its hard at night, especially
its hard at night, especially lately.
Mae is so paranoid and scared and panicky. terrified.
the rest of us are having flashbacks.
october is coming so fast, and its always been a bad month. since 1988. every october, there's a relapse into negative, unhealthy behaviors like eating disorders and cutting.its like every year, no matter how well i'm doing the rest of the year, every october everything unrattles.
this october i'm determined to do things differently. this october i'm going to get through it without the relapsing into the behaviors. doing a lot of hard things in therapy and trying hard to not get sucked into the black hole of eating disorders and cutting. its so hard though. the pull is so strong. I'm so depressed all the time that i only want to curl up in a corner, close my eyes, and let the world go by. i know too many things. there are too many secrets.
i decided to start sharing some of them with our therapist, S.
its terrifying.
today for the 1st time, i looked at her. i'm usually invisible. today i took my hands away from my face and looked up. terrifying.
she said i have pretty brown eyes.
it surprised me.
i didn't realize my eyes are brown. i dont look in mirrors. i thought my eyes were black.
nobody
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
