Main » August 2004

August 30, 2004

Overdoing to make room for 'our' son flares Fibromyalgia

Wow, was I in a 'funk' ! Since getting let down Saturday and being so down, and that intensified because of being out of antidepressants for a few days, I have survived.

Soooooo depressed over not seeing my daughter with her brothers who were visiting from NY, I went into a crying jag and got all worked up and sick. Ended up in bed for a couple of days. Slept most of the weekend off & on, Monday too.

Finally back on Paxil and cried out and put my missing out on Jen with them in perspective versus the sorrow my daughter had to feel when she had to say goodbye to her brothers until who knows when after only a few hours with them.

I have spent time with my mom today and again will tomorrow. She filed for divorce last week and negotiations have started, as (I hate to call him this) my father had entered into a contract to purchase a house for personal and business use and was using community funds to pay for it.......not on my watch! So Mom saw the atty, yada, yada, today was full of phone calls and faxes. Whew!

Tomorrow is set to be scrapbooking and watching the Julia Stiles movie, The Prince & me. I got it today when we went to Costco, but then I was overcome with pain and fatigue about a half hour in and had to come home to med and bed. (the light dose: a flexeril 10mg & a Vicodin ??mg) and a nap. Worked like a charm. Yeah. So off for fun tomorrow with Mom. My dh is hitting an AZ casino with his mom tomorrow, so it works out for us to be out and about separately.

tired and neck and shoulder pain from typing.......so off to bed with me........

So glad I survived the weekend and like the 'who's in whoville' yell 'I am here, I AM here,
I AM HERE!' and still kickin'!!

Hugs and blessings,

Posted by at 03:01 AM | Comments (8)

August 17, 2004

Not a good day to quit Paxil..........

Aren't these kids beautiful?? They are My Jennifer 17 (xmas 2003) and her brothers, Brandon 11, Chad 9 & Austin 12........they were on a cruise courtesy of her paternal gmother. (They lost their dad in 1997 to a stroke at age 37,he was in perfect health). Actually the boys are from Jen's Dad's 2nd marriage and so technically half.....but we never ever thought that..they are her brothers! She's managed to go visit them in Rochester NY (we're in AZ) each summer since losing her dad. This summer though we heard back in April that their Mom, Kelly, was bringing them to AZ to visit her parents and there'd be plenty of time for Jen to visit with them. I told Jen that I wanted to see them, if only to give hugs and take a few pics of them together, she knows I love the boys; I told her I'd be heartbroken if I didn't get to see them.

Yesterday was her day with them, I called her at 11am, 12noon, 1pm.......finally at 2:30 she answers the phone and says the boys are with her. They are at the pool at Jen's apt. They are probably leaving in a few minutes to go eat. BTW Kelly & Aunt Becky (paternal aunt) are there too. I was soooooooooo excited about Jen being with the boys, I was soooooooooo looking forward to seeing them together with Jen.........if she'd only answered one of the earlier calls maybe I could have pulled myself together to go over.

I have nothing against Kelly or Becky, I just absolutely froze in my tracks and tears started running when I heard they were there and they were calling the shots and about to take off to eat, so I had a tiny window, Jen hadn't cared to talk to me earlier, and I was not up to dealing with other grown ups by this time. I had a complete meltdown, donkey noise crying, hyperventilating, soooooooooooooo sad, still soooo sad. I have been in bed off & on, Mostly in bed, for the past 29 hours. I have no will to do anything. I am so hurt, I don't want to care anymore, I don't even want to be anymore. My dh responded with 'you can't do this to yourself, go take an ativan'........so supportive (NOT). So now I'm a total mess, and totally out of it, and didn't get to see them. Jen took some pictures she said, but her camera's not ready to develop yet. She came by and hugged me today and got some more stuff, but I didn't even feel it. And I can't lash out at her, because she too got screwed into only 5 hours with her brothers and she had to say goodbye to them yesterday, so hard. So I stuck to feeling nothing. Nothing.

Posted by at 04:35 AM | Comments (1)

August 11, 2004

High Anxiety.........

That pretty much sums it up, TIRED! All day Sunday and much of Monday was spent with my mom. Bless her heart she was having a really hard time of her separation from my dad after 42 years of marriage; she was still hopeful he'd turn around and say I'm sorry for demeaning you and not respecting you and for having what he calls a 'friendship' with a younger married woman whom he's take under wing. Well we're not sure that's the only way he's taken her. He made 60 cell phone calls, cell so it was secret but Mom happened to look at that bill, to this woman in a month...including on Mom's bday, anniversary and Valentines day, when he didn't call mom at all since December and didn't do anything for the above occasions.

Mom asked him to go to counseling, he refused, she asked for a separation. He now is buying a house and wants her to sign a waiver that it's his 'separate property'....AZ is a community property state....so NO WAY! He's been sweetie sweet the last week or so as this paperwork was being prepared. When she said she's having her 'advisor' look it over, he flipped back to his old abusive cruel self and threatened that if she doesn't take care of this he'll be very angry.......oh well. This outburst just confirmed that she's on the right path and took away her doubts and feelings of deep loss. She's filing for divorce today, and he can be mad when he gets served.
Anyway, Mom (61) has me (41) & my self centered sister (40) in town along with a great counselor and good friends, and her sister Michaele (50) is in Arkansas, our home state. Since my sister is so self centered, she is not a good support for Mom when Mom is in crisis. And I practiced as a CPA consulting on divorce cases, prior to my disability, so I'm the one helping Mom to prepare for the atty.

She called me at 9;30 Sunday am and was hysterically crying. Of course I jumped and ran to her (well drove) side and stayed with her til 7pm. Sooooo tiring, but I'd never let her down. Then yesterday, lunch with Mom having renewed strength, and phone calls after his outburst and prepping for the atty.........Sooooooo tiring. I'm driving her to the atty this am (she could drive herself but this is hard,I remember my divorce and her supporting me).

Luckily my husband understands when I give my all to my mom and come home and crash and he's kinda on his own while I recover.

Anyone who prays, please pray for Mom as she goes through this. And me too!
Thanks,
Hugs, Judy

Posted by at 02:30 PM | Comments (12)

August 07, 2004

Fibromyalgia Symptoms escalating

I knew that going to an early appointment and then a second appointment in the same day on 5 hours of sleep would put me into a FLARE.......but...

OMG, when I got home from taking Mom to the attorney and seeing my psychiatrist across town and going to Mom's and helping her locate some paperwork for the attorney then driving a half hour home...........a day that started at 5am and I got home at 7pm.....OUCH!!

As I sat down after dinner, I felt the stiffness in my muscles start at my hips and work up muscle by muscle to my back, chest, shoulders and neck like a fog. Have you ever had your muscles hurt from starting an exercise program or from FMS to the point that you feel nauseous and like you aren't breathing well???? Well I wasn't breathing deeply because it hurt to. So off to bed with me.....med & bed as I call it........

This morning the pain & stiffness is still there, making me wish I'd set a chiropractic appt. for today or any day.......or a massage.......something other than my stretching to relieve the tension. There's a massage school in town that takes walkins on Saturdays...but I don't feel up to shaving my legs and don't want to freak out the poor students!! So I've taken my meds and I'm gonna do my stretching which helps somewhat and take it easy today.....probably back in bed for a nap around 3. Or alternate between hot bath and bed, oh that does sound good.

BTW I think everyone should be able to take a nap around 3pm because it's in our bodies rythmn to need a nap around then, employers should allow naps!!!

Another early sign: When we'd walk a block or so to lunch from our offices, after about 1/3 of the way my back would hurt, like my spine wasn't suspending it properly, sometimes like I didn't think I could take another step. I felt riduculous and never said a thing. Well now I know the muscles weren't doing their job to keep my body upright very well, and were spasming and tight around my ribcage. I wasn't crazy after all.

Hugs and blessings, Judy

Posted by at 10:49 AM | Comments (8)