Social Outcast
Today was a workday at school. We had a long lunch. I went out to eat with a few colleagues. I was really quiet but I did eat a little. I had some chicken and about half a cup of rice and a roll, and I did ok with it. I didn’t panic or anything. (Good news!)
I just didn’t have much to say except for when my colleagues were talking specifically about school. They talked about things like what they did over the weekend, football games, relatives that came over. I just didn’t have anything positive to add to those conversations so I thought it would be better to say noting. Football games--- ex-boyfriend used to take me to them—hated them—he’d mess with me under the bleachers—even someone mentioning football games brings back flashbacks of wearing his letterman’s jacket (got blood on it once from you-know-what). What they did this weekend-I have nothing to add. I spent the weekend by the phone in case my mom called with an update about my dad (he got hurt-- I can't talk about it.), everyone inside was all riled up especially SadGirl (and who wants to hear stories about her?), and I curled up on the couch a lot trying to be invisible—what is there for me to share about that? Relatives coming over—I don’t want any of my colleagues to know that I have no one to come visit me. They probably think I have friends or relatives or something. I don’t want to say something and then have my colleagues know I’m a social reject. And I feel like I have to keep the rest of my life a secret. I don’t tell them of things that go on at home. I did attempt to mention that my dad fell off a roof and got hurt pretty bad this weekend, got a response of “Wow, that’s pretty bad” and “Ouch” and then they went on to other topics. I leave my home life at home. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to. I would really like to be friends with some of my colleagues. I just feel like I don’t fit in.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
what are social outcast? why are thier social outcast? and iam going to doing a paragraph. no clue what to say!!!
Sweet one,I know the courage it took to be vulnerable and share your Dad's accident with the other teachers. Their quick dismissal of it wasn't kind. And you do deserve kindness. At different times of my life, I've cloistered myself, only interacting with immediate family. Then I did feel stunted when I tried to speak to anyone else.Somedays are still like that. Social phobias they now call it.My sister has had issues for years (she's 11 mos younger than I) and as a result she's always kept a disgusting mess of a home, and could never invite anyone over, and didn't talk about the weekend because she was hindered by the mess and it would get her down and she'd stay in and down and depressed. She bought her first home (YEAH) last summer and I have to say she's kept it very clean, takes pride in her home, has had people over, someone picks her up for something they can actually come to the door and maybe inside rather than meeting somewhere in between. I know her mess outside was a symptom of the mess inside, yet they fed on each other, the 2 messes. She's doing better on the inside now too....or else it'd be visible in her home.None of that is the same as what you go through in your personal life everyday. And just dealing with work, marriage, parents, sis, and ... oh yeah 'alters', I imagine is overwhelming. Just eat your lunch and smile and nod and know maybe this is the best you can do 'today'; how much do you really want your co workers to know about you anyway, in the work world we all put on game faces, believe me they all have them on. They're talking about the game or visit, but what they're not talking about is the stuff that haunts them personally, whatever that might be.I'm reading up and you may get other posts as I catch up.