Main » April 2005
April 24, 2005
Day 3, afternoon
I called Annie around 1pm to see what was up and how they are. She immediately went on about my bills and my rent. "I am not trying to stress you out, or anything" she says. Ummmm, sure. "They are going to come and seal your apartment off and boot you out." I explained for about the fifth time that I had already spoken to Brenda about this and being in the hosp also. We will pay here when some money comes in, they know this.
Brody has offered up cash from his paycheck and his income tax plus he told Ron we need the money from him early to make rent, too. I am working on a list of things to take care of this week...
This includes, rent $695.00 x 2, cable $140.00, power $220.00
Call social services and see if they can help.
Mood now?
Foul
Posted by hellonwhls at 05:55 PM | Comments (0)
Hospital Day 3 (6am)
Mood: Not bad
Music: Under my Thumb
Woke up a few times last night, only three, though. 11:15 (needed a smoke) 2am then 3am for a pee. Woke up at 6:15 so not bad all around. Less stress about the smoking thing this morning, I guess I am getting used to it...not sure, I am not zinging as much yet, either, thank God. Had a visit with the boys yesterday, very nice to see them both. We sat outside in the sun. Billy was fidgeting around on the stairs, which was driving me insane. I was Zinging hard when returned upstairs. I need to work more on my relaxing if I am to ever get out of here.
Posted by hellonwhls at 05:09 PM | Comments (0)
April 23, 2005
In the Hosptital, part three (warning, some choice expletives)
6:32AM
This sucks. I am so stressed out my eyes are vibrating. Electric shocks are running through me. Neck is sore, back is sore, hips are sore which leads me to last nigh'ts stress. "Give me a Tylenol please". I sit here in a building filled with enough drugs to kill half the town and no one will give me a fucking Tylenol?!!? WTF?? Now there won't be a doctor around all weekend.
I am screwed.
Panic, manic, panic, manic
Shit
I thought that writing this down would help but I am almost tearing through the paper.
My heart is pounding and every time I move my eyes, another Zinger.
Posted by hellonwhls at 04:59 PM | Comments (0)
In the Hospital
I know today is Saturday but I am not sure at all of the date. I came here on the 21st, so I guess that makes today the 23rd. I have been having a hard time with the times of things in here. I wake up early and am told to go back to bed. Give me a break, I am an adult. I woke up in a fairly good mood thinking I had slept 'til at least 7 but it was just after six. I once again begged the nurses to let me downstairs so I can smoke. "No, you have to stay on the floor until 8" she says with her patronizing voice and smile. "Can I smoke in the smoke room?" Off we go to the door, where she points out once again, "No, not until 7!" I am now losing it. I am extremely foul. I understand the process, I understand even why they are changing things, what I don't understand is this: if they can trust me to be downstairs at 8, why can't they at 6?? What am I possibly going to do in this time difference?
So I watch the clock, now 6:32 and I wonder if I have made the right choice by coming here at all. I have been pissed off last night, now pissed off again upon waking. This just sends me into a freaking tailspin. Perhaps I should be at home.
There are many things to question here- speaking down to someone should not be allowed.
-I may be mentally ill right now but treat me with some semblance of dignity.
-I am not a fool, my IQ is higher than average, STOP speaking to me this way!
Posted by hellonwhls at 07:10 AM | Comments (0)
April 21, 2005
Going to the hospital
They called last evening and there is a bed, so I am off to the hospital, 3rd floor, Psych ward. I am terrified. I don't have a clue what to expect other than the terrible things I and everyone else have seen on TV.
yikes!
Posted by hellonwhls at 06:07 AM | Comments (0)
April 20, 2005
Things I consider
Today is already strange. I have been considering a lot of stuff this morning since dropping off both boys.. (yessss!, no fighting!) lol.
I finally got in to see the doctor yesterday, I have been working at this for weeks, calling every psych place in the phone book, no money means no therapy for me. No referral means no psychiatrist for me. So he sees as soon as he walks in the room that I am a mess. I tell him what has been up, the dreams, the day-vision/dreams. I joke a bit and ask him to put me in psych for a while...he agrees, which SHOCKED me. He fills out the paperwork and calls the front girls to get me a bed for a couple of days. This freaks me out. I come home after stopping at annie's and start getting my bag ready..out in the living room, check the phone, there is a call from the doc's office, there are no beds. WTF? I mean seriously....WTF!!!!!!!!??? So, finally feeling some repreave in sight for this stress and messed up head, I am back to freaking square one.
There is a Crisis Nurse at the hosp at all times, if I want to go and see her I can. In the meantime, wth am I supposed to do? I dunno.
Sit at home and suffer and wait and pretend nothing is wrong, like I have been doing for too long already?
Posted by hellonwhls at 10:20 AM | Comments (1)
April 16, 2005
Sunshine
There is a sliver of sunshine on my wall this morning. Its about an inch across is all. It reflects off the painting over the couch and onto the wall unit, doubling in size. I reach my hand out to it, marvelling in the hues of apricot and orange. It warms my hand ever so slightly. It warms my heart immensely. I usually get to watch out my window, covetous of the neighbouring buildings. I live in the north. My apartment also faces north. Daylight here ranges from 17.8 hours in the summer to 6.8 hours in the winter. We have officially been in spring for almost a month. I crave the sun and its wonderous warmth, its vitamin inducing benefits. Perhaps this is a good sign, for when I moved in last year, I never had the sun hit my windows. I will set my alarm if need be, in order to enjoy the bounty of the day.
Posted by hellonwhls at 06:24 AM | Comments (0)
April 08, 2005
Manic, Anxiety...
Freaky and weird, or is it wired? Hell if I know, I am stressing, grinding (teeth) panicking, losing it. Not knowing what to do. I have called about a psychiatrist, there are 2 in town, yes... you need a reference from your Doc. Call the doc, can I talk to the doc? Can he call me back later today when he is not busy? No, he doesn't make calls. This is regarding a rather urgent "mental issue" I say, sorry, she says, he won't call back. Can I see him today, or tomorrow? No, you can try and call back on Monday. It's Friday, and its early. I call Mental Health, yes, we can give you the #'s of the Pdoc's, but you can't book to see one. I am losing it. No control. What do I do now?? I don't know. I don't see how I will manage over the weekend. I can barely see how I can manage today. There are 70,000 people in this town and TWO pdoc's, what the hell? "No one wants to live in the north, she says" Well, maybe this is why I am manic'ed yet not in a good way?
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh
Posted by hellonwhls at 01:12 PM | Comments (0)
April 07, 2005
Cycling fast and getting no where
Perhaps its the spring
Perhaps its the sun
I am cycling so fast I can't keep up with myself
I am up I am down
I am down I am up
No middle, no semi-happiness
Just emptiness
Laziness
Lethargy
Crying
I need to get things done, I need to get it together
There is NO way right now
Not in this mode..
Life seems impossible
Daily routines become horrid monsters
Lurking, ever lurking, in the corner of the room
Like so many dustbunnies waiting to pounce
Missing work
Missing life
Hating self
self hatred, now...isn't that a good one? For how simple it is to hate ones own "self" Things I don't like about myself today?
Ugly, stupid, fat, lazy, tired, bitchy, lonely, misery, downer....
Look in the mirror
I hate me, I have always hated me and I am sure this one passion will be the only one I manage to carry to my grave
Hair is bad, face is bad, freckles, lines, colours, nothing even, nothing in order, ear lower, teeth bad, scars and marks that don't belong
Self Loathing, bad mother, bad daughter, bad temper, bad habits (smoke, drink, eat) bad smell (I need a shower) bad vibes, bad manners...
The house, messy..blankets all around, the nest I need to live..nest on the couch, nesting..bathroom messy, dirty in fact.
Dishes in the sink, dishes on the counter, food spoiling in the fridge, can't afford that. Bomb went off in here, can't fix the barrage of feelings, can't fix the barrage of hatred, all aimed at self
The war continues
I am losing
Loser
Posted by hellonwhls at 05:29 AM | Comments (0)
