face kind of person, I walked out. I was very near to some name calling and other actual "unacceptable" work comments so that was the only thing I could do. I basically ran to my locker, grabbed my clothes, left in my whites and started the car. It was -36C that day, so rather than warming the car there, I snuck over to the Zellers parking lot and let it warm up. Drove, rather haphazardly to the booze store, bought some beer and went home. Drank a couple and had a nap. I had a doc appointment that afternoon so discussed this with him, telling him of my choice to leave which he decided was not a bad idea. I called the store wanting to talk to Sheila, got Travis instead.. some more verbal abuse and thank God, the phone ran out of minutes, he of course figured I hung up on him, hahaha! The store manager called me and asked to smooth things over so I would come in next day. Travis and I hardly said 2 words to each other. We still rarely do. I have had it with him, he thinks I am incompetent, he is wrong, end of story.
He aslo makes $18.90 and hour, I make $12.90. Same job, same stuff, he has been there less than a year. I work things out with the union on that one this morning at 11.
Posted by hellonwhls at 03:07 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
January 28, 2005
OCD
Counting
Listing
Plate Labelling
Disorganized? hmmm, not usually, why so, then?
Categorizing
Posted by hellonwhls at 07:59 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
January 26, 2005
I dont want to work
I just want to bang on my drum all day
Posted by hellonwhls at 02:10 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack
January 20, 2005
Counting
How many stairs are there on a "normal" set? How many ceiling tiles are there in the dentists? How many buns can you make from 5-12oz's of dough? a 12lb piece? How much bread do you get from 60kg of flour? Have you ever wondered at these things? I KNOW how many. I Know how many/much/costs/numbers/divisions/trees/cups. I hate it. I also know that the more I delve into reading (s) about depression, bi-polar, OCD and other "funny things in my head" the more of these "funny things" I have. I never thought that I might be Hypocondriac.. I actually don't think I am. I just need to know stuff. All kinds of stuff. Uninteresting stuff, trivial stuff, important stuff. It drives me insane. I NEED to know why I need to know stuff. So I search, I look on the internet.. I used to use the library, but this is much easier, and who needs encyclopedias any more? Where can you even get any? I need to know right now.. RIGHT now. The internet is a drug, an information filled, stressed out, seething pill of information.
Things I have figured I might or actually DO have: ( I see the doctor tomorrow and am going to discuss this with him, along with the need to see someone to talk to about this crap)
Starting with body things, then brain things
I know I have high blood pressure.
I know I have high cholesterol.
I think/know I have Bi-polar disorder.
I know I am depressed.
I know I suffer from SAD
I think I suffer from OCD. "suffer from, a whole new episode?"
I will save this and finish editing later ... my best GF is online and I want to talk to her
Posted by hellonwhls at 01:46 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Paxil
I go to the Doc's tomorrow to talk about how this Paxil has been making me feel... I am not sure it has really been helping at all, I might need a higher dose? I suppose when I think about it, I dont feel panic as much.. I am a bit less cranky..I am fairly mellow, but not where I think normal would be.
Posted by hellonwhls at 01:42 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
January 12, 2005
day seven
gisele called me last night and asked if I want to make some overtime. Guy, the muffin man at work was supposed to start school a week ago (taking welding) so now cant work. I will be the muffin gal today and tomorrow for sure, all of it overtime, nice, I guess, but hell, I AM FREAKING TIRED!
Posted by hellonwhls at 05:05 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
January 11, 2005
final working day of six
been too tired in the mornings to even hardly make it to work, let alone post here, day six today of work. i need a shower
Posted by hellonwhls at 02:15 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
January 07, 2005
meds
MOOD:not bad..not real good, either
Well its two weeks of the paxil now, i still think I feel pretty much the same as before. Very strange indeed. So my cocktail now consists of Paxil25mg once a day, Lamactil 20mgs twice a day, Lipitor20mg once a day, Vaseretic10/25mg once a day. These are grouped into two groups, brain meds and body meds, which is how I remember what I have in my hand in the morning. 2 brain, 2 body.. then the usual couple of advil for good measure. I am curious about the Lamactil though, if its a mood stableizer...does it stableize the mood in an elevated state or a pissy one, depending on which it is that day? I asked dr heally this before the paxil, which actually made him change me TO paxil without an actual answer. Was I on to something? or am I just ON something. hahaha
I hate when I hit the snooze bar.. it messes up my hanging out time in the morning.
Posted by hellonwhls at 02:02 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
January 06, 2005
blue day, blah day
MOOD:CRAPPY AS HELL
I am in one hell of a place mentally today. Just full on depressed. I came home with all these plans on getting things cleaned up in here... here I sit. I did manage the kitchen table, got the Xmas cloth off there and back to the normal one. I went to go and pay my late rent, the office was closed. I have to call them tomorrow for an "appointment" seeing they close at noon. My knee is freaking killing me. It's all hot and sore and throbbing. I limped around all day at work, which sure as hell didn't help it at all. I haven't eaten since last night. I need to but nothing sounds good. I am going to lay on the couch with the heating bad, screw it...
Posted by hellonwhls at 12:10 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
family
Some times I just suck at being a Mom. Some times I just sucked at being a daughter.
Posted by hellonwhls at 01:39 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
sleep
I often wonder what depression has to do with sleep, or... what does sleep have to do with depression?
Most days in my life, I manage to get by with around 4 hours of sleep, with an occasional afternoon nap thrown in. I am always yawning, always on edge. I never manage to find time for sleep, I am like a toddler refusing to sleep for fear of "missing out". In the same breath, it sounds like if I have all this time in a day, 20 hours or so, I should have everything done.. every thing around me should be spotless, all the laundry should be caught up. Not so. My thoughts and actions are continually scattered. I find something new to start every few minutes or so. I find this in my writings, also. Always starting with one topic and swirling through a million other things in random..nothing necessarily falling in any order. I am like this in my workplace also. I always find myself clock watching, thinking to myself.. I have plenty of time to finish this.. then running out of time. My house at this very moment looks like a bomb went off in here, each space has something in it that doesn't belong. (reminds me of the old Sesame Street song, "One of these things are not like the other...one of these things just doesn't belong")
On the other hand, yesterday I came home around 3pm. I had a bite to eat, had a visit with Billy, then fell asleep on the couch. I slept until 5pm..got up and made dinner. I fell asleep again, this time until around 8pm, was awake for about 15 minutes, then back to sleep until 10pm. I managed to stay awake for about half an hour this time. Back to bed again, this time until 5am. So in a 12 hour period, I was awake for approximately one hour and 45 minutes. There is a definate link to my sleep patterns and the seasons. I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) as well as the depression and Bipolar. Am I hibernating? Is this some form of linking back to cavedwelling days? Sleep is a great way to not have to deal with things, like cold, hunger, life.
Posted by hellonwhls at 01:36 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
January 02, 2005
fighting with billy
Here I sit, listening to billy verbally abuse me. I don't know what to do about it. Billy is 12. I try to make him go to his room, he yells louder, yelling "dont touch me". We live in an apartment, the neighbours below alreay hate me, so this is just fuel for their fire. He wants to go to BC. NOW. This is a 24 hour drive he is talking about, he knows this, too. Now he is yelling about me hating him. he is out of control. tomorrow he is going to not go to school, or if he goes, he is going to get expelled, he tells me. He told me I was ugly. I am offended beyond belief. All of the kids know the verbal abuse I took as a child, and this was one of the worst things I have ever been told. I look in the mirror daily and am confirmed of this. I know that no matter how many people are in a room, I am the fattest, the ugliest, the stupidest one there. This has been instilled in me since I was young.
Posted by hellonwhls at 06:09 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
January 01, 2005
mood of late
I have been taking the Paxil just over a week and in general notice nothing much yet. This is normal, expecting 2-4 weeks of saturation time. My mood in general is still fluctuating like a pendulum..i hope this changes, that is the whole point!
Arrrgh, i notice my temper is still short
Posted by hellonwhls at 05:14 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
First day of a New Year
I always want to sleep in, and I guess sleeping until 4 or so is, but I want to sleep till noon! What is with that? I plan on going back to bed and trying for sleep again, a waste of time.. waste of time? Like I have anything else planned for my time today, other than cleaning the house for the first time this year... and it is a mess! I will do my best to avoid that chore, as always. Our evening last night was very nice and uneventful, but memorable nonetheless.
Billy and I went out at 4 to rent some videos (ron paid us early and didnt tell, we have been broke/unbroke since the 20th!)off to Rogers we go, freezing and driving what feels like a tank in this cold weather.. I love that old car, she does me no wrong (touching wood)we slip slide our way into the FULL parking lot commenting on that fact. Finally make a parking spot near A&W, lose our breath again in the cold and stumble into the fullest store I have seen since the holidays started. We quickly find a couple of videos, Supersize Me and Shaun of the Dead (and purchase Bedazzled for less than the rental of the others)stop at the liquour store (a vodka drink would be nice on new years) and then McDonalds.. Likely our last visit there in a looooonnnng time since watching SuperSize Me..omg, what a great movie! A must see for anyone.. dealing with being fat is bad enough, watching a documentary about how sick we really are hit home. Thanks for that! Then Shaun of the Dead which we howled are heads off watching, so funny! As always I fell asleep watching Bedazzled, Billy woke me about 15 minutes before the new year. We watched a comedy countdown, said a pathetic Happy New Year (although I trully meant it for him, he has had a couple of crappy years, now), back to sleep for me on the couch, then off to bed @ 1. Then, even though some bad sleeps on the couch, up at stinkin FOUR!
oh hell, I am lame as lame can be
and I am lazy today, actually, fully lazy.. I shall clean up, no matter what! yeah... right
Posted by hellonwhls at 04:59 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
