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October 19, 2005

theres a baby coming

To our house in around 10 days! I can't believe its finally time for this grandbaby to come! 25 years ago I had my own newborn at this time, she was only a couple of weeks old , life seems to fly... to really fly by. I remember with wonder thinking about her future, her life and what it would bring. Her first steps, words, first day of school. I remember like it was yesterday one day in particular...it was extremely cold, around -30 and she had kindergarten. She had on a periwinkle blue snow suit with pink trim, looking so very cute...off she went, dragging through the snow, walking along as I watched through the window. She looked back as if to say "I can't believe you are making me walk in this!", and I cried. I cried for days to come... for it was too early to cry for days gone by... that is reserved for now, for melancholic days, for reflection of things that are, things that were and things that will never be again. But now, but by the grace of God...we shall have the chance to look again at the future, the raw future, in our faces and thick with wonder. I still wonder at the future of my kids...for theirs is bright with change, bright with opportunity and bright with time...

My own? I should be "fitting in" to my role, fitting in to my age group, fitting into my financial easement. But mine is as yet, unknown too. These are the things that keep up going in the morning. These are still the things that make us who we are. I am a mother, first...and soon to be a Granny. I am happy, some days, with the way things have gone... and fully depressed on others, at the choices I made, the things I could have changed, or should have? Reflecting on things I might have done differently... but knowing that looking at the ways I think things would have been without those particular choices, I am comfortable knowing that had they remained the way they were, unhappiness would have been more than now. Financially things would have been different. I could have bought those things for the kids, afforded more...but would that have changed things for the good? For the better of them? I am not so sure of that...I don't think that having would necessarily have been what was needed. For through all of this they always had my love. Perhaps it was their lot to grow up having and then learning what it was like to have not. Appreciating the work that goes into having.

It is expected at my age to have the simple things covered. My car broke down the other day and remains that way for a few more days until payday. This should not be. This should be the "savings" account covering these little things. Living from hand to mouth is for when you are young. Living from hand to mouth is something one should learn when still resilient...but maybe I am more resilient than I know, for these things come up and I just don't seem to mind anymore. I just don't seem to be so upset by them...they do nag at my subconsience though. They sit there... so I can dwell.

Instead of having the money to buy grandbaby all new things, perhaps I will teach the mother, my daughter, to make babyfood, perhaps we will make jam and jelly. We will make juice and wine and wonderous gifts from the kitchen...from our hearts. These gifts shall surely mean more, as they are passed then on to the baby when he/she is grown. This baby doesn't need much... it needs love and nurturing. This I can give freely. I was given these same gifts by my parents and they are watching to see if I pass them on, along with stories from the past...stories of our family. My heart will swell with my gifts. My family will grow as it should.
My family will be OK.

Posted by hellonwhls at 05:54 AM | Comments (0)