Frenzy over Fathers Day

Been in a frenzy of activity all day (its still Saturday, but now its about 12:30 in the morning). I am only sitting down because my body is too tired to keep going.
Kept busy all day. Very busy. This keeps my emotions from getting near me. I have to remain separate from them. Otherwise, I might start to think, I might start to feel, and have thoughts and feelings I do not want to have.
A little self-injury today, a little less food than I should have.
Don't really care. This weekend is about survival.
Get through Fathers Day.
That is all.
Block out the flashbacks. Block out memories. Block out his words and arguments and yelling.
Cannot allow.
My heart has been like a rock all day. I hope I will be able to be this numb tomorrow. All I have to do is survive Fathers day.
If I felt anything, it would be "guilty". Because I will still call him tomorrow, and say the things I need him to hear, because I need him to know how much I care, and I want him to feel important and loved and good... I don't ever want his feelings hurt.
I still cannot get him off the pedestal I put him on, despite the things that happened, the things he has said. I have parts of me that still idolize him, even as they ache from the pain he caused.
What is important is to not think.
Not feel.
Get through tomorrow in one piece. (Ha, so to speak.) I guess more accurate would be to say, "Get through tomorrow without creating any MORE pieces."

Posted by pilgrim | Filed under: Asthma