Main » May 2005
May 31, 2005
me
Posted by hellonwhls at 10:11 PM | Comments (2)
Imovane.......aka "tonight I shall sleep!"
Pdoc gave me a script for Imovane today, thank goodness! At least I know I will sleep tonight. It is so hot (28C) right now, I have the fan blowing right at me. I went through 2 boxes today! and I am just going to put the fresh bedding back on the bed...all nicely hung outside and smelling great. So, I think I should have no prob sleeping.
Grilling some chickens tonight, that will be good.
Anyhow, rather in a strange mood so I am going to go and finish working around here...
Posted by hellonwhls at 02:52 PM | Comments (1)
still can't sleep
AAARGGGGH! I still am having way too hard of a time sleeping... driving me right insane!
Posted by hellonwhls at 10:55 AM | Comments (0)
Cleaning things up (sort of?)
Today I have made myself do some things around this house. Other than the usual dishes, blah blah.. I am attacking my room (on a break now). I have the bag of garbage bags in there with me. I am going through my closet and will drop some things off downtown at sallyann this afternoon. I have the bedding in the washer as I type. I have pdoc appointment in about an hour, not sure what that one will be about. She was dwelling last time on the kids and how I need to make them do more. I try.. they don't do it. Then comes the stress. So, I have not been very consistent this past week, which she will of course not be impressed with. (neither am I)
I went through the "stacks" on the oak sideboard, so it is all cleaned up and dusted and oiled. The only thing on there are the old cannisters and Ichiban the fishiban (he is my Siamese fighting fish)
he also needs a clean up today. I now have about 3 load of wrinkled clothes on the couch to fold...will edit more in here later today when back from the doc...
Posted by hellonwhls at 10:39 AM | Comments (0)
May 25, 2005
scared of sleep
The past week or so I have been having a hard time sleeping, or more like, falling to sleep. Strange for me, but I have been dealing with these strange "twitches" or "jolts" that occur sometimes just any time of day, if I am trying to do my relaxing excercises. They get really bad when I am trying to get to sleep. Very similar to the "normal" ones that sometimes hit when falling asleep, the ones that wake you up a bit with a jolt... these are way more intense. The jolt is more like a shock, large one, running through my limbs. It might be my arm or leg, or sometimes both legs, both arms, an arm and a leg, etc. They hit as soon as I close my eyes. I have been trying to keep track if it was perhaps just a dream.. maybe I am imagining it. But no, they are real and often leave an actual "after tingle". Sometimes there are terrifying feelings of panic. Heart racing, sweats. Feeling completely out of sorts. Last night I was on the couch dealing with these, too scared to go to bed. One of them had me flailing both arms and legs when it was ending. I can still remember the panic. Brody looked over and saw my arms twitching and flailing and saw me "wake up" told me I was trippin'. That's exactly what it felt like. Tripped out on something not "normal".
Same deal tonight. I finally went to bed at 1:30 after "trippin" on the couch for a couple of hours. I was back out on the couch by 3:30 after doing the same thing in bed. It's kind of freaking me out.
Posted by hellonwhls at 03:26 AM | Comments (1)
May 23, 2005
Am I gettting better, or what?
I have an appointment with the pdoc this Wednesday so I have been thinking about what I will tell her when she asks how I feel I have been. If I put it in point form:
I haven't left the house since my release (self) last Monday.
I don't WANT to leave the house for anything.
Today I even sat without smokes for hours until Brody came home. I did not want to go.
The boys have gone to see StarWars, which I would love, but I could not go.
I think today was day 4 before I finally had a shower...I am grosssss.
So, when asked I am going to have to be honest.
No. I feel the same.
Posted by hellonwhls at 05:32 PM | Comments (2)
Worry Worry worry...
I seem to set myself up for things to worry about. Its almost as if when I should perhaps feel good about things, I will then scan my brain for the most recent worry/worry free events, then focus on them. Then there are the constants. Things I will always be concerned about.
They are:
money, or lack there of
unpaid bills
need for groceries
I can see that these things cause worry for everyone, this is just life, but sometimes it's what I think about before sleep (as fitful as it is) and as soon as I open my eyes. What I dream about. All day long I think about this. ALL day. Maybe I am just insane, after all.
Posted by hellonwhls at 08:00 AM | Comments (1)
May 17, 2005
Leaving the hospital...
I have been trying to get my poop in a group since coming home Monday night. I let myself out of hospital 4 days early, so they are cranky with me. Here is what happened, or the way I see it happened....
Monday: hosp is ok today, I was rather cranky in groups, brought up the fact that not ALL of us in there are addicts, and perhaps they should see that. She said more than 2/3 are...then asked why I was getting aggresive, which I sure was...I told her that it seemed unjust that every thing we did had something to do with addiction. We were currently working on a poem called "the hole", we read it, then decipher what it means... great poem actually..
EDITING THIS RIGHT NOW...
So, she then copped attitude with me afterwards, too. (don't blame her) lol
So Monday night, around 9:30pm,Kkrista tells me it's time for my meds and also , they are going to move my bed to "medicine" side. I am not overly keen on it from the get go, but as I talk to her I find out there is NO way I want this. I get to come back to psych for groups, my food will be served on medicine, I can stay on psych side till 4pm , when I have to go back to medicine and hang out there all afternoon and evening. (by myself, with the nurses who already look down on us when we go past them for smoke breaks outside) I tell her that I figure a lot of the best therapy comes from us hanging out in the evenings , playing games, etc. Yes she agreed, but NO.
So, as I pack my stuff, she comes in with my 2 Imovane (15mg), I take them and carry on. Once packed, they move my stuff into the TCC office and I sit and visit with my buddies... they of course are also all messed up, too.
In the next 15 minutes or so, the Imovane kicks in and I decide I am going home. The only thing said to me at that time is "Are you sure this is what you want to do?" I explained my reasoning, then called the kids. (9:56pm)They were there within another 20 minutes or so, while I loaded all my stuff onto a wheelchair..I am fully stoned by this time. Krista and I talk about coming back for groups, but nothing much more is said about that. Krista is getting my meds ready for take home, and I make my way downstairs to wait for the kids... wrecked mentally by now. Brody and Billy show up, both of them commenting on the fact I look stoned. We load the car and leave, forgetting my meds, on the way home I figure I will just get them in the morning, when I come for groups.
Posted by hellonwhls at 07:51 AM | Comments (0)
May 07, 2005
In the Hospital
I have been journalling every day while in the hospital, where I have been since April 21st now. I will be there another couple of weeks while they get my meds and my diagnosis figured out. I will work on transferring my journal to here.
:-)
Posted by hellonwhls at 06:04 AM | Comments (1)
