Touch
i wish i had someone to do things with. yesterday i went to a movie by myself , a drama called Woman Thou Art Loosed, and it was hard to watch, hard to not cry at the end. I felt even more alone.
Today in church I saw parents who were putting their arms around their kids, playing with their kids' hair, even hugging them. Why is that? is that because we were in church? are those kids getting tricked? do they get screamed at at home? There was a little 6 year old girl with her grampa. she had a dress on. I was scared to pieces for her. That just isn't safe, to let a little girl be alone with a man. What was he going to do to her after church? Why do some parents like their kids? And how come my parents never even got close enough to touch me?
I remember when I was 14, my aunt "K" married into the family. She was not much older than me, and I liked her SO much. She was friendly and outgoing and a nice southern girl, so different from the rest of my aunts up north. One day as she was leaving my house, she turned to give me a hug.
It startled the hell out of me. %-/
I had not been hugged since i was about 5 years old, and even that I wasn't sure about. I thought, there was like this family rule, about NO TOUCHING PILGRIM. Because I was bad, and dirty, and tainted, and grey.
I hadn't had a hug in so long that I didn't know what it felt like. But that afternoon, my new aunt K gave me a hug. It startled me so much that it sucked the air out of my lungs, and felt like burning on my arms. It repulsed and captivated me at the same time. I shook so hard afterwards and wandered around in a daze after she left.
Obviously, she hadn't been informed yet, about the family rule, about dont touch Pilgrim. Obviously she didn't know me well enough yet to know that I was Fat and Dirty and Gross and Bad and now Bad Things Were Going to Happen To Her because she touched me.
When I was little, i had been desperate for a few years, for contact. It wasn't until I was in 4th grade or so that I gave up and got the attitude of "no one better touch me because I dont want it anyway." Up until then, I felt so needy and so clingy, but never dared to try to reach out to my parents or relatives. I knew they were a no-go.
But teachers.... teachers were the objects of my affection. I was always in love with my teachers. And I wanted them to love me too. I would be so good in school, the perfect student, try to make myself so special and indispensible and smart. Then I would try to get near them. I remember 3rd grade in particular, I had a wonderful male teacher, and in 3rd grade I was for some reason even more desperate for human contact. I devised a trick of tying my shoelaces in double and triple knots, really tight ones, that I told him I needed help getting out. He was such a nice older man, he'd bend down and untie my shoes for me. Sometimes his hand would brush up against my ankle. Or he would pat my knee when he'd say "You owe me a quarter for untying your shoe again!" .
I would be so relieved. Touch. I'd felt the heat off of someone's hand, there was a re-assurance that I was still alive, that I was still real, that I was still touchable, even if it was just for 10 seconds while my teacher untied my shoes.
What do those kids I saw in church today have that I never did? How come they are deserving and I never was?
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under: The Bad Days
Oh I think Loving Sammywill teach a lot and heal a lot, for Cody & you,over time.Dear Pilgrim, I wish you lived nearer..if FMS didn't have me down on the day in question, I'd love to go to the movie with you.Can you tell from my stories and what I've shared with you that I'm a 'hugger' by nature? I think I would freak Cody out, cause I am a hugger....even on first meetings of special people. That means you!!!!Touch.....sooooo important in helping babies, children, understand themselves as separate beings from others and so therapeautic. Children who were touched with love, or touched with anger are still both better off than children who experienced no touch. Babies actually withered and died if they received no contact. (A psych. study I learned in college)I hope and pray that the kids in church aren't being tricked, and I can understand your being upset at the little girl alone with the man. To question 'why do some parents like their kids' breaks my heart....my question is why do some parents neglect abuse and make their children feel unworthy of good & love & safety.It breaks my heart to read how you thought it was because you were bad and dirty and not huggable.... Sweet One, it wasn't YOU, it was them. And it was horrible for them to neglect you and your sis. I wonder why they didn't know better, why weren't they better parents, what was going on in their heads to NOT HUG a precious daughter?????!!!!!!!!!1It's NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!You DESERVE love affection and safety and always have.Big hugs from your AZ friend raised with values and traditions from the South and who would hug you, so much! Sending cyber hugs, my dear friend!!Hugs and Blessings, Judy
You WERE deserving. It's just that our parents were totally goofy. I never remember being hugged that much. I remember trying to give hugs and mom would huff at me. So I never tried much after that. Now they will make comments about not ever getting hugs. I don't want to hug them now. I don't like hugging anyone now. Hugs make me shut down. Well no, some people I don't mind hugging. Like Aunt K or people like that. People that make you feel so warm. It's easy to hug them. There's nothing to lose to them. I just get sad thinking of you being a little kid and feeling so unwanted and not worthy. HORRIBLE. No kid should ever feel that way. It's an abuse of a different kind. Now I cannot get enough of hugging my baby girl. I can't kiss her enough. She'll always know how nice it is to be hugged and cuddled. She'll always be wanted and needed. I can't change our lives as kids...especially yours...but I can change my baby girl's. Maybe she can change some things in us too.Love,Your Sis