How much do I matter?
This week I am really struggling with my self-worth. I keep wondering how much do I matter to anyone, including God. In a book by Joyce Meyer she wrote that God thinks we are precious. I haven't ever felt precious...

Waiting on God's Promises
I am still waiting. Trying to make things better for myself, and still waiting on things to get better. My heart is still deeply hurt by what my old therapist did. Still broken. I am still deep in depression. I've...

Trying to find a grief support group
Things are still going around here. I'm really working my butt off to get through some interesting days. Trying really hard to leave the old me and my past behind. Someone I really cared a lot about died the other...

I want so much to dance again.
We used to dance on Friday afternoons with the kids in our class. We'd put these funky nursery rhymes or the ABC song on and jump around and dance and act silly as a fun and crazy way to end...

Thursdays
My heart aches more on Thursdays. Those were my appointment days with Sharon. I used to look forward to 5:00 coming. Right now I should be in the waiting room for her to come get me. I try hard to...

Still not a lot to say
I know that people are concerned and want to hear from me. Thank you for your e-mails. I still don't have much to say. I have gotten very closed in on myself and don't talk to anybody much anymore. Still...

A Mind's Journey got a shout- out on the radio... WOW
Thanks to one of our site members, my support forum, A Mind's Journey, just got a shout-out on public radio. I'm so excited. Thanks, you-know-who-you-are :) I can't believe that in just 4 short years my little website has grown...

Not much to say anymore
I don't talk too much anymore.. I don't each much anymore. I've been getting sick a lot and that scares me because its like I don't have any internal reserves to deal with getting sick. The inside kids continue to...

I don't know what's wrong with me (except abandonment)
I am seriously defective. I am crying more and harder. I'm getting really bad stomach aches and my stomach is in knots all the time. Everyone keeps telling me to stop thinking about Sharon and what happened and just move...

Trying so hard to move on and let go
I'm trying so hard to move on and let go. But I feel so defective. My thoughts obsess over what happened with Sharon and the lousy way things ended. The guilt and shame over the way things ended, the letters...

Can't seem to move on. It was all our fault.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel so defective. I can't seem to move on at all after Sharon left us. It still feels as raw as it did on January 10th. In fact it seems to feel...


It was so hard today. Husband and I went to the butterfly exhibit like we do just about every year. Each year we have gone, we have bought something in the gift shop for our old T because she likes...

Therapy shouldn't cause more PTSD
I feel likewe got thrown away. Like my old therapist threw us away. It would have been better if she would have just died. Then there would be a reason. But when she just gave up on me and didn't...

broken.
i feel like i can't survive another loss. my heart hurts so much. i have to deal with it alone. maybe my therapist never cared in the 1st place. i dont know what to believe. the times when we worked...

I was wrong.
I was wrong to tell my old therapist that I deserved a 2nd chance with her. I was wrong to tell her, "I'm a good person-- I deserve a 2nd chance." I told her about all the positive changes I...

Confused and lost
I can't say much right now. Words escape me. Today our old therapist wrote us a letter explaining that its still a definite no that she won't be seeing us again. That she won't even do a transition session with...

Bad day-- but handling it differently than I used to
The past 2 days haven't been very good ones for me. Especially today. I've been coming down with some stomach thing. And then today I got some news I didn't want to hear by someone who completely confuses me, so...

Do we stay or go?
This has been a really,really stressful school year. To keep privacy I can't give details, but things have been very hard all year. Even at the beginning of the year, long before the stress of losing our therapist, we were...

Inside Kids are really Struggling
The title says it all. The inside kids are having a really hard time still. After our transition session with our old therapist last week, I got to talk, and I read a letter that we all helped write. But...

Waiting Game...
Right now we're in a state of waiting. It's hard. I don't want to go into any details, quite frankly. I've had a long day and a long night. There is a lot about our life we don't share on...

Saying Goodbye to Anorexia
I'm ready to say goodbye to my eating disorder I've had for over 20 years. This is the 1st time I've ever felt this way. The week at Shades of Hope made such a difference inside of us. And before...

Meal plan, being scared, protecting the inside kids.
I went to my nutritionist tonight and started a meal plan. FINALLY. After nearly 8 years of fighting her-- its about time. She said its music to her ears. I'm glad I'm finally in a place where I am able...

Affirmations by Jo, and with some from others inside
.....I can let go and let God (while still praying hard enough to make my brains practically pop out of my ears...) .... I am a good person who deserves a 2nd chance .... I know myself inside and out...

I'm home
I just wanted to touch base with everyone and say that I'm home. I met some incredible people this week. The therapists at Shades of hope are amazing. Everyone was. If anyone ever has the chance to go to Shades...

I miss my therapist so much/ leaving for IP
Right now I need to hear my old therapist's voice so much. I wish I could talk to her so bad. In the morning I'm leaving to go to the weeklong eating disorder workshop and I'm so scared. I'm shaking...

All the crayons are gone
this is so hard mae and sharon used to color all the time. sharon still has some of Mae's coloring books. it helped mae so much to sit and color with sharon. One time, a while ago, Mae accidently broke...

All these people but so alone.
I live in a big city in the USA. To protect my privacy, I won't say where. But all the time, I'm surrounded by people. My school has a lot of kids in it. There's a lot of people on...

I am so alone.
falling apart tonight. Yah, BIG SURPRISE. We were writing a new letter to our ex-T (God, I DESPISE writing that) -- to read at our transition session with her with new stupid T (who we still HATE ) . Trying...

4 weeks since T left me...
...and I'm still decompensating. Thursdays are the worst because that was "therapy night" from 5-7 pm. And I'm not there anymore. This fact tears my heart out. The inside kids cry so hard. The ache goes down so deep inside...

Shades of Hope, losing weight, losing hope, lonely
Well we're certainly not handling things at all since our T left us.We miss her so much, and think about her so much, but every thought, ever memory, is painful. Its hardest of Mae; Mae adored Sharon, and to now...

Its been a long 3 1/2 weeks since Therapist left us; still brokenhearted
The past few weeks have been really bad. I've lost more weight, still not sleeping or eating much.Every minute in the back of my head, we still think about our old therapist and how she left us. We still have...

Another appointment with new therapist. Is God trying to kill me?.
Went to see stupid new T today. hate all this. go in there and feel like gravity weighs too heavy on me, so hard like i cant move. fall down inside a tunnel and my head spins so much, everything...

Nightmares and no more sparklies
It feels like everything in the whole world is different. It seems like everything is strange. No one is acting right. Tonight the kids saw all kinds of sparkly fairies with lights shining on them. Things that normally they’d go...

Why should I care?
Something my "new Therapist" said is bugging us so much. I dont know what the question originally was but then she said, "But what would I think?" I told her "I don't care." WHo CARES what she thinks? There's only...

Not getting any better after my therapist left me
Its been a week since my therapist left me and I'm not doing any better yet. I'm not eating or sleeping yet. I don't think I've ever been this exhausted or sick feeling. Even when I want to eat, I...

Just still in shock over therapist abandonment
Time is going by so slow. It feels like we're moving through molasses. Still no sleep and not much food inside.. Inside kids just cry and cry. Even though I take sleeping pills, I can't sleep still-they're not working. Barely...

In shock, no sleep, ready to give up, re-burying everything.
I only got 3 hours of sleep last night. I kept having nightmares about my therapist telling me, "I'm done." and her saying she wasn't going to work with me anymore. I can't believe she said those words. I keep...

My therapist abandoned me, even though she said she wouldn't ever do that
My therapist dumped me tonight. She wanted our husband there in case we freaked out. Even though she said she wouldn't ever do it, she did. Just like everyone else does. We can't trust anyone. Now her too. We can't...

Maybe I can't trust my therapist anymore :(
So upset. I'm down a long long tunnel spaced out so its hard to write. this is jo. i'm so disappointed and let down and feeling so worried and sick inside....

Getting a Master's Degree and being DID
We have been under pressure for a couple of years to get a Master's Degree. It started again at Christmastime on vacation. I put myself under pressure too, it doesn't just come from friends and family. In fact we WANT...

A Christmas trip, being torn apart, and the kindness of a stranger
Well I'm back at home from my adventurous trip to visit my family....

Going home for Christmas and nervous
Pretty soon I'll be getting on an airplace and flying back to my family's houses for Christmas and I'm nervous. Not just about hanging out with my family but just of traveling and being away from home. With the grown...

Feeling ignored & unimportant
I feel really ignored and unimportant more than usual this week. i think i shouldn't be writing about this so I've changed my mind. the people that i wrote about are always going to come up with some fabulous justification...

Someone wrote a song
Yesterday in our inbox we got an interesting surprise. There was an e-mail from someone in Greece who had read this journal. Caroline gets a lot of e-mails from people saying how things SHE has written have inspired them. i...

Just don't feel like eating most of the time
This is just jo. I finally met my goal weight that we set 20 years ago. I finally did it. Because I'm someone who does what they say they will do. Sometime I promised I'd do. No one knows what...

I just can't do anything right these days
I wish the adults would come back. Although I can't see why they would. Being in an underpaid thankless job and going in early and staying late, I wouldn't want that either. It seems like all I'm doing is saying...

Without Caroline
I'm just so lonely and far away from everyone. I need Caroline to talk to. I feel like I'm doing so many things wrong. I don't want to make any decisions while she's not here. It feels so strange without...

Goodbye letter to Caroline
Only a couple of people know this, but after the whole 911 thing a couple weeks ago, Caroline and the rest of the adults jumped ship. She left a message about being a failure, something about she couldn't believe she...

i just don't want to be anywhere
Its our job to look happy and cheerful all the time so no one complains about us and don't make anyone mad. So we HAVE to keep a smile on our face. But really i just don't want to be...

Burger King's Italian Chicken Sandwich, and My Last Summer of Happiness
Burger King has re-introduced their italian chicken sandwich. The last time I had one was in the mid 1980's when I was around 13 or 14, and lived off of them for 1 summer when our family was building a...

My therapist called 911
i'm so scared that my therapist hates me. she called 911 on me tonight. couldnt stop dissociating after an intense session. she found mae and mindy out front. i can't remember what they said. but it was something about waiting...

Awaiting Thanksgiving break
There are 10 days of work until Thanksgiving break and I'm just trying to hang in there til then. Its been a very hard time the past few weeks even for Caroline. Our computer crashed and we lost everything, every...

Surviving October
I'm counting the days til Halloween is over. November can't get here soon enough. There's so much going on, inside and at work and at home, and it seems like I'm constantly busy, constantly behind in my work, even when...

Getting back to normal life
Sorry it took me so long to update this journal. We have been really sick for a few weeks now. We're just now getting back to normal. Also, our journal (Pilgrim's Journey) isn't listed on the main health diaries home...

I feel so transparent
So my husband got me a massage for our anniversary... which is one of my favorite things....

After 2 weeks and no word...
I really want to come back and say something wise or thrilling. But I don't have anything. Things have been very complicated the past week or so. You know how you just have some days when everything that can go...

What is it like to have multiple personalities?
Someone asked us this. Thought we'd post our response here. As far as what DID is like....wow. Its sort of like, being stuck in a cell with a lot of people at one time, all trying to share the same...

jo screws up once again
Someone's birthday is in a few days. once again i did something wrong. i thought i would make this person a cake. i haven't before. its always been caroline or Pilgrim or mae. since i am around more lately i...

from Caroline
I'm just in a bad mood today. One of my kids didn't get picked up, and so I lost my lunch time because I had to stay with him. With my kids, I can't just send them to a corner...

online support for DID/MPD at A Mind's Journey
It has been a while since I posted a reminder about our forum for dissociative disorders. It is at: http://s3.invisionfree.com/A_Minds_Journey/index.php In the past few months we have added new forums. There are places for littles, teens, adults,Internal self helpers, and...

I am a Rock-- a memory of Missy
I just remembered something. The other day I downloaded some new songs to my iPod…60’s and 70’s stuff. I was just listening to them while I was exercising, and the last song was Simon & Garfunkel—“I am a Rock”. Oh...

I want to cut
i havent cut in a long time, but i want to so much tonight....

If it isn't broke, don't fix it.
Big things are going on and I'm not handling it well at all....

moving house
My parents sold their house....

My brain hurts
Really. It does. We have half a day to get ready for school to start. My students are going to be filing into my room...well, more like jumping over each other... before I know it. My brain is completely overloaded....

Another School year begins
We have been back at work for 3 days and so far things are going pretty well. Caroline is in heaven because she's only happy when she's working. Even though she is stressed out, that's what she lives for. Pilgrim...

A birthday for a lost boy
This might sound silly. There are so many other big things going on in my life, maybe it is even a little weird to get so sad over something so simple. I used to teach a special ed class,...

The Post Secret Movie
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6rTkp1dek4 I just wanted to put this out there, because its one of our favorite sites. We're thinking about secrets a lot right now. Lots of thinking, and not much writing or talking. Not many updates lately. Will soon, as...

Therapy today
Today was supposed to be a good day... back to therapy after 2 weeks....

I'm so afraid
Maybe this is all irrational but I feel so afraid that my chest hurts, my stomach hurts, my head hurts, and I feel like I could become unglued at any second. Or have a headache. My chest is so tight....

I want to just be invisible
Its just jo. I'm only here because no one else is except for Caroline, and she's obsessed with getting work done. That's all she's doing these days, is working and working more, trying to get ready for school when it...

Website to share our stuff
We are working on a new website that just has some of our creations on it. Its still a work in progress, but you can look if you like: http://pilgrim.and.company.tripod.com/...

She's not bipolar, an update, another trip, and don't want to be this way
Got home from another trip. An emotional one. Still trying to adjust to being home. Its hard to talk about. Still not really able to. Every trip home is like having a final exam that we didn't study for. Its...

The Last Mimzy
Today we bought The Last Mimzy. When it came out it was instantly one of the kids favorite movies "ever". The little girl in it is SO MUCH like Mae, so sensitive and naive and intuitive, even down to her...

Cant keep up
There's too much going on. We are all just way too overwhelmed. There's just not nearly enough time in therapy when there is this much going on and a trip back to our family coming up in two days. Its...

Good books on DID/ living with DID
Here is a list of our favorite books on being multiple/ DID. There are quite a few books out there these days, but these are the ones that are our favorites because they are written to be helpful, and don't...

Stuffing things down
We have only a few days until we go visit family which is the most stressful time of the year. The only reason we go is because its the only way to see our sister, who wont come here to...

Packing for a Trip
We're trying to get ready for a weekend away. I know our husband thinks we always take a lot of stuff. Its always such an adventure just trying to pack.It'd be great if it was just 1 adult going. We...

Someone to talk to
Its after midnight but I wish so much I had someone to talk to. Last night was so rough and today was such a hard day inside that I just feel completely frazzled and worn out. And I just want...

I just want to be an individual
Therapy sucks sometimes. I wish I could be like everyone else and just go by myself without an entire team following me around. This was going to be my turn to go talk to our therapist. I have been waiting...

Lots of new people/ need time alone
Really overwhelmed. We have lots of new people in our life. People from church and people from husband's job and people from a support group. All within the last few weeks. Its supposed to be good for us but mostly...

Taking a day off work
This is a better day. We have been so stressed out from work. We've been working really hard on something-- its not regular work, its something we're doing for the district that is extra. Its a lot of mental work...

Have to keep our weight UP and e.d. quandries
Well if that isn't just the oddest thing ever, to be told. To have to keep your weight up. How bizzare is that? I dont know. After all this time of trying to eat more, do LESS eating disorder stuff,...

We need to find a scale/ worried about what's going to happen next
its jo. The new girl/old girl who's back/ whoever she is went to see our nutrionist tonight. Boy was that a disaster. She tried answering questions--we haven't been there since February. But then our nutritionist asked who she was talking...

Where did the time go? *losing time*
I am very confused and totally lost, and this is going to sound really weird. And I am only guessing at what i'm supposed to be doing here and getting by on what I've learned in the past week. I...

2 new groups- one church group and one CoDependents Anonymous
Summer has certainly gotten off to a quick start. I've found myself in two new groups for support that are sort of overwhelming to me but I think they're going to be good for me. As soon as I get...

Summer Days
Today is our first actual day of summer off, on our own by ourselves. Its really nice to have days like this. We can all do what we want, when we ant to-- we have free time, and there's no...

When the doctor says "You're too skinny."
This entry really isn't so much about everyone's opinions this is just me wondering out loud. Last time I went to the doctor, recently, he told me I was too skinny and needed to gain some weight. He doesn't know...

Stepping away and summer vacation
Its summer. Some of us have taken steps away from places we used to frequent. Some of the girls inside have gone further inside to get away from conflict and too many feelings. Mae has had some difficult things come...

Just journalling to get some things out, get quiet before bed
This is Caroline. I have had a VERY long day and have a big headache-- I used to not get headaches or get sick, but ever since we've been working together inside, I get headaches now (BLAH). I just thought...

Getting a new psychiatrist
So, we're switching psychiatrists again....

Its hard to say goodbye-- -- and please help support my friend !
This is Caroline. School is coming to an end this year-- thank goodness, because I really can't take much more right now. I'm so overwhelmed, and my paperwork is backed up. But today was one of those days, this beautiful...

Stupid insurance letter.
I feel so stupid and idiotic around my therapist. She is pretty and smart, and I know that she's not perfect and doesn't have it all together, but she sure is miles and miles ahead of us in knowing how...

Separation
There has been a been a pulling back inside ....

I can't make anything make sense
Our brain is not working right....

What a crazy week!
This have been just crazy around here but mostly in a good way....

The Butterfly Story
I found this tonight. It was given to us by our nutritionist several years ago. Its probably passed around from therapist to therapist as some inspirational recovery story. The Butterfly Story........

Dealing with people you can't stand, making progress, asking for help, and writing a book
Well this has certainly been an interesting week, to say the least. It started out all tragical, of course, having ex-friend say we're crazy in every sense of the word. That was until we talked to a few people and...

Learning
Some people, especially people who are total jerks, are just not worth my time....

Self-destruct cycle
I haven't been doing okay at all for a few days....

What Caroline didn't write in that last post
This is jo. Caroline wrote a lot in that last entry about friends, but what she didn't say was how much responsibility WE have. Our therapist says otherwise, but i just know that somehow, everything that happened with the old...

Old friends vs. new friends
This is Caroline. You know that saying, "Make new friends, but keep the old"? Well, we certainly have a problem with that one. Both making new friends AND keeping the old are just about impossible for us. A lot of...

Relationships among alters
So we are trying to figure this out. Who are we to each other? What do we call each other?...

Therapy
Agh....

There but by the Grace of God go I...
It is so strange to be in the place that I am in at the end of this school year. Several years ago I was in a school that I hated with bosses that I couldn't stand. Now I am...

Up late
This is just me, up late and babbling....

Not so much a happy Easter
what a stupid ridiculous day and i handled it REALLY BADLY. my husband works at church in the choir so he is always gone. so today i woke up and he was gone, but had left out a basket for...

i just want to scream.
I just want to scream because I am so frustrated....

Being the caretaker
This is Caroline. Today I went to see our therapist-- we got to have an extra session this week, because we have a couple of days off for Easter vacation, and I'm so grateful. I meant to go in and...

What an anorexic mind thinks is "thin enough".
I think the girl in this photo has a perfect body. THIS is what I want to look like....

I love Billy Blanks Tae Bo Fat Blasting Workouts, I guess....
Lately I guess I have lost some weight. I can't actually see it. For some reason all my clothes have been getting bigger on me, some of them way bigger, like my pants. But it just makes me wonder if...

I hate myself.
Sometimes I feel like I should just be locked away and never seen again, like that would be the best thing for everyone. All of you who write stupid snarky mean comments on my blog sometimes, go ahead and have...

Waiting anxiously. I just want it to be Tuesday afternoon!
Time is going by so slowly... it always does, but lately even more so... and I am waiting anxiously to get to my next therapy appointment on Tuesday....

i just ruin everything
this is pilgrim. i had therapy today....

Remake of the Sybil movie
There is supposed to be a movie coming out based on the old "Sybil" movie-- the one with Joanne Woodward and Sally Field. Sybil is based on a book by Flora Rheta Schreiber, about a lady that had something like...

Where Sensory Integration & Aspergers fit into the story
This is Caroline... I am going to include this for Pilgrim...something that she wrote. She in particular has problems with Asperger's Syndrome and Sensory Integration. It is mainly her in particular, although Mae has problems with those things a little...

I'll do anything I can
Today I was thinking about how much has changed in the last 10 years of our life. Its too much to list here, but no matter how much we are still struggling inside with a lot of things, our life...

Postsecret.com and my own secret life
Tonight I was thinking about the popularity of PostSecret and the books that has followed. Also its offshoot, my favorite, LiveJournalSecret (it posts secrets several times a week). What is it that compels some people to tell everything, while other...

Emotional Rollercoaster. Wheee!!!! .....Not fun.
What I'm trying to write down probably won't make much sense, as it's difficult to type and hard to connect my thoughts together. All weekend long things have been very switchy, and all of us are on a huge emotional...

Comments on Journals
There are no implied rights to posting a comment. Free speech means you can say what you feel you need to say without the GOVERNMENT coming down on you, not me. If you decide to be an insensitive idiot your...

Dealing with grief again
One of the most important people in the world has died. She wasn't someone that anyone would recognize. She was never on television. She never invented anything. She most certainly did NOT make a lot of money. But she was...

Self-injury
This is a video off of youtube. It may trigger so please be careful. Short on words this week...this video works instead. http://youtube.com/watch?v=t9k6-_eHhcg&mode=related&search=...

My therapy session was cancelled
Our therapist e-mailed us today and cancelled our session for tonight. Finding out by e-mail is a really crappy, cruddy way to find out. All day long I was waiting for my phone to ring to see if she'd call,...

Triggered
Things have been rather unsettled for us for a few days. It's getting better, but the past few days have been really rough so no one has written. Therapy on Tuesday was really hard-- I think we already wrote about...

There is so much I need to learn
Hey all its Caroline. Well things are as always quite busy which you know is how I like it and how I keep things. I realize that's pretty much my fault that I'm swamped with work all the time. I...

Yoga, College, School, and Stress
So much goes on every day that its hard to think about what to ever say on the days I have time to write. I've been doing yoga on the days that I have time in an effort to...

What happened to Mae, Pilgrim, and the beginning of Caroline
Last week, Mae talked about the day that she "disappeared" in order to get away from her mean kindergarten teacher who was yelling at her. She went to this very strict Baptist school where nothing was tolerated and you had...

All stressed out and nowhere to go
Good evening, this is Caroline. Things are just crazy at work still. However, things are getting done bit by bit. One major project is near completion since I have been working on it like crazy on several weekends. I also...

Unending grief
Its jo. Someone on tv just said something (I wasn’t expecting) about a man being caught in his car when it caught on fire…and how the man kept screaming and screaming, and how you could smell him burning up. And...

A Bright spot in my day.
This is Caroline. Today was overwhelming with the arrival of a new child in our class but there was one giant good spot which really brightened my day. Today one of my old kids came back. He is almost 7...

There are 2 groups I want to join...
Remember when we tried to join a trauma group at the Women's Center last summer? I really wanted to get in... this lady even had to INTERVIEW me... I lost it in the parking lot beforehand. It was so scary...

High Pain Tolerance: inherited or dissociated?
Whenever I go to the chiropractor to try to deal with this back pain I've had for years (its pretty bad sometimes), they have this REALLY cool... machine thing... I'm not sure what it is called. It has some electrodes...

crismas
this be mae well you no i did be so woreed that i wudnt get a presint . becos i did be bad befor and di mess up. i dint get ene presintd from santa. but my big sister her...

Handling alters who dont get along
Its such a fight every week. We are always fighting over who gets to do what and when. Everyone has their own things they like to do. Like Caroline likes to read books about children all the time or look...

New Years Goals
Well I'm completely exhausted and worn out, which can only mean one thing... tomorrow I go back to work. One of these days, my "vacations" are truly going to be vacations. I haven't had a day off yet on this...

My year in review
The Year in Review So here we are sitting up on New Year’s Eve working on …well, work…trying to catch up on things since we were gone all of vacation. Do we know how to party or what? Sitting here...

Coming home...from home.-- A ramble.
I've been gone for over a week. Out of town, visiting family. There are a lot of miles between us now. When I left home, out of necessity and fear for my life (ex boyfriend stalking me), that was the...

the comfort of a weighted blanket
Two of the other things that Pilgrim deals with (herself, not necessarily all of us) are Asperger's Syndrome and Sensory Integration issues. Information on Aspergers: http://www.udel.edu/bkirby/asperger/ Information on Sensory Integration: http://sinetwork.org/faq/index.html#whatisspd One of the problems that several of us inside...

holiday stress DID style
Things are worse. Depression is worse and not sleeping and flashbacks are going on all the time. Mae wishes she was dead and didn't get to talk to our therapist last night and she went in upset,didn't get to talk,...

Not doing so great
Been worrying constantly so we always have a bad stomach ache and always nauseous. Having nightmares about ex-boyfriend every night and all the abuse he did and all the bad things he said and did. About how we kept saying...

Lonely
We're so lonely. Its amazing that with a dozen people inside, you can still be lonely. We need outside people around. Missing old friends. http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a107/EveryoneInside/dream.jpg...

i dont have the words
words-- they're too hard to find. lonely scared worried need to run need to cut have to run away trapped I feel like a caged animal. I've been home sick all week. Its the flu or something. But I...

Sponsor a soldier
We may not have much, but we can give away what we do have. Its so fun to send people presents. Here is the link for the Treats for Troops program-- Please be a part of it! Treats for Troops...

I can't believe I did that.
It was just like a year or 2 ago that everyone started calling me jo. they wanted me to just choose a name. because i just called myself nobody. T didnt want everyone just calling me nobody, and she didn't...

This is how I feel today (photo link)
We've been busy making art projects lately... this is how I feel today... http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a107/EveryoneInside/longtime.jpg...

A simple trip to the store
Usually I don't go out at night. We live in a big city, there is a lot of traffic, and the inside kids are scared of the dark. But tonight I needed to go to the store to buy some...

Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving was difficult. We went to see my husband's family. They are really nice people. I like really nice people. I wanted to sit and talk with them. I wanted to sit and chat and have turkey and just sit...

Leaving the Dark Side
Well, the kids have been watching the Star Wars Marathon on a couple of the cable channels for about a week and a half now, so nearly everything going on in our life has had some sort of Star Wars...

Sad Hearts
We have really sad hearts around here the past couple days. Its hard to talk about. We just want to be back at home with our sister. And be there with her. We just want to be there. Things are...

I want to join the witness protection program
Just FYI, i am going to join the witness protection program. YOU HAVE NOT SEEN ME. Got it? its jo. Tuesday was a hard session-- not bad, but hard. My therapist said I worked hard.But afterwards in the parking lot...

Health Insurance just sucks.
I am so incredibly frustrated and depressed. It feels like I had a big pile of rocks dropped on my head tonight once again. A few weeks ago I let people who care about me finally convince me that I...

The Joyful Heart Foundation
One of my favorite tv shows is Law & Order:Special Victims Unit. And Olivia is our favorite character on the show. The person who plays Olivia, Mariska Hargitay, is the president and founder of The Joyful Heart Foundation. Its a...

We made it through October
We're so happy that its November. Just surviving October, which is ALWAYS the worst month of the year for me, is reason for celebration. Waking up on November 1st always calls for a "Happy November!" song. However, this year, we...

Changing inside
It feels like the inside of us is dizzy. I dont know how to explain it but things feel different inside, not just... emotions but also physical. The past week or so has been ...confusing. Trying to look back and...

switching around inside
things are switching around inside we have been sick, and have had a high fever. the kind where you can't get comfortable and have strange dreams, and funny things happen while you're away because your brain is too hot. it...

Mental Health Day... sort of
We took today off of work. Partly because 1)I think I've got the flu, or else its a really bad cold and I'm all overly medicated and 2)its a sad anniversary day today today so yesterday I could barely function...

Overwhelmed and about to lose my minds.
I'm so overhwlmed the past couple of weeks and it keeps getting worse. My dog is sick and at the vets, my husband needs surgery, our bills are piling up. My paycheck went down this year, because the government must...

My family
I'm being reminded in a major way why I had to move away from my family. Its because they drive me INSANE. There is no communication in my family. They are always busy and I am always left out. Its...

Comfort Food
Right now i just have to stay away from everything including myself. I'm going through something really hard at home but I dont have anyone to talk to and i need to talk to someone so bad. I have a...

The others feel like I'm a traitor
This is Caroline. I have been pronounced a traitor by the rest of the girls inside. Remember the "best friend" who suddenly out of nowhere disappeared a couple years ago? The one who scared us half to deal because we...

Emotional upheaval
I am going crazy . I got barely any sleep last night . I couldn't shut my brain off when I woke up in the middle of the night-- too much talking in my head. So when it was...

I knew I had that one coming....
On Monday I went to see my dietician. She is really great. But she's been wanting us to keep track of EVERY single thing we eat for the past week and write it down. This is our 2nd attempt at...

Being pro-active about this fall & its usual troubles
Its well-known (unfortunately) that fall is a hard time for us. October is the usual downfall. All summer, and into September, everyone is doing ok. Then October 1st hits, with its anniversary of the 1st date, and things quickly plummet...

How do I believe that it wasn't my fault?
this is just jo. i went to therapy tonight after mae had a chance to talk. i dont know what is wrong with me. Been in therapy for 6 years and she's tried every angle she can think of. I...

DID adventure at the dietician
This morning I went to see my nutritionist. I love her. She weighed me though-- I have lost more weight. She isn't exactly thrilled with me. I did an ok job recording in my food logs, but she says that...

YouTube video on multiple personalities
YouTube seems to be one of the biggest crazes lately, and I spend a lot of time zoning out to various videos there when I need to just relax. They have a bunch of rather stupid videos that they say...

Bad memories floating away in a balloon
Therapy has been intense lately. Tonight I came home and I'm exhausted. Mae tried to take our T some new crayons that she bought her but they melted in the car :( But they did open the box in therapy...

Went out to lunch, and a good therapy session last week.
Today we went out to lunch with a couple of friends. Ate a sandwich and and a soda. Chatted some and even laughed. Mostly talked about work, which is a safe area. But the good thing was, it was for...

The government must hate teachers
For months now, my state has been building up hype about giving teachers a terrific pay raise. We've heard about it on the news and in the papers, and talk has been going around my school district and in the...

Organizing my thoughts
I havent written in a little over a week. It isn't that I dont have anything to say. I have way too many things to say. Its just that I can't organize my thoughts. Too many things going on inside....

Handling September 11
Is there anyone on Earth who doesn't know that tomorrow is the 5th anniversary of the attack on the World Trade Center? Its everywhere. All weekend long on television there are programs. Its in the newspaper and in magazinesand...

Forum for people with dissociative identity disorder: update
I just wanted to let readers know that I have updated A Mind's Journey, our online community for people with dissociative disorders. Recently we've added some new forums, such as a place for members to share their story with other...

Videos for your inner child on YouTube
We have been spending hours on Youtube.com watching videos of animals to give the kids something to do whenever the grown ups are trying to relax and take a break from work. Here are some really good ones! Kittens: Guinea...

Identity-- how do you know who you are?
The past couple of weeks in therapy, my therapist has been talking about how she doesn't know very much about me. Me--Pilgrim,me. The supposedly "core" person, the original. She was saying how it seems like everyone else-- Mae, Jo, Caroline,...

Its too hard to do on my own
dammit, forget it. i dont want to see any of my words up.yes, everyone, i left your comments....

My nervous breakdown starts NOW
Hi everyone this is Caroline. I'm sorry we haven't had much time to update our journals the past few weeks. We've been back to work for around 3-4 weeks, and since I'm mentoring some new teachers and on some committees...

Worrying what people think of me
I got made fun of today. It really shouldn't bother me. I'm trying not to let it. Trying to keep it in perspective. But knowing myself, I'm going to stew over it for a while and let it hurt my...

Ode to Back to School Insanity, by Caroline
Oh how I wish I could make my paperwork just go Away. Oh how I wish IEP's would come again some other day. Lesson plans need to disappear. What I need is a listening ear. Fifteen hours of work a...

Donations for Classrooms & Teachers
Now that school is starting again around the country I wanted to once again tell everyone about a website called donorschoose.org where teachers can register their classrooms. Its at this site where you can list things that you need for...

Group therapy for DID
Sometimes I wonder why I even go to group. i ran out again. slammed the door, and ran out. i am such a stupid fat disaster of an idiot. it wasn't me that went. it was Caroline. It started off...

Trying to make friends and having DID
Tomorrow is the 1st day of school and I'm trying to make some new friends this year. So far it has been going ok. We have a few new teachers at my school, and they are very nice. I'm supposed...

Saying No and avoiding over-commitment
Well we are back to work this week and things have been busy, hectic, and overwhelming. Things are going well though. I actually said no to something tonight. A lady called wanting me to be the building rep. for our...

A normal thought in my head for the 1st time!
I have been self-injuring since I was about 8 years old in 1 way or another. Its never bothered me. It makes me feel better, and I look forward to it-- I see it as a comfort. Cutting, seeing blood,...

A weight crisis, eating disorder help
My treatment team didnt want me to know my weight. I KNOW I SHOULDNT KNOW MY WEIGHT. NOT ready to hear it. NO NO NO. Yesterday I went to a new doctor. His nurse put me on the scale-- I...

Sybil (30th Anniversary Two-Disc Special Edition)
Cool news if you like this movie-- the Sybil (30th Anniversary Two-Disc Special Edition)- is now available at Amazon.com Click here to get it! Since its a new DVD, it has some extra features on it....

Let me try to update
I'll try to update everyone a little. Its challenging because my mind is running slowly from exhaustion. I also can't pay attention to myself or my own thoughts! On Wednesday I have an appointment with my therapist and my...

I am home
I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm home. I'm exhausted right now, but I'm back. I will write more later....

Off on an adventure.
I am going to go off on an adventure for a week. So I won't be writing here for several days. I just didn't want anyone to think I fell off the face of the Earth. I'll be back on...

Being more present in my own life- pros and cons
My therapist wanted me to write a list of pros and cons of being more present in my life and in my therapy sessions. Instead of me disappearing all the time...instead of losing time all the time and never knowing...

making myself crazy
I think I am making my own self crazy right now. I'm trying hard to calm down my body and my mind so I can get to sleep. I'm scared to go see my T tomorrow. I desperately need to...

I can't sleep.... inside my head.
Maybe its because my dosage of Wellbutrin XL just got upped to 450 mg the 2 days ago, or maybe its because of all the really hard stuff that happened last week at the tail end of therapy that left...

Marriage and relationship advice for Multiples
I found this article online tonight: http://www.keeperskorner.com/articles_SignificantOthers.shtml#MarriageForMultiples by John Whitmore, at a website called "Keepers Korner", I believe it's called. Its a good site with some excellent things to say. If you love someone who's a multiple...please read the article...

really screwed up
She cant handle news that one of the kids told her today. In therapy. There was only 10 minutes left. She got left hanging. Therapist said she was sure she could handle it. She said she knew she couldn't. Guess...

Childhood flashbacks
This is so strange. I have been thinking about it a while, i just havent written it down or talked about it. I remember being in 1st and 2nd grade, and having flashbacks,especially in school. A certain smell of food...

panic attacks and losing time
Mae has been having panic attacks every day and every night the past couple of weeks. Its kept us awake at night and kept my heart beating fast during the day. I think I may have finally partly figured out...

On "multiple personality disorder is fake"
Someone on TV just mentioned about some murderer got diagnosed with multiple personality disorder to try to get out of committing a crime. Because “he didn’t do it.” OH MY GOD. That‘s a pathetic excuse. I hate it when people...

Independence and Interdependence
Independence is not something that comes easily around here. Its more like we have to have interdependence [n : a reciprocal relation between interdependent entities (objects or individuals or groups).] But that is SO not what we all want. We...

Some thoughts on Integration
I just finished reading a book called The Magic Daughter,a true about a woman with DID who integrates near the end. (Its an excellent book, by the way-- highly recommend it.) It had me thinking last night about integration. When...

dissension in the ranks
For some reason this week, emotions are running high inside. Don’t know why. We are crashing into each other, with memories crashing into each other. Words crashing into each other. Ever since on Monday when Mae asked our therapist about...

Two Year Anniversary-- DID support website
Today's the 2 year anniversary of our website, A Mind's Journey. It seems so strange that 2 years have passed since we started it with another friend. That friend has, along with nearly all the others, disappeared. Thankfully my friend...

On Friends and DID and everything
Sometimes I’m so lonely and feeling so bad about everything that it feels like I can’t take 1 more minute of it. And yet I know I’ve got days, and months…and YEARS of it left to deal with. My...

I've been tagged
I've been tagged by a meme. I like getting these. Here is mine filled in for today: Four jobs I have had in my life: 1.teacher 2.babysitter 3.office helper 4.ice cream scooper Four movies I would watch over and over:...

Wow, actual insight: not bad, just different
Therapy was really helpful today. It was so good to get to talk to my therapist after being on vacation for so long. Mae must have talked to her first although I'm not sure what about. It could have been...

But I dont remember. DID and memories.
the other night, my sister and I were watching old home movies (we video taped ourselves doing everything)-- there were some I haven’t seen since we did them back in the early 1990’s… it was so strange to see...

Real Places
I'm still on vacation with my family.I just got off the phone with my husband. It was so nice to hear my husband's voice. There are a lot of memories here still haunting me. Last night I slept in my...

update from jo
My therapist sent me an email and says that she agrees with the decision to not go be in that group right now. That was really hard to hear. I was afraid she would be mad though. But she said...

I didn't make it :(
I got a phone call tonight... I didn't make it into the trauma group that I got interviewed for last Friday. They think it isn't the right time or something . "Maybe" next time, in 6 months (right in the...

I hereby resign
I, Pilgrim, hereby resign as the "out front" person. * I GIVE UP. As of NOW. I officially cannot do anything right and I'm sick of it. Oh and by the way, showing feelings SUCKS. I've always wanted to try...

The world coming to an end
Panic attacks are back again the past several days. Its been years since this was a regular problem. We used to take Ativan for them. The last time we had to take that was probably 5 years ago. Right now...

Words I needed to hear today
I receive a lot of comments on this website. Nearly 600 so far are logged. There are some that really just make my day... especially those that come from regular readers. There are some of you who respond to our...

Getting ready for a trip home
In a few days I'll be heading south to visit my family. I'm trying to get prepared. Not only packing my suitcase but getting things inside my head ready too. The hardest part-- well, there are 3 hardest parts. 1)...

Assessment update
This has been a really bad afternoon. I had a panic attack in the parking lot before the group assessment and froze up. Completely spaced out. I barely remember the assessment. Jo mostly talked. I cant remember much. I know...

Trauma group therapy assessment tomorrow
There is this group at the Womens Center that my therapist has wanted me to join, well they finally got ahold of me today, the group starts June 20th and runs for 6 weeks. But they want me to come...

Memorial Day
In the middle of your picnics and your retail sales, please remember... they gave up their lives so we could live free. [Click on the link] Download file...

The Effects of loneliness
Loneliness can raise your blood pressure, make you sick, lead to sleepless nights, and even make your life shorter. I don't actually have any friends. Not in real life. My sister is my friend, but we live on different sides...

Massages and boundaries
There is a lady who has become quiet a nice addition to my life. She is an older lady who works at one of the spas here in the city. I've come to think of her as "my masseuse". Now...

fighting off a total meltdown
Still very, very overwhelmed. The school year SO.NEEDS.TO.BE.OVER!!! my body has been shaking today from all the stress i'm under and then today someone needed MORE work from me and then i needed to stay later at work also. and...

Its a crazy life here
One more week of school and then maybe I will start feeling like a human being again. Everything has been absolutely insane all week. I go in early, stay late, and work through lunch to try to get tons of...

Mothers Day
this just is not the best of days, no one here handles it very good i guess not even Caroline.stirs up too many memories. Mae gets so sad too even when she remembers when there were nice times when she...

pulled in too many directions
*Beware* I'm exhausted and whiney today.... Everyone is driving me crazy and i hate it. Its too much pressure and it just makes things more crazy inside and I just want to disappear inside and not come out. People inside...

I've been tagged--- a little about me.
I AM .... alone. a child. a teacher. a wanderer. a worrier. a soldier. an artist. a writer. a loner. I WANT....comfort. a kitten. a baby. a hug from my therapist. I WISH.... for peace. for everyone to have love,...

Change of e-mail for Pilgrim/ Myspace.com
If you have been e-mailing me personal comments, please make sure you have my new e-mail address. Click on the link to the right where it says "Email me" and that will take you to my new address. I also...

Its that time of year
I am overwhelmed. Trying to finish up the school year. We have 3 weeks left and then it's summer. Right now I've got a stack of paperwork on my desk that keeps growing instead of shrinking, no matter how much...

I am worried sick, and chaos inside
I have so much chaos in my head right now. And I'm worrying myself sick. All day I've been pacing and I barely got any sleep last night. Cant calm down. Keep trying to take deep breaths but its difficult....

In limbo
It feels like time is standing still. Everything... has just come to a stop. At least in my world. And if its this hard for me, I can't imagine what its like for my sister. She is going to the...

Adopt-A-Classroom and OPRAH Magazine
Caroline wants to put a plug in here about a program we read about in OPRAH magazine this week. There is a program found at JNYINTHECLASSROOM.ORG that has programs such as Adopt a Classroom. You can sponsor classrooms there and...

a volcano about to erupt
thats what it feels like inside\ cant talk about the flashbacks, nightmares with our therapist until who knows when. until she makes some random decision that we're "safe enough " to theres too much going on and inside its just...

Its been 1 year since inpatient
OH my gosh... I just realized tonight that it has been one year since I signed myself into the hospital. I just went and checked earlier dates on my journal here. I am not sure what to think. I'm afraid...

There's no bad guy here
this is jo. today we went to therapy.i had a lot i needed to talk about but I didn't talk at all. but i was listening. my therapist said something about she kind of does get mad when we're pushing...

Clarification on my last post re: inpatient treatment
When I was talking about the cost of inpatient care ($44,000 freaken bucks) at the place with the best treatment---- -I was talking about the place that I feel would be the best place FOR ME. The place where I...

Cost of Inpatient Treatment
Since my therapist is so intent that I need to be in a treatment center, on a whim I e-mailed a few places in various places around the United States to ask about treatment costs, whether they take insurance (which...

get me out of here.
*warning* i feel trapped. i am about to pull my hair out. i am trying so hard not to scream. i need sleep. desperately. i want to slice my arms up until there is no skin left. i want to...

They say its all psychsomatic. Maybe I'm just psycho.
Today I cried so hard on the way to work that I made myself sick. Not throwing up sick, I just felt like it though. I must have been getting sick anyway and crying so hard just pushed me over...

Violent dreams and screwing up again and building up inside
Guess what we did this time? Not only can I not do things good enough for 1)my family 2)my job 3)my therapist and 4)my husband, I've gone and screwed up MORE. Mae and I have both been having really violent...

i be so sad
i did get to say somthing to my T today but i still dont be going to talk to her i did get to say i miss h er her say we got to be good a long long time...

Peeps Research
I am a big Peeps fan. Yes, in the spirit of Easter and in the Celebration of our Risen Lord... lets not forget to down a few boxes of pink, yellow, and blue marshmallow fluff!!! This site is too good...

Do's and Don’ts for Singleton Friends of Multiples:
I found this online tonight at AbuseConsultants.com, and it resonated so much with me that I just HAD to post it. These are just a few off the list, the ones I felt are really important to me. The rest...

Looks good on the outside.
Its almost Easter and this is supposed to be a time of celebration and Spring and new life. But all I seem to be able to feel right now is hopelessness. Maybe its just being tired. Maybe its just because...

This totally wasn't fair.
Today at therapy was completely not fair. I know she thinks she doing the right thing but it isn't. But who's going to listen to me? I'm just a "Fragment" and not a real person. I heard that word come...

Dream World of dissociation
Between feeling extremely unsafe, too much pressure in my head from a never-ending sinus infection, Mae being upset, and being exhausted, I cannot stop dissociating today. Even when I try to. I keep dissociating. I feel like I'm in a...

i wish I was good
this just is mae. i be haveing a bad nite we did get in trorbol and i been hiding in my room i dont like it when pepol say bad words he say the same thing daddy wuld yell at...

Loving your Inner Child.... well, its a start!
It used to be that I couldn't STAND any of the others who share my body with me. ESPECIALLY Mae, the 5 year old. She was just my "inner child" out of control, I thought. I used to just wish...

Working together in therapy today
Therapy was much better today. Everyone who wanted to talk to our T, got to talk. We took turns and worked together. Mae, Pilgrim, and Jo all got to talk to our therapist, and the switching all blended together much...

Selling my life away on Ebay
In order to keep up with all the bills that come in, in between therapy, cardiologists, dentists (to repair a broken tooth ...... in a long story kept short, it was basically all because of my eating disorder and dissociation),...

Just DO it.
I barely know where to start with an update for this week. My life is always an adventure. I'm sitting here after a pretty lousy day and trying to find an upside to it (it's over with! things could have...

Meal plan and losing my mind
Well THAT didn't go well. I love my nutritionist. I've been seeing her for years. We usually joke around and laugh a lot and look at pictures and stuff. My T used to work in the same office suite...

People are from Mars, I'm from another Galaxy
Today I feel like I must be from not just a different planet, but an entirely different Galaxy. I can't relate to anyone. I am so far away from everyone else. So. My therapist wants me to come up with...

Inpatient, Inpatient, Inpatient, and major frustration
All my therapist seems to want to talk about is getting me into a treatment center. All I want to talk about is staying OUT of one. We are definitely at odds. I need to talk about a lot of...

So much for a happy welcome back. ALL MY FAULT.
My therapist came back today from vacation and I was really hoping it would be a good session. The past few days Mae and the kids were so excited and I prayed that today would go by fast so we...

Treatment Centers for DID/MPD
I have been doing research online for treatment centers for DID/MPD. There is one site that has a comprehensive list on it: Try this link . I don't know how updated the list is-- it is at least a couple...

Flashbacks, Nightmares, My Skin is on Fire
I haven't had as many nightmares lately. Its been a little easier to sleep since I've been so tired out. But last night made up for everything. I had this terrible nightmare last night that my dad raped me. It...

Books on Multiple Personality Disorder/ Books on DID
It can be hard to find good books on Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD) ...also known nowadays as Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). I have found a great site online that has a very long list of books on MPD/DID and it...

My therapist is on vacation
Spring Break is upon us (not for me yet) and so a lot of therapists are heading off on much-needed vacations. Mine is gone this week also. Its always hard when she's gone. I handle it a LOT better than...

DID diagnosis in children
I found some really interesting information tonight on DID/MPD diagnosis in children tonight and just wanted to share it. It is from http://www.empty-memories.nl/article.html What was so interesting to me, personally, was that I could have been diagnosed in KINDERGARTEN, had...

Treatment centers for DID and eating disorders....
Well. I went to therapy today. After an extremely frustrating and challenging day at work (all ended up ok, but I didn't know that at the time I headed to therapy) so I went to therapy a big bundle of...

Not another one.
I do not even want to BELIEVE this one. JEEEESH. So, I've been having trouble with more eating disorder stuff lately. Some part the other night took over while I was journaling, this part we've all assumed is "The Fat...

A night that changed me forever
I hope we have time to talk about this in therapy today. I woke up crying this morning from a dream about an old friend. She died in a car accident right after high school graduation. The accident was her...

SYBIL movie
Here are a couple of links to updates on the famous "Sybil" movie starring Sally Field that came out in the 1970s... there is going to be a DVD version released this year, and also, CBS is working on a...

SYBIL movie
Here are a couple of links to updates on the famous "Sybil" movie starring Sally Field that came out in the 1970s... there is going to be a DVD version released this year, and also, CBS is working on a...

Things to do in the middle of the night when you're not tired...
1. Refresh the message boards I post on every 10 seconds, to see if anyone has posted anything new & exciting, or at least dramatic that I could read and reply to (they haven't-- its the middle of the night--...

Bravery,my stress test, and friends.
Today I was really brave. I went to visit old friends where I used to work. Usually I stay home and just think about visiting them, and stay busy wishing I could, but stay stuck on the couch. Today I...

Progress in therapy
I've been thinking about progress I've made since I've been in therapy, so I started making a list. Here is what I've come up with so far this morning: (It's not complete yet-- I'll add more as I think of...

Changing Core Beliefs
My therapist has been trying for years to help me change my core beliefs about myself-- the "I'm bad, I'm a horrible person, I'm worthless" thoughts that strangle me every day. We have been working really hard on that the...

a Survivor's Group
My therapist e-mailed me yesterday that she wants me to join a couple of groups at this Womens Center in our city. I called today during my break and talked to someone there. It was kind of hard. She wanted...

Just a very frustrating day.
I was really looking forward to therapy today. Last week went so well. And I worked really, really hard on the homework I had for this week. We were working on mindfulness, and core beliefs that I have, and a...

Yet another website on multiple personalities!
Yes, another one, but this one is different-- its ours, and its been updated today. That makes it different than the other billion personal DID websites out there. Keep in mind, its not much, and its a work in progress....

Mindfulness
One of the things that was in my homework for this week for therapy was to learn about the concept of Mindfulness. I did a lot of reading on it today and found it really helpful. I printed out about...


Feeling really switchy tonight. All day. The past several hours its been a fight between me and someone else to see who gets to do what they want. I need someone to talk to so badly and I'm so lonely,...

Books on Multiple Personalities
Here is a link to books on Multiple Personalities at Amazon.com. Books on Multiple Personalities I have read quite a handful of them, and most of them are good. A few are real klunkers, but most are good attempts at...

How to treat someone with multiple personalities
Someone posted a comment today about how to approach someone they think is a multiple and how they can make it safe for their friend to talk to them. So I'm going to post some ideas and suggestions that some...

Good news, We're Normal!
Good news tonight from therapy, our T was looking through Pilgrim's & our collages and stuff and said we're normal, hurray! Have no idea what she meant by it but if the word "normal" comes out of a therapist's mouth......

Positives about everyone inside
We saw on someone’s website… they were describing all their inside people. In POSITIVE, nice ways. That’s an odd idea. We have been too wrapped up in talking about each other like our families talk about each other-- negative. And...

the Patience of Job
In the job I have, I need a lot of patience. Oftentimes on the way to work, I pray for patience because I work with young children who take years and years to learn simple concepts that most kids pick...

Being recognized by someone I dont know
I had such an odd experience the other day. It hasn't happened in quite a few years, and I guess that's why it threw me off. One of those things-that-happen-to-multiples-but-lets-pretend-won't-happen-to-me-anymore things. A lady came up to me the other day...

the death of a child
There is something so wrong when a child dies. The world just turns upside down. A small life cut short in a few breaths. It isnt fair. Its something you can't fix no matter how hard you try. There are...

Simon Birch
Therapy is too confusing and too hard right now. It just occurred to me that I'm not even sure if I WENT to therapy last night. I am pretty sure that jo went. But then again, I dont remember at...

People use 10% of their brains>
There's so much inside my head that it doesn't all fit. Doesn't fit inside my head, doesn't fit inside my body. Everyone inside has their own thoughts and their own memories, but it all has to fit inside one...

Therapy and home: a paradox
The skills I'm learning in therapy make me feel so much better. I'm learning to speak up, to use my voice, to think for myself, to set boundaries. It makes me feel like I get to be myself. Even at...

Self-destruction after therapy
This is just me jo. Sorry if this doesn’t make sense in some parts, my head is hurting a lot from things going on inside. I feel like I’m back in my fog. I want to cut so bad and...

Escaping and sleep
I slept away the entire weekend! Ah, the joy of being so out of it that I dont know a thing that's going on.This is Pilgrim. I couldn't really say much about what's gone on this whole weekend,except that I've...

Bottled up feelings, making eye contact
I'm carrying a lot of bottled of feelings again. I want to get them out, but even when I'm talking to my therapist (the only person in the world I have to talk to), I can't really let myself talk....

Helping traumatized children
Helping children who have been through rough times is part of my job. And I'm pretty good at it. But I dont know why we just can't seem to help Mae. For the past 2 weeks or so, Mae has...

Denial
It ISNT denial when I tell T that those bad things didnt happen to me!!! they just happened to my body! NOT ME! My body is NOT ME. Why does she says thats denial? It bugs me so much when...

Questions about DID
Someone recently asked some really good questions about DID on my website, and I'd like to share my answers here as well. I thought they were excellent,respectful questions about DID. The answers are only from MY knowledge and experience,on research...

My biological clock is ticking hard....
I wish I could be a mom. My sister is pregnant right now, and there are times when I get jealous of her. I want to know what it feels like to have a baby inside me, growing-- a miracle....

The new year is off to a good start
So far things are going fairly well for 2006. I have been eating better and getting some exercise, hoping making healthy decisions. There's been a lot of switching going on though. ugh... its happening again right now--- my head is...

Online Personality Disorder Test
I took this online test for personality disorders tonight. Here is the address if you want to take it yourself: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv Disorder | Rating Paranoid: Low Schizoid: Moderate Schizotypal: High Antisocial: Low Borderline: Moderate Histrionic: Low Narcissistic: Low Avoidant: High...

Making plans for the New Year & the Emancipation Proclamation
We've come to some realizations as we make plans to usher in 2006. Some of which my therapist has challenged us to ponder and write down and study as the new year comes in. It sounds and feels unbelievable, but...

Merry Christmas!!
I am having a great Christmas today. We got WONDERFUL presents. Every year we do. Mae got some dolls and she is SO happy. Christmas is so much fun to open presents, but its the most fun to watch people...

On vacation
Right now I'm out in the Northwest on vacation with my family. That's why I haven't written this week. Things are going pretty well so far. Dealing with food, old memories and old ghosts is difficult at times, but all...

D.I.D. support group
i am not going back to group anymore. i can't take it. i dont have the money for gas to drive half an hour into another city to sit there and listen to the same people talk about the same...

Christmas vacation
I made it to Christmas vacation :) Completely exhausted and I feel like I can't do anything right lately. I desperately need sleep and a good massage and a good therapy session that isn't so difficult for a change. I...

Managing willful ( stubborn!) children, and switching problems
And no, I'm not talking about the children in my class, although right now, this post could be about them as well. What I'm talking about right now is the kids inside who are frustrating us adults AND our therapist...

Losing weight, and how we all see ourselves
Some good news. I'm happy to report that I've lost a couple pounds and fit into a pair of jeans that I haven't been able to for a while. The meds I'm on make me lose my appetite. Not the...

stress causing more dissociation
This week has been difficult. There are several things at home and at work that are causing stress in addition to some new things going on inside our head. Not sleeping much either. It gets into a viscious cycle pretty...

Silence does not imply consent
this is just some artwork jo made. to see... click on the link. it might trigger a bit if you're sensitive. http://www.pixpond.com/1/1w820mn.jpg...

A quote perfect for blogs--
When you live in the shadow of insanity, the appearance of another mind that thinks and talks as yours does is something close to a blessed event. -Robert Pirsig (author of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance) Doesn't that...

Take a look at my new header!!
I designed it all by myself!! You like it? Tracy let me make my own and I get to design one for my sister also. I feel so excited to see it up there this morning!...

Dreams and Christmas wishes
I'm a grump tonight and need to get myself out of this mood. Maybe writing about some happy things will help. Today my sister asked if it would be ok if she bought Mae a Christmas present. Of COURSE its...

I hate myself
Tonight after therapy I went to my car and banged my fist against the steering wheel until it got bruised and swollen and I dissociated and made the screaming in my head stop temporarily. Today I just hate everything about...

The perfect Christmas present
Everyone is making their Christmas lists right now. Even inside kids are-- Mae wants anything that has fairies on it-- especially a fairy doll. Other kids have cut out pictures of toys out of catalogues, from soccer balls to bikes....

Yours, Mine, and Ours...
Has anyone seen the new, updated version of the old Henry Fonda/ Lucille Ball classic yet? I saw it this week with my husband, and thought it was really good. It has created a real dilemma in my mind, though......

Thanksgiving Day, Macy's Parade, Santa, and a little break
This week has been vacation, and everyone's been getting some time to do their own thing. It has been nice. A 2-hour therapy session, which went pretty well. Time to go to the park, time to play on the swings,...

Random acts of kindness for pregnant mothers
PREGNANT MOMMIES DESERVE REST AND SOME EXTRA SPECIAL CARE!! This is my rant today. They are busy helping God create a LIFE INSIDE THEIR BODY!! THIS IS A MIRACLE!! If you know someone who is pregnant, DO SOMETIHNG NICE FOR...

Wellbutrin side effects or just stressed out
I'm not sure if what's going on is a side effect of the Wellbutrin, or if I am just stressed out past my limits. For several days we've been camped out on the couch at home with severe headaches and...

Too raw, too bright, too loud, no skin on
I have always felt too uncontained Too raw too loud too little too crazy Too bright too quiet too happy too sad Too dark too creative too smart too thought-full Too fast too big too weird too inventive too bad...

New ideas to help with time management
Something occurred to me. I want something, that’s mine alone. That the others can’t take away. I want something that’s mine, that they can’t steal away like they do with Time. I always have avoided feelings. My own feelings...

Time management
As it turned out, I was the only one who showed up at group this morning. Made me a little anxious. I was sort of disappointed because I really did have things to talk about this week that I'm having...

Wellbutrin part 2 and eating disorders and Boost
I can see why Wellbutrin is contraindicated for people with eating disorders. Between the Wellbutrin and the Topamax I'm already on, I've completely last my appetite again. I can go 14 hours without eating and not even care. Its actually...

Wellbutrin XL
Well, I did it. I started seeing a new doctor (YAY!) and got on some new meds. Can I just say GOD BLESS THE MAKERS OF WELLBUTRIN XL!!!! Even after just 4 days, I'm starting to have some energy. For...

Pressure to be Perfect
Sometimes I get really frustrated, and I was wondering if anyone can relate, and if anyone has ideas on what I can do about it. I feel like everyone who knows I am a multiple(outside people-- husband, friends, therapist) expects...

Here's Hoping.... a new doctor
Tomorrow I am going to see a new psychiatrist. Please keep your fingers crossed for me. Caroline called several people the last few days, left messages. Only 1 called me back-- this guy. It was odd, because most psychiatrists have...

Co-conciousness with another part
I am trying something new. Listening to another part that I have actually been ignoring for years and years. Things have been really bad the past few weeks, and my therapist wanted both of us to do something different, because...

how to deal with overwhelming feelings in a healthy way
we know, we know, we can't keep doing things like we have been. we have to be the ones that change because we cant change anyone else. have to stop cutting. don't dare purge. its so easy to give in...

therapy sucks some days
this is jo. i dont have a lot to say. i just want someone to know i was here. our therapist worked my butt off in therapy tonight. she said she was proud of me. i'm having a hard time....

a feeling of unreality
This is such a strange day. i am so, so dissociated and i cant get grounded no matter what . I have had such a weird day.my brain is all scattered, i c ant get grounded. i tried taking a...

Finding a Psychiatrist
I need to find a new psychiatrist. My therapist and I were talking about it last night. Time to go psychiatrist shopping again. The one that we have now... she's very...[thinking of a polite word to use] professional ... but...

"I would do anything for love"
Tonight on my walk, I was thinking hard about how ever since I was about 12 years old, I have prayed really, really hard for a friend. Every night since I started to get really lonely, in the 5th or...

Gator-guzzling python comes to messy end
I am posting this article because this offers a good explaination about what it feels like inside for 2 alters to fight to be out front and take control of my body. And its also so similiar to the fight...

What if I just trusted them?
I have been wondering this weekend, what if I just let go of the belief that everything that happened was all my fault? What if I just decided to believe my therapist, my husband, and the other people who...

Starting things I can't finish
i keep starting things i can't make myself finish. i try to write e mails to people i used to talk to. people that are caroline's or pilgrim's friends. then i realize, why would they want to hear from me?...

How do I forgive myself?
Tonight in a 2 hour session, my therapist pushed me really hard. Talking about October and why its so hard... I went in there already close to shutting down. I'm always so quiet and can't make eye contact anyway. She...

Music brings on memories
Tonight my heart is in so much pain I can barely take it. I want to cut so much. I am having a really hard time. My cat died last month. We had to put her down. She was very...

Egg Projectile Therapy
For those of you who aren't familiar with EPT..... This was inspiredby an idea my therapist and I had in 2000 as a way to release frustrations and anger . What you do is, get a flat of eggs, or...

Going back to the scene of the crime
This night. This is when everything changed. This evening, this time of night. This is what Pilgrim wrote somewhere else: 2 or 3 summers ago, I went back to where...to where he took me that night. It was...surreal. Painful. It...

month of october
let me preface this by saying i KNOW this is dumb and it doesnt make sense and its not logical and I KNOW it isn't 19__ anymore and for heavens sake it isn't even OCTOBER yet, October doesn't start til...

Hide and Seek
I want to hide away. Just for the month of October. Its coming. The worst time of year for me. And its coming up so fast. Its so strange how it happens. Its like all the pressure just builds up...

Having D.I.D. is not a game...it is not fun... it SUCKS.
There's a rumor going around somewhere about me. Its nothing even all that bad, per se. I just wish it wasn't going around. People need to mind there own business. But it just emphasizes in my mind how much I...

A dream from an alter's perspective?
I had the strangest dream the other night. I was one of the inside people, actually inside the forest. You know like in that internal landscape that is inside that I have talked about before. Where everyone stays inside when...

School life
Last night we had a bomb dropped on us at work. Let me tell you, if you ever have an administrator start a staff meeting with "I have some bad news to tell you," RUN SCREAMING FROM THE ROOM. Don't...

Where do I find someone to talk to?
Where DO I find someone to talk to ? I am so frustrated with this all of the time. My therapist is wonderful but given that she has a full schedule and a family of her own, she's got 2...

I want to get a cat
I want to help the hurricane victims some more... I am trying to find a way to adopt a cat that has been displaced, someone that needs a home. My cat died a little while ago... and I miss having...

Therapy cancelled and complications
No therapy this week. Something came up in my therapist's family and she won't be in. already i feel worse. that means no outlet this week. appointment to appointment goes by so slow already. i am already so lonely with...

Getting Organized
I am trying to make a list of things that I need to do every day so I don't forget. With so much switching going on and just zoning out... its hard to remember what I do every day, hard...

Online support for Dissociative Disorders and DID
It has been a while since I advertised my online bulletin board for DID so I thought I would re-post the address. A couple of years ago, a friend and I were frustrated because we couldn't find somewhere online where...

I need a professional organizer!!
I need someone to help me get organized!! Like I see on those home makeover shows where someone's office or house is a complete mess, and this professional organizer person comes in, assesses the mess, and brings in all their...

losing time
I thought I was doing better at this, but apparently I am still losing time. It has happened several times just in the past week and again tonight. I was just in another room "for a few minutes" tonight and...

Follow the Yellow brick road.
I am not even sure what to title this post. It feels so strange to be in the place we currently are. For years my therapist has been trying to get us to work together inside. It has been...

Hurricane Katrina donations for animals
One of our biggest concerns is taking care of the animals who are also victims of Hurricane Katrina. Here are a couple websites where people are taking donations to help the animal victims: http://www.noahswish.com/ http://www.aspca.org/site/PageServer Today we cleaned out our...

The Pettiness of my "high gas prices" post.
In a comment, someone criticized me for the pettiness of me complaining about gas prices when there are people out there suffering through the hurricane disaster in my post from yesterday. I absolutely agree. I didn't realize it yesterday. But...

Helping the victims of Hurricane Katrina
At my school things are getting underway to help the victims of hurricane Katrina. I have been feeling so helpless. So I'm glad that there are finally some things I feel like I can do. We're having a penny drive,...

I just have too many things to do. I need some peace and quiet.
AND, OH MY GOSH, Caroline has us signed up for ANOTHER committee!! This time it’s the campus improvement committee, like this nature thing, where we’re going to be planting trees and flowers and putting in new equipment and doing...

Gas Prices are too damn high
Since gas prices have gone up about 50 cents in the past 24 hours, I am hanging on to every drop of gas that's already in my car, and I'm already down to half a tank. I'm not going to...

Godzilla Boy attacks again!
ha ha this is tuck but sometimes i call me GODZILLA BOY.Because i attack the ants and other bad guys on the side walks and smash them. guess what i did today. i sneakt in at school. the teachers werent...

left out
I dont even understand why I feel this way, but I feel left out. Left out of the online communities I belong to, left out of my family, left out of the world, left out at my job somehow too...

Trying to handle triggers a little better, but....
The craft store today. I think I’m going to need to stay out of craft stores for a while. They have their fall and Halloween decorations out and its just not good. I had to run into a craft store...

A different kind of family and a different kind of result?
This week I find myself reminiscing. A special child in my life is going off to college. Jenny. I was practically still a kid myself when she was born. So it isn’t that I feel old or anything. But it...

We saw Fall & Halloween decorations today
For some reason, October is a huge trigger for us. I know of a few "bad things" that happened in Octobers of the past, but I dont know, they just dont seem to explain the wild downfall that happens every...

Mondays and relationships and Inside Kids feeling trapped
Wow, I am so glad that another Monday is over with! I like Mondays-- I really do. I love my job so much that I actually enjoy being at school. Right now though since its the beginning of the school...

I did it! Like a normal person for once!
Last night I made it through dinner like a normal person!! I am so amazed. I ate, I didn't switch and rely on any inside people to handle the dinner and conversation for me, I stayed present the whole time...

Information Overload, no Caroline, and dinner with a new friend
I am going through information overload right now!!! It is always like this at the beginning of every school year, for the first few weeks. This year it is a little harder, for several reasons that I can't really go...

Basic Needs
I'm supposed to go to my eating disorder support group tomorrow night. Supposed to be there every other week (it alternates with therapy). I just dont think I'm going to make it. Right now, with school being so busy, so...

Internal Landscapes
I said that I would write about Internal Landscapes the next time I wrote, so that's what I'm going to talk about today. First can I say "I AM EXHAUSTED"!! I am so stressed out, my husband is stressed out....

Session coming up tomorrow
Tomorrow we have a 2 hour session scheduled with my therapist. I wish It would hurry up and get here. Hopefully I'll be brave enough to bring up what we need to talk about, which my T mentioned briefly last...

Trying to get myself together, and the perfect computer for DID people-- dual processor!
Its finally the