What happened to me? What went wrong?
I've been thinking, trying to figure out how I got this way in the 1st place.
Why did I end up so different...(Missy puts it as "what the hell HAPPENED to you, crazy girl?)
My life wasn't that difficult. I always had a roof over my head and food on the table, its not like I was ever kidnapped, saw a building get blown up, or fought in a war. So what happened?
When I was very little I was extremely intelligent... I picked up on things that most children probably don't. I was highly sensitive, probable too much so. I could pick up on the "vibes" of people around me, the environment in the room, I could practically feel what everyone else in a room was feeling. I spent a lot of time alone, playing by myself. I learned to depend only on myself...and created own worlds for myself. I also couldn't handle it when even small things would happen, they'd have a huge affect on me; being so sensitive, I couldn't filter out a lot of things. I took everything in; every sight, every comment, every noise... it always felt like things hit me like bricks. I remember starting to get headaches when I was about 4 years old. I would ask my mom for aspirin and she'd give me baby aspirin, small orange chewable tablets. I'd be disappointed; I wanted Excedrin. I was also trained to be obedient, a good little girl who said yes to whatever any adult told me to do... that seems to have set me up for a lot of other incidences of abuse, I guess is what my therapist says. She said something once about being "groomed." Then once incidence would happen...and I'd get overwhelmed and not be able to handle it. And then something else would happen...and something else...and something else. And I'd go inside to protect myself...I had this chant I'd tell myself over and over to put myself in a trance-- "Not me,not me, not me, not me, not me..."...until I was so far away inside that I would disappear, and I'd escape. And then it'd happen again....and again. And someone else would come out to take care of the problem for me. But then they'd get hurt too...and they'd learn how to go away inside.
So now here we are.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
