I went to Therapy today.

I went to Therapy today.I have missed S so much.. We had a semi-good talk. Of course, I was there as a screen, to give Nobody a break. I go in and talk about dumb stuff like how fat I am....we all know thats a big smokescreen to cover up what really needs to be talked about. ....no one could do it today... things were just too much.i mostly talked about how lonely i am...how I feel like my ex-best friend no longer exists since she hasn't spoken to me since January... my birthday coming up next week, how to handle Mae, who still thinks that people are going to show up for a birthday party (at this point it will only be Imaginary friends like her stuffed bears and the dogs .... i drew pictures of death and cutting the whole time. S said she let me get away with drawing those pictures this time, but not anymore, she wants me to use my words instead.... how do i explain to her that i wasn't even supposed to be the one to be there today, that Nobody chickened out at the last minute?But since I was there, I decided to talk a little bit, even though it was just surface level stuff.... ...its just so important for me to stay numb, how else am I going to function? Everyone else carries the emotions, its not my job....*sigh*
I dont want to FEEL. It isn't my JOB. My job is to keep on functioning. However I have to make that happen.
I'm starting to feel guilty for that though.
Maybe if I wasn't like this, then the others inside wouldn't be ....so much like...that.

Posted by pilgrim | Filed under: Migraines