I need stability and something to count on
[RANT]
I was supposed to go see the psychologist this monday for yet ANOTHER (GRRRRR) test. But this morning she called me to reschedule AGAIN.
AGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
i told her how it is VERY hard to reschedule because I DO have a summer job (which she was sorta surprised to hear, even though I ALREADY TOLD HER THAT!!). She asked if we could reschedule for the 25th. fine, whatever. i was driving my car at the time and said yah i have fridays off so that sounded ok.
then after we hung up, of course i remembered that on that particular friday, the 25th, i have a workshop that I've had scheduled for 2 months so I cannot reschedule it, so i HAVE to go to it.
so i had to call her back and leave her a message to say i can't meet up with her on the 25th after all.
of course, it will be a few days probably before she checks her messages and calls me back to reschedule our rescheduled appointment.
I already don't trust her, from the time that she didn't show up for our appointment a couple months ago. (We were scheduled to do the Rorschach on a Friday, and I got there, waited for an hour and a half at her office, but she never showed. Turns out she was sick, but didn't get ahold of me. Later she said she TRIED, but had my wrong phone number. OOOoOOOKkkkkkaaayyyy. Either way, it sent me and Mae into panic mode, and ended up with an emergency phone call to my therapist, because I couldn't even function enough to get to the elevator and out of the building after that.) And she's had to reschedule appointments several times. Plus she scares the heck out of me. How am I supposed to go take tests and be myself around someone in a situation like this? I wish all this testing was just OVER with. I HATE THIS.
[/RANT]
I need STABILITY. I need to TRUST PEOPLE. People just can't be rescheduling appointments, changing things around with me. Things need to be predictable, in a pattern, the same. Otherwise it upsets me and everyone inside me causes panic attacks, and uproars. Now I've got more to deal with. Dammit. This is too hard to explain. But things just REALLY need to feel safe.
Maybe its a huge weakness of mind. But dammit, I am SORRY, with this sort of thing, people REALLY need to be careful. I can't tell them that though. Because it might look like I'm loking for special treatment, like I'm looking for pity or something. So I will probably never tell anyone, "please, I need things to be this way, please be careful with us about these things."
I just wish people would realize... everything inside is ... easily broken apart. So easily unbalanced. Everythings so unsteady as it is. It takes so much hard work just to be able to function in a normal capacity.
It takes so much effort just to hold my mind together to get through the day.
And i hate that.
I just wish people could KNOW... please, please, please. Keep things predictable. Help keep things stable.I'm so unsteady. Please I need all the help I can get. Surprises and changes just make messes inside that are very difficult to clean up. Things need to stay quiet. Please... i wish people knew to be just a little more careful.
And not change appointments. And not change their words.
There's so little to hang on to.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
