hey. my nameis ruth and im reading your journey from my bedroom in edinburgh, scotland. i am an art student and have recently been working on a project involving schizophrenia. it was in doing research for this project that i came across your journal. the thing that i really found incredible was the enormous amount of strength you have. i find you inspirational to think of how you live compared to me. everybody is so different, there are no two people the same in this world but it is so often difficult to live with our own 'differences'. i suffer from manic depression, which, right now, is quite settled but it pops up now and again. i know how it feels to be so frustrated with yourself for being so abnormal, so different. but the truth is, you aren't abnormal, you are different but not abnormal. what is normal? keep fighting, keep pushing, keep winning. you will win.i want to ask you why you go to church? please don't be offended by this question, i am just genuinely interested by your reasons. good luck. my thoughts are with you. i will continue to follow your progress.xxx

Sweet Pilgrim,You wrote:"The thought of having to make conversations, or even answer questions, is awful. I'm not comfortable with anyone anymore, except a very few people."This I do understand. The desire to cut all outside ties and do only what is absolutely necessary and hit the bed and stay there with the covers up to my head.I believe it's the depression, and knowing if I go out pain will follow and I just don't want to go. Also I think it's a social anxiety disorder (and I'm already on Paxil...the solution in the TV commercials). I only am around my dh frank, new son Garrett, my mom, my daughter, my sis when she's not pushing my buttons, and my docs and frank's docs etc. Kinda sad when your best friend is your pharmacist! ; ) Then somedays I don't even want to be around Frank or ANYONE. I actually have the flu right now, yup got it from Jen, and that's given me 2 days in bed in relative peace except for the noise Frank and Garrett are making as they spar and play to find their relationship. I smile at them and go back to sleep. I think I'm taking advantage of the 'germ factor' but hey, it's giving me time for me.I'm lucky to have one sweet normal gal pal. I used to sell AVON, during a good year healthwise, then when Frank was hospitalized last summer,2003, I had to quit and gave my clients and all my 'stuff' to Cindy, whom I'd met once and we'd really hit it off. She has a 6 yr old daughter Cassidy who is a doll and I love to visit with the two of them. Reminds me of the days I had with my Jen at that age, that kind of relationship. (By 18 the relationship is much different). She's very busy and I'm not, but I'm 'stuck here' a lot. We talk at least once a week and get together about once a month. Other than 2 neighbor families, Cindy is the only 'friend' I have that isn't family; other than old true blue friends from eras past whom I hear from at Christmas. But they're out of town so I don't count them.There are only a couple of places I go easily to, and that is this website and AMJ. It is helping me to share what's going on with me and inside, and sharing sometimes helps me to 'get it'. Yet, even on the computer I have the social phobia....everyone else in my family has instant messaging set up and uses it....not me, I'd rather write & be written back. No spontaneous contact from someone who I know but don't feel like talking to or who I don't know and try to hang up on.Anyway sweet gal, hang in there and if you need Caroline or Missy to take care of stuff, let 'em. You are not a freak, you are a survivor...thoug I'm sure it feels the other way around sometimes.You are a valuable precious worthy lady, having DID doesn't change that in my mind.Hugs, Judy