Pilgrim's Journey > August 2004 Archives
August 4, 2004
I'm completely baffled. Monday went well. Good therapy session. My therapist and I were even talking about how I've met my goals for the summer for the most part. I felt really good about that. A little bit proud even. Then we also started talking about how every october, i tend to take big steps backwards in my recovery. i start doing more self injury and more eating disorder stuff. and i DO NOT want to do that again this year. no way. i've been trying to figure out why every october is so difficult. so i got into a conversation with my sister. which led to discussions about the past. which led to a lot of dissociating on my part. and ... DAMMIT...somehow i have really, really been losing track of time the past 2 days. My therapist called me real quick tonight. She said that she has gotten 8 (EIGHT!!) phone messages from me in 2 days. I was completely shocked. And not only that, but also that I had called and talked to the secretary, about cutting. What the HELL??? Why in the world would i do that? ______________ ack.I have really, really been losing time. I have no idea what Nobody, Mae, or the others have been doing. it scares me so much. it hits me that i have no clue whats been going on. i hate it when people tell me things that i've been doing, when i had no idea. i thanked my therapist for letting me know... that way i can do something about it, since i know now.... but geesh,i feel like such a clueless, shameful, embarassed idiot.
August 6, 2004
I've been back to work
I've been back to work for 2 days and ave been working like crazy. Being extra busy helps me keep my mind off things. I work through lunch, and work late. While I'm working, I grab a protein bar and a protein drink and chow down on them absent-mindedly while I rush around doing paperwork, making copies, and hanging things up on the walls of my classroom. I dont want to think about a lot of things hat are going on. Even when I get home, I bring work with me, to keep busy. I dont want to think. I dont want to feel.
August 7, 2004
A touching e mail
I received a very touching e mail from a member of this site today.
It was just what I needed.
I am feeling really down today. I went to group this morning, but i didn't feel like i could participate, because the others there were talking and laughing and joking around about sex and dating. how am i supposed to talk about feeling suicidal or being terrified over learning new memories, when everyone else is laughing and giggling? it would be so out of place... so just... try to disappear instead. i feel like no one cat help me.
i feel really, really alone.
i'm so glad i got that e mail today. It was what I really needed to lift my spirits.
August 14, 2004
We're living separate lives.
Everyone is living such separate lives anymore.
Everyone is fearful.walking lightly on tiptoes. waiting for the damn to break.
maybe if any readers want to ask questions
we could answer them here on the journal.
if anyone is interested.
developing relationships with alters
I do have a question if you don't mind. When there are ones that you don't talk to, how can you start a relationship with them?
There really isn't a relationship when people aren't even on speaking terms. That has usually had some negative consequences. Irons set down on the hand. A knife sliced through skin. Subtle hints of , "I'm HERE, I'm REAL, stop ignoring me." Sometimes the point is taken; sometimes the point is missed. Its just better if there is communication going on all sides. Sometimes it takes a LONG time to get any sort of communication going; I've really, really struggled with that, and its still an ongoing problem.
Hm..that sounded good, didn't it? I was trying to sound like Pilgrim. I'm pretending to be her this weekend. I wrote that because i know that's what Pilgrim would say, and how she would write it. I dont want anyone to know its me right now. Its probably pretty stupid, what does it matter if the people at the grocery store see this body inhabited by Pilgrim or by a nobody?
if i were answering that question that someone wrote in, (in my opinion only--not what pilgrim or Caroline would say)...here would be my answer: some of us dont want relationships. not with the others inside, not with the one who is the "host" (for lack of a better term)... there are some of us...who just want to be left alone. just left alone. i was fine for years and years being alone and forgotten about. by myself. it was better that way. it just was. now there's all this communication going on...and i'm being made to do all this stuff i dont want to do, like i'm not allowed to cut or purge or starve myself, i have to play by the outside rules instead of by my own. Its terrifying. At least when I was on my own, the only person i was hurting was me.
p.s. i'm sorry for my mood. i feel like i'm going to explode. i cant deal with whats going on right now. And Pilgrim just came around long enough to write, "there's so much screaming in my ears.." (yeah, well, no kidding. tell me something i dont know.)
August 16, 2004
Using a teaspoon when I need a bucket
I know whats been going on. Joining from some sort of half world that i've been in. Numb, distant feeling lost.
I just don't... feel like talking... I guess.
Caroline has been doing the teaching every day, thank goodness. But even she has been quieter. Everybody inside seems to know what's going on.. there is one specific thing that Nobody is dealing with, a secret she told. Pretty much everyone knows now. But no one wants to deal with it. I know I dont want to. Let her. ... she is the one who has those memories that she needs to resolve.
i dont want to have to deal with things that i dont remember. If something happened to Nobody, let her deal with it. I dont want to talk about it. I dont want anyone to make me remember things that didn't happen to me.
Everyone is disconnected... it seems like everyone's living separate lives right now. The kids are doing their own thing in their own little corner of the world. Caroline is trying to keep things together to keep teaching. Nobody is out there in the middle of her nothingness. There is screaming in my ears though, at times, and I dont know where it comes from. Things are so strange right now.
I feel like this is really bad writing... it has no focus, no direction. My mind feels like its scattered into too many pieces, like i have to run around scooping up thoughts, words, and parts of my mind, but I'm using a teaspoon when i should be using a 10 gallon bucket, so everything keeps falling back out.
I'll try again tomorrow.
August 17, 2004
Nervous about therapy today.
I went to therapy today.
I was shaking so hard, afraid to face her after what I talked about last time.
But she was nice to me (so confusing). it confuses me so much when people are nice to me... i dont understand it at all. I'm supposed to hang on to what i know... that i am telling the truth.. that I want a better life.
its hard. everyone else inside knows. i think they hate me.no one's talking much these days to teach other. i'm so ashamed. this is all my fault. all this breakdown inside. its all my fault.
I dont want to come out.
i'm here too... i just... dont have much to say.
numb. sad. very tired.
dont want to deal.
i want to hide inside myself, so that is what i'm doing. and i dont want to come out.
i just dont want to come out.
August 20, 2004
i remember one of the 1st times i heard someone else's voice come out of my mouth. i was around 12 years old. My aunt and grampa were visiting and staying at our house. I can remember getting out of bed one morning, and carrying my doll and baby blanket with me out to the kitchen. This was at 12, when I was trying to be "cool".
its like... I got out of bed, and I was there, but someone was walking in front of me that i kept...tripping over. i remember thnking something like "i feel so strange".
But there I was that morning, doll and baby blanket in hand. I remember standing in front of the refridgerator looking for something to eat. I wondered if everyone could tell that I looked different... I felt smaller.My mom said something to me and my reply was "But I want a Pepsi"...in a child's voice. A little child's voice. I remember now how it struck me as kind of odd, because it didn't sound like me. Yet it had come out anyway, this disembodied child's voice.and i was sort of back behind this other person, thinking, that didn't sound like me, i wonder if they notice i sound funny, and i remember feeling embarassed and afraid of being found out. and then i remember feeling silly because i had my doll and blanket and there was 12 years old and figuring they would make fun of me.
Over the years, of course, I heard plenty of voices in my head. I figured everyone was just that way, hearing voices. In 6th grade my teacher read a book called My Side of the Mountain, about a boy that lived alone on a mountainside for a very long time, and to keep hiMissylf entertained he learned to have conversations going on in his head, different voices at the same time. I remember thinking it was a little strange that he had to learn that skill, since i thought it was something that everyone just sort of knew. I was used to other people taking over and speaking through me. but it wasn't until about a year and a half ago that I heard one of their voices for REAL. and that shocked the hell out of me. Some time ago, my (no longer) best friend called me, and the answering machine went on before I picked up the phone. Unfortunately she called at a time when the 5 year old was out and having a hard time. So it was the 5 year old's voice on the answering machine, caught on tape. Later, when I was back, I saw that a message had been recorded...and was I ever in for a shock. When I heard the tape I heard the 5 year old, carefully answering the phone with a small "Hello?" "its Mae." Thats when it hit me: it was her voice I'd heard that morning when i was 12.
August 21, 2004
disconnected images... flashbacks
My husband told me I've been "out of it" the past few days. I couldn't agree more. I am so confused about what's been going on.
The past few days....weeks?... are just flashes of disconnected images. Nothing related. I'm having such a hard time following along with my own life. I am aware that Nobody has been around a lot. I can tell you that work is going well, and that things in therapy are hard. But things are connected. time passes by me in flashes instead of along a time line. This is what i can remember from the past week:
FLASH---- Nobody sitting in therapy crying about.....???what??? something hard. my therapist holds her hand.
FLASH--- I see Nobody drawing pictures in my sketchbook. Something is really, really wrong, and I dont want any part of it.
FLASH--- on the phone talking with my sister. but it isn't me thats talking to her. its Nobody.
FLASH-- My husband is waking me up. The clock says 8:30. "Is it morning or nighttime?" i ask him. I have no idea what day it is. I'm scared that I've overslept, on the couch, and am late for work. "Its night time," he says. Oh. But wasn't I just up doing laundry? How come I am finding myself laying on the couch? What day IS it? What have I been doing all day? No answers there.
FLASH-- I'm talking online to my sister. Caroline is there too.But we're talking about the past. What we are talking about, did it just happen a couple days ago? No wait, that was.... nearly 20 years ago. But no time passed. What's going on?
FLASH-- all of a sudden I'm waking up from a nightmare. I dont remember going to bed,but here I am. I dont remember saying goodnight to my sister or anything on the computer. I dont remember turning out the lights or getting in bed or anything. But now I'm waking up from a nightmare again. I have a lot of nightmares about being killed lately.
I'm trying hard today to remain present enough to know what's going on. But the flashes of awareness keep coming and going. Its like watching a really bad movie where flashbacks are put in but edited really badly.
forcing myself to post. wil this make sense?
trigerd. on tv. a man. remind me of someone bad that hrt me. a bad guy.makes me shakae.freeze. my heads all swirly. fogy. this is what it fels like to switch. headache komes. some1 else is here.Mae. i feel pulled away. tired. sucked in to a vacuum. switching...bye.
August 24, 2004
I need to express myself better
I wish I were a painter so that I could make worlds with paint. Or a poet. So that I could make worlds with words.
I wish I were an artist who could pick up a pencil and draw people a picture to make it clear what I'm fumbling with words to explain.
There is so much inside, this entire ,vast world. Things that I see inside, and sense inside, that can't be explained in words. I wish I could make a movie to show everyone:LOOK. This is what you think you know about me; now HERE is what the TRUTH is. You think you know how my plural mind works? You think you know how things are divided, how communication happens, who sees what? Take a look at this movie and I'll show you the TRUTH.
Today I feel really..frustrated.
frustrated with the lack of skills necessary to express myself.
i try art, webpages, writing journals, pitiful little drawings, sculpture, collages, boxes... you name it.
But nothing works. I am still trying hard to find the "right" way. there has to be something that i haven't thought of yet, that will show people. that will make a lightbulb go of in peoples' heads (my husband, my therapists, my ex friends, everyone I need to know)... and say "OH! NOW I get it. OK. I had my own ideas about what I thought I knew about you, but NOW I REALLY get it.
until then...i'm going to just sit here and have another headache and feel isolated and frustrated. there is so much stuck inside i cannot get out.
August 25, 2004
Do alters age?
Do alters age?Someone asked me this (thank you for your very kind e-mail)-- this is just true for us.... i dont know how it is for other people. but as for us it seems like no, no one does. I have heard from other people that those inside them do get older. I've heard that their therapists somehow help them through hypnosis, but i have no idea what that entails. But inside of here, everyone's been the same age forever. It just occurred to me... i wonder if its because...especially those of us who are younger... its like, we've stayed stuck at the age we were made at...maybe because we havent gotten over what happened yet. It seems like Caroline got some older... maybe its because she got over some things...at least, she acts older... but these are things are are just my opinion. i've been 17 for...almost 15 years now. i know that doesnt make any sense. people probably think "well, that'd make you 32 years old then." But it isn't true. I'm 17. I still look 17. I still see myself having my braces on. I can still feel my braces on, even though they're technically not there on my teeth anymore. Mae still can feel the gap in her teeth where her front teeth are missing. Claire's canine (??) teeth are missing because she is 8 and she can feel the gap where the teeth are gone. Tuck... well...lets just say he "knows" he is a boy because he feels like one... um........ yeah/. everyone "feels" their age and seems to stay there. well i have gotten quite off topic haven't i...i'm sorry. i just wanted to explain things from an insider's point of view since i was around again tonight. nobody
August 26, 2004
still having nightmares every night and still constantly terrified and on edge. feeling hopeless and unwanted and very much alone and unliked. like if i stood in the middle of a room and started to scream, no one would bother looking up. its just nobody. i feel hopeless. buried under tons of memories and guilt and pain and shame. suffocating. one of the inside kids got a package in the mail today from a kind friend. that just made her day to have her own name on a package. wish everyone we dealt with understood how important that is. how important it is to be seen as individuals and treated as such. instead of lumped together under the body named "Pilgrim" and treated the same.... wish everyone would realize that some of us are nothing alike...and dont share the same memories, past, family, or life.... today it just seems like...going to be hopeless forever and alone. not feeling worth anything. off on another planet. i'm always going to be alone. nobody
August 28, 2004
development of personality
Who's idea was THAT?
I can see putting together something for myself-- sure. But getting it published? where other people would be able to SEE it? yipes. I dont know about that. THAT'S going to require a lot of discussion before I agree to anything like that.
This afternoon on the Science channel there was a show on about the development of personality. It discusssed how people go through stages, how the maturation of our brain affects our personality throughout our lives. It really makes me wonder. I have ONE brain. Now, I've never had an x-ray taken of my head, and I may be a pretty bright person ;) but I can pretty much guarantee you that there is only 1 brain up there inside my skull. Therefore, 1 set of front lobes, 1 of everything else too.
But then... how come different minds?
How can Mae's personality be so well developed as a 5 year old, who's frontal lobes are CLEARLY not formed much yet?
How can Missy be operating from a moody teenager's point of view?
there are some inside who operate from a much more...primitive...protective area. There are some such as Caroline who can think on such a high level (much higher than me)...that she's got to be using much more of my brain than I do. But HOW does that happen? When there really, really, is only 1 brain, only 1 body, only 1 "me"? What happens inside of a plural mind?
These are things that I know are true for me:
I get very, very bad headaches. Especially when someone inside wants out, and I'm trying to stay present. Or if there's a lot of chaos or yelling in my head, and I"m trying to ignore it.
I get sick sometimes.
Caroline has never been sick a day in her life. If I'm sick, and Caroline comes around, my body feels better instantly. Whatever is wrong with me is instantly gone.
i love to read. I'll read anything. So will Caroline.
But Mae has to sound out words that have more than 3 letters, and she thinks being able to write her name by herself is a big deal.
I speak a little bit of spanish. Caroline speaks it fluently. Mae is learning enough to say a few words to kids at school.
The boys love steak, hamburgers, and any other kind of meat.
i would not eat meat if my life depended on it. Its just wrong.
Missy is extremely liberal. Caroline is extremely conservative. I am somewhere in the middle, i suppose, if I had to pick something I wouldn't be able to.
Missy is very outgoing, sarcastic, bitchy, and mean. Mae is a traumatized child. Tuck is a typical 8 year old boy. (sorry, 8 and a HALF! he says), The Bully is about 9 feet tall and ready to kill me at any time. Claire is a quiet little golden child who never speaks, never interracts with anyone besides her animals who live in her field of flowers. Nobody is constantly suicidal and planning how she will die, what she can do to punish herself, thinking about how the world is better off without her. I would never, ever, ever kill myself--- it is just wrong, and I have far too many things to live for, I can't even understand that kind of thinking.
There is more, and more, and more, and more, and more that I could say here... but I think maybe everyone gets the drift.
This is all so confusing. And I don't think that there are any therapists, psychiatrists, scientists, or mommies with the answers.
August 29, 2004
how insiders came to be
I'd love to hear more about how you find out others have been created, or that they have been there, you've just not seen (heard?) them.
Someone asked this a while ago and I've been working on finding a way to explain...its difficult. Just very complicated. Some things come to mind...
I can remember being around 12 years old and in my bedroom. I spent hours alone as a child, in my room. But I would talk all the time. I had what others considered to be imaginary playmates. But the other night I remembered how my "imaginary" playmates... were ...really there. They talked back... and I did what they said. I can remember having conversations with Missy, in my room. I can remember "seeing" her, sensing she was there beside me. I know that Missy was created when I was around 12, although I'm not positive why, but I do know that she easily handles my dad and his sarcasm and his... "ways"...so she was probably made specifically to handle him. And it was around 12 when things with my dad got much more difficult to handle. I would imagine that I created Missy out of a need for someone to help me deal with him.
Caroline has come up with a reasonable explaination for the existence of Claire, which I would have never figured out myself. Claire is a little girl with long braids, who lives in out in a field of flowers, among horses and kittens and rabbits and there is always sunshine. She doesn't talk, and hasn't got any desire to. She does some sign language. But she doesn't worry about interracting with people. Her world is only animals, and with animals, you don't need to talk out loud, all you have to do is talk with your heart. Claire seems to be more fluent in caterpillar, kitten, fawn, and horse, and with them you dont need words. And interestingly enough, Claire looks very very similiar to how my little sister did when she was around 8 years old. Claire is also 8. My sister was very quiet. Claire is very quiet. My sister is wonderful with animals. Claire is also. My sister always had her hair in long ponytails or braids. So does Claire. Caroline reasons that because I saw, when I was little, my sister as the one who didn't get hurt, who wasn't the target of dad's hurt (she was, I just didn't know it at the time)...that I created Claire in an effort to model my sister.
August 30, 2004
I am just too different.
.....am so lonely that my heart aches.I miss my best friend... even though i will probably never see her or hear from her again. i haven't heard a word from her since january. and i still have no answers about what might have happened or what she thinks happened or what ended it all. i'm as clueless as i was 8 months ago.
Tonight I was walking in the park where we used to go play on the swings and go for walks. I miss her so much. I could see other friends playing together and other women walking and talking. my heart aches so much. my friend used to come over and hang out on weekends. i spend most of my weekends and weeknights at home alone. i go for walks alone. i go to the park alone. i go shopping alone. most of the time i dont talk to anyone. my husband is either at work or very busy studying. When he can, usually on Sundays for a couple hours, he and i will hang out and do something together like play ball or see a movie, if he is able to take the time away from his work. And I know I am very lucky to have even that. But sometimes i just want a girl around to talk to, you know? I miss my friend so much. I dont know if she's even alive or dead at this point. I miss her so much.
I am just too different. I tried being myself. People tell ya, "just be yourself"... but that just seems to be a sure way to lose people. I am too different. My "best friend" said she cared, and said she wanted to support me. She promised to be friends forever, and she used to play with Mae and go shopping with Missy and play with Tuck and color with them and everything. But really, i should have never told her. Because i think that's how I lost her. By being myself.
I just want someone around. I just want some companionship. It seems like everyone has someone. not me.