October 27, 2004
Treatment?
It's just a small white pill, smaller than a vitamin or aspirin, almost barely there. But prednisone is making a deal with the devil. On the one hand, it does what it is supposed to do -- it decreases swelling in joints that are wrecked with RA inflammation. But then it exacts its toll -- depression, mood swings, insomnia.
I've never been on it for more than a couple weeks, carefully tapered and managed. The physical benefits are clear -- ease of movement, reduced swelling and pain. But at a price -- the price of my personality. And I wonder if the price is worth it?
There are those who say that it's all in my head, that a little man-made steroid couldn't possibly have this kind of effect. They say, "you're paranoid" and shake their heads. Then there are my loved ones who will exhaust every other possibility before saying, "yes, Ren, maybe you do need it." My husband winces, my parents shudder. Prednisone. I turn from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde.
After having the 32 mL of fluid taken off my knee, my doctor wrote me a prescription just in case I needed it. I've been trying to beg off using it because it makes me feel crazy -- crazy and out of control.
So when do you make the deal and decide it is time? You hurt and swell and it's hard to move. But you feel relatively happy, or at least in control of your own emotions. The small vial of prednisone is sitting in my bathroom, ready and waiting, but I just pray that I don't need it. I don't want to need it, even more than I want to feel better physically, I think. I want to be able to deal with the world. And prednisone doesn't allow me to do that.
Since the fluid was drained off, I've been getting around pretty well. So the prednisone stays in it's vial behind a childproof cap. Maybe it would crack open if I'm desperate for relief, but what relief would I be getting? The choice of one kind at the expense of another. While I still have choice, I don't want it. Choice. It's such a wonderful thing that we take for granted.
Posted by renee | Filed under:
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This is a long-shot, but is this the Renee Nicholson from Boca Raton? (Age was right, but the odds are long). If so, this is Mike from Boca High - and I've been struggling with reactive arthritis for about four years now.
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