Pilgrim's Journey > June 2004 Archives
June 5, 2004
Where do I start?
Where can I start with the story of my journey... it is a long and confusing one... that I wish more people would understand.
Do I start with myself? Do I start with my history? Or my reaction to it? Do I start with the present?
I'm currently going through a lot of testing with a psychologist. She wants to see if I have dissociative identity disorder,DID, formerly known as Multiple Personality disorder. I've been in therapy with a great therapist for 4 years already, and we figured its about time we got some real answers as to what the real problem is.
However... it doesn't matter what the tests say. It doesn't matter what my therapist, or husband, or friends believe...
This has been a long journey inside to learn the truth. No one can get inside my mind, no one sees and hears what I do.
I have people living inside my mind. Other personalities. That have different names, that think of themselves as separate people, with their own thoughts, beliefs, and views on the world.
I do not want to.
I did not invent this.
I would get out of this if I could.
Yet here I am, no matter what the psychologists or therapist or tests say, in the middle of my journey.
My name is Pilgrim.
Trying to work together
For the longest time, no one worked together. Everything's been chaotic for such a long time, with insiders not knowing about each other, one person not knowing what others were doing. I've had months filled with "fog", where I couldn't be sure of what was going on. That is one of the hardest challenges of this disorder: taking responsibility. Someone inside, who may be a child who doesn't understand how to act in public, might do something, without my awareness of it. But then later I find out about it, and I still have to take responsibility for it, since someone in MY body did or said something wrong...even if I dont know what happened... its like I have to take it on and fix it. I have to still do the right thing. And the right thing is to take responsibility for whatever I or my inside parts do. And sometimes that is such a pain. Because we're all so different... such different personalities, with such different likes and dislikes, such different views on the world, seeing the world through various filters. But I've made up my mind that--whatever they do, we all as a group take responsibility for it. Thus I've found myself apologizing for things that I don't remember, fixing situations that I know I didn't cause...but its all about trying to work together as a team.
Just today, some of us decided to work together on a "contract"-- we're still trying to decide who does what, and when, and how to cooperate with each other. It gets so complicated-- too many minds in one body, and there's never enough time in the day. Its easy to forget, that the adult insiders can't go to the grocery store while the kids stay home and paint and while the boys to go the creek. Its hard to remember--- the body can only go ONE PLACE AT ONCE.
So--the topic of time management has always been a biggie. But its starting to get better. Just today there's been some bargaining for time, a "I'll do this, if you let me do this" sort of thing. Its something we've all got to come to agreement with. Its really hard to work out. Everyone has different interests and opinions. Some people don't mind sharing their day with another insider. Some want time completely to themselves.
All I want is for things to be peaceful inside. For everyone to work together and get along. Thats my main goal for this summer. I'm so tired of always being in the middle of one crisis or another, I'm tired of losing time, I'm tired of forgetting things constantly, of never knowing where I am or who I am. I need for things to get better.
And I need to be the one that makes that happen.
June 6, 2004
Something was wrong.
I always knew that something was wrong with me. Always. I didn't know what it was, but I realized that something-was-not-quite-right. Even as a little girl, I was extremely intelligent, extremely creative. I was often accused of "thinking too much." I was too sensitive. I always had a sense that I was too much for the world, and the world was too much for me.
Little things shook my psyche enormously. Things that probably would haven't affected other kids so much--- made my mind split. Into piece after piece. Parts of me went away, into hiding. Someone else would come out, and then split again. I led a double life, even as a little girl: there was a daytime me and a nighttime me, and its almost as though one didn't know about the other. One part of me got perfect grades, was very popular, was smart, outgoing, brilliant, loved, loveable. One part of me was sullen, withdrawn, isolated, with no contact with others, hidden away.
Every time something traumatic would happen... more and more parts would be created to handle it. And more parts would disappear inside for protection.
Something always was not quite right. I knew that much. But I didn't know what to do with it, didn't understand it, and lived with the best I could, coping by developing an eating disorder, cutting myself, and throwing myself into schoolwork.
Then , things got much worse.
"That's just Pilgrim"
I had survived high school (barely). Still in an abusive relationship with a boyfriend that I didn't know how to escape, still being raped on a regular basis, still hurt, still trying to deny everything from my past, and doing everything I could to run away from ...everything. I'd always had tricks to deal with the things that happened. My favorite was "disappearing"-- going into a secret space inside my head where I couldn't be hurt. I would leave my body, and I'd imagine myself disappearing up into the stars in the sky, far away from whoever was yelling at me, hurting me, scaring me. Sometimes it got out of hand-- I'd forget to come back for a while. Or I'd "wake up" from my secret space and be somewhere different, or in different clothes, or... it'd be Wednesday afternoon, when I could swear it had just been Monday night a few minutes ago. I would put myself into trances by closing my eyes and telling myself "not me, not me, not me" over and over in my head for however long it took for some traumatic event to be over with, for however long it took for me to be gone, for however long it took for some other part of me to take over.
Sometimes I heard voices.
It was inside my head-- I knew it wasn't from outside, but it sounded so real--it could have been outside my head, but I knew no one was around.
I tried to shrug it off.
I kept hearing it. I wondered if I was schizophrenic, and did some research on schizophrenia, just to make sure. Nope, the voices weren't telling me what to do, weren't coming from outside my head,no hallucinations, thank goodness.
I'd hear things like, "No!" and "Go away!" and once in a while a child crying "Mommy?!" Especially when I got stressed out, or when my boyfriend was hurting me.
I still didn't have a clue what it all was. I just figured I was crazy, because I knew something was wrong with me and always had been. I had a reputation in my family as being weird, a little too creative, a little too smart, a little too everything. "Thats just Pilgrim; thats just how she acts; don't take her seriously, she's just weird."
I went into therapy for my eating disorder.
Man, how I wish that's all it had stayed at.
My poor therapist. Little did she know. Little did I know.
At one of my 1st few therapy sessions, I remember her asking me about Time. I told her about how in a store, I'd go look at something for 5 minutes, and my husband would complain that I'd been in there for an hour. My therapist asked me if that happened often.
I already knew what she was asking about...Do you ever lose time?
That was a direction I was too scared to go in. I told her no, I made up some silly excuse, and hoped it wouldn't come up again.
I dont remember a lot of my therapy sessions. I was dissociating so much, disappearing inside myself, especially when it was time to talk about difficult stuff. I'd go in and say hi to my therapist, and next thing I knew, it was time to go, and I had no idea what we'd just been talking about or where the time had gone. I was too scared to say anything.
Meanwhile, at home, I was finding things: drawings--that looked like they'd been done by children. And also beautiful drawings, by someone who obviously could draw. Most of it I didn't remember doing, but it had my name on it, or would be in secret drawers where I kept my private things.I would find things in my closet---- this is almost funny to me now, because its so classic-- I'd find things that I'd bought but didn't remember, that I would NEVER wear. Looking back at my old journals now, I can see different handwritings, dialogues between various people, recurring elements such a black boxes and little girls drawn curled up in a corner. I had incessent conversations and "yelling" in my head. I still didn't mention anything to my therapist, I dont think.
(But then again, I may have--- I remember so little from then.)
I was so afraid of being labeled crazy.
My eating disorder and cutting got worse and worse, and so did my depression. I'm sure I drove my therapist crazy on more than one occassion, trying to figure out what to do with me. I was so afraid to tell her what was going on.
A few years ago though, I decided I had to. Something happened one night that made me decide I'd had enough, and it was time to get help.
Telling my therapist about the voices in my head
One summer night, things got out of control and I didn't even know it. As my ex-best friend told it, I switched, and became this angry person, and told her I hated her and didn't want to be around her. I stomped off in the middle of the night.
I have absolutely no memory of this. The only thing I remember about that night is suddenly finding myself outside, the middle of the night, back by a dying bonfire. I dont even know what time it was, but as I "woke up" from wherever I was, I was crying so hard I could barely see straight. I had no idea what was going on, or why I was outside. I was terrified.
I was appalled that I would ever think,let alone say, anything so mean and hateful to my best friend. I'd go hide in the bathroom and cry, trying to figure out what had happened, how in the world I had managed to disappear so far inside that I didn't even know I said something so terrible. I figured she was telling the truth, because people were ALWAYS telling me I did things that I didn't remember about. But, this was getting ridiculous.
A couple days later at the airport, I watched from far away as an 8 year old boy took over my body and followed my best friend around the airport, unsure of where to go, and unable to read most of the airport signs, having to sound them out, with all the skill of a 2nd grader still learning phonics.
Terrified. I was a teacher. I had qualified for early entrance to college in the 8th grade. I had top scores in my class, every year, all years.
I didn't know what was going on.
I needed to tell someone.
(*shakes head* oh,boy)
I'm not sure of the sequence of events at this point. All this happened in the summer. I think that I wrote my therapist a note, or a letter, and told her the truth. I do remember sitting there on the couch next to her, too scared to breathe as she read it, being positive that as soon as she finished it she would call me crazy and kick me out of therapy right then. I just knew that as soon as she read about my dissociating and hearing voices and turning into different people and forgetting how to read and everything else, she was going to kick me out, end of story. I was on pins and needles. I respected her so much, and it was going to be so hard to say goodbye to her.
Instead, she took a deep breath and turned to me and said "Whatever this is, we'll deal with it."
You could have knocked me over with a feather. Inside my head, there were about 8 sighs of relief at that moment.
This was the beginning.
My insides started spilling out
It seems like, once I admitted to my therapist that I had a problem, that things began spilling out all over the place. Finally, someone knows. Finally, I can be myself. Finally, I can get this out.
I remember posting something on an online message board--- confessing my "secret"-- about voices, people in my head. I was so scared to tell.
You know what the response was?
"We know, Pilgrim! You told us this some time ago."
??? To say I was confused beyond belief was an understatement. How could I have told anyone anything yet, when I didn't even know what was going on?
And yet... parts of me had already been speaking. Without me knowing about it. (this still creeps me out a bit...sorry.)
That year is a jumble of memories--- I'm sure my therapist knows more about what went on than I do.
I remember odd things-- a child inside who called herself Mae, who cried for her mommy incessantly, and was the same child I had started hearing years earlier, now started using my mouth to speak when I was home alone. I found myself in the closet, far back inside my body, too far away from it to control what I did, watching this other child take control and rock back and forth, crying for her mommy for hours on end, yelling for people to "Go away."
This same child one night wandered the halls of an office building looking for her mommy, and knocked on my therapist's office door to say "I can't find my mom." I can't imagine what my therapist must have been thinking. Here she had this 30 year old woman standing in front of her. Looking for mommy. OH BOY.
Others began talking to my friends and my therapist as themselves. Missy, who had been the one who got my through junior high and through college. Carolineine, the perfect daughter, who named herself after the perfect mother on Little House on the Prairie. Nobody, the invisible one who didn't mind being forgotten and left behind. The 8 (8 and a half, he always tells me) year old boy who named himself Tuck, the one who got to play football with dad the one day in my life he spent time playing with me. And there were others, and others.
Once everyone found someone to listen, they all wanted to start telling their stories. They all wanted to talk. At once. Loudly. All the time.
At me. At my therapist. In my journals. In my drawing books. In therapy sessions.
Everyone had something to say. And wanted to say it RIGHT NOW.
(Even as I sit here to write these posts for my diaries, they are clamoring for control, anxious to get a word in edgewise, to tell you about themselves-- I keep baiting them with--- "maybe tomorrow, maybe later, you can write about yourself." :)(Some of the kids are being bribed with brownies to keep quiet.)
Somewhere along the line, Carolineine started doing research on DID. I dont know when or where or how. I know its been in the past few years. She could probably tell you more about it than I could. Somehow though, someone ended up telling my therapist "I think this is what we have."
Thus I'm at this point, being tested.
But it doesn't even matter anymore, what the tests show.
What other people think is irrelevant-- people can test for anything, and get anything to show up.
The DID is the only thing that makes everything else make sense. When I've told my therapist, or friends, or even my sister, its like a lightbulb has gone off in their heads. Some have even said "OH! So THAT'S why...." and start naming things that have happened that never made sense before, that all of a sudden DO. "So THATS why you don't remember..." "OH! Well that makes SENSE that you...." "OOOOOHHHHH!! Oh my gosh that makes EVERYTHING make sense now!"
Some people have even said, "I figured that's what it was for a long time."
However, just because "Carolineine", another part of me, decided that this is what we had, didn't mean I was ready to just accept it and move on. Nope. Absolutely not. I fought it for a long time. A couple years, in fact. And actually, I am still fighting it.
There's still a part of me that's hoping the tests from the psychologist will come up with something else, with something weirder that DID. Somedays I'd rather be "crazy", whatever that means. I'd rather just be a really good actress, or a good liar, or something...anything... than have DID.
D.I.D./ MPD is real.
I know that a lot of people don't believe in multiple personalities. I find that interesting. I'd rather not believe in it myself ;) However, given that I live with a group of people in my head who insist they are real, and who take control of my body on a regular basis, I'm trying to learn to accept the fact that they're real, and have been real since I was about 6 years old.
I've wrestled a lot of long, lonely, difficult hours with this.
They're not imaginary.
They're not because I'm malingering.
They're not because I'm well-read about DID.
They're not there because I've seen movies.
They're not there to get me out of anything.
They're not there because its "convenient."
They're not made up.
They're not invented so I can stay in therapy longer, or to get attention, or to be cool, or anything like that.
You know why they're there?
Because stuff happened that my own mind couldn't handle.
And maybe because I was a little too creative, a little too smart, a LOT too sensitive, a lot too afraid, and subjected to a lot of stuff over and over and over again that I couldn't face alone.
And you know what the truth is about having this?
It sucks sometimes.
I've lost friends.
I've lost support.
I have to take responsibility for things that I didn't even know I did.
I have to fix mistakes that I dont remember making.
I forget things all the time.
Don't even think about asking me what time it is :-P
I can't remember my wedding, or college.
Its a pain in the butt.
Its about flashbacks and pain and loneliness and fear. And having people you might not even like take up residence inside your head. Imagine taking 9 or 10 (and in some cases, many more) people from different walks of life, with completely different personalities and histories and likes and dislikes, and putting them all in a verysmallroomforaverylongtimetogether and see what develops.
Don't forget to add in various mental illnesses for a few of them. And a couple of them are just like your abusers, who you're terrified of or people you can't stand. Tell them to share this space for and endless amount of time, add one therapist standing outside the door of room who can see inside through a very small window, shake the room up, and enjoy.
Misperceptions, realities, and websites about DID/MPD
It makes me feel sad when I realize there are so many people who have a preconceived notion of what DID is. People who saw the movie "Sybil" think that you have to be just like that particular character, or you can't possibly be multiple.
The fact is, there are as many different ways for multiple systems to work as there are people in the world. Its different for everyone.
Please check out this link for just a little bit of information:
I was so relieved when my therapist decided to stick with me and help me figure out what was going on, especially when I was so sure she'd kick me out of therapy immediately. Instead, she went looking for information, even consulting with a therapist who knew a lot more about DID, and even found me a support group for people with dissociative disorders.
There is a wonderful website by a therapist who worked with DID:
Here is a helpful website for people who know someone with DID-- it does have a lot of good information on it:
I just found this website. Its straightforward and helpful:
June 7, 2004
I want to get away from it all
This is one of those days when I JUST WANT THEM TO Go AWAY. I want them out of my head-- now. I'm sick of them hanging around. I'm sick of the chaos these other inside people cause in my life. Right now, I dont even like ANY of them.
my therapist said something that made me think she doesn't believe this whole "multiple personalities" thing. Something about how when she gets up to give a talk, her gestures and voice change and she acts differently than if she were comforting a sick child, and something about how maybe thats how things can seem like multiple personalities. (My thinking was--- you just THINK you have this-- its your imagination, Pilgrim, because you are just that screwed up.)
I closed my eyes and listened to the arguing that started inside. "Oh god, here we go again," i was thinking. "Oh she doesn't think I'm real? I'll show her who's real" (obstinate teenager voice) "but what did i do does that mean her doesnt like me all of a sudden but i know I'm real so did i do something wrong?" (crying 5 year old). I faded away and am not sure what happened after that for a little while
No, no, and no. Multiple personalities ISNT "oh, sometimes I feel like such a different person." It isn't "well at work I act this way, and at home I act like this." It isn't a "sometimes I can be so loud and outgoing with my friends, but geesh if I have to give a presentation or something, I just freeze and become quiet as a mouse!" No, no, and no.
That isn't it at all. That would be called being normal.
Today I just wanted to get away from it. My mind-- its overloaded.
This evening some odd things happened-- a little inside one decided she needed a box--- NOW-- she absolutely HAD to have a box. I have no idea why. All I knew was that I found myself at the store, watching from a back seat as this little one frantically searched around the store for her BOX and telling me over and over "you don't understand!" (I don't understand WHAT?) "you dont understand!" Trying to have a reasonable conversation with a panicky 5 year old is impossible.
Well, she found, apparently, the right kind of box, and I went home. I now have a small children's pop-up tent in my bedroom, and all I know is that getting it calmed her down a little bit, she's got a "box" to sit in, or whatever she's planning to do to it.
June 8, 2004
The problem of having one body.
I have been so busy today. Constantly busy from 8:30 this morning til 9:30 this evening. 2 workshops to attend, several projects, books to read, 2 classes to prepare for (my summer teaching job starts next week), a little time to exercise, etc etc etc.
But really,its like this almost every day.
Everyone inside has something that is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO DO. Everyone has something thats on the TOP of their priority list. And of course, everyone also has a list of things they want to do. For instance,
1.my list: try to fit in everyone else's lists
read a book about time
go to the craft store
hang out online for a bit and chill out
2.Caroline's list: get ready for summer classes
get materials ready for fall classes for school
some projects to sew and put together for school
projects to laminate
read "The Highly Sensitive Child" to figure out how
to help Mae a little better
work on her website (the reallly positive one she made
do all the therapy homework from our T.
do whatever it is she's going to do with that box I got
her last night that she HAD to have
play with the dogs
go hang out in the woods all day to explore bugs and
nature and take a magnifying glass and a bug net
cut (I refuse to make time for this)
do some sculptures
paint to get her feelings out
do some collages
do some writing for our T
ready "First Person Plural" by Cameron West, PhD. Helps some
not feel so alone. They guy is a multiple, and has
PhD., which is cool because it helps dispel the myth that
all multiples are deranged serial killers.
I don't know specifically what she wants to do, but I'm
sure it has to do with getting work done, getting things
accomplished, and with pushing my body to its limits
This is just the list i can think of off the top of my head, without even going into it too much.
HOWEVER. *AHEM* ****ANNOUNCEMENT****
I have ONE freaking body, everybody!!!
I can't read 3 books at once plus exercise plus make a collage plus do the dishes plus go for a walk plus color plus do therapy homework plus build a birdhouse plus do a sculpture plus paint ALL at the same time!!! ONE body. ONE. ONE.
Some days it feels like my body is going to split apart.
Its such a war inside all the time. I try to arrange for everyone to take turns. I'll have 3 books in front of me at once, and take turns reading a page from each at a time. I'll keep a coloring book right next to my therapy homework notebook. But lately, everyone wants to be in completely separate physical locations as well. Sometimes try to head off in different directions. Then arguing ensues. This is TOO MUCH!
I have no idea how to solve this problem. No idea.
June 9, 2004
Movies and Misperceptions about multiple personalities
Sometimes I wish that movie "Sybil" had never been made. Sure, I like Sally Field. And the movie has its good moments. BUT. AGH!
Why do movies portray multiples as psycho, messed up, bizarre, obvious acts of switching? You know what? I switch right in front of people and a lot of the time they have no idea I just did. My voice rarely changes, I hardly ever just start crying out of nowhere (I go home to the privacy of my closet to do that), and I am very successful in my job as a teacher.
This morning I overheard someone talking about when her daughter starts acting all ornery and difficult, her grandmother gets in her face and starts shouting "Sybil, get out of there!" as if its a joke, as if "Sybil" is this evil person who has taken over her daughter. And now her daughter is starting to do that to other people. Score another one for stereotypes and misconceptions.
I just closed my eyes. Maybe I should make a t-shirt that says, "I am NOT like Sybil!" or "Yes I'm multiple but no I'm NOT a psychotic serial killer."
My shirt would just say "Yeah I'm multiple and I just do my job and do the best I can to get through every day, and I'm nice to kids, and I help other people, and I clean my house, and I pay my bills on time, and I do everything that you do, just in a more complicated manner."
(But that wouldn't sell movie tickets now, would it?)
June 10, 2004
"Just a Normal Day"
Just a normal day.
The sun is shining. The air smells like freshly cut grass. You wonder if you haveenough change in your pocket for a soda. Warm sun feels good. Suddenly-Something breaks in you.
things sTart scrEAming fRom inSide.
Someone help me.
But you remind yourself. That was then. This is now. Out of ----- nowhere— its back.
Warm sun. you remember the warm sun. it feels good on your face and you love the sun-you try to
r e f o c u s. Sharp Breath
I need to talk to somebody
Or I am going to die
This cant be. You feel the sun. everythings ok. Nothing is happening now. The terror was so long ago. Now you have friends and your world is right-side up again, as long as you can keep your head on straight. The sun, the sun, you chant to yourself. The sun is here and it is safe and I smell the grass.
If someone doesnt help me now I am going to kill myself.
You eye the highway. Its busy. Cars to run in front of.
Please help me I don’t know where to go!
(No… lets remember the sunshine) The warmth is going now. You try to remember the feeling of the sun on your face.
But inside you are screaming now.
Fists pound the ground. Despair. Screaming.
No remember you are fine. Warmth. Why are you going crazy? Why are you
Losing. Your. Mind.?
Losing sight of the sun. UPSIDE. DOWN .AGAIN!.
Youre going to kill youself if this screaming inside doesnt
The sun, the sun. you try to remember. It was bright.(wasnt it?)
But stop this.
There is no reason.
(NO! NO! NO!)
no reason except that everything---is--- crashing--- in---on ---- you---
LET ME BE!! HELP ME!
Your fists pound.
INSIDE.(How much longer can you keep it in?)
(But the sun?)
there is no sun now.
Just falling apart inside. Ache.
If you could feel the sun again. What if you told the truth?
Would the world cave in? Would you be abandoned? Will everyone hate you when they learn about the chaos inside your head?
But it was just a normal day. it was just a normal day. (except that there is no normal anymore. There .is. no. day. )
A day in the life of me
That poem that's in the previous entry was posted and written by a part of me named Nobody... who was around most of the day today. Its been a rough day. I wouldn't even know where to start to explain it, so maybe I shouldn't. A day of sad drawings, wanting to cut, little one crying in therapy, taking a nap because I'm so exhausted afterwords, so much work to do, feeling so...defective...today.
Words are hard to find tonight. I've opened my journal manager several times tonight trying to think of something to say. Something profound, something helpful, something ....anything.
But I've come up blank.
This is what my life is like some days:
Wake up , and found that a couple others were already awake and talking about some other subject (I can't remember what, now). They both said hi to me when I woke up. That still throws me off a bit-- they've just recently started doing that in the last few weeks, greeting me in the mornings, and I gotta say, its just plain WEIRD to wake up in an empty room and hear 2 or 3 voices say "hi" to you from inside your head, or to wake up and know you've come in at the middle of a conversation.
Morning-- flashbacks. Someone crying. I was trying to exercise, but a particular little one kept taking over and crying, wringing her hands (which she does when she's stressed or anxious--so, almost all the time), and drawing pictures. Saying things hurt, that her hands hurt, that she wants to talk to my therapist, that she wants to go home, that I dont understand. I was present enough to ask her "what don't I understand?" but then she'd take over entirely, and... I dont even know. She's 5. She's still learning I guess.
A person called Nobody was around all day--drove to therapy. The flashbacks continued, I'm not exactly sure how things went in therapy, but I know she was crying, and I get so embarassed, because there I am in my 30's and i'm an adult and yet there is my body sitting on the floor ...curled up...crying. so much of what they do...i just feel so ashamed and embarassed.
Came home and apparently posted this old poem.
Take a nap-- exhausted.
I finally "came to" as myself about 8:00, and even then, I felt as if I were only halfway here. The kids were too close, still too upset, still having flashbacks, but I was at least starting to have control over my body again so I managed to get some housework done despite the fact that every few minutes I had to stop and wring my hands or curl up in a ball on the floor.
I talked online to 2 other people with D.I.D., 2 of my friends, to get advice abou how they cope, how they handle problems. They keep saying "take baby steps"...but I am tired of baby steps, I want to take a giant leap now and then. I want to get better, whatever that means. I just know that I do not want to be THIS.
June 11, 2004
I confuse people.... no, I dont have ADHD, and I'm not stupid.
I know my behavior confuses people. Drives people crazy, I'm sure. People who don't know what's really going on, who don't know that thy are really sometimes talking to a 5 year old or a 12 year old or a 17 year old, or to me. I tend to ask the same questions over and over to be sure of information, or several people will ask the same question because they haven't heard the answer yet. But on the outside, it just looks like "Pilgrim is so forgetful. Pilgrim has a bad memory. Pilgrim wasn't listening the 1st 4 times I told her about_____."
I'm sure thats aggravating and exhausting. How I wish I could tell people that I AM paying attention...that I am listening. That I don't have attention deficit disorder... I'm not just an airhead or flighty or childish. But sometimes people who think they're talking to me really are talking to a 5 year old, and by the time they finish a sentence they may be talking to a 12 year old, or may have said something to trigger someone younger to come out.
(I'm actually a very intelligent person, though its hard to tell these days. I used to score very high on state tests and entrance exams, was getting ready to go off to prep school at one time so I could go to college early. I was always the smartest in all my classes, got the highest grades. I played classical music on the piano and read books that were 4 inches thick.
I miss those days. Now I sit and sound out "The Cat in the Hat" when the 5 year old is working on learning to read. She sounds out street signs. The other day she asked me how to tell time and I told her about what the hands on the clock mean.)
I wish that I didn't have to hide the way I am. Wish it didn't have to be such a big secret. So many peopled don't believe, or have their minds made up that DID doesn't exist, or have negative connotations of it... the only safe thing to do right now for me is to hide. I dont know which is worse. To be thought of as crazy, dangerous, and weird, or as having no attention span, flighty, and childish.
June 12, 2004
I need to do a better job of coping with things. This is just a fact.
I can't keep dissociating and letting the others do it...although I wish I could.
But that's the easy way out.
Things get rough, or emotional, or too stressful, or triggering--- and off I go to...(to where?)....to....anywherebuthere.. And I find myself dealing with life as a 5 year old, or a 17 year old named Nobody, or a 12 year old, or a host of others. I guess its my way to escape, to give myself a break from things I can't handle.
But I need to stop that.
I need to remember that I'm not in abusive situations anymore. I'm not powerless (even though sometimes it feels that way.). I have choices I can make. I don't need to escape anymore.
Dissociating may have been needed back then, back in my childhood and teens and even my 20's, but...now I'm a little older... I need to learn to live as myself.
I'm trying to learn how.
During the school year I was too stressed out, too busy, and had to many things going on, to work much on this---this big, bad, scary issue. I don't even remember much of November to February...come to think of it, I don't remember March either...
But now its summer vacation.
Time to get to work.
Time to take advantage of this opportunity.
By the time summer started 2 weeks ago, I was ready: armed with notebooks, organizers, a knapsack (does anyone say knapsack anymore?), markers,clay, PaintShop Pro, and a bunch of other craft supplies, I've been spending my days of summer letting the others get their voices out, letting themselves be heard, letting them express themselves. Hence the picture last night of Nobody's sculpture.
I think that if I can let them express themselves, maybe that will help.
I'm also trying to increase communication between us by everyone writing notes in the notebook.
My therapist has been giving me assignments to do (hard ones!) to write about.
I am trying so.freaking.hard.
i hope this works.
A letter to those inside.
(or, where I eat crow... to say I'm sorry for the way I have treated the others inside.)
I heard what M talked about with S (therapist) the other day (most of it, anyway, )… I heard what Nobody talked about with my sister last night about me making fun of her (when I discount your feelings and say to ignore you).
So Im going to write this to everybody and see if this helps.
I feel a little silly. But I’m just going to have to feel silly for right now.
I will do better.
M you think I m not around when you talk and when you have memories. That is partly true. I do try to avoid the things you talk about, because I dont want to remember, and because some of the things you remember I just REALLY dont remember , and because youre so open and honest and that just scares me. Youre a lot stronger than I am. I want you to keep talking. You get out what you need to, and Ill do my best to listen. Even when you think Im not around, Ill be around somewhere. I wont leave. Im not going to go anywhere. Im bigger now and I know how to keep myself safe, my body is bigger and I know some tricks about how to stay safe. Its ok to talk to S. And when you get home you can draw your pictures that you need to and keep talking if you need to. And weve got your tent set up in the bedrooom that you can go inside if you need to feel safer and we will keep your coloring books and stuffed animals nearby and your blanket. I will figure out a way to show you that I'm around when you're in S's office talking about scary stuff.
Nobody. sorry. I know I say a lot oh just ignore her. I shouldnt do that. I will try harder not to. You know that we were just never, ever allowed to admit to being hurt or show any sadness or anything and I still think that things have to be that way. I need to remember that dad isnt here. And that theres a different set of rules in our house now and a different set of rules in Ss office. You can talk to S about what you need to. And to other people if you need to. And I will do my best to let you feel what you need to feel and quit denying your feelings and listen better .Ill just try harder. Its hard to put into words.
I dont like you much. I think because you scare me. There is so much pain that I cant face. Maybe if I could learn to face some of it, you wouldn't have to carry so much.
To everyone else
I keep denying that youre real and I know that causes a big problem. This is really hard for me to deal with. Im trying to work with this issue on my own and that makes it complicated. I know its dumb that Im still almost waiting for what Dr B says before I think ok, its all right now to believe that youre real. I know that it doesn’t really matter what Dr. B or Ss or Ts opinion is. You guys know you’re real and you get upset with me when I try to say that you’re not. Im trying to figure this out. Some days I believe and some days I dont. Some days I like it when you all leave me alone, and some days I really like it when I can hear you saying hi to me in the mornings, when I wake up and yall are already in the middle of a discussion. And some days I just feel a little crazy. I’m sorry that this is taking me a long time to figure out. I really do want to do better. I will try lots harder to listen and to figure out what you all need from me.
June 13, 2004
Dealing with other people...and i am not demon-possessed.
Last night I got an e mail from and old friend, checking to see how I'm doing. We've been friends for 16 years. She knows that I've had an eating disorder, so she always asks how my eating is going. she always asks about family, and my job.
i always have to tell her everything is fine.
I could never, ever tell her what things are really like.
I already know what her reaction would be. "Uh...hmm... well. Yes. Multiple personalities, you say. Well. Have you prayed about that?"
She's in the camp that DID isn't real, that it is actually demon posession. I've lost a couple friends already over this particular gem. Christians who don't get to know what the problem is, but decide they know whats going on. A couple years ago I got along fine with a good friend, until I admitted to her my secret:all of a sudden, she decided I was demon-posessed and she didn't like me anymore. I tried to explain to her that she'd already been interracting with several of the others, and she sure seemed to like them then. But she wouldn't hear of it: all of a sudden, I was evil and posessed. Bye.
This happened with another friend recently as well.
I find this especially interesting since I'm a Christian as well,... but I guess I find it hard to believe that the crying 5 year old inside me who just wants her mommy and her blankie could possibley be a demon.
I wish I didn't have to keep things a secret. I wish I could just be myself. Unfortunately, to keep being friends with some people... it requires a lot of compromise (all on my part...but I will never bring that up.)
Today my view is different-- denial
Today, I'm one of the nonbelievers. Today I'm back in denial.
I don't know why I get like this. Maybe its just where I need to be for today. Maybe its because writing that letter to the others last night made me feel too raw, too vulnerable, too guilty.
Today I want to deny their very existance.
Today I want to say, I'm just hearing my own voice in my head.
Today I just want to say, well I just get in these moods, you know? Everyone has moods... everyone acts differently in different situations. (never mind that my moods also have their own moods, their own lives, thoughts, and opinions, and ways of being.)
Today I want to say, this thing is supposed to be RARE.
That means, it doesn't happen to ME.
Today I want to ignore the tons and years of evidence I have.
Today I want to forget about the fact when I try to ignore them and deny them, that they always do something big to get my attention and prove their existence (such as put a knife through my hand.)
Today I just want silence.
Today I just want to be like everyone else. I just want to have a friend to hang out with. I want to just do whatever I want, instead of having to plan around what a bunch of internal kids want. Today I feel like sleeping, or just reading one of my books...instead of making time for them to color, to swing, to read a childrens book, and whatever else comes to their minds. I dont want to have to help when the littler ones have flashbacks, when the depressed ones talk about terrible things they remember.
Today I just want to be selfish.
I just want to be me.
Stuck on Pluto
I am SO lonely.
Almost all the time.
It feels like there's no one I can connect with in the whole world. As if I live on a separate planet--- Pluto. Watching Earth from far away, watching the world pass by while people laugh and go to the movies and show up on each other's door steps as a surprise.
Its funny, when I talk to other people online with DID, ther are a lot of us who feel this way. There are a bunch of people, all living in our own universes.
I'm still where I was earlier today-- in denial.
Tonight, I balanced my own checkbook and paid my own bills-- a task that Missy normally handles, because I cannot handle any discussions about money. Normally Missy sits at the table with the checkbook and calculator, and handles all things money.
But tonight-- I did it. I curled up on the couch, much more comfortable for me. I handled something. Tried to tell myself, see, I don't need Missy, I don't need to dissociate anymore. I'm getting stronger. I want to believe that so much. I want to outgrow the need for the others. I want to believe that I can start handling things on my own.
But I'm still stuck here on Pluto.
living with consequences of a dissociative disorder
I'm writing again tonight, because I'm dealing again with one of the consequences of having a dissociative disorder. Losing friends. Losing time. Losing things.
Someone I used to be best friends with is online right now. We were best friends for 3 years or so. Very close, or so I thought.
All of a sudden, this winter, she stopped speaking to me.
I have no idea why.
I was pretty much out of it from November on...I remember almost nothing until this spring.
I know that some of the others, kids included, hung around with this friend.
But then one day, out of the blue,she decided to have nothing to do with us anymore.
And I cannot figure out why.
If one of the others said something, or did something, I would gladly apologize...take responsiblity...fix what I could.
The other adults inside have also racked their memories, trying to figure out what might have been the problem, and come up blank.
I've tried to get ahold of my ex-friend, but she refuses to discuss "what happened" with me. Says that if she wanted to discuss it, she would have by now.
I just have no idea.
Something happened...during that time period where I was absent. I want so much to know what it was.
Damn losing time thing. I would give anything to know. I miss my friend so much. I've been so lonely without her, and this has left a big hole in my heart.
I just wish I KNEW. Its so frustrating. Was it something I said? Something one of the others said? Something I did? Something I didn't do? Something I didn't say? Did one of us offend her somehow? Is it just all about her, and not about us? I have tried to find out, and a couple others have tried to find out-- "Well, if you're not speaking to Pilgrim, will you still speak to ME?" "How about to me?" But she won't tell.
I just want to KNOW what happened. But there is nothing there but blank space.
The thing is, when you break off a relationship with someone like me, you leave much more than one person. And that is where the real hurt comes in, I guess.
It'd be different if my friend just left ME. I could probably dust off my boots and move on after a few months.
But there are others inside who have been left behind by her also, and that makes things extra complicated.
Especially the little ones, who looked up to my friend as a big sister, who loved for her to come over to play and color and go to the park.
They don't understand at all, why their special friend no longer comes over to play. They have cried and cried over "what did they do wrong?"... and I have absolutely no answers, because I just don't know.
This ex-friend has made it clear that she doesn't want to speak to me, or any of the people inside of me, anymore.
So we're just waiting, all of us, to see if she will ever fill in the missing piece for us, to tell us whatever happened during that missing time.
I am so lonely. And the 5 year old anxiously waits to see if I will send a message over the internet to our ex best friend... she's right here, near the front,
I am so sorry, Mae. I'm so sorry that we somehow lost our friend. I am so sorry.
some days i just can't. take. this.
June 15, 2004
creating an internal contract
I might be on to something.
Starting last night (out of desperation, and with a little luck), I started working on a contract for everyone inside-- a sort of who's who list, and who will do what-- and so far, everyone's been agreeable. I'm delegating. I can't do all this by myself anymore. I'm going to have to start relying on some of the other adults in the system who are just as capable to help me take care of things. I've been talking to people and doing some research on "setting up operating systems". Different multiple systems have various ways of operating inside, such as govermental systems, court systems, family systems. I'm sort of going along the family system approach, that seems to be most appropriate.
Trying to figure out who can help out with the kids the most, who is best at what job.
I'm trying to get it all down on paper, into words, to explain it.
Then get everyone inside to sign it, to show that all are in agreement. This way we can all see it, and can all refer back to it if problems come up.
And actually I'm a little surprised, because I suggested that maybe Nobody could work with one of the kids in particular that she seems to haev a good bond with, and she actually seems anxious to do that job. I'm surprised. And I told her it'd be a really important job. (And I'm thinking, if she feels like she's doing something important, maybe she will stop being suicidal? that would certainly make me feel better)
I have to head off to work right now. But everyone seems to be working inside...hopefully to work this out... I really want this to work,because things really need to get better organized inside, some sort of system has to be developed, before I lose my mind.
June 16, 2004
Last night I had a dream that was soooo nice... I dreamed that my friend, the one I wrote about earlier who dumped me back in January, called me.
She started talking to me on the phone just like everything was okay again, picking up right where we left off. Since time gets sort of odd anyway, this kind of thing is normal in my life, that people can seem to change out of nowhere, because time has passed and I don't realize it.
But in this dream last night, my friend called me, and we were talking and I kept telling myself, "I must be dreaming this time, am I?" I kept testing to see if I was awake, but I was aware of being awake (in my dream!) It was so wonderful for that few minutes.... I was on the phone with a friend. I was not lonely. I was a real person. I had someone call me, and want to talk to me, and... it was so good just to not be lonely. It seemed to good to be true. But my dream seemed so REAL... and it felt so good for a few minutes.
Then I really did wake up. And realized that I had been tricked.
It had been so good in my dream, to just not be so desperate for a few minutes, to have things be okay.
i want that to be reality. i am trying so hard to make things real like that. not just in my dreams.
June 17, 2004
My Brain Hurts
I'm sitting here rubbing my forehead...trying hard to... wrap my mind around things.
"Nobody" went to therapy this morning, and since I wasn't there directly as ME, I can't be positive that I've got all the information right. But this morning in therapy, a conversation went something like this:
Therapist: stated how the different parts are not real people, just parts of me that feel different
Nobody: apparently took offense. defended herself that she IS a real person, that she FEELS like a real person.
inside my head: someone else (probably Missy) stomping around grumbling something along the lines of "like hell I'm not real" and getting angry.
someone else inside just aggravated at people who will never understand, never get it. 5 year old started crying because she wants very much to be seen as real. (AGH!!!)
I think Nobody said something outloud about the therapist just humoring me... something about making everything up. I remember feeling hopeless.
I'm not sure what else was said. I do know my therapist said something about "is this how you want to use your time today?" (arguing about whether or not you're real?"
OK. The thing is, they're NOT real. I mean, I know they THINK they are real. They act as if they are real. I have to act like they're real too, sorta, because I have to live with them. But I KNOW logically that they MUST be just dissociated parts of me... they must all be me somehow, even though it sure doesn't seem like it, even though they HAVE to be... I mean, they can't be real people, right? They don't have their own bodies... just their own minds. Where does one draw the line on what makes one a person?
But they dont feel like me, or act like me, or believe the same things as me. And they act on their own, and would have their own lives if they could, and... they are sure they are real, and...
this just hurts my head.
My therapist.... i just feel sorry for her. she's got one crazy client.
i feel so hopeless and stupid and screwed up.
June 18, 2004
no feelings. none. fathers day is sunday. cannot handle it. cannot get away from the advertisements and movies. turn the channel. turn off the radio. turn off my heart. ignore everyone inside. nothing. if any feelings were allowed this weekend i would self-destruct. i feel nothing. buried in work all day. buried in reading books for work. buried in making things for school. that is it. no time for feelings. no time for them to talk. those inside can just shut up. i refuse to listen.
June 20, 2004
I really need to do a lot of work on my website. I hate how it looks. Maybe that's something I can do tonight to keep me busy until I fall asleep.
All day I've been busy. Went to a movie. Worked on projects all day, things that involved pounding with hammers and nails and lots of wood glue. Wandered Walmart.
busy, busy, busy.
i read a book for a while. exercised. played with my dogs. went out for dinner.
cannot talk about the elephant in the living room. or rather, the elephant in my mind and in my heart.
June 21, 2004
I'm not like them. This is Missy.
This is not Pilgrim. You could think of me as Pilgrim's evil twin. But I hope you won't,
1. Because I dont look like her.
2. I'm not evil (just called bitchy, which I'm NOT, I am just opinionated and outspoken, call things as I see them).
3. I'm not related to her except that I'm sTuck in the same body.
I went to therapy today. I saved their butt this weekend, handling everything including Fathers Day, and had in interesting time in therapy this morning. The therapist knows me. I just don't show up much. Got better things to do with my time. We had an interesting discussion.
What I want people to know is that I AM NOT LIKE THEM. By some bizarre twist of fate, I've ended up in the same body, but I share nothing else.
They've got quite a few mental illnesses going on in their brain; I am a completely functioning teenager and fully capable of running my life well. Which I do. They've got too many problems. What I'd love is for all of them to shut up and move on with their lives, instead of crying over flashbacks and memories. I maintain the point of view that nothing ever happened and thus there is nothing to be traumatized about. Whatever their problem is, they need to get over it.
Just an opinion from me, the one who gets called "the bitch". One of them will probably see this and freak out, because they are so predictable, you see. I'm so sick of them and their problems. I want out of this setup.
June 22, 2004
Want to piece things together
This is Pilgrim again. I see that miss priss got her opinion in here yesterday.
I dont want to go to work today. I'd rather stay home, because I want to devote some time to piecing the past year together. I don't have very many memories of the past 9 or 10 months, and I know that I wasn't around much, especially from November to March or so. I'm trying to look for things i've written, or that the others have written, so i can find out what I've been doing this year. I am so tired of having such blank spots.
I do know that C**** was the one around in the winter, and that she wrote about how she'd "inherited a life that wasn't hers."
Tomorrow I'm going to ask my therapist if she can help me piece some things together also. I want to know what I've been doing. I want to know what I've been saying. I don't like having so many holes.
On the positive side, this week marks 6 months that I've been in recovery from an eating disorder.
June 23, 2004
Piecing together the last year
I have been combing through things on my computer, and various message boards, tonight. Desperate to try to piece together where I've been the last year or so and what I've been doing. I was thinking just the past 6 months or so, then I realized, its June. So I have to go farther back, 9 months maybe. Then I realize, I dont remember much of last fall at all. I can remember taking my class on a field trip to the Zoo at the beginning of October, and that's about it.
The rest is a blur.
A blur of nightmares, feeling unreal, being out of my body, floating away, missing conversations, and not knowing what in the world is going on.
I will post some of it here in my diary in just a little bit.
I'm still trying to stick a few things together first.
June 24, 2004
Privacy and fears
I went to therapy again this morning. I feel a little better, although I'm not sure why. Yesterday we talked about hard stuff, and my therapist wanted me to be able to go 24 hours without doing any self-injury or eating disorder behaviors. I didn't manage to do it. :( I made it until 1:00 in the morning though. Thats got to count for something. She knew right away this morning when I went in there. She asked me how much self injury I did last night. "How did you know?" I asked her. (for heavens sake, I had long sleeves on, no bandaids or anything!) "Because I know you so well."
ARGhhh. Thats true.
I cannot lie to my therapist. At all. I don't know if its her face or if its because I know she doesn't lie to me, or what. But I cannot lie to her. So I also confessed to taking diuretics the past 2 nights as well.
Well I've been doing recovery for 6 months now and I'm going to work very hard to not do these behaviors again.
The hard thing is that I have parts of me who are not in recovery. The one who calls herself Nobody is still very definitely anorexic, and so is the one who is referred to as Fat Girl. Thankfully, they don't show themselves very often. I've been trying so hard to get behaviors under control. I dont like it when things happen that are out of my control.
I also do not like that they have invaded my diary here. This was supposed to be PRIVATE. MY diary, for me, Pilgrim. Not for Missy, or Mae, or Nobody to write in. It was supposed to be for PILGRIM ONLY. Its like they have no concept of privacy. :(
On a semi-related note...
I dont know if I've ever told anyone in my life my biggest fear.
I am so afraid of getting in trouble for accidently doing something wrong, or another part of me doing something wrong and me not knowing about it. But then me getting in trouble for it. It scares me so much to know that so much goes on that I dont know about. I have always, ever since I was little, been so afraid of getting in trouble for doing something I didn't realize I did. I am still so afraid of it. I would be on trial for something I don't remember, don't even know about, and have no way to defend myself. Yet, I would have to take responsibility. It'd be the only responsible thing to do. Heck, I could easily get framed. Someone can tell me I did something and I'm like "Oh, I did. Weird, I don't remember that..." But i would assume it was just Missy, or Caroline, or Mae, or another part of me that did it.
If any of them did something wrong, i would still need to pay the price for it. It'd be the right thing to do.
But it just scares me so much. What if someday, Mae steals something, like a sucker or a sparkley bracelet? She's 5 and might not realize that's wrong, but I'm 31 and I would have to be held responsible. What if...what if...what if....
it just scares me.
I want so much to get my life under control. I am so afraid of things happening that I dont know about.
Amongst Ourselves, and hide and seek
Today in my dresser drawer, I found a book.Actually, I re-found it.
Its called "Amongst Ourselves." Its a self-help book for people living with d.i.d.. Its very good. Somehow I acquired it a few years ago (I don't remember ordering it, but it did appear in my mailbox one day.)
I found it last week, hidden in my closet, where its been for about a year. Thats the last time I personally (Pilgrim) saw it. Someone else probably put it there for safe-keeping, and just didn't happen to let me know.
I had been wondering where it was and searching for it (in obvious places like bookshelves, what was I thinking?)
(Apparently the same person who puts the scissors in the refridgerator and the cookies under my pillow, put the book in the closet.)
My life and my house is a constant game of hide and seek. I never know when things are going to get hidden by someone else or when I'm going to come across things. This sounds so stereotypical, but
I really do find clothes in my closet that aren't mine. I find things I would never buy. A few months ago I was horrified to find a picture of myself in a business suit with a short skirt and heels. I'm guessing it was taken about 3 years ago. In the picture, my face is smiling proudly over how great I look in my suit. The thing is: I would not be caught dead in something like that!! I would never even try on something like that, let alone OWN it. I can't walk in heels, and certainly wouldn't wear them. This is more than a "what was I thinking that day!?" thing. This is a "who the hell WAS THAT!?"
I also have fun things like finding my keys in weird places (its fun to watch them drop in the bathtub if you're 5, apparently), and don't even ask how I found out that you REALLY SHOULDN'T put foil in the microwave ;)
, and you just never know where my shoes are going to show up. My books are forever disappearing and reappearing, without rhyme or reason. I know a lot of things get hidden "away from the bad people." I hide things too. To keep our secrets...the things that just must not be found out by those mysterious "others" who hurt us when we were little.. Not only does a lot of my stuff get hidden, but many things that are written down get torn up, or torched in the fireplace. God forbid secrets get out.
i am trying to get my book in a hurry. you just never know when things are going to disappear again around here.
June 25, 2004
I am fixing to tear down my website, journeyinside.com.
I can't get it to turn out how I want. Too many other insiders have been working on it, and its all disorganized. Its so frustrating. I wanted it to just be my work, and now its all sloppy.
I am going to scrap it and start all over at a new domain.
my website on dissociation
I have a new website. Its a work in progress, but here is what I have up so far:
June 27, 2004
Starting a website for MPD,DID, DDNOS, PTSD
My friend Heather has started a forum for people dealing with dissociative issues. I am so relieved. Its so hard to find good places to discuss problems like this. She wants me to be an administrator for the board, which is cool. and I'm thinking, why didnt Heather and I think of this before!? :) If you don't have what's available to you, MAKE IT FOR YOURSELF. I'm hoping this new forum will become a good place for discussions on dissociative disorders and problems. Its been so frustrating for me, and I'm sure there must be others, to not have someone to talk to, to not have others I can talk with in real time to relate to and ask "does this happen to you? have you ever had this happen? what do you do when...?" Sure, I have a support group i go to-- but it meets once every 2 weeks. that's it. i need support available on a 24 hour basis. Hopefully if Heather and I can get the word out about the new forum, more people will find out about it, and we can make a community of people who can help each other.
i dont want other people with dissociative problems to feel as lonely as i do.
i want to make a place for people to reach out to each other.
A restful day
Today was actually a pretty good day.
It was a restful day. Yet I was busy. (Bet that made no sense.)
All day I've been working on helping my friend set up our bulletin board
(A Minds Journey). That has been fun. What I like most is that I feel like I'm helping other people by providing a service. Its so hard to find places for support, if you have dissociative disorders. It really is. So now my friend and I have this bulletin board running, where people can come for support, and where we can support each other. That feels good.
If you can't find a place that you need, heck, make it for yourself, right?! :)
Then today the kids played a lot. I was present for it all, which I like better than when I disappear and the kids come out to play. We played with the dogs in the backyard for a while, got bit up by mosquitos, got muddy, went for a walk, waded in the creek. Sundays are good days for being outside and having fun. As Tuck wrote a note to my therapist sometime today, "You know its a good summer if you have blisters on your feet and mosqito bites and the dirt dosent come off your feet even after you wash up."
June 28, 2004
Mae's hard day.
I am not sure what happened today. I am really mixed up still.
I cant figure out whats been going on today. I think I’ve been really spaced out.
Mae--- crying all day with horrendous flashbacks that made her AND me sick and wanting to throw up. Cutting with pieces of mirror. There was a storm…?? This morning?? Not sure how I got through work, that’s… a blur.
Someone must have handled it for me…I guess.
I was really having a hard day, didn’t want him to think any of it had to do with him. But Mae was there too… or someone was, anyway, just not me, because someone else was talking to my husband, while I sat back and watched from far away because I just couldn’t handle anything.
I’m so confused. Mae’s been crying and screaming and I’ve been crying and …??? The animals. And about their eyes and being hurt. And Mae crying over and over that we said she could talk to my therapist on MONDAY. I keep telling her I’m sorry, but I don’t know what else to say, I’m just sorry, I’m doing things wrong, I told her I’m trying to help but I don’t know what to do, I want to help but I don’t know how. And she was cutting with scissors sometime today? I think it was after supper. Or…heck I don’t know.
She made a collage and I don’t know what else.
Then she must have fallen asleep from crying. I woke up at 9:45 p.m. trying to figure out what was going on and I didn’t know where I was but I had cuts on my wrist and Mae’s collage in front of me.
It was really weird because for a few moments it was like me, Mae, and someone else (don’t know who?) we re all present at the same time (that was THE WEIRDEST FEELING) and seeing who was going to take over… that was so strange… but I was so out of it. I didn’t know how much time had passed but I guess it was quite a few hours, I am too confused. For some of that time I was asleep.
I’m in a daze still trying to figure out my day I don’t know maybe I don’t want to know.
I know this morning I was telling you about the screen I could see Mae’s flashbacks on. I think that is the last thing I knew was going on. I was still sitting in the chair in my therapist's office though. I guess a lot of things must have happened though because its now 11:40 at night.
And theres notes from Mae and a collage and …. I just know I have been having a really bad day.
Guess I could spend all night trying to figure out what happened today but that wont get me anywhere.
Fog in my head is heavy today I guess.
I’m trying to think of what to do for Mae and nothing comes to mind. Its too close. Too close.
June 29, 2004
Not functioning very well
too much pain.
I've been having almost constant flashbacks and dissociating a LOT.
didnt even go to work today.
desperate to talk to someone, but there isn't anyone to talk to.
everything hurts too much to say more.
i am just incredibly alone. just alone.