April 07, 2005
Cycling fast and getting no where
Perhaps its the spring
Perhaps its the sun
I am cycling so fast I can't keep up with myself
I am up I am down
I am down I am up
No middle, no semi-happiness
Just emptiness
Laziness
Lethargy
Crying
I need to get things done, I need to get it together
There is NO way right now
Not in this mode..
Life seems impossible
Daily routines become horrid monsters
Lurking, ever lurking, in the corner of the room
Like so many dustbunnies waiting to pounce
Missing work
Missing life
Hating self
self hatred, now...isn't that a good one? For how simple it is to hate ones own "self" Things I don't like about myself today?
Ugly, stupid, fat, lazy, tired, bitchy, lonely, misery, downer....
Look in the mirror
I hate me, I have always hated me and I am sure this one passion will be the only one I manage to carry to my grave
Hair is bad, face is bad, freckles, lines, colours, nothing even, nothing in order, ear lower, teeth bad, scars and marks that don't belong
Self Loathing, bad mother, bad daughter, bad temper, bad habits (smoke, drink, eat) bad smell (I need a shower) bad vibes, bad manners...
The house, messy..blankets all around, the nest I need to live..nest on the couch, nesting..bathroom messy, dirty in fact.
Dishes in the sink, dishes on the counter, food spoiling in the fridge, can't afford that. Bomb went off in here, can't fix the barrage of feelings, can't fix the barrage of hatred, all aimed at self
The war continues
I am losing
Loser
Posted by hellonwhls on April 7, 2005 05:29 AM