My Brain Hurts
I'm sitting here rubbing my forehead...trying hard to... wrap my mind around things.
"Nobody" went to therapy this morning, and since I wasn't there directly as ME, I can't be positive that I've got all the information right. But this morning in therapy, a conversation went something like this:
Therapist: stated how the different parts are not real people, just parts of me that feel different
Nobody: apparently took offense. defended herself that she IS a real person, that she FEELS like a real person.
inside my head: someone else (probably Missy) stomping around grumbling something along the lines of "like hell I'm not real" and getting angry.
someone else inside just aggravated at people who will never understand, never get it. 5 year old started crying because she wants very much to be seen as real. (AGH!!!)
I think Nobody said something outloud about the therapist just humoring me... something about making everything up. I remember feeling hopeless.
I'm not sure what else was said. I do know my therapist said something about "is this how you want to use your time today?" (arguing about whether or not you're real?"
OK. The thing is, they're NOT real. I mean, I know they THINK they are real. They act as if they are real. I have to act like they're real too, sorta, because I have to live with them. But I KNOW logically that they MUST be just dissociated parts of me... they must all be me somehow, even though it sure doesn't seem like it, even though they HAVE to be... I mean, they can't be real people, right? They don't have their own bodies... just their own minds. Where does one draw the line on what makes one a person?
But they dont feel like me, or act like me, or believe the same things as me. And they act on their own, and would have their own lives if they could, and... they are sure they are real, and...
this just hurts my head.
My therapist.... i just feel sorry for her. she's got one crazy client.
i feel so hopeless and stupid and screwed up.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under: Migraines
