This week I am really struggling with my self-worth. I keep wondering how much do I matter to anyone, including God. In a book by Joyce Meyer she wrote that God thinks we are precious. I haven't ever felt precious or really important to anyone. I've never felt like I've made a big difference in anyone's life. I've been left behind and abandoned by most of the people I love, and people don't seem to think much about not following through on doing things they say they will do and seem to feel free to break their promises to me. People don't have a problem breaking my trust. I feel so low around people. I feel so small, so unimportant. Its like no one really notices me or wants me around. That's one of the thing that Mae still has the hardest time with-- that our old therapist no longer wanted her and got rid of us back in January. Being unwanted was one of the hardest things to deal with growing up. Its a big struggle now too. We still keep crying over the loss of our therapist and what happened.
Maybe its selfish to want to feel precious or important to someone. Maybe its selfish to want people to do what they say. I do what I say I'm going to do. I stick to my word. I'm loyal to a fault. I don't know what's so hard about it.
I guess what brought all this on is that I'm having a lot of bad dreams this week about my old friends and my old therapist. I keep having dreams still that they yell at me, reject me, and gang up on me. I miss them so much. There just aren't words to describe how much I miss the months that I had friends in my life once.... when we had slumber parties, and all went to the same eating disorder support group, and some of us had the same therapist and nutritionist... and we would laugh and joke around together and go to the craft store and shopping. I had it for such a short time-- it seems like just long enough to see how much I loved it. Then it was gone again-people left, people got busy, people moved away, times changed. And then I was alone again. I just miss it so much. And I just wonder, do any of those people ever think about me like I think of them? Do they ever pray for me like I pray for them? Do they ever miss those times? They've probably just moved on and gotten more new friends and gotten busy with their new lives and haven't given me a 2nd thought most likely.
I just miss them so much. I miss Sharon so much.
I wish I could get over this. I keep praying and waiting. Praying and waiting for things to get better.

I am still waiting. Trying to make things better for myself, and still waiting on things to get better. My heart is still deeply hurt by what my old therapist did. Still broken. I am still deep in depression. I've switched to a new medication which I really hope will help. I'm waiting for that to kick in. I have a new counselor... she is okay. She's not Sharon. Every time I talk to her, I sit there missing Sharon so much I want to cry.
Also I'm working on my future. My job is up in the air. It may be moved to a new school. Right now I'm so tired of my job that its hard to go to work every day and I'm burnt out. Its hard for me to be there and I no longer feel like I have a gift to do what I'm supposed to be doing. I pray and pray for God to tell me what He wants me to do with my future so I'm waiting to hear on that also.
I am trying not to be afraid anymore. God promises that all things work together for good for those who love him (Romans 8:28) and that God is able to do superabundandtly , far and above all that I dare ask or think (Ephesians 3:20). I"m trying to improve my attitude and instead of waiting in despair, I'm learning how to wait expectantly and (slowly) wait hopefully because I have learned to know that God hears my prayers and will answer them as He's answered many in the past. I just have to keep waiting.

Things are still going around here. I'm really working my butt off to get through some interesting days. Trying really hard to leave the old me and my past behind.

Someone I really cared a lot about died the other day.
Wednesday afternoon I made a BUNCH of phone calls to churches and other groups trying to find a grief support group. Out of all the messages, I got 2 places that called me back. One group was just ending, and 1 was just beginning.

Since 1 was just beginning, the lady said they'd be happy to have me join their grief group-- I was so relieved. I have SOOOO much grief work to do. I've lost quite a lot of friends in car accidents, to suicides, and I've lost many family members through death. Also I have lost relationships with friends suddenly, and then of course my therapist which has just torn me apart; then my friend died the other day. So I was so relieved to find a group I could FINALLY get support. Even when I was in a trauma hospital, I never had the chance to deal with all the deaths, suicides, and losses I've been through-- and I think THAT is a great big part of all my depression and eating disorder problem.
Was supposed to meet on Sunday.

Saturday night, the lady called me up.
Said to not come-- they decided not to let me in.
(??????) WHO decided?
My grief isn't big enough.
(??????) Is there a ruler to measure that?
Because they have people in their group with have lost children to suicide, women who have lost husbands.
I've just lost relationships and friends.
.....not big enough grief.
They don't want me.
(jerks)
(why can't I ever be good enough for ANY PLACE? ANYONE?)
It bugs me because I want SO MUCH to work through some of these things-- I want to get through these issues and GET BETTER-- especially the really hard stuff-- I AM SO DAMN WILLING TO WORK HARD.
Why can't I find someone to do it with? Someone to stick with me all the way to the end?
(what's wrong with me?)