Long time coming... new therapist
Hi everybody... We have put off writing this post for about a month because honestly, I was afraid to jinx anything. Silly, I know. But we didn't want to ruin anything good that might be starting. But, we're starting to...

New e-mail address for Pilgrim
Hi everybody, This site is outdated and doesn't have our new email address. If you would like to e-mail us privately you are always welcome to. We get lots of e-mail and sometimes it might take a couple days for...

Article on Suddenly Losing Your Therapist
Kathy Broady, a great therapist who treats trauma and DID, has written an excellent article on her blog, Discussing Dissociation, about "Suddenly Losing Your Therapist" and the impact it has. She's written it so well that there's not much we...

Halloween
I can't wait til Halloween is over. Really. Its a hard "holiday." There's nothing fun about it, just yucky stuff. That's all I can really say about that....

Psalm 91
Last night I watched some of the news before I fell asleep. I rarely ever do. It was disturbing. In 15 minutes, the reports were all about how many people in Texas have died of swine flu this week, how...

Going to try again
Well, maybe the 8th time will be the charm.... I'm going to try going to a new therapist tomorrow...again. On a whim, I asked some friends for a recommendation and they gave me her name. She is an expert on...

Update
I am still having dreams about Sharon and I wish they'd stop. I'm still having them about 3 times a week. It makes it hard to get her off my mind. I still think about what happened, a lot. A...

I am a New Creation
I was listening to Joyce Meyer's CD set on Total Transformation the other day, and one part just struck me like a lightning bolt. I ended up listening to the same sentence she said at least 5 or 6 times...

About Comments and E-mails
I'd like to take just a minute to thank every one of you who takes the time to write me e-mails and comments. In the years that we've been writing Pilgrim's Journey, we have received literally HUNDREDS of comments and...

"I Love You"
I don't know about you, but I am a sucker for these words when it comes to children. This morning I was on the phone with my sister (who lives far away) when she dropped my niece at school. I...

To See
Ever lived life with your eyes closed? Ever become aware that you're doing that, but been content to stay that way? Safer, that may be. Safer, but it gets boring after a while. Leaves you hanging, wondering, "what if?" Every...

Alternatives to Self-Injury
Its been about a year since I last cut, but I still want to sometimes when I get upset (thankfully, its rare these days...of course, my emotions are numb all the time pretty much since I lost sharon. but thats...

Kids Say the Darndest Things...
Ohhhh brother The other night my husband came home from the grocery store and brought me one of those cute little Ring Pop suckers as a surprise (if you don't have them outside the States, they are little rings that...

Found my old best friend
short background 1st: I met my best friend in 5th grade. We were basically best friends during the years I was in gifted classes-- the years when Missy was the main personality (for those of you who have had...

Mae
We used to always color with Sharon. In sessions. That was a special thing that Mae always did with Sharon. After Sharon left us, Mae could no longer color anymore. I wrote on here once that last spring she even...

A break from my chronic pain, what a relief!
I have had chronic pain in my back since spring of 2000 or so, ever since this 13 year old kid in my class decided to act up and hurt me really badly. There is a spot in my back...

I Love Effexor
I am now into my 3rd or 4th month of taking Effexor. I gotta say I like it a whole lot better than any other med I've been on. I used to take Wellbutrin for quite a few years, and...

How to Be Happy
So, I think I'm developing a little philosophy over here in my little space of the world. Spending hours and hours alone with a baby, seeing the world through her eyes, and lots and lots of time alone with God,...

A Word About Hope
This is one of my favorite articles. I read it often, and wanted to share it. It is from joycemeyer.org The Power of Hope by Joyce Meyer I define hope as "the happy anticipation of good things." Are you aggressively...

About Sharon (since lots of people still ask)
I get a lot of people e-mailing me and asking me whatever happened with Sharon, my therapist who dumped me a year and a half ago (January 2008). I am just going to briefly write about it here since its...

About Sharon (since lots of people still ask)
I get a lot of people e-mailing me and asking me whatever happened with Sharon, my therapist who dumped me a year and a half ago (January 2008). I am just going to briefly write about it here since its...

SO frustrated with people but trying not to "fret"
I just need to VENT. Someone I know is once again getting away with something STUPID, and people are feeling sorry for her. I HATE IT when people act like victims and get everyone to feel sorry for them time...

Follow Me on Twitter
As of this evening I'm officially a tweeter, or a twit, or whatever one calls oneself there. My tweetie name is JustPilgrim. Also don't forget to follow my blog http://freeforfaith.blogspot.com/...

Happy Birthday
Eight years is not very long. Especially if that's your entire lifetime. That isn't even long enough to make it into the national census. It is a long time to be in pain though. A long time to be a...

Big Body Image Realization this weekend
This weekend my husband and I took our two biggest dogs to the lake to go swimming for a couple hours. Its at my in-law's house, and we hang out with them and their dogs for a few hours. We...

Playing Ball
Last week hubby and I went to the botanical gardens which are about 30 minutes from where we live. Its one of my favorite places to go because the gigantic flower gardens and trees are just so incredibly beautiful. Sometimes...

Big disappointment...again
Well, the 7th time was definitely NOT the charm. It was another disaster. I feel so stupid and vulnerable and I feel like such a FOOL. Tried therapy again last night. The guy was nice....an older guy, like a grampa...which...

Maybe the 7th time is the Charm..
I really don't know why I'm doing this again. But tomorrow night I have an appointment with yet ANOTHER new therapist. I was told this person is "the bet therapist" in my state. We'll see. Only because I'm desperate. I...

Help Build a Home for Unwanted Babies
Please help me, and other partners, support this ministry & give homes to unwanted children: http://www.joycemeyer.org/OurMinistries/HandofHope/News/babybulrushes.htm From Joyce Meyer Ministries Last Christmas near Kampala, Uganda, a young boy found a tiny crying newborn—umbilical cord still attached—on a banana plantation. What’s...

Realization...which is a little hard to take on my own
I had a realization this morning. It is a little hard to take, and I really wish I had Sharon (my old therapist) to talk to. I miss her so much, especially right now. I don't know where to go...

My heart still hurts
I'm doing lots better in a lot of things. I am. If I could just wipe out all these memories of Sharon. All of them. Every memory, even the good ones, make me so sad. Sometimes I can go about...

Effexor Side Effects, but I'm handling it I think
So far I have been on my effexor for about 2 weeks and I think that my mood is improving. It feels like that black cloud that has been over me for years and years is lifting. It's very strange....

I think the Effexor is Helping
I got a new doctor, thank goodness. He is nicer than my old one and less intimidating. Easier to talk to. I did not bring up the DID. The only thing I would admit to is depression and PTSD. He...

Stressed Out
I'm just trying to hang on right now. I'm stressed out and wanting to disappear. I've been sleeping a lot more, but it isn't enough. I want to get away from me. I"m worried sick about things that are going...

If You Have Been Hurt by Someone
This was in my Daily Devotional Today, Sparkling Gems from the Greek, for March 17th, and I HAD to share it. It is something that I have been thinking about today.... and well, I'm in a place right now where...

Just not able to handle anything right now
For some reason, the past week I my tolerance to handle things seems really low and I'm not sure why. I keep praying, but I feel desperate again. I am not eating well, which it just stupid. I want to...

I miss Sharon so much.
I tried joining a new art group tonight. To have some fun. Before I left i was already in a sad mood because my ex best friend is probably going to die from her anorexia, and i wish so much...

Sad Dream
I had another dream about Sharon last night. I had a tough evening yesterday because the rainy wet weather reminded me about a day of therapy I had with her that was especially meaningful and helpful. So I spent the...

Who do you protect? Who do you project?
Was thinking about this the other day...about the inside me and the outside me. How over the years I've gone through stages where the inner me was quite different from the outer me. The one inside who I protected, hid...

Where Can I Buy the Sybil Movie? (Sally Field Version)
I have tons of people ask me and write comments about where to find the Sally Field version of the Sybil movie from 1976. Even though for many years it was impossible to find, Amazon has had it available for...

God with Skin On
I have nothing profound or really even thoughtful to say today. I just need to write. There are a lot of people who write to me thanking me for making me think, or for helping them draw nearer to God,...

A Personal Thank You to All of You
I would like to say thank you to the hundreds of you who have written me letters over the past few years. I don't know that I've taken the time to do that here. There have been hundreds of e-mails...

Bearing Gifts as if They're Burdens
Today on the radio I was listening to Ginny Owen's song--I think its called "Free"-- and part of it's lyrics are this: Turnin' molehills into mountains Makin' big deals out of small ones Bearing gifts as if they're burdens This...

Encouragement in Hard Times
I just wanted to share this. I know lots and lots of people are having really hard times right now. I thought this my help. http://www.joycemeyer.org/OurMinistries/EverydayAnswers/encouragement.htm...

More Places to Find me
Just wanted to add that I have new website addresses-- I have moved my main website to a free address: http://thecolorfulsoul.tripod.com/ And my other blog that doesn't have anything to do with DID or eating disorders which is where I...

Random Facts About Me
25 Random Facts about Me Just because....no one ever asks and I just feel like talking... 1. I am a Christian, which is the most important thing about me. I live for Christ. 2. I don't care about being popular,...

An Open Letter to Sharon, my former therapist
Sharon, I am angry with you. I am angry at you for the lousy way you ended therapy with no warning. For calling me in your office and just ending it with no preparation.I don’t care what your perception of...

One Year Anniversary
Today is the 1 year anniversary of when Sharon left me. Us. There is a part of my heart that is aching badly, because I miss her so much. But I have changed so much in the past year... I...

Have you heard of Laminin?
This is so amazing. Be sure to watch it all the way to the end (its 8 minutes.)...

Time
Time seems to be just standing still the past few days. I feel like I'm in a waiting game. Waiting for things to change, waiting for I don't know what for. Waiting for God to do something. I've done and...

Maybe it doesn't actually matter
Since Christmas with my family I have been thinking a lot. Maybe it doesn't matter if I actually "recover" from my eating disorder or from any of the other stuff or not. Maybe its just a lifestyle now. Maybe its...

Great Sadness
This is the 1st year that Mae didn't get any Christmas presents. No toys. Tonight in the shower she started talking out loud and started crying for Sharon and how badly she wanted so much to go back to Sharon's...

Give a Hand of Hope this Christmas
I love this ministry. It does so much good, especially for children. For more information, see www.joycemeyer.org...

Joyce Meyer Fans and a quick Update
I am starting a livejournal community for other Joyce Meyer fans like myself at http://community.livejournal.com/joyce_meyer_fan/ This is for Christians who want to talk about Joyce's teaching, God, Jesus, her ministry (Hand of Hope), and other Christian topics. I'm just doing...

Update from Me- Brand New Life
I just wanted to give a little update. God has been so good to me. I have quit my teaching job, after being injured pretty badly by a student and no repercussions taken against him, and still getting no help...

Saying Goodbye
I think after four years of posting, I've gone around this mountain enough times. We all know what happens to me every fall, every winter. All my readers have seen me go 'round that mountain with relapse in the fall,...

Introducing my Art and Jewelry Website- Please take a look
http://www.thecolorfulsoul.com/ This has a lot of my artwork, photography, and jewelry on it, as well as a link to my etsy website, easy ways to purchase artwork and jewelry, links to my favorite websites, and much more. Please take a...

I feel trapped
I feel so trapped. I want so much to not be teaching anymore, at least not in THIS class. I LOVE my new school and I love my principal, she is so nice. Of course, I don't trust anyone yet....

Hanging on to...not much
Maybe its just because I've been sick for a week, but today I was really emotional and very down which I haven't been for a while. I've worked so hard this year on being numb and only letting positive words...

Disappointment
My week hasn't started off on the best note. Yesterday I got a new kid who threw a fit all day, tried to run out the door, tip over wheelchairs, threw chairs, threw toys, attacked another kid for no reason,...

Anniversaries/Goodbyes
This week I deal with the 9 month anniversary of Sharon leaving me and the 17 year anniversary of the death of a friend. Its a good thing I'm so extremely busy this week because I'm so distracted, yet at...

Really missing them tonight
I had a dream the other night about my old nutritionist, CA. In my dream she was sitting by me and just talking nicely to me. I miss that so much. And I miss Sharon so much. I just want...

Off to a busy start for the school year
Can we just say a big AMEN for Fridays? Could I possibly be any happier that its finally the weekend? A bunch of teachers were mentioning today that they thought it was a really long week, but I think that...

As ready as I'll ever be
School starts on Monday and my room is now as done as its going to get. A friend and I went and worked in there for nearly 6 hours today. She also helped me get a little more organized, but...

Back to work
Well it was time to go back to work today. I'm at a new school with all new people. The only people I know are another teacher and aide. Everyone else is new. Today went okay I think. I am...

Mind,Mouth, Moods, and Attitudes
I've been trying so hard to change my thoughts and my heart. Well, I've been trying to let God do it. I'm so glad that God is more patient with me than people are. Right now I am listening to...

Overwhelmed and hard time
I'm having a really hard time today. Last night I had more dreams about Sharon-- trying to get back to see her. I keep having the same dreams over and over and its so frustrating and I wake up trying...

Back to work
Today I started back to work in my new classroom in my new school. I am really nervous. Being in yet another new place where no one knows me. There are a couple of other people changing to this school...

Jewelry for Sale by Pilgrim


Dissociative Disorder Awareness
My friend has taken a lot of time to help spread the awareness of dissociative disorders. One of the things she has done was create a pin which people can wear in support of dissociative disorders/MPD/DID. Her pins are great...

Acceptance
I have realize something the past few days. I dont need the approval or acceptance of anyone else in this world anymore. I used to need it really badly. But I have realized that I am accepted and loved by...

I GET it. God loves me.
Let me tell you what I have been going through the past 2 days. Unbelievable torment in my mind. Worse than its been since Sharon left me back in January-- I felt like I was back there again, like it...

Yet I Will Praise Him
Hebrews 13:5 (Amplified Bible) God Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. I will not, I will not, I will not in any degree leave you helpless...

Guilt
I know that nothing that happened this year was Sharon's fault. I was stupid writing about how I need to forgive her. Who I can't forgive is MYSELF. I was the one who screwed up so bad and ruined everything....

Forgiveness
I keep praying and praying that God will take this bitterness out of my heart. That God will make my heart not be so hard. It is just towards this stuff that still has to do with Sharon. And I...

Dreams
Last night was a bad night. We had more bad dreams about Sharon. Over and over her rejecting us and the things she said that night. Over and over again how we screwed up and ruined everything. How we'll never...

Seven Things That Steal Your Joy
This is one of the best books I have ever read: Seven Things that Steal Your Joy by Joyce Meyer. It's available on Amazon.com here at a really good price if you buy it used. Read it....

I hate having multiple personalities
I dont want to go into it. But I HATE HATE HATE having multiple personalities. I hate DID. I hate all the stupid things in my life I have done because of it. I hate all the losses we've had...

A friend
I had a new friend come over to my house last night. That was something I have been praying for, for a very long time. I met a friend on a web board for artists, and at the beginning of...

Battlefield of the Mind
It so often feels like there's a war in my head. It goes on all the time inside of us. It's not as bad as it used to be years ago but its still there. Mostly I try to ignore...

I miss Sharon's hugs.
Tonight its been 7 months since Sharon told me she wasn't going to see me anymore. I miss her so much... my heart still hurts. Its been such a long time. There are so many, many things I miss about...

Handled stress in a new way.....
I'm so...weirded out. Amazed. I don't want to say proud of myself, because I know its not ME-- its because God has been changing me, I have been incapable of changing myself alone for the past 30 + years. I...

Invitations and I am so grateful
This week I have had 4 invitations. An invitation to possibly take a new job, which I hopefully will get... which would mean a major life change and a new life style. Which I need. An invitation to go to...

Love knows no bounds
I just LOVE this so much... I love reunions. I have watched this video so many times. Watch it... you will be glad you did....

Getting free of my old life
I am thinking about getting off my medications. I am on three right now. One of them is a sleeping pill. I have been on medications for a long time but none of them have ever worked quite right.Something I...

My heart hurts
I'm visiting my family. Where they live on the other side of the country. I come twice a year-- summer and Christmas. I come because I love my family, and because I want to give my sister a break. She...

God brings joy through children
I have been on vacation visiting my family and its always really stressful for me to be here (flashbacks and stuff) . The last time I was here I still had my therapist to talk to for support. The last...

Going on vacation
In a few days I'm going on vacation to visit my family. It really shouldn't be a big deal. I get to go see my sister, and she makes me laugh harder than anyone I know. We always have a...

My new website
On here you can see some of my artwork and jewelry. The jewelry pictures will be updated because a few pieces have already been sold, and several pieces are going to be fixed up and made prettier-- I bought some...

Six months has passed
Its been six months since Sharon left. Six months tonight. I have been trying really hard today to focus only on positive things...on God. I have had to turn my heart and mind off. Today I went through a box...

I am going to the Joyce Meyer Women's Conference!
I just got surprising news tonight. My husband is sending me to the Joyce Meyer Women's Conference in St. Louis ! Its October 2-4 this year. I have been wanting to go but of course I didn't say anything, I...

Paintings for Sale
I don't know if we have mentioned this very often (if at all, as I try not to read any of our old posts, too triggering) but we paint and make jewelry as a hobby. Since I lost Sharon I...

Sybil movie remake
I don't know how many people saw it, but the remake of the original "Sybil" movie was on CBS tonight. I watched it and thought it was okay. Could have been done better but it CERTAINLY could have been a...

Anniversary
I guess I am having a harder time and wanting to isolate more. This week would have been the "anniversary" of starting therapy with Sharon. Having a hard time with it.Anniversaries of all sorts have always been a big deal...

Its my body
Lately since I have been injured for several weeks I have been stuck on the couch unable to move or exercise. That's got me convince that I'm gaining weight. I know I don't eat much. But I've been convinced I've...

No more therapy for me
I've decided to stop going to therapy. It isn't what I want to be doing with my time and money right now, and I"m not putting the effort into it that I should be. I might as well not waste...

support website for Christians
I am just starting up a new website which is for Christians. It is for people to talk about all sorts of issues such as mental health (yes, DID too), eating disorders, family problems, healthy living, and even talking about...

Might stop going.
i think i might just stop going to therapy after all. it isn't helping, since sharon stopped seeing me. i don't have any desire to stop being anorexic any more. i don't have any desire to follow a meal plan....

Deep Grief Revisits
I guess its the realization that I'm having to let go and say goodbye to more of my life, or that more big changes are coming up soon for me, or being at group tonight where Sharon used to be...

Uncertainty and Progress
I got word this morning that some major changes are going to be happening with my job. Even just a few months ago, this news would have devastated me and sent me into a tailspin for days. I probably would...


So since Sharon dumped me in January I have tried several therapists, and this one is like #5 or so (I lost count). She is a nice enough girl, and a Christian which is good so we share the same...

Massage brought up big feelings
i had a massage today. i get them because my old T used to talk about getting massages was one of the ways she took care of herself. i miss sharon so much. today was so hard. the massage lady...

A Happy Surprise
This was a really nice surprise today. I got my work evaluation back. Even though this is the hardest year I've ever had-EVER- I got this years evaluation-and I got all perfect scores in every area! Teachers get evaluated in...

I might have helped someone
The other night I was at a support group which I have attended on and off since 1999. Its changed a lot over the years. I've seen people come and go...including friends I used to have. The group dynamics change...

Its been 5 months
...and I still miss her so much. I have an ache in my chest that won't go away. My nutritionist recently decided she doesn't want to work with me either if I'm not seeing someone who doesn't work on eating...

How much do I matter?
This week I am really struggling with my self-worth. I keep wondering how much do I matter to anyone, including God. In a book by Joyce Meyer she wrote that God thinks we are precious. I haven't ever felt precious...

Waiting on God's Promises
I am still waiting. Trying to make things better for myself, and still waiting on things to get better. My heart is still deeply hurt by what my old therapist did. Still broken. I am still deep in depression. I've...

Trying to find a grief support group
Things are still going around here. I'm really working my butt off to get through some interesting days. Trying really hard to leave the old me and my past behind. Someone I really cared a lot about died the other...

I want so much to dance again.
We used to dance on Friday afternoons with the kids in our class. We'd put these funky nursery rhymes or the ABC song on and jump around and dance and act silly as a fun and crazy way to end...

Thursdays
My heart aches more on Thursdays. Those were my appointment days with Sharon. I used to look forward to 5:00 coming. Right now I should be in the waiting room for her to come get me. I try hard to...

Still not a lot to say
I know that people are concerned and want to hear from me. Thank you for your e-mails. I still don't have much to say. I have gotten very closed in on myself and don't talk to anybody much anymore. Still...

A Mind's Journey got a shout- out on the radio... WOW
Thanks to one of our site members, my support forum, A Mind's Journey, just got a shout-out on public radio. I'm so excited. Thanks, you-know-who-you-are :) I can't believe that in just 4 short years my little website has grown...

Not much to say anymore
I don't talk too much anymore.. I don't each much anymore. I've been getting sick a lot and that scares me because its like I don't have any internal reserves to deal with getting sick. The inside kids continue to...

I don't know what's wrong with me (except abandonment)
I am seriously defective. I am crying more and harder. I'm getting really bad stomach aches and my stomach is in knots all the time. Everyone keeps telling me to stop thinking about Sharon and what happened and just move...

Trying so hard to move on and let go
I'm trying so hard to move on and let go. But I feel so defective. My thoughts obsess over what happened with Sharon and the lousy way things ended. The guilt and shame over the way things ended, the letters...

Can't seem to move on. It was all our fault.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel so defective. I can't seem to move on at all after Sharon left us. It still feels as raw as it did on January 10th. In fact it seems to feel...


It was so hard today. Husband and I went to the butterfly exhibit like we do just about every year. Each year we have gone, we have bought something in the gift shop for our old T because she likes...

Therapy shouldn't cause more PTSD
I feel likewe got thrown away. Like my old therapist threw us away. It would have been better if she would have just died. Then there would be a reason. But when she just gave up on me and didn't...

broken.
i feel like i can't survive another loss. my heart hurts so much. i have to deal with it alone. maybe my therapist never cared in the 1st place. i dont know what to believe. the times when we worked...

I was wrong.
I was wrong to tell my old therapist that I deserved a 2nd chance with her. I was wrong to tell her, "I'm a good person-- I deserve a 2nd chance." I told her about all the positive changes I...

Confused and lost
I can't say much right now. Words escape me. Today our old therapist wrote us a letter explaining that its still a definite no that she won't be seeing us again. That she won't even do a transition session with...

Bad day-- but handling it differently than I used to
The past 2 days haven't been very good ones for me. Especially today. I've been coming down with some stomach thing. And then today I got some news I didn't want to hear by someone who completely confuses me, so...

Do we stay or go?
This has been a really,really stressful school year. To keep privacy I can't give details, but things have been very hard all year. Even at the beginning of the year, long before the stress of losing our therapist, we were...

Inside Kids are really Struggling
The title says it all. The inside kids are having a really hard time still. After our transition session with our old therapist last week, I got to talk, and I read a letter that we all helped write. But...

Waiting Game...
Right now we're in a state of waiting. It's hard. I don't want to go into any details, quite frankly. I've had a long day and a long night. There is a lot about our life we don't share on...

Saying Goodbye to Anorexia
I'm ready to say goodbye to my eating disorder I've had for over 20 years. This is the 1st time I've ever felt this way. The week at Shades of Hope made such a difference inside of us. And before...

Meal plan, being scared, protecting the inside kids.
I went to my nutritionist tonight and started a meal plan. FINALLY. After nearly 8 years of fighting her-- its about time. She said its music to her ears. I'm glad I'm finally in a place where I am able...

Affirmations by Jo, and with some from others inside
.....I can let go and let God (while still praying hard enough to make my brains practically pop out of my ears...) .... I am a good person who deserves a 2nd chance .... I know myself inside and out...

I'm home
I just wanted to touch base with everyone and say that I'm home. I met some incredible people this week. The therapists at Shades of hope are amazing. Everyone was. If anyone ever has the chance to go to Shades...

I miss my therapist so much/ leaving for IP
Right now I need to hear my old therapist's voice so much. I wish I could talk to her so bad. In the morning I'm leaving to go to the weeklong eating disorder workshop and I'm so scared. I'm shaking...

All the crayons are gone
this is so hard mae and sharon used to color all the time. sharon still has some of Mae's coloring books. it helped mae so much to sit and color with sharon. One time, a while ago, Mae accidently broke...

All these people but so alone.
I live in a big city in the USA. To protect my privacy, I won't say where. But all the time, I'm surrounded by people. My school has a lot of kids in it. There's a lot of people on...

I am so alone.
falling apart tonight. Yah, BIG SURPRISE. We were writing a new letter to our ex-T (God, I DESPISE writing that) -- to read at our transition session with her with new stupid T (who we still HATE ) . Trying...

4 weeks since T left me...
...and I'm still decompensating. Thursdays are the worst because that was "therapy night" from 5-7 pm. And I'm not there anymore. This fact tears my heart out. The inside kids cry so hard. The ache goes down so deep inside...

Shades of Hope, losing weight, losing hope, lonely
Well we're certainly not handling things at all since our T left us.We miss her so much, and think about her so much, but every thought, ever memory, is painful. Its hardest of Mae; Mae adored Sharon, and to now...

Its been a long 3 1/2 weeks since Therapist left us; still brokenhearted
The past few weeks have been really bad. I've lost more weight, still not sleeping or eating much.Every minute in the back of my head, we still think about our old therapist and how she left us. We still have...

Another appointment with new therapist. Is God trying to kill me?.
Went to see stupid new T today. hate all this. go in there and feel like gravity weighs too heavy on me, so hard like i cant move. fall down inside a tunnel and my head spins so much, everything...

Nightmares and no more sparklies
It feels like everything in the whole world is different. It seems like everything is strange. No one is acting right. Tonight the kids saw all kinds of sparkly fairies with lights shining on them. Things that normally they’d go...

Why should I care?
Something my "new Therapist" said is bugging us so much. I dont know what the question originally was but then she said, "But what would I think?" I told her "I don't care." WHo CARES what she thinks? There's only...

Not getting any better after my therapist left me
Its been a week since my therapist left me and I'm not doing any better yet. I'm not eating or sleeping yet. I don't think I've ever been this exhausted or sick feeling. Even when I want to eat, I...

Just still in shock over therapist abandonment
Time is going by so slow. It feels like we're moving through molasses. Still no sleep and not much food inside.. Inside kids just cry and cry. Even though I take sleeping pills, I can't sleep still-they're not working. Barely...

In shock, no sleep, ready to give up, re-burying everything.
I only got 3 hours of sleep last night. I kept having nightmares about my therapist telling me, "I'm done." and her saying she wasn't going to work with me anymore. I can't believe she said those words. I keep...

My therapist abandoned me, even though she said she wouldn't ever do that
My therapist dumped me tonight. She wanted our husband there in case we freaked out. Even though she said she wouldn't ever do it, she did. Just like everyone else does. We can't trust anyone. Now her too. We can't...

Maybe I can't trust my therapist anymore :(
So upset. I'm down a long long tunnel spaced out so its hard to write. this is jo. i'm so disappointed and let down and feeling so worried and sick inside....

Getting a Master's Degree and being DID
We have been under pressure for a couple of years to get a Master's Degree. It started again at Christmastime on vacation. I put myself under pressure too, it doesn't just come from friends and family. In fact we WANT...

A Christmas trip, being torn apart, and the kindness of a stranger
Well I'm back at home from my adventurous trip to visit my family....

Going home for Christmas and nervous
Pretty soon I'll be getting on an airplace and flying back to my family's houses for Christmas and I'm nervous. Not just about hanging out with my family but just of traveling and being away from home. With the grown...

Feeling ignored & unimportant
I feel really ignored and unimportant more than usual this week. i think i shouldn't be writing about this so I've changed my mind. the people that i wrote about are always going to come up with some fabulous justification...

Someone wrote a song
Yesterday in our inbox we got an interesting surprise. There was an e-mail from someone in Greece who had read this journal. Caroline gets a lot of e-mails from people saying how things SHE has written have inspired them. i...

Just don't feel like eating most of the time
This is just jo. I finally met my goal weight that we set 20 years ago. I finally did it. Because I'm someone who does what they say they will do. Sometime I promised I'd do. No one knows what...

I just can't do anything right these days
I wish the adults would come back. Although I can't see why they would. Being in an underpaid thankless job and going in early and staying late, I wouldn't want that either. It seems like all I'm doing is saying...

Without Caroline
I'm just so lonely and far away from everyone. I need Caroline to talk to. I feel like I'm doing so many things wrong. I don't want to make any decisions while she's not here. It feels so strange without...

Goodbye letter to Caroline
Only a couple of people know this, but after the whole 911 thing a couple weeks ago, Caroline and the rest of the adults jumped ship. She left a message about being a failure, something about she couldn't believe she...

i just don't want to be anywhere
Its our job to look happy and cheerful all the time so no one complains about us and don't make anyone mad. So we HAVE to keep a smile on our face. But really i just don't want to be...

Burger King's Italian Chicken Sandwich, and My Last Summer of Happiness
Burger King has re-introduced their italian chicken sandwich. The last time I had one was in the mid 1980's when I was around 13 or 14, and lived off of them for 1 summer when our family was building a...

My therapist called 911
i'm so scared that my therapist hates me. she called 911 on me tonight. couldnt stop dissociating after an intense session. she found mae and mindy out front. i can't remember what they said. but it was something about waiting...

Awaiting Thanksgiving break
There are 10 days of work until Thanksgiving break and I'm just trying to hang in there til then. Its been a very hard time the past few weeks even for Caroline. Our computer crashed and we lost everything, every...

Surviving October
I'm counting the days til Halloween is over. November can't get here soon enough. There's so much going on, inside and at work and at home, and it seems like I'm constantly busy, constantly behind in my work, even when...

Getting back to normal life
Sorry it took me so long to update this journal. We have been really sick for a few weeks now. We're just now getting back to normal. Also, our journal (Pilgrim's Journey) isn't listed on the main health diaries home...

I feel so transparent
So my husband got me a massage for our anniversary... which is one of my favorite things....

After 2 weeks and no word...
I really want to come back and say something wise or thrilling. But I don't have anything. Things have been very complicated the past week or so. You know how you just have some days when everything that can go...

What is it like to have multiple personalities?
Someone asked us this. Thought we'd post our response here. As far as what DID is like....wow. Its sort of like, being stuck in a cell with a lot of people at one time, all trying to share the same...

jo screws up once again
Someone's birthday is in a few days. once again i did something wrong. i thought i would make this person a cake. i haven't before. its always been caroline or Pilgrim or mae. since i am around more lately i...

from Caroline
I'm just in a bad mood today. One of my kids didn't get picked up, and so I lost my lunch time because I had to stay with him. With my kids, I can't just send them to a corner...

online support for DID/MPD at A Mind's Journey
It has been a while since I posted a reminder about our forum for dissociative disorders. It is at: http://s3.invisionfree.com/A_Minds_Journey/index.php In the past few months we have added new forums. There are places for littles, teens, adults,Internal self helpers, and...

I am a Rock-- a memory of Missy
I just remembered something. The other day I downloaded some new songs to my iPod…60’s and 70’s stuff. I was just listening to them while I was exercising, and the last song was Simon & Garfunkel—“I am a Rock”. Oh...

I want to cut
i havent cut in a long time, but i want to so much tonight....

If it isn't broke, don't fix it.
Big things are going on and I'm not handling it well at all....

moving house
My parents sold their house....

My brain hurts
Really. It does. We have half a day to get ready for school to start. My students are going to be filing into my room...well, more like jumping over each other... before I know it. My brain is completely overloaded....

Another School year begins
We have been back at work for 3 days and so far things are going pretty well. Caroline is in heaven because she's only happy when she's working. Even though she is stressed out, that's what she lives for. Pilgrim...

A birthday for a lost boy
This might sound silly. There are so many other big things going on in my life, maybe it is even a little weird to get so sad over something so simple. I used to teach a special ed class,...

The Post Secret Movie
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6rTkp1dek4 I just wanted to put this out there, because its one of our favorite sites. We're thinking about secrets a lot right now. Lots of thinking, and not much writing or talking. Not many updates lately. Will soon, as...

Therapy today
Today was supposed to be a good day... back to therapy after 2 weeks....

I'm so afraid
Maybe this is all irrational but I feel so afraid that my chest hurts, my stomach hurts, my head hurts, and I feel like I could become unglued at any second. Or have a headache. My chest is so tight....

I want to just be invisible
Its just jo. I'm only here because no one else is except for Caroline, and she's obsessed with getting work done. That's all she's doing these days, is working and working more, trying to get ready for school when it...

Website to share our stuff
We are working on a new website that just has some of our creations on it. Its still a work in progress, but you can look if you like: http://pilgrim.and.company.tripod.com/...

She's not bipolar, an update, another trip, and don't want to be this way
Got home from another trip. An emotional one. Still trying to adjust to being home. Its hard to talk about. Still not really able to. Every trip home is like having a final exam that we didn't study for. Its...

The Last Mimzy
Today we bought The Last Mimzy. When it came out it was instantly one of the kids favorite movies "ever". The little girl in it is SO MUCH like Mae, so sensitive and naive and intuitive, even down to her...

Cant keep up
There's too much going on. We are all just way too overwhelmed. There's just not nearly enough time in therapy when there is this much going on and a trip back to our family coming up in two days. Its...

Good books on DID/ living with DID
Here is a list of our favorite books on being multiple/ DID. There are quite a few books out there these days, but these are the ones that are our favorites because they are written to be helpful, and don't...

Stuffing things down
We have only a few days until we go visit family which is the most stressful time of the year. The only reason we go is because its the only way to see our sister, who wont come here to...

Packing for a Trip
We're trying to get ready for a weekend away. I know our husband thinks we always take a lot of stuff. Its always such an adventure just trying to pack.It'd be great if it was just 1 adult going. We...

Someone to talk to
Its after midnight but I wish so much I had someone to talk to. Last night was so rough and today was such a hard day inside that I just feel completely frazzled and worn out. And I just want...

I just want to be an individual
Therapy sucks sometimes. I wish I could be like everyone else and just go by myself without an entire team following me around. This was going to be my turn to go talk to our therapist. I have been waiting...

Lots of new people/ need time alone
Really overwhelmed. We have lots of new people in our life. People from church and people from husband's job and people from a support group. All within the last few weeks. Its supposed to be good for us but mostly...

Taking a day off work
This is a better day. We have been so stressed out from work. We've been working really hard on something-- its not regular work, its something we're doing for the district that is extra. Its a lot of mental work...

Have to keep our weight UP and e.d. quandries
Well if that isn't just the oddest thing ever, to be told. To have to keep your weight up. How bizzare is that? I dont know. After all this time of trying to eat more, do LESS eating disorder stuff,...

We need to find a scale/ worried about what's going to happen next
its jo. The new girl/old girl who's back/ whoever she is went to see our nutrionist tonight. Boy was that a disaster. She tried answering questions--we haven't been there since February. But then our nutritionist asked who she was talking...

Where did the time go? *losing time*
I am very confused and totally lost, and this is going to sound really weird. And I am only guessing at what i'm supposed to be doing here and getting by on what I've learned in the past week. I...

2 new groups- one church group and one CoDependents Anonymous
Summer has certainly gotten off to a quick start. I've found myself in two new groups for support that are sort of overwhelming to me but I think they're going to be good for me. As soon as I get...

Summer Days
Today is our first actual day of summer off, on our own by ourselves. Its really nice to have days like this. We can all do what we want, when we ant to-- we have free time, and there's no...

When the doctor says "You're too skinny."
This entry really isn't so much about everyone's opinions this is just me wondering out loud. Last time I went to the doctor, recently, he told me I was too skinny and needed to gain some weight. He doesn't know...

Stepping away and summer vacation
Its summer. Some of us have taken steps away from places we used to frequent. Some of the girls inside have gone further inside to get away from conflict and too many feelings. Mae has had some difficult things come...

Just journalling to get some things out, get quiet before bed
This is Caroline. I have had a VERY long day and have a big headache-- I used to not get headaches or get sick, but ever since we've been working together inside, I get headaches now (BLAH). I just thought...

Getting a new psychiatrist
So, we're switching psychiatrists again....

Its hard to say goodbye-- -- and please help support my friend !
This is Caroline. School is coming to an end this year-- thank goodness, because I really can't take much more right now. I'm so overwhelmed, and my paperwork is backed up. But today was one of those days, this beautiful...

Stupid insurance letter.
I feel so stupid and idiotic around my therapist. She is pretty and smart, and I know that she's not perfect and doesn't have it all together, but she sure is miles and miles ahead of us in knowing how...

Separation
There has been a been a pulling back inside ....

I can't make anything make sense
Our brain is not working right....

What a crazy week!
This have been just crazy around here but mostly in a good way....

The Butterfly Story
I found this tonight. It was given to us by our nutritionist several years ago. Its probably passed around from therapist to therapist as some inspirational recovery story. The Butterfly Story........

Dealing with people you can't stand, making progress, asking for help, and writing a book
Well this has certainly been an interesting week, to say the least. It started out all tragical, of course, having ex-friend say we're crazy in every sense of the word. That was until we talked to a few people and...

Learning
Some people, especially people who are total jerks, are just not worth my time....

Self-destruct cycle
I haven't been doing okay at all for a few days....

What Caroline didn't write in that last post
This is jo. Caroline wrote a lot in that last entry about friends, but what she didn't say was how much responsibility WE have. Our therapist says otherwise, but i just know that somehow, everything that happened with the old...

Old friends vs. new friends
This is Caroline. You know that saying, "Make new friends, but keep the old"? Well, we certainly have a problem with that one. Both making new friends AND keeping the old are just about impossible for us. A lot of...

Relationships among alters
So we are trying to figure this out. Who are we to each other? What do we call each other?...

Therapy
Agh....

There but by the Grace of God go I...
It is so strange to be in the place that I am in at the end of this school year. Several years ago I was in a school that I hated with bosses that I couldn't stand. Now I am...

Up late
This is just me, up late and babbling....

Not so much a happy Easter
what a stupid ridiculous day and i handled it REALLY BADLY. my husband works at church in the choir so he is always gone. so today i woke up and he was gone, but had left out a basket for...

i just want to scream.
I just want to scream because I am so frustrated....

Being the caretaker
This is Caroline. Today I went to see our therapist-- we got to have an extra session this week, because we have a couple of days off for Easter vacation, and I'm so grateful. I meant to go in and...

What an anorexic mind thinks is "thin enough".
I think the girl in this photo has a perfect body. THIS is what I want to look like....

I love Billy Blanks Tae Bo Fat Blasting Workouts, I guess....
Lately I guess I have lost some weight. I can't actually see it. For some reason all my clothes have been getting bigger on me, some of them way bigger, like my pants. But it just makes me wonder if...

I hate myself.
Sometimes I feel like I should just be locked away and never seen again, like that would be the best thing for everyone. All of you who write stupid snarky mean comments on my blog sometimes, go ahead and have...

Waiting anxiously. I just want it to be Tuesday afternoon!
Time is going by so slowly... it always does, but lately even more so... and I am waiting anxiously to get to my next therapy appointment on Tuesday....

i just ruin everything
this is pilgrim. i had therapy today....

Remake of the Sybil movie
There is supposed to be a movie coming out based on the old "Sybil" movie-- the one with Joanne Woodward and Sally Field. Sybil is based on a book by Flora Rheta Schreiber, about a lady that had something like...

Where Sensory Integration & Aspergers fit into the story
This is Caroline... I am going to include this for Pilgrim...something that she wrote. She in particular has problems with Asperger's Syndrome and Sensory Integration. It is mainly her in particular, although Mae has problems with those things a little...

I'll do anything I can
Today I was thinking about how much has changed in the last 10 years of our life. Its too much to list here, but no matter how much we are still struggling inside with a lot of things, our life...

Postsecret.com and my own secret life
Tonight I was thinking about the popularity of PostSecret and the books that has followed. Also its offshoot, my favorite, LiveJournalSecret (it posts secrets several times a week). What is it that compels some people to tell everything, while other...

Emotional Rollercoaster. Wheee!!!! .....Not fun.
What I'm trying to write down probably won't make much sense, as it's difficult to type and hard to connect my thoughts together. All weekend long things have been very switchy, and all of us are on a huge emotional...

Comments on Journals
There are no implied rights to posting a comment. Free speech means you can say what you feel you need to say without the GOVERNMENT coming down on you, not me. If you decide to be an insensitive idiot your...

Dealing with grief again
One of the most important people in the world has died. She wasn't someone that anyone would recognize. She was never on television. She never invented anything. She most certainly did NOT make a lot of money. But she was...

Self-injury
This is a video off of youtube. It may trigger so please be careful. Short on words this week...this video works instead. http://youtube.com/watch?v=t9k6-_eHhcg&mode=related&search=...

My therapy session was cancelled
Our therapist e-mailed us today and cancelled our session for tonight. Finding out by e-mail is a really crappy, cruddy way to find out. All day long I was waiting for my phone to ring to see if she'd call,...

Triggered
Things have been rather unsettled for us for a few days. It's getting better, but the past few days have been really rough so no one has written. Therapy on Tuesday was really hard-- I think we already wrote about...

There is so much I need to learn
Hey all its Caroline. Well things are as always quite busy which you know is how I like it and how I keep things. I realize that's pretty much my fault that I'm swamped with work all the time. I...

Yoga, College, School, and Stress
So much goes on every day that its hard to think about what to ever say on the days I have time to write. I've been doing yoga on the days that I have time in an effort to...

What happened to Mae, Pilgrim, and the beginning of Caroline
Last week, Mae talked about the day that she "disappeared" in order to get away from her mean kindergarten teacher who was yelling at her. She went to this very strict Baptist school where nothing was tolerated and you had...

All stressed out and nowhere to go
Good evening, this is Caroline. Things are just crazy at work still. However, things are getting done bit by bit. One major project is near completion since I have been working on it like crazy on several weekends. I also...

Unending grief
Its jo. Someone on tv just said something (I wasn’t expecting) about a man being caught in his car when it caught on fire…and how the man kept screaming and screaming, and how you could smell him burning up. And...

A Bright spot in my day.
This is Caroline. Today was overwhelming with the arrival of a new child in our class but there was one giant good spot which really brightened my day. Today one of my old kids came back. He is almost 7...

There are 2 groups I want to join...
Remember when we tried to join a trauma group at the Women's Center last summer? I really wanted to get in... this lady even had to INTERVIEW me... I lost it in the parking lot beforehand. It was so scary...

High Pain Tolerance: inherited or dissociated?
Whenever I go to the chiropractor to try to deal with this back pain I've had for years (its pretty bad sometimes), they have this REALLY cool... machine thing... I'm not sure what it is called. It has some electrodes...

crismas
this be mae well you no i did be so woreed that i wudnt get a presint . becos i did be bad befor and di mess up. i dint get ene presintd from santa. but my big sister her...

Handling alters who dont get along
Its such a fight every week. We are always fighting over who gets to do what and when. Everyone has their own things they like to do. Like Caroline likes to read books about children all the time or look...

New Years Goals
Well I'm completely exhausted and worn out, which can only mean one thing... tomorrow I go back to work. One of these days, my "vacations" are truly going to be vacations. I haven't had a day off yet on this...

My year in review
The Year in Review So here we are sitting up on New Year’s Eve working on …well, work…trying to catch up on things since we were gone all of vacation. Do we know how to party or what? Sitting here...

Coming home...from home.-- A ramble.
I've been gone for over a week. Out of town, visiting family. There are a lot of miles between us now. When I left home, out of necessity and fear for my life (ex boyfriend stalking me), that was the...

the comfort of a weighted blanket
Two of the other things that Pilgrim deals with (herself, not necessarily all of us) are Asperger's Syndrome and Sensory Integration issues. Information on Aspergers: http://www.udel.edu/bkirby/asperger/ Information on Sensory Integration: http://sinetwork.org/faq/index.html#whatisspd One of the problems that several of us inside...

holiday stress DID style
Things are worse. Depression is worse and not sleeping and flashbacks are going on all the time. Mae wishes she was dead and didn't get to talk to our therapist last night and she went in upset,didn't get to talk,...

Not doing so great
Been worrying constantly so we always have a bad stomach ache and always nauseous. Having nightmares about ex-boyfriend every night and all the abuse he did and all the bad things he said and did. About how we kept saying...

Lonely
We're so lonely. Its amazing that with a dozen people inside, you can still be lonely. We need outside people around. Missing old friends. http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a107/EveryoneInside/dream.jpg...

i dont have the words
words-- they're too hard to find. lonely scared worried need to run need to cut have to run away trapped I feel like a caged animal. I've been home sick all week. Its the flu or something. But I...

Sponsor a soldier
We may not have much, but we can give away what we do have. Its so fun to send people presents. Here is the link for the Treats for Troops program-- Please be a part of it! Treats for Troops...

I can't believe I did that.
It was just like a year or 2 ago that everyone started calling me jo. they wanted me to just choose a name. because i just called myself nobody. T didnt want everyone just calling me nobody, and she didn't...

This is how I feel today (photo link)
We've been busy making art projects lately... this is how I feel today... http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a107/EveryoneInside/longtime.jpg...

A simple trip to the store
Usually I don't go out at night. We live in a big city, there is a lot of traffic, and the inside kids are scared of the dark. But tonight I needed to go to the store to buy some...

Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving was difficult. We went to see my husband's family. They are really nice people. I like really nice people. I wanted to sit and talk with them. I wanted to sit and chat and have turkey and just sit...

Leaving the Dark Side
Well, the kids have been watching the Star Wars Marathon on a couple of the cable channels for about a week and a half now, so nearly everything going on in our life has had some sort of Star Wars...

Sad Hearts
We have really sad hearts around here the past couple days. Its hard to talk about. We just want to be back at home with our sister. And be there with her. We just want to be there. Things are...

I want to join the witness protection program
Just FYI, i am going to join the witness protection program. YOU HAVE NOT SEEN ME. Got it? its jo. Tuesday was a hard session-- not bad, but hard. My therapist said I worked hard.But afterwards in the parking lot...

Health Insurance just sucks.
I am so incredibly frustrated and depressed. It feels like I had a big pile of rocks dropped on my head tonight once again. A few weeks ago I let people who care about me finally convince me that I...

The Joyful Heart Foundation
One of my favorite tv shows is Law & Order:Special Victims Unit. And Olivia is our favorite character on the show. The person who plays Olivia, Mariska Hargitay, is the president and founder of The Joyful Heart Foundation. Its a...

We made it through October
We're so happy that its November. Just surviving October, which is ALWAYS the worst month of the year for me, is reason for celebration. Waking up on November 1st always calls for a "Happy November!" song. However, this year, we...

Changing inside
It feels like the inside of us is dizzy. I dont know how to explain it but things feel different inside, not just... emotions but also physical. The past week or so has been ...confusing. Trying to look back and...

switching around inside
things are switching around inside we have been sick, and have had a high fever. the kind where you can't get comfortable and have strange dreams, and funny things happen while you're away because your brain is too hot. it...

Mental Health Day... sort of
We took today off of work. Partly because 1)I think I've got the flu, or else its a really bad cold and I'm all overly medicated and 2)its a sad anniversary day today today so yesterday I could barely function...

Overwhelmed and about to lose my minds.
I'm so overhwlmed the past couple of weeks and it keeps getting worse. My dog is sick and at the vets, my husband needs surgery, our bills are piling up. My paycheck went down this year, because the government must...

My family
I'm being reminded in a major way why I had to move away from my family. Its because they drive me INSANE. There is no communication in my family. They are always busy and I am always left out. Its...

Comfort Food
Right now i just have to stay away from everything including myself. I'm going through something really hard at home but I dont have anyone to talk to and i need to talk to someone so bad. I have a...

The others feel like I'm a traitor
This is Caroline. I have been pronounced a traitor by the rest of the girls inside. Remember the "best friend" who suddenly out of nowhere disappeared a couple years ago? The one who scared us half to deal because we...

Emotional upheaval
I am going crazy . I got barely any sleep last night . I couldn't shut my brain off when I woke up in the middle of the night-- too much talking in my head. So when it was...

I knew I had that one coming....
On Monday I went to see my dietician. She is really great. But she's been wanting us to keep track of EVERY single thing we eat for the past week and write it down. This is our 2nd attempt at...

Being pro-active about this fall & its usual troubles
Its well-known (unfortunately) that fall is a hard time for us. October is the usual downfall. All summer, and into September, everyone is doing ok. Then October 1st hits, with its anniversary of the 1st date, and things quickly plummet...

How do I believe that it wasn't my fault?
this is just jo. i went to therapy tonight after mae had a chance to talk. i dont know what is wrong with me. Been in therapy for 6 years and she's tried every angle she can think of. I...

DID adventure at the dietician
This morning I went to see my nutritionist. I love her. She weighed me though-- I have lost more weight. She isn't exactly thrilled with me. I did an ok job recording in my food logs, but she says that...

YouTube video on multiple personalities
YouTube seems to be one of the biggest crazes lately, and I spend a lot of time zoning out to various videos there when I need to just relax. They have a bunch of rather stupid videos that they say...

Bad memories floating away in a balloon
Therapy has been intense lately. Tonight I came home and I'm exhausted. Mae tried to take our T some new crayons that she bought her but they melted in the car :( But they did open the box in therapy...

Went out to lunch, and a good therapy session last week.
Today we went out to lunch with a couple of friends. Ate a sandwich and and a soda. Chatted some and even laughed. Mostly talked about work, which is a safe area. But the good thing was, it was for...

The government must hate teachers
For months now, my state has been building up hype about giving teachers a terrific pay raise. We've heard about it on the news and in the papers, and talk has been going around my school district and in the...

Organizing my thoughts
I havent written in a little over a week. It isn't that I dont have anything to say. I have way too many things to say. Its just that I can't organize my thoughts. Too many things going on inside....

Handling September 11
Is there anyone on Earth who doesn't know that tomorrow is the 5th anniversary of the attack on the World Trade Center? Its everywhere. All weekend long on television there are programs. Its in the newspaper and in magazinesand...

Forum for people with dissociative identity disorder: update
I just wanted to let readers know that I have updated A Mind's Journey, our online community for people with dissociative disorders. Recently we've added some new forums, such as a place for members to share their story with other...

Videos for your inner child on YouTube
We have been spending hours on Youtube.com watching videos of animals to give the kids something to do whenever the grown ups are trying to relax and take a break from work. Here are some really good ones! Kittens: Guinea...

Identity-- how do you know who you are?
The past couple of weeks in therapy, my therapist has been talking about how she doesn't know very much about me. Me--Pilgrim,me. The supposedly "core" person, the original. She was saying how it seems like everyone else-- Mae, Jo, Caroline,...

Its too hard to do on my own
dammit, forget it. i dont want to see any of my words up.yes, everyone, i left your comments....

My nervous breakdown starts NOW
Hi everyone this is Caroline. I'm sorry we haven't had much time to update our journals the past few weeks. We've been back to work for around 3-4 weeks, and since I'm mentoring some new teachers and on some committees...

Worrying what people think of me
I got made fun of today. It really shouldn't bother me. I'm trying not to let it. Trying to keep it in perspective. But knowing myself, I'm going to stew over it for a while and let it hurt my...

Ode to Back to School Insanity, by Caroline
Oh how I wish I could make my paperwork just go Away. Oh how I wish IEP's would come again some other day. Lesson plans need to disappear. What I need is a listening ear. Fifteen hours of work a...

Donations for Classrooms & Teachers
Now that school is starting again around the country I wanted to once again tell everyone about a website called donorschoose.org where teachers can register their classrooms. Its at this site where you can list things that you need for...

Group therapy for DID
Sometimes I wonder why I even go to group. i ran out again. slammed the door, and ran out. i am such a stupid fat disaster of an idiot. it wasn't me that went. it was Caroline. It started off...

Trying to make friends and having DID
Tomorrow is the 1st day of school and I'm trying to make some new friends this year. So far it has been going ok. We have a few new teachers at my school, and they are very nice. I'm supposed...

Saying No and avoiding over-commitment
Well we are back to work this week and things have been busy, hectic, and overwhelming. Things are going well though. I actually said no to something tonight. A lady called wanting me to be the building rep. for our...

A normal thought in my head for the 1st time!
I have been self-injuring since I was about 8 years old in 1 way or another. Its never bothered me. It makes me feel better, and I look forward to it-- I see it as a comfort. Cutting, seeing blood,...

A weight crisis, eating disorder help
My treatment team didnt want me to know my weight. I KNOW I SHOULDNT KNOW MY WEIGHT. NOT ready to hear it. NO NO NO. Yesterday I went to a new doctor. His nurse put me on the scale-- I...

Sybil (30th Anniversary Two-Disc Special Edition)
Cool news if you like this movie-- the Sybil (30th Anniversary Two-Disc Special Edition)- is now available at Amazon.com Click here to get it! Since its a new DVD, it has some extra features on it....

Let me try to update
I'll try to update everyone a little. Its challenging because my mind is running slowly from exhaustion. I also can't pay attention to myself or my own thoughts! On Wednesday I have an appointment with my therapist and my...

I am home
I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm home. I'm exhausted right now, but I'm back. I will write more later....

Off on an adventure.
I am going to go off on an adventure for a week. So I won't be writing here for several days. I just didn't want anyone to think I fell off the face of the Earth. I'll be back on...

Being more present in my own life- pros and cons
My therapist wanted me to write a list of pros and cons of being more present in my life and in my therapy sessions. Instead of me disappearing all the time...instead of losing time all the time and never knowing...

making myself crazy
I think I am making my own self crazy right now. I'm trying hard to calm down my body and my mind so I can get to sleep. I'm scared to go see my T tomorrow. I desperately need to...

I can't sleep.... inside my head.
Maybe its because my dosage of Wellbutrin XL just got upped to 450 mg the 2 days ago, or maybe its because of all the really hard stuff that happened last week at the tail end of therapy that left...

Marriage and relationship advice for Multiples
I found this article online tonight: http://www.keeperskorner.com/articles_SignificantOthers.shtml#MarriageForMultiples by John Whitmore, at a website called "Keepers Korner", I believe it's called. Its a good site with some excellent things to say. If you love someone who's a multiple...please read the article...

really screwed up
She cant handle news that one of the kids told her today. In therapy. There was only 10 minutes left. She got left hanging. Therapist said she was sure she could handle it. She said she knew she couldn't. Guess...

Childhood flashbacks
This is so strange. I have been thinking about it a while, i just havent written it down or talked about it. I remember being in 1st and 2nd grade, and having flashbacks,especially in school. A certain smell of food...

panic attacks and losing time
Mae has been having panic attacks every day and every night the past couple of weeks. Its kept us awake at night and kept my heart beating fast during the day. I think I may have finally partly figured out...

On "multiple personality disorder is fake"
Someone on TV just mentioned about some murderer got diagnosed with multiple personality disorder to try to get out of committing a crime. Because “he didn’t do it.” OH MY GOD. That‘s a pathetic excuse. I hate it when people...

Independence and Interdependence
Independence is not something that comes easily around here. Its more like we have to have interdependence [n : a reciprocal relation between interdependent entities (objects or individuals or groups).] But that is SO not what we all want. We...

Some thoughts on Integration
I just finished reading a book called The Magic Daughter,a true about a woman with DID who integrates near the end. (Its an excellent book, by the way-- highly recommend it.) It had me thinking last night about integration. When...

dissension in the ranks
For some reason this week, emotions are running high inside. Don’t know why. We are crashing into each other, with memories crashing into each other. Words crashing into each other. Ever since on Monday when Mae asked our therapist about...

Two Year Anniversary-- DID support website
Today's the 2 year anniversary of our website, A Mind's Journey. It seems so strange that 2 years have passed since we started it with another friend. That friend has, along with nearly all the others, disappeared. Thankfully my friend...

On Friends and DID and everything
Sometimes I’m so lonely and feeling so bad about everything that it feels like I can’t take 1 more minute of it. And yet I know I’ve got days, and months…and YEARS of it left to deal with. My...

I've been tagged
I've been tagged by a meme. I like getting these. Here is mine filled in for today: Four jobs I have had in my life: 1.teacher 2.babysitter 3.office helper 4.ice cream scooper Four movies I would watch over and over:...

Wow, actual insight: not bad, just different
Therapy was really helpful today. It was so good to get to talk to my therapist after being on vacation for so long. Mae must have talked to her first although I'm not sure what about. It could have been...

But I dont remember. DID and memories.
the other night, my sister and I were watching old home movies (we video taped ourselves doing everything)-- there were some I haven’t seen since we did them back in the early 1990’s… it was so strange to see...

Real Places
I'm still on vacation with my family.I just got off the phone with my husband. It was so nice to hear my husband's voice. There are a lot of memories here still haunting me. Last night I slept in my...

update from jo
My therapist sent me an email and says that she agrees with the decision to not go be in that group right now. That was really hard to hear. I was afraid she would be mad though. But she said...

I didn't make it :(
I got a phone call tonight... I didn't make it into the trauma group that I got interviewed for last Friday. They think it isn't the right time or something . "Maybe" next time, in 6 months (right in the...

I hereby resign
I, Pilgrim, hereby resign as the "out front" person. * I GIVE UP. As of NOW. I officially cannot do anything right and I'm sick of it. Oh and by the way, showing feelings SUCKS. I've always wanted to try...

The world coming to an end
Panic attacks are back again the past several days. Its been years since this was a regular problem. We used to take Ativan for them. The last time we had to take that was probably 5 years ago. Right now...

Words I needed to hear today
I receive a lot of comments on this website. Nearly 600 so far are logged. There are some that really just make my day... especially those that come from regular readers. There are some of you who respond to our...

Getting ready for a trip home
In a few days I'll be heading south to visit my family. I'm trying to get prepared. Not only packing my suitcase but getting things inside my head ready too. The hardest part-- well, there are 3 hardest parts. 1)...

Assessment update
This has been a really bad afternoon. I had a panic attack in the parking lot before the group assessment and froze up. Completely spaced out. I barely remember the assessment. Jo mostly talked. I cant remember much. I know...

Trauma group therapy assessment tomorrow
There is this group at the Womens Center that my therapist has wanted me to join, well they finally got ahold of me today, the group starts June 20th and runs for 6 weeks. But they want me to come...

Memorial Day
In the middle of your picnics and your retail sales, please remember... they gave up their lives so we could live free. [Click on the link] Download file...

The Effects of loneliness
Loneliness can raise your blood pressure, make you sick, lead to sleepless nights, and even make your life shorter. I don't actually have any friends. Not in real life. My sister is my friend, but we live on different sides...

Massages and boundaries
There is a lady who has become quiet a nice addition to my life. She is an older lady who works at one of the spas here in the city. I've come to think of her as "my masseuse". Now...

fighting off a total meltdown
Still very, very overwhelmed. The school year SO.NEEDS.TO.BE.OVER!!! my body has been shaking today from all the stress i'm under and then today someone needed MORE work from me and then i needed to stay later at work also. and...

Its a crazy life here
One more week of school and then maybe I will start feeling like a human being again. Everything has been absolutely insane all week. I go in early, stay late, and work through lunch to try to get tons of...

Mothers Day
this just is not the best of days, no one here handles it very good i guess not even Caroline.stirs up too many memories. Mae gets so sad too even when she remembers when there were nice times when she...

pulled in too many directions
*Beware* I'm exhausted and whiney today.... Everyone is driving me crazy and i hate it. Its too much pressure and it just makes things more crazy inside and I just want to disappear inside and not come out. People inside...

I've been tagged--- a little about me.
I AM .... alone. a child. a teacher. a wanderer. a worrier. a soldier. an artist. a writer. a loner. I WANT....comfort. a kitten. a baby. a hug from my therapist. I WISH.... for peace. for everyone to have love,...

Change of e-mail for Pilgrim/ Myspace.com
If you have been e-mailing me personal comments, please make sure you have my new e-mail address. Click on the link to the right where it says "Email me" and that will take you to my new address. I also...

Its that time of year
I am overwhelmed. Trying to finish up the school year. We have 3 weeks left and then it's summer. Right now I've got a stack of paperwork on my desk that keeps growing instead of shrinking, no matter how much...

I am worried sick, and chaos inside
I have so much chaos in my head right now. And I'm worrying myself sick. All day I've been pacing and I barely got any sleep last night. Cant calm down. Keep trying to take deep breaths but its difficult....

In limbo
It feels like time is standing still. Everything... has just come to a stop. At least in my world. And if its this hard for me, I can't imagine what its like for my sister. She is going to the...

Adopt-A-Classroom and OPRAH Magazine
Caroline wants to put a plug in here about a program we read about in OPRAH magazine this week. There is a program found at JNYINTHECLASSROOM.ORG that has programs such as Adopt a Classroom. You can sponsor classrooms there and...

a volcano about to erupt
thats what it feels like inside\ cant talk about the flashbacks, nightmares with our therapist until who knows when. until she makes some random decision that we're "safe enough " to theres too much going on and inside its just...

Its been 1 year since inpatient
OH my gosh... I just realized tonight that it has been one year since I signed myself into the hospital. I just went and checked earlier dates on my journal here. I am not sure what to think. I'm afraid...

There's no bad guy here
this is jo. today we went to therapy.i had a lot i needed to talk about but I didn't talk at all. but i was listening. my therapist said something about she kind of does get mad when we're pushing...

Clarification on my last post re: inpatient treatment
When I was talking about the cost of inpatient care ($44,000 freaken bucks) at the place with the best treatment---- -I was talking about the place that I feel would be the best place FOR ME. The place where I...

Cost of Inpatient Treatment
Since my therapist is so intent that I need to be in a treatment center, on a whim I e-mailed a few places in various places around the United States to ask about treatment costs, whether they take insurance (which...

get me out of here.
*warning* i feel trapped. i am about to pull my hair out. i am trying so hard not to scream. i need sleep. desperately. i want to slice my arms up until there is no skin left. i want to...

They say its all psychsomatic. Maybe I'm just psycho.
Today I cried so hard on the way to work that I made myself sick. Not throwing up sick, I just felt like it though. I must have been getting sick anyway and crying so hard just pushed me over...

Violent dreams and screwing up again and building up inside
Guess what we did this time? Not only can I not do things good enough for 1)my family 2)my job 3)my therapist and 4)my husband, I've gone and screwed up MORE. Mae and I have both been having really violent...

i be so sad
i did get to say somthing to my T today but i still dont be going to talk to her i did get to say i miss h er her say we got to be good a long long time...

Peeps Research
I am a big Peeps fan. Yes, in the spirit of Easter and in the Celebration of our Risen Lord... lets not forget to down a few boxes of pink, yellow, and blue marshmallow fluff!!! This site is too good...

Do's and Don’ts for Singleton Friends of Multiples:
I found this online tonight at AbuseConsultants.com, and it resonated so much with me that I just HAD to post it. These are just a few off the list, the ones I felt are really important to me. The rest...

Looks good on the outside.
Its almost Easter and this is supposed to be a time of celebration and Spring and new life. But all I seem to be able to feel right now is hopelessness. Maybe its just being tired. Maybe its just because...

This totally wasn't fair.
Today at therapy was completely not fair. I know she thinks she doing the right thing but it isn't. But who's going to listen to me? I'm just a "Fragment" and not a real person. I heard that word come...

Dream World of dissociation
Between feeling extremely unsafe, too much pressure in my head from a never-ending sinus infection, Mae being upset, and being exhausted, I cannot stop dissociating today. Even when I try to. I keep dissociating. I feel like I'm in a...

i wish I was good
this just is mae. i be haveing a bad nite we did get in trorbol and i been hiding in my room i dont like it when pepol say bad words he say the same thing daddy wuld yell at...

Loving your Inner Child.... well, its a start!
It used to be that I couldn't STAND any of the others who share my body with me. ESPECIALLY Mae, the 5 year old. She was just my "inner child" out of control, I thought. I used to just wish...

Working together in therapy today
Therapy was much better today. Everyone who wanted to talk to our T, got to talk. We took turns and worked together. Mae, Pilgrim, and Jo all got to talk to our therapist, and the switching all blended together much...

Selling my life away on Ebay
In order to keep up with all the bills that come in, in between therapy, cardiologists, dentists (to repair a broken tooth ...... in a long story kept short, it was basically all because of my eating disorder and dissociation),...

Just DO it.
I barely know where to start with an update for this week. My life is always an adventure. I'm sitting here after a pretty lousy day and trying to find an upside to it (it's over with! things could have...

Meal plan and losing my mind
Well THAT didn't go well. I love my nutritionist. I've been seeing her for years. We usually joke around and laugh a lot and look at pictures and stuff. My T used to work in the same office suite...

People are from Mars, I'm from another Galaxy
Today I feel like I must be from not just a different planet, but an entirely different Galaxy. I can't relate to anyone. I am so far away from everyone else. So. My therapist wants me to come up with...

Inpatient, Inpatient, Inpatient, and major frustration
All my therapist seems to want to talk about is getting me into a treatment center. All I want to talk about is staying OUT of one. We are definitely at odds. I need to talk about a lot of...

So much for a happy welcome back. ALL MY FAULT.
My therapist came back today from vacation and I was really hoping it would be a good session. The past few days Mae and the kids were so excited and I prayed that today would go by fast so we...

Treatment Centers for DID/MPD
I have been doing research online for treatment centers for DID/MPD. There is one site that has a comprehensive list on it: Try this link . I don't know how updated the list is-- it is at least a couple...

Flashbacks, Nightmares, My Skin is on Fire
I haven't had as many nightmares lately. Its been a little easier to sleep since I've been so tired out. But last night made up for everything. I had this terrible nightmare last night that my dad raped me. It...

Books on Multiple Personality Disorder/ Books on DID
It can be hard to find good books on Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD) ...also known nowadays as Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). I have found a great site online that has a very long list of books on MPD/DID and it...

My therapist is on vacation
Spring Break is upon us (not for me yet) and so a lot of therapists are heading off on much-needed vacations. Mine is gone this week also. Its always hard when she's gone. I handle it a LOT better than...

DID diagnosis in children
I found some really interesting information tonight on DID/MPD diagnosis in children tonight and just wanted to share it. It is from http://www.empty-memories.nl/article.html What was so interesting to me, personally, was that I could have been diagnosed in KINDERGARTEN, had...

Treatment centers for DID and eating disorders....
Well. I went to therapy today. After an extremely frustrating and challenging day at work (all ended up ok, but I didn't know that at the time I headed to therapy) so I went to therapy a big bundle of...

Not another one.
I do not even want to BELIEVE this one. JEEEESH. So, I've been having trouble with more eating disorder stuff lately. Some part the other night took over while I was journaling, this part we've all assumed is "The Fat...

A night that changed me forever
I hope we have time to talk about this in therapy today. I woke up crying this morning from a dream about an old friend. She died in a car accident right after high school graduation. The accident was her...

SYBIL movie
Here are a couple of links to updates on the famous "Sybil" movie starring Sally Field that came out in the 1970s... there is going to be a DVD version released this year, and also, CBS is working on a...

SYBIL movie
Here are a couple of links to updates on the famous "Sybil" movie starring Sally Field that came out in the 1970s... there is going to be a DVD version released this year, and also, CBS is working on a...

Things to do in the middle of the night when you're not tired...
1. Refresh the message boards I post on every 10 seconds, to see if anyone has posted anything new & exciting, or at least dramatic that I could read and reply to (they haven't-- its the middle of the night--...

Bravery,my stress test, and friends.
Today I was really brave. I went to visit old friends where I used to work. Usually I stay home and just think about visiting them, and stay busy wishing I could, but stay stuck on the couch. Today I...

Progress in therapy
I've been thinking about progress I've made since I've been in therapy, so I started making a list. Here is what I've come up with so far this morning: (It's not complete yet-- I'll add more as I think of...

Changing Core Beliefs
My therapist has been trying for years to help me change my core beliefs about myself-- the "I'm bad, I'm a horrible person, I'm worthless" thoughts that strangle me every day. We have been working really hard on that the...

a Survivor's Group
My therapist e-mailed me yesterday that she wants me to join a couple of groups at this Womens Center in our city. I called today during my break and talked to someone there. It was kind of hard. She wanted...

Just a very frustrating day.
I was really looking forward to therapy today. Last week went so well. And I worked really, really hard on the homework I had for this week. We were working on mindfulness, and core beliefs that I have, and a...

Yet another website on multiple personalities!
Yes, another one, but this one is different-- its ours, and its been updated today. That makes it different than the other billion personal DID websites out there. Keep in mind, its not much, and its a work in progress....

Mindfulness
One of the things that was in my homework for this week for therapy was to learn about the concept of Mindfulness. I did a lot of reading on it today and found it really helpful. I printed out about...


Feeling really switchy tonight. All day. The past several hours its been a fight between me and someone else to see who gets to do what they want. I need someone to talk to so badly and I'm so lonely,...

Books on Multiple Personalities
Here is a link to books on Multiple Personalities at Amazon.com. Books on Multiple Personalities I have read quite a handful of them, and most of them are good. A few are real klunkers, but most are good attempts at...

How to treat someone with multiple personalities
Someone posted a comment today about how to approach someone they think is a multiple and how they can make it safe for their friend to talk to them. So I'm going to post some ideas and suggestions that some...

Good news, We're Normal!
Good news tonight from therapy, our T was looking through Pilgrim's & our collages and stuff and said we're normal, hurray! Have no idea what she meant by it but if the word "normal" comes out of a therapist's mouth......

Positives about everyone inside
We saw on someone’s website… they were describing all their inside people. In POSITIVE, nice ways. That’s an odd idea. We have been too wrapped up in talking about each other like our families talk about each other-- negative. And...

the Patience of Job
In the job I have, I need a lot of patience. Oftentimes on the way to work, I pray for patience because I work with young children who take years and years to learn simple concepts that most kids pick...

Being recognized by someone I dont know
I had such an odd experience the other day. It hasn't happened in quite a few years, and I guess that's why it threw me off. One of those things-that-happen-to-multiples-but-lets-pretend-won't-happen-to-me-anymore things. A lady came up to me the other day...

the death of a child
There is something so wrong when a child dies. The world just turns upside down. A small life cut short in a few breaths. It isnt fair. Its something you can't fix no matter how hard you try. There are...

Simon Birch
Therapy is too confusing and too hard right now. It just occurred to me that I'm not even sure if I WENT to therapy last night. I am pretty sure that jo went. But then again, I dont remember at...

People use 10% of their brains>
There's so much inside my head that it doesn't all fit. Doesn't fit inside my head, doesn't fit inside my body. Everyone inside has their own thoughts and their own memories, but it all has to fit inside one...

Therapy and home: a paradox
The skills I'm learning in therapy make me feel so much better. I'm learning to speak up, to use my voice, to think for myself, to set boundaries. It makes me feel like I get to be myself. Even at...

Self-destruction after therapy
This is just me jo. Sorry if this doesn’t make sense in some parts, my head is hurting a lot from things going on inside. I feel like I’m back in my fog. I want to cut so bad and...

Escaping and sleep
I slept away the entire weekend! Ah, the joy of being so out of it that I dont know a thing that's going on.This is Pilgrim. I couldn't really say much about what's gone on this whole weekend,except that I've...

Bottled up feelings, making eye contact
I'm carrying a lot of bottled of feelings again. I want to get them out, but even when I'm talking to my therapist (the only person in the world I have to talk to), I can't really let myself talk....

Helping traumatized children
Helping children who have been through rough times is part of my job. And I'm pretty good at it. But I dont know why we just can't seem to help Mae. For the past 2 weeks or so, Mae has...

Denial
It ISNT denial when I tell T that those bad things didnt happen to me!!! they just happened to my body! NOT ME! My body is NOT ME. Why does she says thats denial? It bugs me so much when...

Questions about DID
Someone recently asked some really good questions about DID on my website, and I'd like to share my answers here as well. I thought they were excellent,respectful questions about DID. The answers are only from MY knowledge and experience,on research...

My biological clock is ticking hard....
I wish I could be a mom. My sister is pregnant right now, and there are times when I get jealous of her. I want to know what it feels like to have a baby inside me, growing-- a miracle....

The new year is off to a good start
So far things are going fairly well for 2006. I have been eating better and getting some exercise, hoping making healthy decisions. There's been a lot of switching going on though. ugh... its happening again right now--- my head is...

Online Personality Disorder Test
I took this online test for personality disorders tonight. Here is the address if you want to take it yourself: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv Disorder | Rating Paranoid: Low Schizoid: Moderate Schizotypal: High Antisocial: Low Borderline: Moderate Histrionic: Low Narcissistic: Low Avoidant: High...

Making plans for the New Year & the Emancipation Proclamation
We've come to some realizations as we make plans to usher in 2006. Some of which my therapist has challenged us to ponder and write down and study as the new year comes in. It sounds and feels unbelievable, but...

Merry Christmas!!
I am having a great Christmas today. We got WONDERFUL presents. Every year we do. Mae got some dolls and she is SO happy. Christmas is so much fun to open presents, but its the most fun to watch people...

On vacation
Right now I'm out in the Northwest on vacation with my family. That's why I haven't written this week. Things are going pretty well so far. Dealing with food, old memories and old ghosts is difficult at times, but all...

D.I.D. support group
i am not going back to group anymore. i can't take it. i dont have the money for gas to drive half an hour into another city to sit there and listen to the same people talk about the same...

Christmas vacation
I made it to Christmas vacation :) Completely exhausted and I feel like I can't do anything right lately. I desperately need sleep and a good massage and a good therapy session that isn't so difficult for a change. I...

Managing willful ( stubborn!) children, and switching problems
And no, I'm not talking about the children in my class, although right now, this post could be about them as well. What I'm talking about right now is the kids inside who are frustrating us adults AND our therapist...

Losing weight, and how we all see ourselves
Some good news. I'm happy to report that I've lost a couple pounds and fit into a pair of jeans that I haven't been able to for a while. The meds I'm on make me lose my appetite. Not the...

stress causing more dissociation
This week has been difficult. There are several things at home and at work that are causing stress in addition to some new things going on inside our head. Not sleeping much either. It gets into a viscious cycle pretty...

Silence does not imply consent
this is just some artwork jo made. to see... click on the link. it might trigger a bit if you're sensitive. http://www.pixpond.com/1/1w820mn.jpg...

A quote perfect for blogs--
When you live in the shadow of insanity, the appearance of another mind that thinks and talks as yours does is something close to a blessed event. -Robert Pirsig (author of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance) Doesn't that...

Take a look at my new header!!
I designed it all by myself!! You like it? Tracy let me make my own and I get to design one for my sister also. I feel so excited to see it up there this morning!...

Dreams and Christmas wishes
I'm a grump tonight and need to get myself out of this mood. Maybe writing about some happy things will help. Today my sister asked if it would be ok if she bought Mae a Christmas present. Of COURSE its...

I hate myself
Tonight after therapy I went to my car and banged my fist against the steering wheel until it got bruised and swollen and I dissociated and made the screaming in my head stop temporarily. Today I just hate everything about...

The perfect Christmas present
Everyone is making their Christmas lists right now. Even inside kids are-- Mae wants anything that has fairies on it-- especially a fairy doll. Other kids have cut out pictures of toys out of catalogues, from soccer balls to bikes....

Yours, Mine, and Ours...
Has anyone seen the new, updated version of the old Henry Fonda/ Lucille Ball classic yet? I saw it this week with my husband, and thought it was really good. It has created a real dilemma in my mind, though......

Thanksgiving Day, Macy's Parade, Santa, and a little break
This week has been vacation, and everyone's been getting some time to do their own thing. It has been nice. A 2-hour therapy session, which went pretty well. Time to go to the park, time to play on the swings,...

Random acts of kindness for pregnant mothers
PREGNANT MOMMIES DESERVE REST AND SOME EXTRA SPECIAL CARE!! This is my rant today. They are busy helping God create a LIFE INSIDE THEIR BODY!! THIS IS A MIRACLE!! If you know someone who is pregnant, DO SOMETIHNG NICE FOR...

Wellbutrin side effects or just stressed out
I'm not sure if what's going on is a side effect of the Wellbutrin, or if I am just stressed out past my limits. For several days we've been camped out on the couch at home with severe headaches and...

Too raw, too bright, too loud, no skin on
I have always felt too uncontained Too raw too loud too little too crazy Too bright too quiet too happy too sad Too dark too creative too smart too thought-full Too fast too big too weird too inventive too bad...

New ideas to help with time management
Something occurred to me. I want something, that’s mine alone. That the others can’t take away. I want something that’s mine, that they can’t steal away like they do with Time. I always have avoided feelings. My own feelings...

Time management
As it turned out, I was the only one who showed up at group this morning. Made me a little anxious. I was sort of disappointed because I really did have things to talk about this week that I'm having...

Wellbutrin part 2 and eating disorders and Boost
I can see why Wellbutrin is contraindicated for people with eating disorders. Between the Wellbutrin and the Topamax I'm already on, I've completely last my appetite again. I can go 14 hours without eating and not even care. Its actually...

Wellbutrin XL
Well, I did it. I started seeing a new doctor (YAY!) and got on some new meds. Can I just say GOD BLESS THE MAKERS OF WELLBUTRIN XL!!!! Even after just 4 days, I'm starting to have some energy. For...

Pressure to be Perfect
Sometimes I get really frustrated, and I was wondering if anyone can relate, and if anyone has ideas on what I can do about it. I feel like everyone who knows I am a multiple(outside people-- husband, friends, therapist) expects...

Here's Hoping.... a new doctor
Tomorrow I am going to see a new psychiatrist. Please keep your fingers crossed for me. Caroline called several people the last few days, left messages. Only 1 called me back-- this guy. It was odd, because most psychiatrists have...

Co-conciousness with another part
I am trying something new. Listening to another part that I have actually been ignoring for years and years. Things have been really bad the past few weeks, and my therapist wanted both of us to do something different, because...

how to deal with overwhelming feelings in a healthy way
we know, we know, we can't keep doing things like we have been. we have to be the ones that change because we cant change anyone else. have to stop cutting. don't dare purge. its so easy to give in...

therapy sucks some days
this is jo. i dont have a lot to say. i just want someone to know i was here. our therapist worked my butt off in therapy tonight. she said she was proud of me. i'm having a hard time....

a feeling of unreality
This is such a strange day. i am so, so dissociated and i cant get grounded no matter what . I have had such a weird day.my brain is all scattered, i c ant get grounded. i tried taking a...

Finding a Psychiatrist
I need to find a new psychiatrist. My therapist and I were talking about it last night. Time to go psychiatrist shopping again. The one that we have now... she's very...[thinking of a polite word to use] professional ... but...

"I would do anything for love"
Tonight on my walk, I was thinking hard about how ever since I was about 12 years old, I have prayed really, really hard for a friend. Every night since I started to get really lonely, in the 5th or...

Gator-guzzling python comes to messy end
I am posting this article because this offers a good explaination about what it feels like inside for 2 alters to fight to be out front and take control of my body. And its also so similiar to the fight...

What if I just trusted them?
I have been wondering this weekend, what if I just let go of the belief that everything that happened was all my fault? What if I just decided to believe my therapist, my husband, and the other people who...

Starting things I can't finish
i keep starting things i can't make myself finish. i try to write e mails to people i used to talk to. people that are caroline's or pilgrim's friends. then i realize, why would they want to hear from me?...

How do I forgive myself?
Tonight in a 2 hour session, my therapist pushed me really hard. Talking about October and why its so hard... I went in there already close to shutting down. I'm always so quiet and can't make eye contact anyway. She...

Music brings on memories
Tonight my heart is in so much pain I can barely take it. I want to cut so much. I am having a really hard time. My cat died last month. We had to put her down. She was very...

Egg Projectile Therapy
For those of you who aren't familiar with EPT..... This was inspiredby an idea my therapist and I had in 2000 as a way to release frustrations and anger . What you do is, get a flat of eggs, or...

Going back to the scene of the crime
This night. This is when everything changed. This evening, this time of night. This is what Pilgrim wrote somewhere else: 2 or 3 summers ago, I went back to where...to where he took me that night. It was...surreal. Painful. It...

month of october
let me preface this by saying i KNOW this is dumb and it doesnt make sense and its not logical and I KNOW it isn't 19__ anymore and for heavens sake it isn't even OCTOBER yet, October doesn't start til...

Hide and Seek
I want to hide away. Just for the month of October. Its coming. The worst time of year for me. And its coming up so fast. Its so strange how it happens. Its like all the pressure just builds up...

Having D.I.D. is not a game...it is not fun... it SUCKS.
There's a rumor going around somewhere about me. Its nothing even all that bad, per se. I just wish it wasn't going around. People need to mind there own business. But it just emphasizes in my mind how much I...

A dream from an alter's perspective?
I had the strangest dream the other night. I was one of the inside people, actually inside the forest. You know like in that internal landscape that is inside that I have talked about before. Where everyone stays inside when...

School life
Last night we had a bomb dropped on us at work. Let me tell you, if you ever have an administrator start a staff meeting with "I have some bad news to tell you," RUN SCREAMING FROM THE ROOM. Don't...

Where do I find someone to talk to?
Where DO I find someone to talk to ? I am so frustrated with this all of the time. My therapist is wonderful but given that she has a full schedule and a family of her own, she's got 2...

I want to get a cat
I want to help the hurricane victims some more... I am trying to find a way to adopt a cat that has been displaced, someone that needs a home. My cat died a little while ago... and I miss having...

Therapy cancelled and complications
No therapy this week. Something came up in my therapist's family and she won't be in. already i feel worse. that means no outlet this week. appointment to appointment goes by so slow already. i am already so lonely with...

Getting Organized
I am trying to make a list of things that I need to do every day so I don't forget. With so much switching going on and just zoning out... its hard to remember what I do every day, hard...

Online support for Dissociative Disorders and DID
It has been a while since I advertised my online bulletin board for DID so I thought I would re-post the address. A couple of years ago, a friend and I were frustrated because we couldn't find somewhere online where...

I need a professional organizer!!
I need someone to help me get organized!! Like I see on those home makeover shows where someone's office or house is a complete mess, and this professional organizer person comes in, assesses the mess, and brings in all their...

losing time
I thought I was doing better at this, but apparently I am still losing time. It has happened several times just in the past week and again tonight. I was just in another room "for a few minutes" tonight and...

Follow the Yellow brick road.
I am not even sure what to title this post. It feels so strange to be in the place we currently are. For years my therapist has been trying to get us to work together inside. It has been...

Hurricane Katrina donations for animals
One of our biggest concerns is taking care of the animals who are also victims of Hurricane Katrina. Here are a couple websites where people are taking donations to help the animal victims: http://www.noahswish.com/ http://www.aspca.org/site/PageServer Today we cleaned out our...

The Pettiness of my "high gas prices" post.
In a comment, someone criticized me for the pettiness of me complaining about gas prices when there are people out there suffering through the hurricane disaster in my post from yesterday. I absolutely agree. I didn't realize it yesterday. But...

Helping the victims of Hurricane Katrina
At my school things are getting underway to help the victims of hurricane Katrina. I have been feeling so helpless. So I'm glad that there are finally some things I feel like I can do. We're having a penny drive,...

I just have too many things to do. I need some peace and quiet.
AND, OH MY GOSH, Caroline has us signed up for ANOTHER committee!! This time it’s the campus improvement committee, like this nature thing, where we’re going to be planting trees and flowers and putting in new equipment and doing...

Gas Prices are too damn high
Since gas prices have gone up about 50 cents in the past 24 hours, I am hanging on to every drop of gas that's already in my car, and I'm already down to half a tank. I'm not going to...

Godzilla Boy attacks again!
ha ha this is tuck but sometimes i call me GODZILLA BOY.Because i attack the ants and other bad guys on the side walks and smash them. guess what i did today. i sneakt in at school. the teachers werent...

left out
I dont even understand why I feel this way, but I feel left out. Left out of the online communities I belong to, left out of my family, left out of the world, left out at my job somehow too...

Trying to handle triggers a little better, but....
The craft store today. I think I’m going to need to stay out of craft stores for a while. They have their fall and Halloween decorations out and its just not good. I had to run into a craft store...

A different kind of family and a different kind of result?
This week I find myself reminiscing. A special child in my life is going off to college. Jenny. I was practically still a kid myself when she was born. So it isn’t that I feel old or anything. But it...

We saw Fall & Halloween decorations today
For some reason, October is a huge trigger for us. I know of a few "bad things" that happened in Octobers of the past, but I dont know, they just dont seem to explain the wild downfall that happens every...

Mondays and relationships and Inside Kids feeling trapped
Wow, I am so glad that another Monday is over with! I like Mondays-- I really do. I love my job so much that I actually enjoy being at school. Right now though since its the beginning of the school...

I did it! Like a normal person for once!
Last night I made it through dinner like a normal person!! I am so amazed. I ate, I didn't switch and rely on any inside people to handle the dinner and conversation for me, I stayed present the whole time...

Information Overload, no Caroline, and dinner with a new friend
I am going through information overload right now!!! It is always like this at the beginning of every school year, for the first few weeks. This year it is a little harder, for several reasons that I can't really go...

Basic Needs
I'm supposed to go to my eating disorder support group tomorrow night. Supposed to be there every other week (it alternates with therapy). I just dont think I'm going to make it. Right now, with school being so busy, so...

Internal Landscapes
I said that I would write about Internal Landscapes the next time I wrote, so that's what I'm going to talk about today. First can I say "I AM EXHAUSTED"!! I am so stressed out, my husband is stressed out....

Session coming up tomorrow
Tomorrow we have a 2 hour session scheduled with my therapist. I wish It would hurry up and get here. Hopefully I'll be brave enough to bring up what we need to talk about, which my T mentioned briefly last...

Trying to get myself together, and the perfect computer for DID people-- dual processor!
Its finally the weekend, and after an insane week, I'm trying to pull myself together. Not altogether successfully as it turns out, but, a little better than I have been. Things have been so extremely disorganized. Not only in my...

I wish I Had a place to be myself(ves)
I have a forum that I made for people with dissociative disorders. I'm the administrator there so I feel like my role is to be the supporter of everyone else. Probably I could lean on others a little, because the...

Why words
words are hard to find. i need to reach out. should. know that. but, they dont come all the way to the surface. no one to listen, really. if a tree falls in the forest and theres no one to...

just want someone....
we just want someone to play with. kids....

Make that a double
There are 2. New inside people. We looked up names. Kaden, means fighter. Trista means sorrow or sad. misty, caroline, shut up. just dong what i need to, to get by. they have no idea. whats going on. cant explain....

A new one again?
She is trying to think of a name that fits her but so far likes LoriAnne the best. We thought that you didnt develop new alters as an adult. Yet here she is. Isn't that against the rules or something?...

mind is splitting again
right now i feel like i cant take anymore. everyone inside, even the "up" people, are down. Thoughts of cutting and purging, feeling like we "NEED" to, are very strong. aching inside and outside and way overtired. one of my...

I will NOT get overwhelmed this year
Every year when school starts I get overloaded and overwhelmed. I'm determined to not let that happen this year. I'm determined to find and maintain some balance. I hope I can pull it off for once. This year I am...

back to school!
this is NOT RIGHT!! it says tomorow is back to school time this is not right!!! we did not do everthing yet!!!! we still got to go to a aligator farm and have a backyard circus and ride a dolphin...

where do kids go? i dont understand
i dont understand. where do kids go when the person grows up? if they dont get left behind liek me? where do they go inside? do there big person swallow them up? i dont no where my litle sister went...

Back to therapy today, hooray!
My therapist is supposed to be back from vacation now, and I'm so relieved. Its hard for me when she goes off on vacation. She certainly needs it and deserves it though, thats for sure! Today we are meeting at...

The Kids are about to stage a coup
ARGHHH.... the inside kids are about to stage a coup... and I dont really blame them. All summer long I've had to rest and be really careful of what I do because my health hasn't been too great. Well now,...

a real trip inside Pilgrim's head
My sister thinks it would be a good idea for me to post some entries of what it REALLY sounds like inside my head. So I'm going to start doing that, posting *uncensored* journal entries here. That ought to be...

the frustration of a doctor visit & different selves
I had a checkup recently. It didn't go as well as I hoped. With a history of an eating disorder, my body isn't in as good of shape as I would like, even though I've been trying to eat better,...

DID Support group helps, and trying to drive safely
This morning I went to the DID support group in my county again. Its held twice a month, but I wish it was held more often. I had stopped going altogether for about a year because I was just in...

Moving again
Things are going better this week. Last week, things were so hard that we could barely breathe or sleep. But this week, things are going so much better. Its been a little difficult though because my therapist is moving to...

Decision
Today I did something for which I'm actually kind of proud of myself. Something I've been wanting to do for a long time, contemplated, fumbled around about, put off, wondered about "what would it be like?" So today I finally...

My artsy gift boxes for sale
edit: PLEASE E MAIL ME or MESSAGE ME HERE if you would like to see my artwork, jewelry, and boxes. They are really pretty! But for privacy reasons, I will give you the address of my websites and pictures...

DID causes so many problems.
I wish so much I could just be normal. I really do. I hate that we're DID. I really do. I want so much to just have a normal brain. DID causes so many problems. It makes things so complicated....

FRUSTRATION!
I'm just venting so that I don't go cutting or purging is all. This is just me and this is disheartening. I just got another bill from _____ the hospital I was in back in May. They want another $907...

Cheery Snowclowns, Fireworks, and Loneliness
This entry probably won't make much sense. I have a big headache today... being really switchy today for several reasons... and there is a lot going on. I can barely gather my thoughts, so everything's going to sound random. Fourth...

Finding the positives about each day
Right now there is a lot going on inside. There is a lot of talking back and forth, arguing, a lot of flashbacks. Therapy was so hard on Thursday night, and we're all reeling inside from it. Still cant talk...

awfully hard day
Right now... we are trying to deal with something so hard, I dont even know where to-- how to.. struggling to find any words. Just want to curl under some covers, hide our eyes, and go away. The 5 year...

Something huge
I did something huge for myself today. For recovery. I dont really want to talk specifics, but it was something that I wish I could have done years ago. It was something really, really hard for me, and I did...

Moving On & Letting Go
My goal for this summer is to learn to move on and let go. Of the past, of old eating disorder and self injury behaviors, of old distorted thought processes that didnt get me anywhere. I'm trying so hard to...

this is what i want to say
pepol shuld be nise to animls. you shudnt ever be mean to them. oaways be nise to animls no mater what. you shud think abot how a animol feels and be nise to them. when pepol talk abot beiing mean...

How can I make money? How can I rest assured?
I have a big issue on my hands. It takes up way too much of my brain power. I need to make some money. Especially money to pay for treatment that I go to, like my therapist and nutritionist, and...

So much to do
There's just so much to do. I have accomplished a good deal, even just today-- I work on recovery stuff every day, and it can get exhausting. Today I signed up for the peer support program for my county, I...

Trying to find balance
AGHHH!!! I need balance so badly. Right now I need to make more good things happen. I did something really good today-- a few things, actually. I went back to the DID support group that I used to go to....

Small Step
Well, another invasion of the body snatchers event happened as usual, and Caroline took over tonight. Which is probably a good idea, because I was in no mood to handle anything. When Caroline and I switched places again tonight, Caroline...

Discouraged right now.
My therapist told me today that she's moving to another office (again-- several times now in the past 5 years)--- she's moving closer to her home, farther from mine. This is happening in about 3 weeks. its going to be...

Stressed out but trying hard
I am so going crazy here. But I'm trying to work on recovery stuff. Its so overwhelming and taking so much hard work. And I know the work is going to get even harder to do as I delve deeper...

Regaining control
i have been way spaced out for over a week switching every few minutes, my mind has felt like a revolving door, or like an escalator... its been constant movement. dizzying. i hasve problem following peoples sentences. too many people...

On my way
I have had a very busy, intense couple weeks. Its also been a lot of fun. I've learned a lot. I can't find the words I need to right now... so I thought I would share some good quotes...that are...

in limbo
still in limbo, way dissociated. and not sure what is going on time is stretching backward and forwards, inside and out, up and down... dreams and reality are really getting confused. The only constant is the little girl I am...

Nowhere to go
I dont know what to do with myself. I have nowhere to go and no one to talk to. I can't figure out what to do. My head is spinning with voices and talking and memories and flashbacks. The memories...

up for grabs
thank God for dissociation as a coping mechanism because its the only thing keeping us going right now. this mind is up for grabs right now. we are not doing good. bad news today came. this will take some time...

THIS is why.
Tonight is one of those nights when I know why I admitted myself into the hospital last month. Why I force myself to eat when I don't want to. When I force myself to get re-grounded when I'd rather disappear,...

Balancing Act
The real trick I'm working on is balancing out all the stress I'm under with some time off. Life has been a real balancing act lately. Bad news has been coming at me time and time again. Things have been...

Feeling a little more able to deal
This morning i went to therapy and now I'm feeling like I can handle things a little bit better. I was so tired when I got there, because I'm still not getting nearly enough sleep. I had a terrible nightmare...

missing people
i really miss some people i was inpatient with a few weeks ago. i'm so lonely right now. the people i want to be around are THEM, the friends i made in the hospital. the ones that i went through...

Last day of school
What a joyful, sad, difficult, fun day... so hard.... so many people to say goodbye to... so many kids saying "I love you Mrs Pilgrim" and giving me hugs.( I LOVE Kindergarteners and preschoolers!!) Said goodbye to several colleagues... I...

Overwhelmed
Maybe if I take a little bit of time while the laundry is in the washer to just sit and write it might help. I am so tired that my eyes keep trying to close while I’m walking and I’m...

Showing that I can handle things better
Wow, what a rough morning. I think I am helping one of the little inside ones learn to trust me and hopefully strengthening our relationship. One of the things I've learned I need to do is not only tell...

Taking a rest
I've been running myself ragged since I got home from the hospital. Today I'm working on resting, FINALLY! I've just been laying around the house, trying to take things easier, not moving around much. My heart has been hurting-- too...

Goodbyes are Hard
My mentor teacher is retiring this year. We had her retirement party the other day. She is really the best. My principal (AMAZING guy) is being moved to a different school next year. A couple other teachers are going to...

Getting back to Life
Today was a great day. I feel like I'm getting a life back. At work today, things went so well. I had a great time being back where I belong and feeling needed and taking care of things, and being...

What a day!
Tonight I finally told my husband about how I have DID. I started off by showing him my homework and artwork and journals from my hospital stay. I felt so vulnerable and afraid to let anyone see them... but I...

Trying to catch up with life
I've been free for 23 hours now ;) and I am loving it. I've been so extremely busy trying to catch up with everything that I missed while I was inpatient. Today my friend and I ran a lot of...

Hi Everyone, I'm Back! In more ways than One
It's Pilgrim!! Hi everyone!! I just got home from the hospital, and I had a very good experience there. I've learned so much that I'm not even sure where to begin. For right now I just want to let everyone...

I'll be back ;)
thank you to everyone who has read my diary and given me support. I'll be back in a couple weeks after inpatient. I'm going to work really, really hard and do my best to get better and everyone's going to...

Unsure, uneasy, a lot crazy
it was so hard to leave work today knowing that I wont be there tomorrow. i cried after i walked out the door... i wanted so much to be able to talk to someone, to tell them where I'm going...

What am I DOING?
I can hardly believe I'm actually doing this... going into a hospital. I can't believe it. I have fought this for so long. I wonder what its going to be like. I wonder if I will be ok. I am...

My dream last night
I wonder if the strange dream I had last night has to do with going inpatient. It was so different than dreams I usually have. I dreamed that I was in someone's very large, very rich house. It was huge,...

A day of distraction
I haven't been able to sit still today. I have been doing everything I can to keep myself from thinking. Every time I started to think about the hospital, I'd jump up and go run an errand or go clean...

Encouragement about going inpatient
I need encouragement. There, I asked for what I need. I can't believe I'm doing this. *sigh* I am going in a few days into a hospital that treats trauma and DID... everything is almost ready, after spending a lot...

Getting things finalized
Spent the day on the phone with insurance and hospital business people, intake people, and I dont even know who else. Getting transferred from one line to another to another. And sometimes from one idiot to another, but in general...

It all comes down to money
Well, I'm planning to go into a treatment hospital to a trauma unit on Wednesday (THAT IS SIX FREAKEN DAYS AWAY). That is, if there is a way to pay for it. I talked to my husband last night, to...

Going into treatment
What have I done? If I hear "Its an opportunity!" one more time, I'm going to stab myself in the eyeball. I'm a cutter. Dont think I wont do it. going in for an assessment (and most likely to stay...

trying to get the days over with
I have been taking my sleeping pills earlier and earlier lately. I just want to go to sleep. Get each day over with. Sink into oblivion. (Where I usually have nightmares... ) this is not me not me not me...

I decided to go inpatient on my own
The title says it all. I made the decision to go into a treatment center on my own. I told my therapist tonight that I would. We were talking about it...and talking about it. She didn't say I had to....

i hate the world
Today i hate the whole world. God I HATE THEM. I wish Mae and Nobody and Missy and everyone would go away. All they do is cause me trouble. :( just in case i didn't think i could sink any...

i sound like a broken record
I know I sound like a broken record. (Records? Remember those things we had before tapes and CD's and mpegs?) i am so lonely and so bored. I love to read, to make collages, to do quiet things, but I've...

Plenty of time to think
I'm not allowed to do anything active. That leaves a lot of time to sit and think and be here with feelings. Hardly my favorite thing to do. It's sorta like torture. I've always been so active and such a...

Following a meal plan.... multiple style
As it turns out, I might not have to go into the hospital after all. My heart is still bad, but there may be a way out of this. Keep in mind, I am getting this information through a 5...

Maybe not the hospital after all
Hi I am 10 and I am going to write for Mae because she doesnt like how her writing all comes out wrong when she spells words here. Mae is her by me but i have my hands here, okay....

Its my fault
Its my fault that we have to go into the hospital. Its because I dont eat, because I am so depressed that I can't function. Its because of the cutting that I do, all the bad stuff I do. Now...

i dont want to go to the hospitol
i dont want to go to the hospitol ether. i dont want gto go. thare going to leve me there . i dont wannt to talk to strajers i dont want them to see me i dont want them to...

Feelings go Berserk
This has been an interesting few days, to say the least. Emotions have run the gamut from hopeless despair to "maybe things might be ok". Its been rough because the 5 year old REALLY wants to talk to my therapist,...

Being proactive
In an effort to feel that I have some control over my life, I spent most of the night online looking at treatment centers and sending out queries. If I've got to go inpatient, might as well be a place...

All jumbled up
things haven't gone well today. long story short, i'm going inpatient. for the dissociation and trauma stuff, and eating disorder stuff. as soon as school gets out for summer my therapist hopes that insurance will be more likely to pay...

Pretend life
I'm back after being gone for a few days. I feel like no one noticed. All that was in my e-mail inbox was junkmail when I got back home. I'm feeling very dispensible right now. No one notices if I'm...

Just need to get away
Just need to get away. Maybe a few days break would do me some good. Refresh me a little. Maybe I'm just stressed out. My job has never gone better... but maybe I'm just still stressed or something. Maybe spring...

The Big Picture
On nights like tonight I pray that God would just let me die. I need the pain and the sadness to stop. Just. Stop. I can't take it anymore. I want to give up. We had important things to talk...

lost
lost among painful memories right now...

Tulips
I'm forcing myself to write, to think, right now. What I want, and need, desperately,is to go away inside my head. It feels like, I'm stuck in molasses, I can barely move. I have to write my way out of...

Really Searching
I've had a lot of time to myself for the past week, alone. Moreso than usual because I've been off of work. My therapist has been on vacation. So there has been a lot of time to just think. I...

Compromise
Everyone is trying to give a little in order to work together better. (In some cases, very little). It's all about compromise these days. It has all been little things so far: deciding to subscribe to a new magazine for...

Group Goals
Group goal are, believe it or not, harder to come up with. Each meeting to come up with group goals seems to end up in arguments and people stomping off saying "Forget this!" or "Count me out." Each person wants...

Working together: problems in our group
One of the things we've read is that in order to set up some group goals, you need to figure out what the current problems are in your group so you can get clear about what you need to solve....

An idea that might just work!
We might have come up with something that could work! Maybe this will help everyone work together-- changing our concept just a little bit. Its been hard to get everone to work together. REALLY hard. My therapist has been...

Taking steps to do my part; on insiders being sick and different from each other
I have been doing some reading on working together better with insiders.... I know there are things I need to commit to and things I,myself, need to change. I thought that by at least beginning to read how to do...

A message in my dream last night
Last night I had a very vivid nightmare that I think connects to what is going on, and I believe its a message to me that I need to pay attention to. Lately I have been having quite a few...

wasting time and energy
I am wasting time and energy right now. I know what I need to be doing-- i need to be thinking, working on therapy stuff, on what I need to do to help things work better. I need to be...

denial and not doing my part
ugh. Yah, I know, I am doing a crappy job of being the hostess of this party . From what I can gather, the "black boots" thing has to do with denial. I know I need to do better with...

what the 5 year old wrote to us
today i did go play with my T and we got out the littol pepol her hdid act out what her nos gos on and how you do be sayin I HATE YOU I DONT WANTA NO YOU that maeks...

negativity
i hate being this way i hate everything i hate losing touch with everything i hate the embarassment and shame and stupidity of it all i want to escape i hate EVERYONE inside. i want them to GO AWAY. just...

It didn't happen to me!!
Today I made myself, Pilgrim, to go therapy. I had to force myself, as the whole drive over there I kept slipping back to the back of my mind, trying to get away. But I know I need to go...

I dont want to know.
I dont know quite what to say right now. This is Pilgrim. I have had to try to get away from everyone inside. I know this isn't something I should do. Its a bad idea. But I do it anyway....

not breathing well is a trigger
I have asthma, have since i was little. not that i was ever taken to the doctor for it. It got worse and worse over the years. Currently I also have bronchitis. I can't breathe very well and I cough...

dissociating a lot
i'm really spacing out there's a lot of switching going on lately. moreso than usual. there is some really tough stuff being talked about therapy. I dont remember what the 5 year old talks about, but i do know its...

when i did go into the wall
#1 the funny thing. Goldfish crackers come in the mail today from judy! her sent me lots of them in a box! bbunches! shhe is so funny. and there is lots of them. 6 bags of goldfish. judy is so...

I'm a freak
i'm fat and stupid. i'm an idiot. i should never trust anyone. i should never try to make friends with anyone. i'm going to be alone all my life i cant keep any friends because i am a FREAK. everybody...

I am not sure what to say right now, but...
i thought i would say hi. its been a long time since i wrote anything. i've been hanging back a lot. I'm just quiet, and sad a lot. I dont feel like doing much. I would like to have a...

Really good day today
We had a really good day today! It was also a fun day. We volunteered to help do some digging and planting. So we spent the day moving rocks, digging, using tools,moving heavy stuff, and getting very muddy. As our...

Something BIG in therapy today
Huge. But we need to let the 5 year old tell it. But she did something big and brave and terribly, terribly hard today. Her heart and stomach hurt terribly. Our T sat with her and rubbed her back. We'll...

Wishes
I am so overwhelmed and busy and lonely. I have been getting rid of things that were gifts from my ex-best friend. I can't stand the pain of looking at them anymore... I can't stand how it makes my heart...

A day off schedule
I'm not switching today, believe it or not. I've managed to get through the day pretty much on my own. But my whole day is off schedule. I'm supposed to go to therapy on Tuesdays; this week I have to...

Goldfish crackers and the 5 year old's progress
Goldfish crackers are a big deal in our house. We have to have them every day for a snack. Either for lunch or before bed, it doesn't matter. One of us likes the parmesagne flavor. One of us likes the...

Questioning everything takes a lot out of me
I think I have mostly just slept for the past 3 days. Its hard for me to get to sleep, but once I do, I just sleep and sleep and sleep for hours. 11 hours a night. 13 hours a...

hearing voices
I just learned that my (Pilgrim) voice sounds just like SadGirl's. (She is 5... i am in my 30's... but we sound alike!). Yesterday on the phone with Judy, apparently she was talking to the 5 year old and asked...

how do I deal with all this?
Its all so much. Yesterday was such a bad day that I can't even begin to describe it. An hour on the phone with Judy helped Sadgirl make it through for a little while I think. I'm not sure what...

staying home from work,can't face people today
I stayed home from work today. I can't face people. People are so complicated. I have to figure out what to do with SadGirl. I slept in til 11:30. I dont know what I'm going to do with her....

When a child is suicidal
What can I do? I dont even know. I just dont even know. SadGirl is facing some really hard stuff. I know she's doing play therapy and talking to my T a lot. I dont know exactly what's going on......

Winnie the Pooh
i got a new game its winnie the pooh it has a hefalump in it but i dont no how to get [past the hefalump its to hard i got some new games i ben playing with my T. she...

Dissociation out of control
Some times, I believe that I have all this under my control (yah, face it, I'm delusional sometimes *sigh* ) Sometimes I think that I must be making everyone up. I want to pretend they're not there. That they're not...

Multiple Personality Disorder or Dissociative Identity disorder or...
It used to be called only multiple personality disorder--MPD. Lately its been called dissociative identity disorder--DID. But I'd prefer the term going away.... or disappearing... or spacing out... or even that thing. What if it was given a name where...

on my own
I have made it through 2 days of handling everything on my own without spacing out or getting lost inside my head. TWO DAYS. I am kinda proud about that. This morning I had to pay some bills, did...

This weekend
This weekend what I really want to do is curl up under some covers in a big, cozy bed, and sleep and escape. That is all. My body's been aching and I've been exhausted even though I get 9 1/2...

Hard week
This week has been very hard. Valentine's Day sets off a series of crises that are hard on everyone inside. I have barely been sleeping or eating, been getting lots of stomach aches, and switching a lot. I'm so tired...

overwhelmed
I would like to disappear. I'm so lonely. i am just nobody too... just like the other nobody. who do i think i am, trying to do something good for people, having a website, a diary, writing things that i...

Valentine's Day
Today, Valentine's Day, is one of those days where I have a REALLY hard time. I have a very loving husband who is good to me. But I have a lot of very bad memories of Valentine's days from high...

Cooperation and less fighting inside, and my poor therapist
This weekend went better inside. Less fighting and more cooperation, trying to figure out how to do things to get along a little better. Well, except for Missy, who seemed to have her say with T on Thursday and hasn't...

Website on Dissociative Disorders--- Update
A Mind's Journey, our website for support for people with dissociative problems, is located here. We have made a few changes to it in the past weeks, making it easier to navigate and more fun. If you have problems with...

Feeling better
This is Pilgrim. I feel a little bit better inside today. I realized that the one who calls herself Nobody, who is usually suicidal and always trying to find ways to die, hasn't wanted to do that for a whole...

*wham*
This is Pilgrim. I have been laying low a lot. The one who calls herself "nobody" has been working really hard in therapy this week with my T, and I've been just watching or staying away. Plus, I've been sick....

working really hard
This week I worked so hard in therapy. I went to see my therapist 3 times. We were working on something sort of specific. I worked real hard on it. My therapist would give me homework too each day and...

mixed messages:you're good, you're bad, you're fat, you're thin,you're hopeless,you're the best?
Growing up I was surrounded by mixed messages all the time. I never knew what to expect in my house, my family, my friends, or extended family from one second to the next. Anyone and anything could turn on me...

Not that this is any surprise, but...
... I'm lonely. My heart hurts to have a friend here with me. I would like to call Judy and talk to her, but her phone is probably not on. I would like to call my sister, but I can...

saw my nutritionist today
Well I dragged my sorry self 40 minutes to therapy this morning, gasping and wheezing for oxygen,(I am having a bad asthma problem) only to discover that my therapist wasn't coming in today. I was really disappointed because it was...

more on time
I was wondering about SadGirl and time too. I was wondering if she just doesn't see calenders or things with dates on them. For instance the posts here are dated and she has posted here before, right? Perhaps it's a...

Time passing by for alters unaware
A while ago Paul asked Does SadGirl experience time passing? This is one point I've never figured out... whether a personality feels time unless it is fronting?. (I'm sorry it took me this long to get back to this question;...

Trying to catch up
Splitting headache continues. I'm still trying to catch up with what's going on. I feel foggy. I know that Nobody went to therapy today and talked with our therapist... something about their relationship, something about.... ?? using a different language??.......

Too much pressure in my head... in a fog
I'm here again. I have a really bad headache tonight, like there is too much pressure in my head. Sorry... right now I dont have the words to explain what's been going on. Will try later. Will try to write...

not here
not here. no...

hello this is Tuck
the nevereding story. thats one of my favrite movies. i just watched it on tv. i want a luckdragon to like the boy. my name is Tuck. i am 8 in a half. i was playing in the long...

those girls leving for now
say bye from Tuck there herted to bad...

do I have the courage to talk about the flashbacks?
i am having such horrible flashbacks tonight... started with what i wrote earlier. in the shower tonight i just got flooded with memories. i turned off the water and just stood there frozen, seeing everything happening around me again. then...

one tried to make a friend
i remember trying to make a friend once. she was in 11th grade with me. her boyfriend and our boyfriend were best friends. "David", our boyfriend... he was a nightmare. Possessive, mean, abusive, scary. One night Pilgrim decided that she...

Tuesdays
Are Tuesdays going to be like this forever now or something? Because last Tuesday was the 1 year anniversary since I saw my best friend? I'm so lonely that my heart feels like its being torn in two. I want...

The weight of the world on my shoulders
I just got back from therapy. i feel like i have the weight of the world on my shoulders. like i'm about to explode. i'm so lonely. i need a friend to talk to. i need to not come home...

my view...nobody
This is just me, nobody. Its hard for me to go to work on the days I have to be there. Thankfully its not often. Usually C**** or Pilgrim handle it. I'm glad about that. I'm 17. I still feel...

My job
I was happy to be at work today. I'm a teacher and it was a nice, fairly quiet day at school today. One of my favorite students was in a really good mood today and is always so happy to...

A note from Carol
Hi everyone, This is Caroline. First of all, I wanted everyone to know that last night we changed our personal website a little bit, if anyone would like to go look at it again. It used to be more of...

early explanations- reincarnation, past lives
No self-injury today so far. This is the 1st day in almost 3 weeks. Want to make it through the whole day. I distracted myself by wandering around acouple bookstores and a toystore. SHUT UP YOUR WORDS DON’T MATTER FAT...

i am so far away
copied from my journal I am writing from far away now down a long hallway that echos. Sounds are echoing off the walls. Tuck wants you to know he knows what you (my T) said the other niiiiiiight about this...

not fair
I feel really lousy…guilty..bad tonight. SadGirl is crying inside (again). And I tried to help but there isn’t anything I can do about it because I can’t make the situation change that she’s upset about. She wants our ex-best friend...

therapy today
This is me again, nobody, who's been writing all week, but its harder today. Just very quiet and withdrawn. Went to see my therapist and nutritionist today. They both tried to have a talk with me that all of us...

Withdrawing
Tonight I stared out the peephole of my front door for a long time. Wishing as hard as I could that I could make my best friend appear at the door like she used to. I wished so,so hard that...

This is how I feel today.
Deep in thought. Just sort of restless. Sort of lonely. Sort of lost. Sort of found. Sort of all over the place....

its been a year
This is a kind of hard day. Last day we saw our best friend. I didnt come out front until 3:30, after school was over... so i didn't realize what I was wearing. Turns out I am dressed in the...

did better today
Today was a day off, and things went better. Kept really busy and was barely at home-- that helped. I was thrilled last night and felt really popular as several people were online and talked to me... thank you to...

headache
I had to get offline for a little while tonight. I got triggered and had a really hard time. It was when I read something about someone's kitty dying... hearing about animals in pain or children in pain is my...

Flashbacks started in kindergarten and 1st grade
This is so strange. I have been thinking about it a while, i just havent written it down or taked about it. I remember being in 1st and 2nd grade, and having flashbacks,especially in school. A certain smell of food...

nobody
I am so lonely this morning that its making my whole body ache. I can feel it down to my nerves, a heaviness in my heart and body and mind. I have been trying to keep busy cleaning the house...

Loneliness hitting me again
*wow* . i just got hit by a wave of loneliness and despair. It was slowly coming as I was out on a walk... I was missing my ex-best friend. We used to take walks together, and I was lonely...

Tired out
I am really tired out right now. All of this stuff is going on and on inside my head, over and over. I am doing a lot of thinking. I am very anxious to get to my session next week...

same place
Things are racing around inside my head so fast. I wish one of my online friends would come online so I could talk to them. I need someone to talk to, someone i could just bounce some ideas off of,...

thinking.
I am really lonely for my old best friend tonight. I went for a long walk today, and I wanted her with me like she used to be. A week from today it will be a year since I saw...

Contemplation about therapy, trust, and my relationship with my therapist
have to remember that the luxury of therapy isn't always going to be available. i need to take advantage of it even when it is hard S is trustworthy. she has proven it time and time again in the past...

got a good talking to.
*groan*. Well, I totally got a talking to in today's session (this is nobody). My therapist talked about how she is frustrated over the ways I dont change my thinking, how she's done everything she can think of to help...

I have been having panic attacks again
I have been having panic attacks again. Just little ones. Not the huge, the world is dying and I am too and this is it I'm having a heart attack RIGHT NOW type panic attacks that I used to have,...

My essay on self-injury
It’s a crazy thing, that you do this. You know this for a fact. People have to be really screwed up to hurt themselves on purpose, don’t they? At least that’s the way that movies and books make it...

Why self-injure...
I do all sorts of things to punish/hurt/injure myself... some of the insiders do it (Missy and the bully do it to punish me, Nobody does it to hurt herself, SadGirl & me& Nobody all do it sometimes when we...

The Weekend
I'm going to try really hard to do better this weekend, to make things better inside. I got 10 hours of sleep last night, and feel pretty good. This weekend I'm going to take time to make collages and do...

Yep, back to normal, all right.
Depression, anxiety, and loneliness. Yep, all is back to normal in this section of my head. I haven't had panic attacks in a couple years, but the past week or so, they've been back. I (Pilgrim) am getting more depressed--...

too many voices
its just too much tonight. i tried keeping myself all together in 1 piece during my vacation. i fought the switching as hard as i could to make sure that no one in my family noticed anything or thought i...

mess
mess inside and now i've created a mess outside. i have to keep it IN. i have to keep all this mess INSIDE. i cut as soon as i got home. i am going to go exercise. i am TOO...

left again
my appointment got cancelled today. she's sick. naturally. because yesterday stirred up a bunch of crap that i dont know how to handle and I really needed to talk to her again today and I feel like i'm crawling out...

i shouldn't have brought it up
I shouldn't have even written my last post here. i mentioned it to my therapist today. i should have kept my mouth shut. she already knew about this stuff with my dad, the comments he's made and stuff. but today...

look-a-likes
I look just like her. My mom. Which is a good thing, in most ways. My mom is one of the most beautiful people you’ll ever meet. We both have really long hair and light colored eyes, and she’s lost...

Back to "Normal"
I have been gone for a while on vacation and will be getting back to work and back to my normal life this week. Which makes me curiously wonder, what is "normal", anyway? In any case, I am getting back...

Sad
Tonight is my last night here on vacation with my family. And I just want to be with them. But theres a bunch of people here that I dont know and they are loud and talking a bunch and its...

Happy Christmas!
Its been such a nice Christmas holiday. I dont have time to say anything else right now but everything's going really good....

Great book!
Yesterday I received a book in the mail entitled Got Parts? An Insiders Guide to Managing Life Successfully with Dissociative Identity Disorder by ATW. Check out the website. I started reading it and I can see already that its going...

Good Day
We had a really good day in our family today. Got some good news. Thats about all I can say about it here, but it has been awhile since I've felt truly happy about something, and so I'm just enjoying...

Using different names at age 12
I just realized something on my own (this is pilgrim), even though the one who calls herself nobody told this to my therapist the other day, i didn't realize it was true...but now I have my own memory of it,...

Christmas is coming
hi its SadGirl its comen crismas in 7 days its hard to slep!! I CANT wait i got crayons and pensils and paper and redy for vaktshn. and i wqant to SadGirl a prenstn for clare and Tuck still Missy...

SadGirl is a little more comfy
Well, SadGirlis feeling a little better now. Went to the store this morning and got her things for Christmas vacation to keep her busy. A new box of crayons (even though we have a whole bin of them at home......

helping SadGirl find some help
SadGirl went to therapy yesterday. i'm not sure exactly what she said or what happened. she cried though but i dont know why. i think it was flashbacks... i dont know. i would need to ask our therapist. but she...

getting ready for Christmas
over Christmas we'll be on vacation. SadGirl is really nervous. I'm trying to make a list of things i can do to help her. 1. take a bottle of Pepto-Bismal tablets in the suitcase. She has really bad stomachaches every...

Being treated like individuals
I got presents in the mail today from Judy. That was so nice. SadGirl is so excited because she got something she really wanted, and I got some beautiful things too. It makes such a difference...its really amazing, actually, how...

I handled the world better today.
I handled things pretty well today on my own. Its almost Christmas vacation, which I'm excited about. I took presents to my colleagues at work today, which they all liked. Its hard for me to get presents from people, but...

Stockholm Syndrome, maybe?
This morning someone was asking me how can it be that I love my dad and how can I think good things about him . They just didn’t understand. But whats not to understand? It makes sense to me. He...

Thank you Tracy!!
I would just like to say a big THANK YOU to Tracy, the one who runs HEALTH DIARIES. I bet that most people don't realize all the work that she puts in to keep this site up and running. I...

working really hard- Family First by Dr Phil
We have been working very hard to get everyone on the same team. We read this book by Dr Phil McGraw called Family First, which was really, really helpful. We had to modify a lot of the wording and adapt...

Paying bills on my own, learning to be a phenomenal family
So.... been trying to do more on my own, without letting the others take over, right? Trying to have more control over my own life. So I have been trying to make sure I do the bills and handle money--...

Family First by Dr. Phil
My head feels too tight. Too crowded. The lights are hurting my eyes. Sound is hurting my ears. Everything is just too much- just too much input. There's already enough going on inside; I wish I could have some quietness....

Question from a reader
I do not mean to impose upon you, but I need some help in trying to ascertain a young child's psychological situation. I believe this little girl is being abused by at least one and possibly both her parents. I...

Just too many voices tonight
Lots of voices tonight inside making a ruckus and I can't tell who is who. Nothing is clear eough to tell. I just can't concentrate on anything right now. Something is stirred up inside but I'm not sure what. On...

Wish I had a friend.
i am just lonely. i want to talk to people but i just dont know how to do it right. i am just really lonely for a friend right now. i guess thats all i have to say....

Thanksgiving
So far today I am doing well. Its been quiet here today. Just been watching the Macy's Thanksgiving parade, we watched for Santa to show up, which is of course the best part. SadGirl was happy to see the Sesame...

Do i just resign myself?
Last night in bed, I was thinking about what I wrote her..about denying everyoneand their existence. I realized that I've had this conversation with my therapist quite a few times; with myself, countless times. This whole "they're real; they're not...

What if I'm just a freak?
But i dont want to have DID. The others inside even try to convince me "sorry, this is what you've got; we're real." But... I hate being this way. Its embarassing...humiliating. I just want to be normal. I just want...

from Carol...now that Missy's had her fit.
I’m sorry I tried to salvage what I could out of the appointment with Dr x… Missy was in the way, I couldn’t get around her… I tried to tell Dr x that I wasn’t trying to be difficult (maybe...

Its my turn to talk
THIS IS Missy AND I AM SO PISSED OFF. EVERYONE GET OUT OF MY WAY AND LISTEN. NOW. i am so pissed off.oh fuck off everyone and get the HELL OUT OF MY WAY so I can write. I don’t...

What happened to me? What went wrong?
I've been thinking, trying to figure out how I got this way in the 1st place. Why did I end up so different...(Missy puts it as "what the hell HAPPENED to you, crazy girl?) My life wasn't that difficult. I...

Webpage on dissociative identity disorder
Tonight I just have a webpage I want to share. Its from the Multiplicity-Abuse-Healing network... I wanted to write something like this, but not feeling like I am of very many useful words lately... so here is the website instead....

When you meet someonewith multiple personalities
This is a list that has been compiling on my website...originally it was quoted from another site (http://www.howlingthunder.net/defining/meeting.html) , then myself and members from my website have been adding on. Please....pay attention. When You Meet a Multiple Hints for the...

i just need to TALK
I need so much to talk to someone right now. I NEED to. there is no one. Missy's yelling inside at me, "STOP being such a BABY!" .. God, I just need to talk before I explode. (Stupid dramatic teenagers....

Support group for multiples
As for the bully,I think hes sort of a shield for you,maybe your hiding behind him for protection,maybe he makes you feel safe,do you think that could be it?Yes, I think that the bully does make me feel a little...

contrasting personalities
Fear makes me want to crawl away in the darkness and hide, is that the way you feel? (posted by an Anonymous commenter) Yes...that is how I feel. I don't feel like I can confront my fears (and there are...

loneliness and isolation
I wish that I wasn't alone all the time. I am so lonely. I wish I had a friend to talk to or do something with. I am always the odd one out. I wish I didn't feel so completely...

scared, worried
i'm so scared about something. i dont know if i have the ok to write about it here or not though. but something's going on and i'm so scared, it involves my sister and her husband... i am just waiting...

Therapy is hard
therapy is hard. flashbacks. hiding again nobody...

getting the littles to understand DID
Questions from *Judy* :)SadGirl just could not get that maybe everyone inside of me is blended together to make Judy, that I always was safe. I saw her picture too, and she's just toooo cute. I was wondering if she...

choosing a name
people keep saying i shouldn't call myself nobody. that they dont like referring to me that way. i dont know why. its who i am...a nobody. non-person. i want to be nobody, invisible, a ghost, i am just this lost...

me, Carol-making friends
There is something I’m thinking about doing if I can figure out how. The assistant speech pathologist at school is about our age. She and I have sorta gotten to be friends. At the end of last year, when she...

Arguments over moral dilemmas
There is a lot of commotion tonight. Arguing. Missy,Nobody,me. We have all got too much going on and too many things to say and everyone’s fighting for attention. Everyone is wanting to write and talk but since the thoughts and...

SadGirl talking
This week its been kind of weird. Out of the blue, SadGirl will start talking to me. I mean in a normal way. A lot of times when I hear her, its sort of like hearing someone down a long...

not here. artwork.


the pull to dissociate is so strong
i want so much to sink down into the inky black darkness of my mind. the land of nothingness where i can escape. i haven't let myself do that today. i've forced myself to stay present all day to make...

struggling to stay safe
just keep moving dont think dont feel i even went to the mall to keep myself distracted. i HATE shopping and i hate the mall. i had no other place to go. in the other room are razor blades I'm...

trying to keep occuppied
i'm trying hard to remain in constant motion this weekend. if i sit still, i start to think. if i start to think, i might start to feel. if i start to feel, i am probably going to fall apart....

no one would listen
My sister posted about what it was like when she had her baby. I just want to add something--- I DID believe her about how bad the pain was. My sister hardly ever complains. And that day she was nearly...

Hiding and grieving a loss
I am laying low this weekend. Hiding a lot. sleeping a lot. just to escape. i need to get away. i can't be here. present. this week is a hard one. anniversary of the death of my dog,\ who was...

separate lives
Separate Lives When I was little,there were 2 separate girls. The daytime Pilgrim was a happy girl. Popular and outgoing, a show off, a little girl who always got staight A’s in school, and was the teacher’s Pet. The daytime...

Self-injury
i gave up for tonight. instead of fighting anymore, instead of putting up with anymore crying, i just went ahead and cut. it calms me down. i tried other things. nothing worked. it doesnt matter. at least now the yelling...

still more coming
overwhelmed to the max and still more coming. more anniversaries coming. so hard to deal with. i just want to curl up on my couch and hide. just hide....

SadGirl went to therapy today.
SadGirl went to therapy today. everyones exhausted....

Faculty meeting today about child abuse.
Faculty meeting today. All about child abuse. With detailed re-enactments on video, just in case we couldn't imagine what "abuse" meant. No, they had to show exactly what was meant by physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. :( Then on the...

headache
Therapy was really difficult today. SadGirl is pretty worked up . Dont feel much like talking. Sorta exhausted. Just one big headache inside....

Social Outcast
Today was a workday at school. We had a long lunch. I went out to eat with a few colleagues. I was really quiet but I did eat a little. I had some chicken and about half a cup of...

Touch
i wish i had someone to do things with. yesterday i went to a movie by myself , a drama called Woman Thou Art Loosed, and it was hard to watch, hard to not cry at the end. I felt...

"Kids Day Out"--- old writing
This is from a long time ago, last spring, but I just found it on my computer and wanted to share it. Its something that C**** wrote on another website, about "Kids Day Out". I could use a good laugh...

Its me, for a change.
Its me again, Pilgrim. I haven't been around for a long while. Today was the 1st time I've really been with my students in a long time. It was really nice to spend the day with them, without Nobody or...

Mae
today i stayd home from sckool. i got the flu i did go see my T she sas even if i dont be there she still dose remimber me i told her dady sas out of site out of minde...

withdrawn


quiet
no one feels like saying much....

Missing our friend.
The doorbell rang today. Mae immediately said, "its K_____!" Me, in my foolishness, let myself wonder for a split second, "maybe it is K______." I held my breath when i looked through the peephole. It was just the mailman.i have...

Waiting for a friend who won't show up.
She still thinks that my ex-best friend is coming back today .The ex-friend we haven't seen or heard from since January. Mae keeps saying, "maybe today!" K knows today is my birthday. And has always come to celebrate before. Always...

Stranger Danger classes
today the counselor came to the classes to do a presentation about good touch/bad touch and stranger danger. my class combined with another class across the hall. they watched a video and talked to the counselor about it, saying no...

October
october comes tomorrow. tomorrow. so fast. panicking inside. panicking outside. terrified. TERRIFIED. NO ONE GETS IT!! i want the whole month to GO AWAY! My therapist says it isn't the month that is bad, i say YES IT IS! its...

I need to get away from October
I felt so stupid at work today. I know i can sometimes forget things. But I am so dissociated all the time right now. October's coming, I'm a nervous panicky mess inside. Today at work i forgot how to use...

its hard at night, especially
its hard at night, especially lately. Mae is so paranoid and scared and panicky. terrified. the rest of us are having flashbacks. october is coming so fast, and its always been a bad month. since 1988. every october, there's a...

ache
rough day. i just want to curl up. i need my therapist, i need to talk to her, i need to talk to her and be in her office, my next session is tuesday and that seems so far away....

good day and a hard day at work
Today was both a hard day and a good day .It was a good day because I got a new little boy in my class. He is 3 and doesn’t speak but does understand spanish. His mom had a hard...

I went to Therapy today.
I went to Therapy today.I have missed S so much.. We had a semi-good talk. Of course, I was there as a screen, to give Nobody a break. I go in and talk about dumb stuff like how fat I...

Really quiet.
I have been really quiet for several days. (oh who am I kidding? its gotten worse over the past weeks). I am withdrawing more and more, to the point that I dont even want to be around people, because I'm...

I need an owner's manual.
I wish I came with a manual. Something i could read when I'm stuck and confused like this, that would tell me what to do. My head is so full of voices, yelling, and choas. I'm so tired of it....

A birthday invitation
my birthday is coming.Mae is getting all excited.she has picked things out she wants-- dolls, mostly, and some other toys. She made an invitation the other day. By herself. For our therapist and her daughter. Mae was at the front,...

Maybe it was brain damage ;)
My sister and I were just chatting about odd things that have happened to us, and discovered something else we both have in common. We probably ended up with brain damage. Don't worry--- we did it to our own selves....

Dividing time.
its been a longggg day. Been gone since 7 a.m., and due to work, therapy, open house, and a PTA meeting, I didn't get home until 8:45. The nice thing was a nice thunderstorm on the way home and a...

Searching for answers
I have been, for the past week, searching through all my old journals. I started keeping them in 7th grade; unfortunately, the one from that year was given to my "best friend" when I moved away and I never saw...

The similarities are eery to trichotillomania
I was just reading my sister's diary (no I am not poking through her things! She writes Life with Trich here on Health Diaries)--- and something she wrote last night caught my eye: It's hard to describe the feeling that...

Shutting down.
I've been a little shut down the past few days and quiet. The anniversary of a friend's death is coming up. Every year I start to shut down in September-October. Here I am doing so, right on schedule....

Denial again.
This all can't possibly be my life. This can't all be real. I have to be making all this up or something. This is Pilgrim. None of this is real, right? Its all in my head. Or I'm psychotic, or...

This is Carol.
Hi this is Carol and I wanted to add in my thoughts on the topic from last night, about different parts getting sick or not sick. Right now I am around because I'm trying to give everyone a break from...

medical problems specific to alters
Do any of the alters have specific medical problems to them alone? I hope its ok that i answer this. its mostly me anyway who is the answer. I dont know if any of the others has written about this...

I am just too different.
.....am so lonely that my heart aches.I miss my best friend... even though i will probably never see her or hear from her again. i haven't heard a word from her since january. and i still have no answers about...

how insiders came to be
I'd love to hear more about how you find out others have been created, or that they have been there, you've just not seen (heard?) them.Someone asked this a while ago and I've been working on finding a way to...

development of personality
Who's idea was THAT? a book? I can see putting together something for myself-- sure. But getting it published? where other people would be able to SEE it? yipes. I dont know about that. THAT'S going to require a lot...

an idea to publish a book. Wanna offer me a book deal?
An idea is forming in my head. It came to me on my way to work this morning. I am going to write a book. I'm going to put a lot of the materials I have made together and write...

aching
still having nightmares every night and still constantly terrified and on edge. feeling hopeless and unwanted and very much alone and unliked. like if i stood in the middle of a room and started to scream, no one would bother...

Do alters age?
Do alters age? Someone asked me this (thank you for your very kind e-mail)-- this is just true for us.... i dont know how it is for other people. but as for us it seems like no, no one does....

I need to express myself better
I wish I were a painter so that I could make worlds with paint. Or a poet. So that I could make worlds with words. I wish I were an artist who could pick up a pencil and draw people...

triggered
forcing myself to post. wil this make sense? trigerd. on tv. a man. remind me of someone bad that hrt me. a bad guy.makes me shakae.freeze. my heads all swirly. fogy. this is what it fels like to switch. headache...

disconnected images... flashbacks
My husband told me I've been "out of it" the past few days. I couldn't agree more. I am so confused about what's been going on. The past few days....weeks?... are just flashes of disconnected images. Nothing related. I'm having...

Hearing voices
i remember one of the 1st times i heard someone else's voice come out of my mouth. i was around 12 years old. My aunt and grampa were visiting and staying at our house. I can remember getting out of...

I dont want to come out.
i'm here too... i just... dont have much to say. numb. sad. very tired. dont want to deal. i want to hide inside myself, so that is what i'm doing. and i dont want to come out. i just dont...

Nervous about therapy today.
I went to therapy today. I was shaking so hard, afraid to face her after what I talked about last time. But she was nice to me (so confusing). it confuses me so much when people are nice to me......

Using a teaspoon when I need a bucket
I know whats been going on. Joining from some sort of half world that i've been in. Numb, distant feeling lost. I just don't... feel like talking... I guess. Carol has been doing the teaching every day, thank goodness. But...

developing relationships with alters
I do have a question if you don't mind. When there are ones that you don't talk to, how can you start a relationship with them?There really isn't a relationship when people aren't even on speaking terms. That has usually...

We're living separate lives.
Everyone is living such separate lives anymore. Everyone is fearful.walking lightly on tiptoes. waiting for the damn to break. Was thinking... maybe if any readers want to ask questions we could answer them here on the journal. if anyone is...

Told a secret.
i am overwhelmed with shame. i told a secret to my therapist, i have been hiding, even from the others. for...18 years. i'm so terrified. i'm afraid that the bad people will find out. and who knows what they may...

Overwhelmed.


Beyond stupid.
Beyond stupid is the only way i can think of to describe my day. My emotional reactions, my actions, my thoughts, my.... EVERYTHING... was beyond stupid. Too stupid for words, so I'm not even going to try to go there....

Thank you for kind comments.
Somedays i have so much to say that i dont know where to start. I had 2 e-mails today about my writings here. What a difference some kind words can make. To have someone say to me that I am...

A touching e mail
I received a very touching e mail from a member of this site today. It was just what I needed. I am feeling really down today. I went to group this morning, but i didn't feel like i could participate,...

I've been back to work
I've been back to work for 2 days and ave been working like crazy. Being extra busy helps me keep my mind off things. I work through lunch, and work late. While I'm working, I grab a protein bar and...

Found a story i wrote.
Last night I was going through an old box of writing. Found something I never saw before,I found some old stories I wrote, from about age 15...that i have no memory of writing.they were about characters with other names, but......

losing time
I'm completely baffled. Monday went well. Good therapy session. My therapist and I were even talking about how I've met my goals for the summer for the most part. I felt really good about that. A little bit proud even....

a dream about a bus
I'm doing beter. This has been a hectic few days--- someone inside, a little one, has been working hard on trying to figure something out. I'm not sure exactly what, but I know it had to do with real and...

My site on dissociative disorders.
http://s3.invisionfree.com/A_Minds_Journey/index.php ...

Was I a normal kid?
Last night I told my husband about the secret chant from childhood. I'm not sure why I told him. But for some reason, it made me feel better. I guess I just wanted him to have more information. I even...

"not me, not me, not me, not me" My dissociating trick
today was rough all around.2 hour session with my therapist today. one of the things I started talking about, I haven't mentioned before.  My old trick.When I was little, I taught myself how to go away. Whenever something bad (or...

A book on DID, Becoming One
I have been so busy the past few days. I cannot even describe it. Thank goodness its summer. I am only going to write for a minute though. I got a book in the mail today, and I can't wait...

On a roller coaster
Was gone on another getaway. Finally home, where I belong. Its been a roller coaster week. Day. Hour. Lots of switching going on. So I can't really give an update about what I've been doing, because I'm not sure. Kids...

The Butterfly Effect
The other day I watched a movie called The Butterfly Effect. It had a big impact on me. Its about a man who had a traumatic childhood and experiences all the flashbacks of times that he blacked out. As an...

I am home
I am home from vacation. I hate,hate,hate having to leave my family at the airport. Walking away from them, especially my little amazing niece , is one of the hardest things I ever do and breaks my heart. Sorry if...

I had a small life.Who was that girl in the mirror anyway?
Last night I stayed at my parents' house, up in my old bedroom. Had a fight with my past while I was there at about 2:30 in the morning. So much happened there, and I could see it all. The...

Trying to face my past again.
Its been a few days since I last wrote anything. Its because I am at my family home, keeping busy, till all hours of the night. I find myself at a loss for words. Find myself mostly contemplating. Most things...

Going home for a visit
Tomorrow i head back to the family home down south. *gulp* Part of me is very excited. Part of me is terrified. It takes a lot to get ready for a trip these days. Safe things for the inside kids......

Trying to get back on track.
I haven't been having the best of weeks. Dissociating a LOT. I am not sure what I've been doing. I know that at least part of the time, I've been busy helping run the new forum for dissociative disorders. I...

Not functioning very well
too much pain. I've been having almost constant flashbacks and dissociating a LOT. didnt even go to work today. desperate to talk to someone, but there isn't anyone to talk to. everything hurts too much to say more. i am...

Mae's hard day.
Monday night I am not sure what happened today. I am really mixed up still. I cant figure out whats been going on today. I think I’ve been really spaced out. Mae--- crying all day with horrendous flashbacks that made...

A restful day
Today was actually a pretty good day. It was a restful day. Yet I was busy. (Bet that made no sense.) All day I've been working on helping my friend set up our bulletin board (A Minds Journey). That has...

Starting a website for MPD,DID, DDNOS, PTSD
My friend Heather has started a forum for people dealing with dissociative issues. I am so relieved. Its so hard to find good places to discuss problems like this. She wants me to be an administrator for the board, which...

Two Brothers movie. So Sensitive-- animal abuse.
I dont know where to start with this topic. I just got back from a movie. Went to see "Two Brothers" which just came out yesterday. We've been anxious to see it for a while now, being in love with...

my website on dissociation
I have a new website. Its a work in progress, but here is what I have up so far: JourneyInside...

My website
I am fixing to tear down my website, journeyinside.com. I can't get it to turn out how I want. Too many other insiders have been working on it, and its all disorganized. Its so frustrating. I wanted it to just...

Amongst Ourselves, and hide and seek
Today in my dresser drawer, I found a book.Actually, I re-found it. Its called "Amongst Ourselves." Its a self-help book for people living with d.i.d.. Its very good. Somehow I acquired it a few years ago (I don't remember ordering...

Privacy and fears
I went to therapy again this morning. I feel a little better, although I'm not sure why. Yesterday we talked about hard stuff, and my therapist wanted me to be able to go 24 hours without doing any self-injury or...

Piecing together the last year
I have been combing through things on my computer, and various message boards, tonight. Desperate to try to piece together where I've been the last year or so and what I've been doing. I was thinking just the past 6...

Mattie Stepanek died today.
he died. mattie stepanek. he died. he was such a nise boy. he did be in a wheilchair.a nd he rote poems. he did be on OPrah a lot. :sosad: he been sixck al ong time. but today he died....

Want to piece things together
This is Pilgrim again. I see that miss priss got her opinion in here yesterday. I dont want to go to work today. I'd rather stay home, because I want to devote some time to piecing the past year together....

I'm not like them. This is Missy.
This is not Pilgrim. You could think of me as Pilgrim's evil twin. But I hope you won't, 1. Because I dont look like her. 2. I'm not evil (just called bitchy, which I'm NOT, I am just opinionated and...

Distractions
I really need to do a lot of work on my website. I hate how it looks. Maybe that's something I can do tonight to keep me busy until I fall asleep. All day I've been busy. Went to a...

Frenzy over Fathers Day
Been in a frenzy of activity all day (its still Saturday, but now its about 12:30 in the morning). I am only sitting down because my body is too tired to keep going. Kept busy all day. Very busy. This...

shut down
no feelings. none. fathers day is sunday. cannot handle it. cannot get away from the advertisements and movies. turn the channel. turn off the radio. turn off my heart. ignore everyone inside. nothing. if any feelings were allowed this weekend...

My Brain Hurts
I'm sitting here rubbing my forehead...trying hard to... wrap my mind around things. "Nobody" went to therapy this morning, and since I wasn't there directly as ME, I can't be positive that I've got all the information right. But this...

a Dream
Last night I had a dream that was soooo nice... I dreamed that my friend, the one I wrote about earlier who dumped me back in January, called me. She started talking to me on the phone just like everything...

I need stability and something to count on
[RANT] I was supposed to go see the psychologist this monday for yet ANOTHER (GRRRRR) test. But this morning she called me to reschedule AGAIN. AGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! i told her how it is VERY hard to reschedule because I DO have...

still working
Been working all evening (about 6 hours) on this stuff. I'm exhausted. I wish I had someone that I could just... forget it. There's no point in wishing. I am so lonely. . . .. ... .. . . feel...

creating an internal contract
I might be on to something. Starting last night (out of desperation, and with a little luck), I started working on a contract for everyone inside-- a sort of who's who list, and who will do what-- and so far,...

Its never enough
I had a mini-meltdown in therapy this morning. I'm just so frustrated, with everything, especially myself. There are things I want to be able to do, answers I need, things I wish I knew, but there just ARENT answers. I...

living with consequences of a dissociative disorder
I'm writing again tonight, because I'm dealing again with one of the consequences of having a dissociative disorder. Losing friends. Losing time. Losing things. Someone I used to be best friends with is online right now. We were best friends...

Stuck on Pluto
I am SO lonely. Almost all the time. It feels like there's no one I can connect with in the whole world. As if I live on a separate planet--- Pluto. Watching Earth from far away, watching the world pass...

Today my view is different-- denial
Today, I'm one of the nonbelievers. Today I'm back in denial. I don't know why I get like this. Maybe its just where I need to be for today. Maybe its because writing that letter to the others last night...

Dealing with other people...and i am not demon-possessed.
Last night I got an e mail from and old friend, checking to see how I'm doing. We've been friends for 16 years. She knows that I've had an eating disorder, so she always asks how my eating is going....

A letter to those inside.
(or, where I eat crow... to say I'm sorry for the way I have treated the others inside.) To everyone From Pilgrim I heard what M talked about with S (therapist) the other day (most of it, anyway, )… I...

My responsibility
I need to do a better job of coping with things. This is just a fact. I can't keep dissociating and letting the others do it...although I wish I could. But that's the easy way out. Things get rough, or...

I want to connect with people.
My heart aches to connect with people today, to be able to talk to someone... i hate being so alone. nobody....

I confuse people.... no, I dont have ADHD, and I'm not stupid.
I know my behavior confuses people. Drives people crazy, I'm sure. People who don't know what's really going on, who don't know that thy are really sometimes talking to a 5 year old or a 12 year old or a...

A day in the life of me
That poem that's in the previous entry was posted and written by a part of me named Nobody... who was around most of the day today. Its been a rough day. I wouldn't even know where to start to explain...

"Just a Normal Day"
Just a normal day. The sun is shining. The air smells like freshly cut grass. You wonder if you haveenough change in your pocket for a soda. Warm sun feels good. Suddenly-Something breaks in you. things sTart scrEAming fRom inSide....

Sometimes I wish i could go inpatient.
This is a really, really hard night for me. I'm fighting as hard as I can to stay present. Its so difficult though-- I keep feeling like I'm being sucked down a tunnel, through a vacuum. Having a lot of...

Movies and Misperceptions about multiple personalities
Sometimes I wish that movie "Sybil" had never been made. Sure, I like Sally Field. And the movie has its good moments. BUT. AGH! Why do movies portray multiples as psycho, messed up, bizarre, obvious acts of switching? You...

The problem of having one body.
*yawn* I have been so busy today. Constantly busy from 8:30 this morning til 9:30 this evening. 2 workshops to attend, several projects, books to read, 2 classes to prepare for (my summer teaching job starts next week), a little...

I want to get away from it all
This is one of those days when I JUST WANT THEM TO Go AWAY. I want them out of my head-- now. I'm sick of them hanging around. I'm sick of the chaos these other inside people cause in my...

Misperceptions, realities, and websites about DID/MPD
It makes me feel sad when I realize there are so many people who have a preconceived notion of what DID is. People who saw the movie "Sybil" think that you have to be just like that particular character, or...

D.I.D./ MPD is real.
I know that a lot of people don't believe in multiple personalities. I find that interesting. I'd rather not believe in it myself ;) However, given that I live with a group of people in my head who insist they...

My insides started spilling out
It seems like, once I admitted to my therapist that I had a problem, that things began spilling out all over the place. Finally, someone knows. Finally, I can be myself. Finally, I can get this out. I remember posting...

Telling my therapist about the voices in my head
One summer night, things got out of control and I didn't even know it. As my ex-best friend told it, I switched, and became this angry person, and told her I hated her and didn't want to be around her....

Therapy
I went into therapy for my eating disorder. Man, how I wish that's all it had stayed at. My poor therapist. Little did she know. Little did I know. At one of my 1st few therapy sessions, I remember her...

"That's just Pilgrim"
I had survived high school (barely). Still in an abusive relationship with a boyfriend that I didn't know how to escape, still being raped on a regular basis, still hurt, still trying to deny everything from my past, and doing...

Something was wrong.
I always knew that something was wrong with me. Always. I didn't know what it was, but I realized that something-was-not-quite-right. Even as a little girl, I was extremely intelligent, extremely creative. I was often accused of "thinking too much."...

Trying to work together
For the longest time, no one worked together. Everything's been chaotic for such a long time, with insiders not knowing about each other, one person not knowing what others were doing. I've had months filled with "fog", where I couldn't...

Where do I start?
Where can I start with the story of my journey... it is a long and confusing one... that I wish more people would understand. Do I start with myself? Do I start with my history? Or my reaction to it?...