August 22, 2004

When Tired Is An Everyday Feeling

One of the worst parts of RA, in my opinion, is those times when fatigue takes over. It's beyond being just tired: it is a day after day sack saddled to you, it is the feeling that you'll never again have a spring in your step, that you can never get any rest from sleep.

If Dante had RA he would certainly have created the fatigue ring of hell in The Inferno.

In some ways, I can deal with the pain and swelling better than the fatigue. Maybe because the fatigue seems less real to me. Swelling is apparent. Pain is usually preceded by swelling. Fatigue feels like it should be a mind over matter thing. But it isn't.

One of the struggles with fatigue is that our society has no patience. Not just a lack of patience for those of us dealing with conditions that include fatigue -- our society is all about movement, quickness, the fast lane, instant gratification. There is little time for stillness and no appreciation for it. A friend of mine recently told me that that feeling "still" makes her anxious. "I feel stagnant," she said. "Maybe that's why I have no patience."

Hmmmm...

I have yet to figure out a true strategy for dealing with fatigue. The blessing is that when it comes it also goes; and in between the times that it wanes, I try everything in my power not to feel that way again.

I've also thought a lot about the phrase, "taking time out for me," since I was diagnosed. It is as if we place so much importance on movement in our life, the so-called rat race, that stillness and reflection have become this sort of afterthought. I sometimes wonder if RA is some sort of lesson for me in patience and acceptance, and if fatigue is my lesson in stillness and slowness. I guess this is a little philosophical, but I suppose that being more philosophical, or at least looking past the surface of the situation is one of those things I've done to deal with RA.

Two years ago I walked only with the help of a cane. People shook their head, and said things like, "such as shame," and "what a pity." I decided I hated that and worked so that I wouldn't have to walk with the cane. But should their be pity or shame in this condition? Really? I just can't bring myself to come to believe that.

This is one of those things where I haven't reached conclusions, only gotten clearer about the questions. I think I can accept that there will be times when tiredness is an everyday feeling, and maybe try harder, or better, to pay attention.

Posted by renee | Filed under:

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