Its me, for a change.
Its me again, Pilgrim. I haven't been around for a long while.
Today was the 1st time I've really been with my students in a long time. It was really nice to spend the day with them, without Nobody or Carol being in front and in charge. It was just me, and it was a good day with the kids. I have such a good class. My students are all well-behaved, and I love them so much.
Yesterday I stayed home sick. I went to see S, my therapist, for 2 hours; luckily, she had an open spot for me. It was good to see her again. It hasn't been my turn for a long time. Or rather, I haven't taken a turn for a long time. I avoid going to therapy, I think, to avoid facing things head on. I'd rather let someone else handle it-- so someone else does come out to handle things for me. I'm great at hiding away and dissociating and making myself scarce. Well yesterday was a very low-stress day for me since I was home and didn't wake up until 11 a.m.,and went to therapy at 12:15. So I was aware enough of what was going on around me and fairly relaxed, and feeling brave enough to tackle therapy. I was glad I went. I like my therapist a lot, and I miss talking to her. She filled me in on some of the things that have been going on in therapy in my absence. Boy, do I miss a lot. We also talked about Nobody and her artwork, and how she is such a stranger to me and not exactly my favorite person in the world :( .
It wasn't until the end of the session when she was pressing me about something...I can't remember what exactly, I imagine it had to do with my parents, maybe ???...that I started getting stressed out and felt myself pulling away. She notices it when I do that and tried to call me back. It worked for a few minutes. Then I was gone, and Mae was there.
But I did make it for nearly 2 hours of therapy, and I made it through a whole day of school today on my own. I like it when I can handle things on my own. It makes me feel more competent. I think I would like to be able to stay present more often. However that would mean having to feel things. And I am more comfortable with being numb. I'm not ready to give up being numb yet.
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