Pilgrim's Journey > November 2004 Archives
November 2, 2004
This week its been kind of weird. Out of the blue, Mae will start talking to me. I mean in a normal way. A lot of times when I hear her, its sort of like hearing someone down a long tunnel, or maybe through a …maybe a dense fog, kinda muddled, I guess you could say. Its like hearing her from far away, the words not very clear.
But then 2 or 3 or 4 times recently I have heard her plain as day. The other night just all of a sudden she started talking to me, unfortunately I can’t remember what it was about, maybe Christmas. I can’t remember what it was the other times either but I just remember that it happened, because it sort of shocked me. I didn’t ignore her or anything, I talked back (if I’m alone, which I usually am of course, I talked out loud, if I’m around other people, I talk inside). I thought we were sorta getting along a little.
(This was written a few days ago. I wanted to update my journal. Today is not such a good day. Something difficult happened tonight with me (nobody) and switching and I'm not sure what went wrong but I dont think therapy ended good today. I just want to disappear. I hate myself. )
oh-- they made it through october. for that they all gotta remember to be happy.
Caroline's going to make us all make a list of things to be glad about for this time of year.
November 3, 2004
Arguments over moral dilemmas
There is a lot of commotion tonight. Arguing. Missy,Nobody,me. We have all got too much going on and too many things to say and everyone’s fighting for attention. Everyone is wanting to write and talk but since the thoughts and switching has been going so fast, NOTHING got written tonight.
Wow, that paragraph took a lot of effort.
OK, it all started this afternoon with an argument over the right to eat what we want. Missy arguing that its her “goddamn right to eat whatever I want and that includes animals which were fucking MADE to be eaten!And sometimes I just want to have a freaking hamburger or steak if I want to and by God that is what I’m going to HAVE!” Then me and Nobody getting mad at her and arguing back that we are NOT, under ANY circumstances, eating anything that used to be alive or have a face, because it is just morally WRONG to eat meat, and we are NOT compromising on this position!!
(Which brought up maybe a 10 minute argument on, how are we supposed to decide something like that? How do you decide something like moral dilemmas when you all believe something different, absolutely believe YOU are RIGHT, and yet you are permanently sTuck living with someone who firmly believes the opposite? How are we supposed to SOLVE this one? We thought about asking our nutritionist, since this involves food, but then decided to be nice to her and keep her out of this.) Then Nobody getting more depressed, because really, what IS the solution to stuff like this? When she has to live with Missy who is a bitch, when we can’t even stand her half the time. But then Missy can’t stand us either. And how do you compromise on stuff when you have such different beliefs (from little things to big things--- from what is ok to eat, to discipline methods, to political beliefs [yah well then there are those of you who are like , “whats a president? DUH!], to women’s rights etc etc etc. Each of us is dead-set on what we believe. OK—1 problem--- 1 brain to share.
November 7, 2004
choosing a name
people keep saying i shouldn't call myself nobody. that they dont like referring to me that way. i dont know why. its who i am...a nobody. non-person. i want to be nobody, invisible, a ghost, i am just this lost ghost floating around, never really seen. about 10 years ago i had a secret name for myself, when i worked at a drug store. my therapist is the only one who knows what it is. Mae sometimes calls me by it. i have been thinking about maybe taking on that name. its so scary though. if i started calling myelf by a real name, what would happen? would people be able to see me? would i get found? would i get made fun of? would i get hurt more? i dont know what to do. the others, especially Pilgrim, like to have a name, because it makes them real. Pilgrim has always liked hearing her name out loud, having people ay her name, it grounds her in reality and makes her feel more solid, that she exists. Thats exactly why i DONT want a name. i am so confused and dont know what to do.
November 8, 2004
getting the littles to understand DID
Questions from *Judy* :)
Mae just could not get that maybe everyone inside of me is blended together to make Judy, that I always was safe. I saw her picture too, and she's just toooo cute. I was wondering if she asked this same ? of grown up [Cody]or the husband or therapist? And what should I answer??
I think that Mae asks everyone that question. She just assumes that everyone has other people living in their heads with them, I think. Just tell her the truth, that no, not everyone has other people living in their head with them. I dont think she understands the answer, but maybe eventually she'll understand.
Mae told me she lives in the back, in the dark, and takes a tunnel to 'get out'. Is that how it is for you & the others? Are you in the dark? Do you have any kind of life 'within' Pilgrim, or only when you get to be outside?
I, Caroline, am not in the dark at all. :) I'm up front with the adults...hm, what I mean by that is, physically and psychologically located up toward the front of our mind, where all us older girls are at. I have a life mainly when I am "outside." I work full time. I listen in on conversations though usually, I try to keep an eye on the kids when they're out. I try hard to make sure everyone is safe. I have a positive, full, bright life. My life is good.
November 9, 2004
Therapy is hard
therapy is hard. flashbacks. hiding again
November 10, 2004
i'm so scared about something. i dont know if i have the ok to write about it here or not though. but something's going on and i'm so scared, it involves my sister and her husband... i am just waiting anxiously to hear from them. i have tried to call her several times in the past couple days and have e mailed too but haven't heard from her. there's something going on with them, but we wont know anything til tomorrow, and i'm so worried and anxious and afraid, it makes me sick to my stomach. i just want to be there with them. sometimes i hate living thousands of miles away.
i see my therapist again tomorrow..
scared. want to be invisible. disappear.
November 13, 2004
loneliness and isolation
I wish that I wasn't alone all the time. I am so lonely.
I wish I had a friend to talk to or do something with.
I am always the odd one out. I wish I didn't feel so
completely alone and isolated.
November 15, 2004
Fear makes me want to crawl away in the darkness and hide, is that the way you feel? (posted by an Anonymous commenter)
Yes...that is how I feel. I don't feel like I can confront my fears (and there are lots of them.) nobody
I can confront some fears. Sometimes I like to be brave, I just need a little pep talk first. Pilgrim
Mae's whole self seems to be fear-based. She's afraid of EVERYTHING. But she's learning how to get over her fears with our therapist's help. It seems like when Mae learnshow to do something, it helps everyone else.
Missy isn't afraid of anything. That has gotten me into trouble more than once. She walks down a darkened street with a strut and and attitude, while others (like Nobody, for instance) walk own the street with her head down low and afraid to look at anyone.
The Bully likes to make people afraid of HIM. Its certainly worked on the rest of us. And during the years when the Bully was at the front the most, my friends were afraid of me. I'm sad to say that during those years, I (in the loosest sense of the word) was a very mean person. :( My friends were afraid of making me mad at school. I would threaten them, hit them on the arm if they didn't do what I wanted. On the outside, the Bully was in charge, while on the inside, it was just me and Nobody, who were terrified of people, terrified of the Bully, and were hiding deep inside during those years and more than happy to let the Bully have control on the outside.
November 16, 2004
Support group for multiples
Yes, I did go to a multiples support group here in town for over a year. It was really good for me at first. It was a place where I was finally around people like me, who understood. It was incredible-- other people who had the same symptoms and problems. It was helpful, a little bit. But then there was someone who started coming on a regular basis that was very triggering, and it came to the point that I couldn't be in the same room with him. I decided to not go anymore.
As for the bully,I think hes sort of a shield for you,maybe your hiding behind him for protection,maybe he makes you feel safe,do you think that could be it?
Yes, I think that the bully does make me feel a little safer. He will come around and not let anyone hurt him. The problem is though, he is only protecting hiMissylf... internally he is against the rest of us, and uses threats and punishment to control everyone else inside.
have you ever gone to a multiples support group/do they even have one near you?
November 17, 2004
i just need to TALK
I need so much to talk to someone right now. I NEED to. there is no one. Missy's yelling inside at me, "STOP being such a BABY!" .. God, I just need to talk before I explode. (Stupid dramatic teenagers. you know how we are. My dad always tells me "stop acting like a teenager". Im 17. what am I supposed to act like?)
Mae is upset... she got very triggered tonight when I read something somewhere, and she realized that something stressful is coming up . She's hard to calm down when she gets like this-- she needs to talk to my therapist. And guess what, therapy isn't until tomorrow afternoon. Mae has no sense of "wait." She's 5. she needs the bad stuff to go away NOW. dammit... and she isn't listening to me. Why would she? I'm freaking out just the same.
The holidays are coming up..being around family members who are very triggering and very scary... its extremely hard on Mae, it takes weeks to get her ready to go, and then takes her weeks or months to recover from it... I dont know how my therapist handles it every year.
I wish I had someone to talk to. I wish I had a friend. I wish there was someone I could just call, and get ahold of, someone I could just..talk to, you know? On my cell phone, there are a bunch of phone numbers saved. They are for doctors and therapists,mainly. Which I can't call, because my therapist doesn't want me paging her anymore...I'm sure she probably has good reasons. The other numbers are for places of work. The people I can actually call to talk to are my mom and my sister. My sister rarely answers the telephone; i almost always get the answering machine, but she doesn't have time to call me back, which is completely understandable, she has got way too much to do and never enough time to do it all. That leaves my mom. If my mom isn't home, that leaves no one to call. And I can't talk about anything real with my mom; we talk about work, the weather, food, superficial things like that. Husband is often at work, and works nights. Which means we aren't home at the same time. I cant call him at work; he has clients and meetings.
Somehow, I am sure that all of this loneliness is all my fault.
My heart hurts... aches. Its like there's this ache inside of me that's an electric current that I can feel deep into my heart, and runs all the way down my arms, it makes my hands ache, my eyes ache, my heart ache.
I want to go away. i wish I wasn't me. I shouldn't be here. i wish i could make this stupid need to have a friend just go away, because I dont think its ever going to happen.
God, I wish I could make all the bad stuff go away for a little bit. I wish I could get away from it.
November 19, 2004
When you meet someonewith multiple personalities
This is a list that has been compiling on my website...originally it was quoted from another site (http://www.howlingthunder.net/defining/meeting.html) , then myself and members from my website have been adding on. Please....pay attention.
November 22, 2004
Webpage on dissociative identity disorder
Tonight I just have a webpage I want to share. Its from the Multiplicity-Abuse-Healing network... I wanted to write something like this, but not feeling like I am of very many useful words lately... so here is the website instead. I am posting it because I feel its important to get this information out to the public...to raise awareness; there is a lot of misconception about what multiplicity is-- people think there are certain "rules" you have to follow to be a "proper" multiple... this webpage helps clear things up a bit.
Thanks for reading.
November 23, 2004
Its my turn to talk
THIS IS Missy AND I AM SO PISSED OFF. EVERYONE GET OUT OF MY WAY AND LISTEN. NOW.
i am so pissed off.oh fuck off everyone and get the HELL OUT OF MY WAY so I can write. I don’t care what you think. Shut your fat mouths and quit WHINING!
I just got back from Dr x’s office. SO WHAT? I went to see her. I am ALWAYS the one who goes to see her. I don’t give a fuck if you don’t like it you guys. I don’t see any of you volunteering to go.
I want OFF all of these medications. ALL OF THEM. I don’t need medications.
LISTEN TO ME:
THIS IS MY BODY! MINE! And I do not want to take any medications anymore. I told Dr x today. I tried to be NICE about it. I tried even being Caroline-like about it. I tried to sound like pilgrim (even though, JEEESUZ you sound so PATHETIC)… telling her I wanted to start taking control over my life, setting boundaries, wanting to do things on my own without medications—which is stuff I KNOW you guys have been discussing. But no now you guys are all whining because I went ahead and TOLD her that…fucking babies. Well of course Dr x(who is apparently the expert on ME and MY BODY and my LIFE) wasn’t happy that I’ve been cutting down on your meds (yes, I have been… who cares? You guys should have been paying more attention, losers.) How about being clear-headed for ONCE? Youre so lost in your foggy little heads that you don’t even know WHAT the fuck is going on. So go ahead and blame this mess on me but you know what, I am just trying to get things to the way they SHOULD be. Jesus fucking Christ. I am so tired of living with you. THIS IS MY BODY. MINE! I WANT OUT OF HERE! I want to talk to the therapist. I want to be like dad is and be able to call down to her office and demand that she gets on the phone--- that’s what works for dad. But NO she is on VACATION.
I HATE YOU GUYS!
Dr x asked if I’ve had any anxiety or suicidal thoughts. I said “not me personally.” See… I even threw her a bone there…she could have said “what do you mean ‘not you personally’?” And then I could have explained to her that I, Missy, have NEVER had any of that shit…I would have happily explained to her that you guys are the losers and that I am completely separate from you.
I AM SERIOUS. I WANT TO GET AWAY FROM THEM. I HATE THEM. THEY ARE RUINING MY LIFE!
from Caroline...now that Missy's had her fit.
I’m sorry I tried to salvage what I could out of the appointment with Dr x… Missy was in the way, I couldn’t get around her… I tried to tell Dr x that I wasn’t trying to be difficult (maybe Missy wasn’t trying to be difficult either, she was just trying to stand up for herself…*maybe*…*sigh*…God Missy what WERE you doing?)…
Guys… we have to work something better out or Missy is going to keep doing this. We can’t let her go to Dr x anymore. One of us is going to HAVE to figure out how to be present enough to make sure WE are there instead of her. You KNOW how she is. She’s just like dad…and he’s completely anti-medicine… you know she’s probably doing this because we’re going to be seeing Dad in a month and Missy’s just trying to identify with him. I don’t know… maybe she means well, maybe not, but either way, we cant let her run around like she owns everything, we’re going to have to find a way to work with her. Yeah I know, how. I don’t know. I’ll think of something…I’ll need more time to work on that one. She really needs to go talk to [our T]. I think we should force her…don’t know how we’d manage that but there’s got to be some way.
…this is so much to handle on my own right now, what am I even going to do with them?
I need to do some research this week. I don’t even know about WHAT, but I need to figure out SOMETHING…in SOME area… to help.
What a conundrum our life is.
Let me sort some things out…maybe writing will help. Man, my brain is full. They better read this later.
Ok…here is what I know.
Theres 1 body. (sorry, just 1, no matter what everyone perceives.)
Everyone sees themselves as their own person…yes, even me, even though I know better… I just forget sometimes. I know better.
At work, I (Caroline) take over completely from 7:30-4:00 as soon as I get inside the building (even if Nobody is the one driving to work)…that way every day is a good day at work, and that way our performance reviews are always high…thank goodness. No more days like at ____ elementary when Mae was popping out here and there, we’d hide in the bathroom, etc…thank goodness we’ve got a handle on work now.
after we leave the school building everything is up for grabs… we can all feel it. As soon as the kids get on the bus, I’m (Caroline) pretty much gone… and Por nobody takes back over.
nights and weekends, lots of switching goes on, depending on circumstances, what’s on tv, what people say, memories that pop up, what we read in a book, a certain smell or taste of something, being triggered by different things makes someone else take over.
if they fight the switching, they get bad headaches which makes everyone miserable and the noise inside escalates. If the switching is allowed to happen, the headaches go away, people are allowed to say what they want to and need to, there is less fighting, less noise. Whether they like it or not, when everyone gets some time out on their own, it helps.
When Nobody is around… nothing gets done. She is too depressed/anxious to get housework or any other work done. She’d rather just lay on the couch and stare into space…everything else is too much effort…she doesn’t want to do anything.
When Missy is around… she will pay the bills, do the housework, go shopping, do research on weird things. (And apparently, Missy goes sneaking around and doing things that the rest of us don’t know about!!)
the kids will play…content to color, watch PBS, whatever… most of the time. Mae …well… we all know how she is.
P just tries to keep up with what’s going on and tries to get through the day any way she can…exercising, getting on the computer, reading, playing with the dogs.
I like to enjoy the day if I can…yoga, reading, helping friends online, doing webpages, things like that, but I don’t do much if I’m not at work. Work is my life—those kids are my life. I have friends I can talk to on the internet, but most of them just want me to listen to them, want my advice. I’m ok with that.
Here is what else I know: this fighting can’t go on…neither can this disorganization…communication has gotten better, and everyone’s been making good progress in their own ways…but as a group, we’re not working together that much… what is getting in the way? (Ahem…or maybe the question is WHO?)…sorry. That was petty of me.
I have to figure out…what to do… I think we need to stop seeing Dr x and find someone who knows about D.I.D. stuff… and then I (Caroline) will go talk to them…. And let them know what’s going on with everyone. Missy has ruined things with Dr x.
This is not a crisis. I keep telling everyone that. We really need to learn to contain ourselves.
What if I'm just a freak?
But i dont want to have DID. The others inside even try to convince me "sorry, this is what you've got; we're real." But... I hate being this way. Its embarassing...humiliating. I just want to be normal. I just want 1 person in my head-- just me. My therapist treats me, and the others inside. She talks to all of us. She works on different areas of treatment with all of us. She calls everyone by their names. She treats everyone well. I guess she believes we have D.I.D. too. She sent me for tests last summer...to a psychologist who can diagnose DID. The testing didn't go well... there were actually 5 of us taking the tests, the personality tests, inkblot tests, and everything. It was last summer, but I've been too afraid to ask my therapist was the results of the tests were, because how could they be accurate, when there was so much switching going on? :( I dont want to have d.i.d. I dont want everyone inside to be real. it explains everything about my life. but i dont want it to be real. i'm ashamed. i'm afraid. i feel like a freak. I want them to go away. Even Caroline, one of the ones inside who is so helpful and has a lot of wisdom, even SHE is telling me, this is real, kid; we're real.I dont want it to be real. I just want to be me, and me alone. i dont know what to do or who to believe. I dont want to be like this. What if i'm just crazy. What if I'm just a freak.? :(
November 24, 2004
Do i just resign myself?
Last night in bed, I was thinking about what I wrote her..about denying everyoneand their existence. I realized that I've had this conversation with my therapist quite a few times; with myself, countless times. This whole "they're real; they're not real; they can't be real; of course they are real" record plays in my head on a regular basis. I dont know why I do it...it doesn't get me anywhere. :( When I try to "make" the others go away, and force them to stay inside, not let them talk, when I try to ignore them, I always end up paying for it in a big way: getting my hand sliced open, having an iron set down on my hand; finding threats from them written in my notebooks; something in my life gets sabotaged by Missy or the Bully.
One of these times, I'm going to learn.
Thank you Theresa, for your comments:
How are you able to function and have relationships, how do you control it? Does therapy help you with this and do you ever think youll be just one person someday?
Able to function really well at work-- thank goodness. Caroline takes care of work. Its her job. I (Pilgrim) am a really good teacher...its something I've always wanted to do, I've always had a talent for it,and I love little kids. However, I'm hardly ever able to shut my mind off in order to concentrate on my students and my job, so when I'm working, I'm still pretty distracted. But Caroline-- she's a pro at teaching. Nothing distracts her. When she's at work, she's all about work and nothing gets in her way. So Caroline handles work from 7:30 to 4:00 every day. I dont know how it works. All I know is that, no matter how depressed I am, or whatever is going wrong with me in the mornings, or even if its Nobody driving to work, once we set foot in the building, Caroline takes over.
After work,functioning is questionable...it just depends on who's here. Nobody-- she can't get much done; she's too depressed to do much. I (pilgrim) sort of plug my way through the day the best I can. We can usually rely on Missy to get bills paid, housework done, and shopping done-- those are things she is good at. I guess that everyone just does what they can.
Relationships...well those don't go so well. I dont have many. I dont have any real-life friends. My sister is my best friend and always has been, but we live really far apart. Caroline has good relationships with people at work-- she can make eye contact, joke around with people, make people feel comfortable, and she's good at helping others. Nobody-- she can't make eye contact with anyone, not even our therapist; she's too afraid to be around anyone at all. Its different for everyone. Relationships are complicated; a lot of them haven't worked out. A lot of times its been my [our] fault. Sometimes it has been others.
Therapy helps a lot...although i think my therapist deserves a medal, a commendation, a raise, and a trip to Hawaii for dealing with me the past few years.
November 27, 2004
Wish I had a friend.
i am just lonely. i want to talk to people but i just dont know how to do it right. i am just really lonely for a friend right now. i guess thats all i have to say.
November 28, 2004
Just too many voices tonight
Lots of voices tonight inside making a ruckus and I can't tell who is who. Nothing is clear eough to tell. I just can't concentrate on anything right now. Something is stirred up inside but I'm not sure what. On the outside I am looking really calm, just sitting here typing on my laptop. But inside I've got chaos. I've learned to hide it well. I used to "freak out" a lot more. Panic attacks, and crying on the outside a lot more. Thanks to some medications and teaching myself to appear more blank I've gotten better at hiding it. I bet no one would guess right now by looking at me that I feel like screaming my head off. I bet no one, my husband or my therapist or a colleague, would ever think by looking at me right now :she is going insane inside her head.
Well guess what. :(
November 29, 2004
Question from a reader
I do not mean to impose upon you, but I need some help in trying to ascertain a young child's psychological situation. I believe this little girl is being abused by at least one and possibly both her parents. I was witness to an event which I would call abuse one time, but have also seen bruises on her that were explained as "accidents". A year ago she displayed an alternate personality by the name of Sally, her mother attributes this to an overactive imagination. This year I just saw her again at Thanksgiving and my daughter tells me she overheard her speaking to yet a third person by the name of Maria. I am very concerned about this situation and do noy know where to turn to for help. This little girl is my husband;'s neice and there is a sad history of depression and abuse in this family. I really want to do something to help but I need to make sure I am on the right path first. Why would this personality situation not draw the attention of teachers or other people? i hope I am wrong. Thanks for any help you can offer. This whole thing is making me physically ill.
For this... I really can't say, since I'm not a doctor or therapist or anything. You'd have to know the little girl better and know what she's going through, whether it might be other personalities or imaginary friends or something inbetween or something else entirely. A lot of stuff that I went through didn't draw the attention of teachers or others either. Perhaps you could talk to her parent. The little girl would need to see a profession to find out if there's anything going on with her. I'm certainly not qualified to judge anything especially over the internet.