A letter to those inside.

(or, where I eat crow... to say I'm sorry for the way I have treated the others inside.)

To everyone
From Pilgrim
I heard what M talked about with S (therapist) the other day (most of it, anyway, )… I heard what Nobody talked about with my sister last night about me making fun of her (when I discount your feelings and say to ignore you).
So Im going to write this to everybody and see if this helps.
I feel a little silly. But I’m just going to have to feel silly for right now.
I will do better.
M you think I m not around when you talk and when you have memories. That is partly true. I do try to avoid the things you talk about, because I dont want to remember, and because some of the things you remember I just REALLY dont remember , and because youre so open and honest and that just scares me. Youre a lot stronger than I am. I want you to keep talking. You get out what you need to, and Ill do my best to listen. Even when you think Im not around, Ill be around somewhere. I wont leave. Im not going to go anywhere. Im bigger now and I know how to keep myself safe, my body is bigger and I know some tricks about how to stay safe. Its ok to talk to S. And when you get home you can draw your pictures that you need to and keep talking if you need to. And weve got your tent set up in the bedrooom that you can go inside if you need to feel safer and we will keep your coloring books and stuffed animals nearby and your blanket. I will figure out a way to show you that I'm around when you're in S's office talking about scary stuff.
Nobody. sorry. I know I say a lot oh just ignore her. I shouldnt do that. I will try harder not to. You know that we were just never, ever allowed to admit to being hurt or show any sadness or anything and I still think that things have to be that way. I need to remember that dad isnt here. And that theres a different set of rules in our house now and a different set of rules in Ss office. You can talk to S about what you need to. And to other people if you need to. And I will do my best to let you feel what you need to feel and quit denying your feelings and listen better .Ill just try harder. Its hard to put into words.
I dont like you much. I think because you scare me. There is so much pain that I cant face. Maybe if I could learn to face some of it, you wouldn't have to carry so much.
To everyone else
I keep denying that youre real and I know that causes a big problem. This is really hard for me to deal with. Im trying to work with this issue on my own and that makes it complicated. I know its dumb that Im still almost waiting for what Dr B says before I think ok, its all right now to believe that youre real. I know that it doesn’t really matter what Dr. B or Ss or Ts opinion is. You guys know you’re real and you get upset with me when I try to say that you’re not. Im trying to figure this out. Some days I believe and some days I dont. Some days I like it when you all leave me alone, and some days I really like it when I can hear you saying hi to me in the mornings, when I wake up and yall are already in the middle of a discussion. And some days I just feel a little crazy. I’m sorry that this is taking me a long time to figure out. I really do want to do better. I will try lots harder to listen and to figure out what you all need from me.
Pilgrim

Posted by pilgrim | Filed under: Biofeedback

1. Posted by Simon on May 5, 2006