September 13, 2004
Putting The Big Bad Truth Out There
We were lying on my bed on a Saturday afternoon, watching a movie. My roommate was in the living room watching the University of Kentucky play basketball.
It's never easy to tell someone that you have RA. It just doesn't roll off the tongue, "hey, I've got this disease that makes my joints swell up and hurt and look ugly."
But sometimes you have to take that leap of faith and trust someone else. Trust that they won't leave, or think less of you. Trust that you're worth being around and that the RA won't change things.
Matt had his arm around me and we were just lying there when I opened my mouth and out came those words, "I have something to tell you."
In any relationship saying these words -- I have something to tell you -- can mean instant death to any future relationship. The represent some doomed and flawed you that you are going to share with another person, usually against your better judgment.
"Well," said Matt, "What is it?"
I began to think "it was fun while it lasted" but stopped. I really liked this guy and I thought he was sweet. He took me out to nice places and opened doors -- even the car door -- for me. On our first date, he asked before he kissed me goodnight.
"I have this thing called Rheumatoid Arthritis."
"Oh," he said. "What does that mean?"
"It means that sometimes my joints fill up with fluid and hurt. Sometimes it keeps me from walking normally. Sometimes I have trouble with my wrists."
There. The big bad truth was out there.
"What can you do about it?" he asked.
I started telling him about all the drug treatments, all the shots, all the Daypro and Celebrex. I found myself telling him about the doctor taking fluid off my knee with a syringe and following it up with cortisone. I found myself explaining what my joints sometimes looked like -- the misshapen lumps of fluid at the wrists and why my skirts always covered my knees.
He seemed to take it all in, after I kept babbling on and on about what it meant to have RA. Several times my brain said, "shut up, shut up you little fool, he's going to run for the hills and never look back." But something else inside me kept talking, a quiet pent up me that had never said anything to any guy about RA for fear of running him off.
It was quiet for a moment, after I finished. Matt turned and kissed my forehead. "I'm glad you told me," he said.
Last June, my husband, Matt, and I celebrated our third wedding anniversary.
Posted by renee | Filed under:
Comments
What a great story Renee! It brought a tear to my eye and made my day!
Posted by: Anonymous at September 15, 2004 7:47 AM
DATE: 9/15/2004 08:24:53 AM
Thanks for the kind comment and for reading my diary!
Posted by: Renee at December 16, 2004 4:15 PM
Renee,
I don't know where to begin. First thanks for your courage in writing in this health diary. It has always been a struggle for me to pick the time in a relationship to bring out the "X" factor that as you say could have them running for the hills.
Unfortunately, after 20 years of dating I just now "get it". This is who I am and if I don't bring it out immediately I am not being honest with myself or the person whom I am with.
A couple years ago I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior and the light has been shed on me. I feel today more than ever I understand what my purpose is and want to do God's work and be his servant to others who need me. It was certainly our Lord God who brought us together and as you stated in your email please, please, please don't ever let anyone or anything come between that bond that we have made. I am writing about my experience in D.C. and I will include you so you may see what this experience has meant to me.
Please let me know when you write in the Blog and I will read your stories. I read you writing on the summit. Great job.
David
Posted by: Indiana David at March 5, 2005 8:04 AM
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