I need an owner's manual.
I wish I came with a manual.
Something i could read when I'm stuck and confused like this, that would tell me what to do.
My head is so full of voices, yelling, and choas. I'm so tired of it. There have been at least 4 people out front tonight besides me-- Missy, Carol, the Bully, and Nobody. Some are just bossing others around. Some are just crying and wanting to die. I am just tired. I can't keep up with it all-- not today.
Its been a long week at work, and I am ready for tomorrow to be Friday. All I'm interested in doing is sleeping.
I dont know if normal people have this. This constant chaos and confusion. I dont know if other people have other conversations always going on in their heads. It goes on all the time, even now while I'm sitting here trying to write.
I'm tired.
Today in the teacher's lounge, a few teachers were discussing Homecoming and the upcoming football games and dances. They laughed over the price of mums, and dicussed dates.
I sat there wanting to scream, having flashbacks of my 1st Homecoming dance. It was with... "him".... the one who, even 10 years after breaking up with him, still haunts me every night in my dreams. The Homecoming dance was our 1st date.It should have been the last. I dont want to go into detail. But I should.have.gone.home.
I think I might start eating lunch in my classroom.
Last night I had a dream that I tried to stand up for myself with my dad. Which is something I would never dream of doing in real life. I put him on a pedestal. But last night in my dream, I talked back to him...frightening. Its this therapy stuff trying to sink into my subconscious, I think. In my dream he tried to blame something on me again that wasnt my fault, and I told him he couldn't do it. He got really mad, and I went into my bedroom to get away. But inside of my bathroom, he had waiting-- a man there who climbed up on top me and raped me. For talking back.
This is Nobody now... i'm sorry to interrupt...i just want to say i dont think we should be writing things like that.
i dont think we should be saying anything bad about anything, okay? so lets not write anything else thats negative. the best thing to do when we feel this way is to go hide away and not bother anyone. nobody
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
"I dont know if normal people have this. This constant chaos and confusion. I dont know if other people have other conversations always going on in their heads. It goes on all the time, even now while I'm sitting here trying to write."Heather hit the nail on the head. I have my voice in my head, thinking about different things at once, sometimes it's very hard to just get quiet inside. And, it's no where near the confusion and noise you've described inside and you aren't in control of the others' behavior. I just have to control my behavior.I'm so sorry for your nightmare, that was so awful. I wish you'd awakened before the bathroom man raped you.My parents are divorcing after 42 years, my dad's fault, infidelity, and I have avoided him pretty successfully. Out of the blue I had a dream a couple of nights ago that he was in and I told him off about how awful he's treated my mom and how neither I nor my daughter Jen would see him again. He raged at me as usual, but it didn't hurt as much because I've distanced myself from him in the real world. And whatever he says or does only affects me if it hurts my Mom.Praying you get some rest and sweet dreams, dear Pilgrim,Hugs, Judy
I think that the nightmare sounds really awful for you. I think also that it is okay to post that here. You guys wanted to know about a 'normal' person's mind. I'm not sure I'm 'normal' but I don't have DID. I do have a voice in my head, but it is my own. I'm telling myself things all the time. But also, I'm thinking. Constantly. Sometimes I can't shut it off. I imagine that may be what life is like for you guys all the time. I go to bed at night thinking things like, am I good enough? should I be over everything? and I have flashbacks too. I do have nightmares like the one you described. I pray for you guys often. I hope that all of you can find some peace. I can only imagine what life is like for you all, and I'm not sure I could do it. I don't think I'm strong enough. And that is saying something about all of you...you are very strong to have survived. Hugs,Heather