March 07, 2005
OK, Baby steps required; FMS Flares constant
Well, when I last wrote what trouble I was having with getting up and going out, etc. etc., I didn't really mention or 'admit' that this is a daily war I face. These are the symptoms and problems faced in the war:
1)Pain, being up, going out in the car, walking in the store, or at the docs lobby, with what I call 'public posture', where I try to keep my shoulders back and head up....these things all aggravate my body wide pain and by the end of a 1/2 hour at most, I am in agony in my back and left hip and leg. Knowing these things worsen pain, I like pavlov's dog, do NOT ring the bell, do not go out, go out reluctantly when I have to.
2)Fatigue...I don't sleep well, I don't sleep enough continuous hours, I don't get enough sleep, I am always exhausted. Just showering and getting dressed wears me out completely some days.
3)Fibro-fog (or cognitive diffulties): result in difficulty concentrating, so it's hard to read a book, I've succumbed to flipping through magazines, unless it's a book I'm committed to reading and then I take it slow. My short term memory is short-ed out; it works sometimes and sometimes it doesn't. My speech is sometimes dyslexic, like good book would be bood gook. Then my mind fatigues and I don't make any sense.
and during and now after 7 years of FMS robbing me of my life bit by bit, I developed depression...major depressive disorder & anxiety.
I saw my counselor today and here are my assignments (I feel a bit embarrassed to list these):
1) see her 2x a month
2) keep communication with others via email family & friends
3) shower daily or every other day
4) get dressed every day
5) have a journal for our sessions
This showed me where I am more clearly than the pain or fatigue in my body or anyone or anything else. I am barely functioning yet my heart is filled with those I care about and i want to do more than I can. I know those when told will understand, it's me that wanted more than I can give right now. I will not give up on family and special friends. But I do have to take it slower & in smaller pieces.
So in smaller pieces, I'll still be here.....
Baby steps, I remember those....
Hugs and Blessings, Judy
Posted by on March 7, 2005 05:36 PM
im so sorry we contributed to making things worse.
wont anymore.
nb
Posted by: Pilgrim at March 7, 2005 06:48 PM
You did NOT contribute to making things worse. I control what I do. YOU ARE MY FRIENDS, I CARE ABOUT YOU. Please, I don't blame you, don't you blame you! I just have to back off in person/on phone contact right now, I can't handle it, not even from my sister or anyone but my mom or daughter. PLEASE know that I'm thinking of YOU every day with love and care and I am looking forward to the day when I am doing better and call you and ask you to call me. You are very special to me. Please stay in touch.
Hugs and Blessings, LOVE, Judy
Posted by: Judy at March 8, 2005 01:34 PM