no one would listen
My sister posted about what it was like when she had her baby. I just want to add something--- I DID believe her about how bad the pain was. My sister hardly ever complains. And that day she was nearly screaming. I damn well did believe how bad the pain was. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that she was in total agony.
I had been up for a 24 hours already. I was so excited about the baby being born. While everyone else slept for a few hours after Sammy's birth, I (being the pathetically ecstatic new aunt that I was) took Sammy into my arms and walked around the room with her all night long, talking to her. The whole ward must have been asleep except me.
Sammy and I talked about God. We talked about what my role would be in her life. We talked about men. We talked about faith. We talked about a LOT of things...that my sister is NEVER gonna find out about ;) heh heh.
I was just too excited to sleep. I loved Sammy so much, and I just wanted to drink her in, I stared at her, memorizing her features, every eyelash, every little line on her lips, every fingernail. I was in LOVE.
Then everything went wrong.
No one else was there-- just me and Cody.
The doctor was being a complete jerk. He wasn't helping. The nurses weren't helping.
I was spacing out and dissociating.
I remember hearing myself say (in a voice that was probably Missy's) "MY SISTER IS IN PAIN. DO SOMETHING NOW. I dont CARE where the doctor is. GET HIM. NOW. DO SOMETHING. NOW."
Missy was arguing with the doctors and nurses. SadGirl was watching from the background, not understanding a thing that was going on. I kept wanting to call my mom and get her to the hospital, but my sister didn't want me to step even a few feet away from her to go reach for the phone. I should have, but I refused to leave her.
I kept talking to her. Carol kept talking to her. Missy kept talking to the doctors. I was terrified, envisioning life without my sister, and knowing I had to stay by her side no matter what. I was seeing inside all the wonderful times we'd had together when we were little. I was praying so hard.
Damn that doctor. He was no help. I was ready to strangle him. He kept telling my sister to wait. I kept telling him, "She is in pain NOW. she CANT wait! DO SOMETHING!"
asshole. :-[
Finally her husband came back, and immediately started to panic. I was so mad at him. I had been on my own with her for 2 hours, and making sure I wasn't panicking, because I knew if Cody saw panic in my face, then she was going to feel worse. But her husband came in and immediately got all worked up. Finally Cody got into surgery, after hours and hours. Her husband and I went back while she was prepped for surgery. I refused to leave her side until the last second. The nurse kept telling me to go. I kept telling the nurses, "This is my SISTER. I am not going ANYWHERE. She's my SISTER." Thank God they listened.
While we were waiting for her surgery, I started switching, from the stress. I went to sit down by the elevator back in a corner. Exhausted. I wanted to stand next to Cody's bed while the surgery went on. I was pissed at my family for coming in and not being helpful. I was annoyed that no one had even said anything like "Thanks, Pilgrim, for hanging in there all by yourself for the past 3 hours with NO HELP."
I remember collapsing in a corner. SadGirl was starting to cry and tell me inside that she wanted my therapist, that she wanted to go home. "I want S. I want her. I want to go home. I want Cody. I want to go home." Over and over again.
I dont remember much else after that. I just remember picturing myself crawling into the elevator and hiding and getting away. Just went into suspended animation. I am pretty sure that Carol handled the rest of the day, when my sister came out of surgery, when things turned out ok. After something like 48 hours I finally figured I might want to get some sleep, but I was so afraid to. I mostly watched my sister sleep and prayed for her. I watched the baby sleep. I paced the hospital a lot, riding the elevators up and down most of the evening and into the night again, after all the family had gone home. I didn't leave the hospital that week. I moved in. I told them I wasn't going anywhere. I wasn't leaving my sister. I meant it.
(Later) P.s. this is just nobody. i was there too. i cant talk about it though. i wish i could.
i am so down this week. can hardly function. sleeping lots. waiting all day to go back to bed.
everything is too much. just feel so fat and heavy and retarded and alone. i just need october to get over with.
2 more weeks to go. i just want it over with. i dont know how i'm going to get over it. i hate halloween. i hate october. everything is terrifying and no one understands.
nobody
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
I've seen you write that Cody was the brave one. Well I think you're both pretty brave. You being there with her through everything, including moving into the hospital and staying with her after the surgery, shows your loyalty and strength and LOVE.When my Mom had a hysterectomy etc in 11/02, I was there with my Dad and sister during her 5 hour surgery. (was supposed to be 2 hours). When we got Mom into her room after recovery we all just sat and took turns holding her hand and crying. Even Dad, the ass she is having to divorce now. Anyway, it was decided that because I was too tired to drive safely home (FMS) so I would stay with Mom. Well MOM and I knew from the get-go that I would be there every single minute she was, and I slept in the chair the first night then a cot the next 2. She waked often each night and I was there to hear the doc's comments from their early am visits, which Mom would forget due to anesthesia &/or pain. Once we took her home, my Jen did Friday afternoon to Saturday am with Mom, and my sis who'd returned to work did Saturday nights and Sunday, & I did the rest of the week. I stayed there for 2 weeks. Frank and Jen were on their own. Then I commuted for 2 more weeks. Frank was hospitalized with diabetic gastroparesis (paralysis of his digestive system & stomach failing to empty) for 7 days in 7/03 & 10 in 10/03. I didn't leave him either. Well I did come home to shower every other day for an hour while his Mom was there. Inevitably, I'd miss something.I'm a firm believer that no one should leave a loved one in a hospital without a family member/BEST friend there. It's just not safe, the nurses are overworked, & if you are alone and too sick to complain, then they don't check on you for hours and that may be too late.Anyway, It's nice to hear that you & Sarah shared that first night bonding. Seems to have taken!Hugs, lots & lots, Judy