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March 8, 2005

Social phobias / agoraphobia running High

I've thought about what I learned in counseling yesterday and I've thought about what it is that increases my anxiety, depression, etc to this level where I basically 'function'.

Social phobia's I think are high on the list. I don't want to talk on the phone. I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to have anyone come over.

I barely talk with my Mom or Daughter on the phone. I only leave for medical appts and those have been longstanding places and I feel the sessions are healing and nurturing so I can do the drive to & from & the appt. My brother in law came by the other night and I just waved hello from being scrunched up on the couch under a blanket just praying he wouldn't come in the room. (He didn't...they know I have FMS and understand I have limitations, but I don't think they have much knowlege on that front....though I did have to leave their home during a bday party for his wife because I had a meltdown for unknown reasons and told Frank to take me home before I started crying in front of everyone, well I didn't get out before the tears and that attracted attention I didn't want and I think it worried and startled them the same.)

I'm so thankful for this journal and for the internet so I can keep in touch with family and friends at my pace.

Have to call in a prescription, hoping I won't have to pick it up.

Hugs and Blessings, Judy :)

Posted by at 1:35 PM | Comments (0)

March 7, 2005

OK, Baby steps required; FMS Flares constant

Well, when I last wrote what trouble I was having with getting up and going out, etc. etc., I didn't really mention or 'admit' that this is a daily war I face. These are the symptoms and problems faced in the war:

1)Pain, being up, going out in the car, walking in the store, or at the docs lobby, with what I call 'public posture', where I try to keep my shoulders back and head up....these things all aggravate my body wide pain and by the end of a 1/2 hour at most, I am in agony in my back and left hip and leg. Knowing these things worsen pain, I like pavlov's dog, do NOT ring the bell, do not go out, go out reluctantly when I have to.

2)Fatigue...I don't sleep well, I don't sleep enough continuous hours, I don't get enough sleep, I am always exhausted. Just showering and getting dressed wears me out completely some days.

3)Fibro-fog (or cognitive diffulties): result in difficulty concentrating, so it's hard to read a book, I've succumbed to flipping through magazines, unless it's a book I'm committed to reading and then I take it slow. My short term memory is short-ed out; it works sometimes and sometimes it doesn't. My speech is sometimes dyslexic, like good book would be bood gook. Then my mind fatigues and I don't make any sense.

and during and now after 7 years of FMS robbing me of my life bit by bit, I developed depression...major depressive disorder & anxiety.

I saw my counselor today and here are my assignments (I feel a bit embarrassed to list these):
1) see her 2x a month
2) keep communication with others via email family & friends
3) shower daily or every other day
4) get dressed every day
5) have a journal for our sessions

This showed me where I am more clearly than the pain or fatigue in my body or anyone or anything else. I am barely functioning yet my heart is filled with those I care about and i want to do more than I can. I know those when told will understand, it's me that wanted more than I can give right now. I will not give up on family and special friends. But I do have to take it slower & in smaller pieces.

So in smaller pieces, I'll still be here.....
Baby steps, I remember those....
Hugs and Blessings, Judy

Posted by at 5:36 PM | Comments (2)

March 2, 2005

High Anxiety, Again....Free Floating ANXIETY!

Hi all,
I haven't posted in awhile, 2 wks is awhile for me anyway.
This journal is something I do for me and I believe it helps.
So you can see I haven't taken much time for me lately....or I haven't felt up to it.
Yesterday I awoke with some anxiety, free floating - don't know why, anxiety making me feel tense, pain, fatigue, dizzy, short of breath. My usual meds didn't help. It wasn't crisis style anxiety, just a building anxiety which seemed to close in on me. I also felt nauseous, but no I wasn't sick at all. I skipped my chiro/holistic doc appt because I couldn't face getting dressed and leaving the house; actually couldn't face anything or anyone, so I went back to bed at 3pm. Later,I felt somewhat better, but still like it-the anxiety-was lurking to get me.
I know anxiety and depression are results of disabling illnesses. I do my best to beat them with meds and attitude and FAITH (not in that order), and usually do well. I don't know why yesterday was so hard.
And today, well today seems like it's off to a tense start too; I 'should' go to the bank, I 'should' check on any bills to be paid, I 'should' pick out a bday card for our sis-in-law's bday tomorrow. I think I'm going to go veg in front of the tv and eat something, and lie down later, in time for a decent rest before the dinner/evening time with family. Oh I 'have' to go to the pharmacy, D*MN! Well, that just has to be done before 9, so I can hopefully be up to showering and doing that before 9, or no sleep tonight.
My disability ins. co is making me do 2 more IME's (independent medical exams), 1) psychiatrist & 2) rhuematologist. Maybe this will be the 2nd opinion I wanted from a Rhuemy to confirm what 5 great docs have dx'd me with, FMS. 2 years ago the IME Rhuemy was an ins whore and spent <10min with me and wrote a 5 page report based on crap he read in charts, and said I didn't have FMS, so I've had to see a psychiatrist since then since that's what they say is wrong. Hello, Yes I am depressed and anxious, but it came AFTER the FMS stole my life and introduced pain and fatigue beyond my previous comprehension.
Wanted to put this in writing here, there I've said it out loud.
Hugs and Blessings, Judy in AZ

Posted by at 12:15 PM | Comments (0)