July 5, 2005

Fibromyalgia Depression hits after Vacation

I'm really trying to not let depression set in in this lull after our vacation. It's easy to miss the kids. It's easy to miss having fun stuff to do. It's easy to go back to bed in the afternoon, even though the Cymbalta has my energy up and no nap is 'required', back to bed because I'm I feel lonely and sad. Frank is going through this depression worse than I am, as it was his kids and grandkids we left. It kills him to have to leave them, yet that's just part of the deal of living across the country. Us move to Maine from AZ?, no way. I don't do snow. And the girls' mom has them hoodwinked and either dependent on her for financial assistance (Evie) or tied to her apron strings (Chrystal), so the idea of them coming here for college died years ago.

I've fussed with the family photos about as much as I can. I edited and printed copies for everyone and made mini albums for the kids and Frank's mom and one for us. Then I figured out the Adobe photoshop creates photo albums which we can put captions on and control how many pics to a page and I've made 2 albums: 1 of the Walmart portraits we had taken with all the kids in different combos (which Evie will pick up the real deals on 7/7), and 1 album of my photos.

When I finished the photo projects today, I felt kinda stuck, kinda numb, prime for depression again. No more photo fun & carressing the pics to eek out every memory, and I didn't feel like folding laundry! So I watched TV, nothing special, til the fireworks show, but something to curl up on the couch with anyway. And Frank, when he isn't talking to the kids or his mom, plays a card game on the computer and sometimes Evie joins the game at the same time and they chat while playing,and when he's tired of the game, he reverts to the couch with me.

We did talk to the kids tonight (Chrystal and Garrett). They, Chrystal and bf, Richard, and Garrett and summer fling gf, Rita, and Chrystal's friend Lilly who is also making a play for Garrett(???), drove to Deer Isle, Maine, connected by a suspension bridge to Sedgwick that's pretty impressive, for the 4th Fireworks. Garrett enjoyed seeing them over the water for the first time, wish we were still there! We just watched the Tempe Town Lake show on TV at 9:20 for 40mins on TV.

I asked Frank tonight if we did the right thing in letting Garrett stay in Maine for the summer, as he and Chrystal wanted that time to bond more... should we have said, no you are coming home as planned.. He would have a job already that we'd taxi him to as he studied for and got a drivers' permit, then license. He wouldn't have to worry about working to get the airfare increase in order to come home, which he says he's doing. And here, he'd be seeing girlfriend, Rachel and we'd be aware of their relationship... maybe being farther away is easier on that one!

(IHOP is hiring and we have become friendly with 2 servers who are 'certified trainers' who said they'd be a reference for him and train him, before they leave for college in Tucson 7/31...oh well)(and his friend Steven called our first day back and Frank had the idea Garrett was getting the Dairy Queen job, if he'd been home).

Or, I asked Frank, is it better to have given the kids, Chrystal and Garrett, what they wanted and let him stay for them to bond, and let them learn the life lessons of living together, and socializing together, and working(?), and getting to know each other beyond 'vacation'. And maybe becoming disillusioned with expectations of each other.

Frank voted for 'life lessons', and I guess I do too.
It's awfully quiet around here without Garrett though!
Usually if I was down, Frank had Garrett to goof around with and run errands. Now it's just us again.

Actually, I think the time alone is good for our relationship, for us to reconnect as US. We get out to our respective Moms and to the Super Walmart and that's about it.

I spent 2 days with my mom last week because she has some kind of flu bug or infection and was alone as Jen was working and my sister was in all day classes, and Mom called weepy and sorry to bother me but she thought she needed some gatorade & bananas. And the other day, before, she was weak and didn't want to be alone. This is rare for Mom to be sick, probably all the stress of the divorce weakened her.

And Frank was at his Mom's Saturday, while I was with mine, then Sunday night we both went to his mom's, Dorothy, for dinner, escarole & pasta & loads of parmesan/romano, it's good stuff. As for the 4th, we don't do crowds so we watched it on TV, Frank's digestive issues need us to be near a restroom, and my pain and anxiety stuff prohibit a lot of exertion.

We do love movies, who doesn't?, and since we can't seem to get out to them, due to our health issues, I joined that NetFlix thing where they mail you 2 choices and you get a new one every time you send one back, unlimited per month. It's less $ than one outing to the movies, and we don't go broke buying all the new releases to see them. I'm gonna do some date night ambience- you know the smell of stale popcorn, GIANT sodas in our theater cups (large drinks only $1 when we take with us), maybe train the dogs to kick the back of Frank's spot on the couch, LOL.

We don't even have any doc appts this week. Though I am driving my mom to the doctor whenever she can get in tomorrow, Tuesday. She's too weak, & to boot, my sister borrowed Mom's car and then picked up her own car at the dealership after repairs and left Mom's car there, so Mom is stranded. My sister never stops infuriating me. (Lisa is 11 mos younger than me and my total opposite in personality)

Anyway, starting our 3rd week back, feeling more rested and more like me, and I hope Mom gets better and nobody else gets sick. I hope to settle back into life here. I'm hoping this week will have less longing for the kids and vacation days. And I'm praying the depression cloud looming over us goes away.

Hugs and Blessings, Judy

Posted by on July 5, 2005 5:39 AM

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