Bipolar, Depression and Other Stuff

baby boy!

The best day EVER!

On November 15th @ 7:30am a new person entered our family! My daughter gave birth to Louis and he is the greatest gift ever! I am totally in LOVE.

theres a baby coming

To our house in around 10 days! I can't believe its finally time for this grandbaby to come! 25 years ago I had my own newborn at this time, she was only a couple of weeks old , life seems to fly... to really fly by. I remember with wonder thinking about her future, her life and what it would bring. Her first steps, words, first day of school. I remember like it was yesterday one day in particular...it was extremely cold, around -30 and she had kindergarten. She had on a periwinkle blue snow suit with pink trim, looking so very cute...off she went, dragging through the snow, walking along as I watched through the window. She looked back as if to say "I can't believe you are making me walk in this!", and I cried. I cried for days to come... for it was too early to cry for days gone by... that is reserved for now, for melancholic days, for reflection of things that are, things that were and things that will never be again. But now, but by the grace of God...we shall have the chance to look again at the future, the raw future, in our faces and thick with wonder. I still wonder at the future of my kids...for theirs is bright with change, bright with opportunity and bright with time...

My own? I should be "fitting in" to my role, fitting in to my age group, fitting into my financial easement. But mine is as yet, unknown too. These are the things that keep up going in the morning. These are still the things that make us who we are. I am a mother, first...and soon to be a Granny. I am happy, some days, with the way things have gone... and fully depressed on others, at the choices I made, the things I could have changed, or should have? Reflecting on things I might have done differently... but knowing that looking at the ways I think things would have been without those particular choices, I am comfortable knowing that had they remained the way they were, unhappiness would have been more than now. Financially things would have been different. I could have bought those things for the kids, afforded more...but would that have changed things for the good? For the better of them? I am not so sure of that...I don't think that having would necessarily have been what was needed. For through all of this they always had my love. Perhaps it was their lot to grow up having and then learning what it was like to have not. Appreciating the work that goes into having.

It is expected at my age to have the simple things covered. My car broke down the other day and remains that way for a few more days until payday. This should not be. This should be the "savings" account covering these little things. Living from hand to mouth is for when you are young. Living from hand to mouth is something one should learn when still resilient...but maybe I am more resilient than I know, for these things come up and I just don't seem to mind anymore. I just don't seem to be so upset by them...they do nag at my subconsience though. They sit there... so I can dwell.

Instead of having the money to buy grandbaby all new things, perhaps I will teach the mother, my daughter, to make babyfood, perhaps we will make jam and jelly. We will make juice and wine and wonderous gifts from the kitchen...from our hearts. These gifts shall surely mean more, as they are passed then on to the baby when he/she is grown. This baby doesn't need much... it needs love and nurturing. This I can give freely. I was given these same gifts by my parents and they are watching to see if I pass them on, along with stories from the past...stories of our family. My heart will swell with my gifts. My family will grow as it should.
My family will be OK.

Working poor

I am wondering just how many working poor there are in North America. People like myself who work and work and never manage to have much of anything. Much of anything? How about basically nothing. I think I will do some research into this to see. I am going to have to take another job... which seems particularly unfair to the family. I can surely manage to work more than 40 hours a week but not being home for Billy can't be good. I know that I spend too much on this shitty smoking habit, which I need to quit for more reasons than just financial. I am so sick of NOT having any money at all. Not being able to buy anything extra. Basic living expenses are horrific in these times.

Rent:800 (more than a full paycheck every month)
Food:400 (rarely this much as we are living on/eating all the things which are not good for you but rather inexpensive)
Heat:100
Car fuel:120 (115.9/L right now) (there are 3.78L per gallon)*the price charts on the station signs don't even have a 3 or 4 number slot* (thats $4.38/G!!)
Car insurance:50
Meds *if I can afford them* 300/month
TOTAL thus far:1770

I make approx $1500/m working

]]> The government sends me a cheque once a month for approx 200 dollars. This is what we used to call "family allowance" and is now known as CCTC (canada child tax credit) so the total is now 1700/m and with the 200 dollars I receive for Billy, now I make 1900/m, which sounds awesome and amazing. I know there a lots of people who live on a lot less than me. And somehow manage. Somehow manage? HOW!? I can barely do this. I am exhausted from trying to make ends meet. I am mentally wrecked each month from trying to play "catch up" with bills and bill collectors. I have no phone, can't afford the added expense. I haven't bought clothes in eons. Billy bought his own school clothes this year, from monies I gave him for his visit with his dad. Pathetic.
I am pathetic

The better to know you with, my sweet

Well, its been ages since I was here, I just got the internet back at the house, so now I shall try once again to keep this updated accordingly! I am moved in to the new place...sort of, I have gone through so much stuff and tossed so much out I am feeling out of sorts.

I am missing some of my stuff... not only is it actually physically missing, I am longing for it, too. I have weaned myself off all my meds except Effexor 150/day and after feeling like crap am actually not bad right now... I am seriously questioning all the crap I have been on and why can't I manage without it? Other than the serious lack of sleep, which sure takes its toll on me. The main reason for weaning/withdrawl has been lack of money for the meds. I went to have them filled for the month, and without any insurance help, $290.00 a month, a MONTH! I was appalled by this, but then again, one of my other addictions, smokes, costs around the same,,,, one to die and one to be better? or do they work at all? or is it just a frame of mind in the end? I see the doc on the 22nd, he is having all the med info transferred from Alberta, all the psych stuff, too. The better to know you with, my sweetie! lol hahahaaha

Pissed off with the docs, for sure.
Anyhow.... life for the moment is pretty much ok...(usual financial crap which I will go into more later on).
There is always a big bad wolf somewhere, isn't there?

so tired and strange

I have been back to work for two weeks now, with "broken days off" (never two in a row!) and it's killing me. I thought my boss had a clue to what was going on. I went back to work 3 weeks earlier than I should have, with no help or lenience from her. It's very hard, if I take my sleeping med, Imovane, then I am all messed up next day. I get up at 2:30am for work. So I have been trying to take the med earlier, it just makes me stoned while trying to watch tv or talk with the kids.They tell me I am weird, and I get pissy and go to bed, hahaha.

slept last night and can't shake it, even though its 4!

Goodness, sometimes I think I just complain for the sake of it! I slept sooooooooooo good last night and have been dozey and messed up all day. I didn't even do any work around here, did a ton yesterday, though. Went through a bunch of boxes plus my closet. I have 3 bags to take to the sallyann. I am happy with that.

me

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Imovane.......aka "tonight I shall sleep!"

Pdoc gave me a script for Imovane today, thank goodness! At least I know I will sleep tonight. It is so hot (28C) right now, I have the fan blowing right at me. I went through 2 boxes today! and I am just going to put the fresh bedding back on the bed...all nicely hung outside and smelling great. So, I think I should have no prob sleeping.

Grilling some chickens tonight, that will be good.
Anyhow, rather in a strange mood so I am going to go and finish working around here...

still can't sleep

AAARGGGGH! I still am having way too hard of a time sleeping... driving me right insane!

Cleaning things up (sort of?)

Today I have made myself do some things around this house. Other than the usual dishes, blah blah.. I am attacking my room (on a break now). I have the bag of garbage bags in there with me. I am going through my closet and will drop some things off downtown at sallyann this afternoon. I have the bedding in the washer as I type. I have pdoc appointment in about an hour, not sure what that one will be about. She was dwelling last time on the kids and how I need to make them do more. I try.. they don't do it. Then comes the stress. So, I have not been very consistent this past week, which she will of course not be impressed with. (neither am I)

I went through the "stacks" on the oak sideboard, so it is all cleaned up and dusted and oiled. The only thing on there are the old cannisters and Ichiban the fishiban (he is my Siamese fighting fish)

]]> he also needs a clean up today. I now have about 3 load of wrinkled clothes on the couch to fold...will edit more in here later today when back from the doc...

scared of sleep

The past week or so I have been having a hard time sleeping, or more like, falling to sleep. Strange for me, but I have been dealing with these strange "twitches" or "jolts" that occur sometimes just any time of day, if I am trying to do my relaxing excercises. They get really bad when I am trying to get to sleep. Very similar to the "normal" ones that sometimes hit when falling asleep, the ones that wake you up a bit with a jolt... these are way more intense. The jolt is more like a shock, large one, running through my limbs. It might be my arm or leg, or sometimes both legs, both arms, an arm and a leg, etc. They hit as soon as I close my eyes. I have been trying to keep track if it was perhaps just a dream.. maybe I am imagining it. But no, they are real and often leave an actual "after tingle". Sometimes there are terrifying feelings of panic. Heart racing, sweats. Feeling completely out of sorts. Last night I was on the couch dealing with these, too scared to go to bed. One of them had me flailing both arms and legs when it was ending. I can still remember the panic. Brody looked over and saw my arms twitching and flailing and saw me "wake up" told me I was trippin'. That's exactly what it felt like. Tripped out on something not "normal".
Same deal tonight. I finally went to bed at 1:30 after "trippin" on the couch for a couple of hours. I was back out on the couch by 3:30 after doing the same thing in bed. It's kind of freaking me out.

Am I gettting better, or what?

I have an appointment with the pdoc this Wednesday so I have been thinking about what I will tell her when she asks how I feel I have been. If I put it in point form:

I haven't left the house since my release (self) last Monday.
I don't WANT to leave the house for anything.
Today I even sat without smokes for hours until Brody came home. I did not want to go.
The boys have gone to see StarWars, which I would love, but I could not go.
I think today was day 4 before I finally had a shower...I am grosssss.
So, when asked I am going to have to be honest.
No. I feel the same.

Worry Worry worry...

I seem to set myself up for things to worry about. Its almost as if when I should perhaps feel good about things, I will then scan my brain for the most recent worry/worry free events, then focus on them. Then there are the constants. Things I will always be concerned about.
They are:
money, or lack there of
unpaid bills
need for groceries
I can see that these things cause worry for everyone, this is just life, but sometimes it's what I think about before sleep (as fitful as it is) and as soon as I open my eyes. What I dream about. All day long I think about this. ALL day. Maybe I am just insane, after all.

Leaving the hospital...

I have been trying to get my poop in a group since coming home Monday night. I let myself out of hospital 4 days early, so they are cranky with me. Here is what happened, or the way I see it happened....
Monday: hosp is ok today, I was rather cranky in groups, brought up the fact that not ALL of us in there are addicts, and perhaps they should see that. She said more than 2/3 are...then asked why I was getting aggresive, which I sure was...I told her that it seemed unjust that every thing we did had something to do with addiction. We were currently working on a poem called "the hole", we read it, then decipher what it means... great poem actually..
EDITING THIS RIGHT NOW...

]]> So, she then copped attitude with me afterwards, too. (don't blame her) lol
So Monday night, around 9:30pm,Kkrista tells me it's time for my meds and also , they are going to move my bed to "medicine" side. I am not overly keen on it from the get go, but as I talk to her I find out there is NO way I want this. I get to come back to psych for groups, my food will be served on medicine, I can stay on psych side till 4pm , when I have to go back to medicine and hang out there all afternoon and evening. (by myself, with the nurses who already look down on us when we go past them for smoke breaks outside) I tell her that I figure a lot of the best therapy comes from us hanging out in the evenings , playing games, etc. Yes she agreed, but NO.

So, as I pack my stuff, she comes in with my 2 Imovane (15mg), I take them and carry on. Once packed, they move my stuff into the TCC office and I sit and visit with my buddies... they of course are also all messed up, too.
In the next 15 minutes or so, the Imovane kicks in and I decide I am going home. The only thing said to me at that time is "Are you sure this is what you want to do?" I explained my reasoning, then called the kids. (9:56pm)They were there within another 20 minutes or so, while I loaded all my stuff onto a wheelchair..I am fully stoned by this time. Krista and I talk about coming back for groups, but nothing much more is said about that. Krista is getting my meds ready for take home, and I make my way downstairs to wait for the kids... wrecked mentally by now. Brody and Billy show up, both of them commenting on the fact I look stoned. We load the car and leave, forgetting my meds, on the way home I figure I will just get them in the morning, when I come for groups.