Sometimes I wish i could go inpatient.
This is a really, really hard night for me. I'm fighting as hard as I can to stay present. Its so difficult though-- I keep feeling like I'm being sucked down a tunnel, through a vacuum. Having a lot of flashbacks tonight, of things from the past that still seem so real. A couple little ones inside are so upset, and keep coming up to the front, taking over, long enough to draw pictures of their memories, write notes that say things like "Plese stop". I get sucked into this blackness in the back of my mind when they take over and I hate it. I hate feeling them so close. My stomach hurts, my head is pounding, my throat is hurting, because theirs is, in their memories, of whatever happened. My hands hurt, but I have no idea why . Its like my hands are on fire, but I dont know what causes it, just that the little ones are having trouble. Sitting here typing is a huge task.
Everything in me wants to allow myself to sink back into the black fog, to give in and let one of the others take over completely tonight. I'm so tired and overwhelmed. But I'm not supposed to let myself do that. I have to fight it, supposedly in the name of progress. Plus, I'm afraid of what the little ones do when they're completely on their own.
One particular little one--- she will not.stop.crying. She. screams. I can't figure out exactly why, and I don't know what to do with her. I try to talk with her, but she can't talk back to me very well. Or maybe she's trying, but I dont understand. I just dont know.
I just...dont know.
sometimes i wish i could just give in. i wish i could just go inpatient. i sent away for information from one place that looks really good , and they sent me info about their program, and i heard great things about. but i doubt i can afford it. and even if i only stayed 2 weeks, my family might find out. and they MUST not find out-- this is not an option.
sometimes i wish i could just drop the little one off somewhere, leave her with people who are capable of helping her. because i am so confused and tired sometimes. sometimes i wish i could just give in. go somewhere and check myself in. tonight is one of those nights. But I dont really consider it an option for myself. I am supposed to be strong. I'm supposed to handle things on my own. I have too much to do for work, for my students, for my family. And of course there's the problem of money, which teachers dont make enough of and treatment centers want too much of.
I'm just worn out tonight. Because for hours and hours now I've been listening to an inside 5 year old cry, and she won't talk to me, and I'm at a loss of how to help. And somehow I have to make it through until I can get to therapy tomorrow afternoon.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under: Biofeedback
