working really hard- Family First by Dr Phil
We have been working very hard to get everyone on the same team. We read this book by Dr Phil McGraw called Family First, which was really, really helpful. We had to modify a lot of the wording and adapt some things because this is not QUITE a family, but a... system... but basically what it all means is everyone taking responsibility for things we've each done wrong, looking for ways we can contribute to helping things get better inside. Then we answered questions from the book,and we're working on making a "handbook" so to speak. This is what's been accomplished so far this weekend, based on Family First
Ways I’m responsible for problems in our team:
I often get in fights with Missy and the others
I often call Missy a bitch
I have disagreements with Missy, Carol, nobody
I put down nobody.
I put down Missy.
Sometimes I make sarcastic comments about Carol being so “perfect” even though I know she doesn’t deserve them.
Sometimes I ignore the others.
I often say they don’t exist which always leads to problems.
I don’t pay attention a lot of the time to things that are going on. I just blank out and let others handle things.
Things I will do (grrr…even if I don’t always feel like it) to help make things better:
Respond more appropriately to Missy and everyone (like listening instead of saying “shut up”)
Refrain from calling Missy a bitch. Instead, listen to what she has to say and try to see her side. (I think this one will be very difficult)
Do not put down anyone else inside.
Stick up for them instead.
Show appreciation for the things the others do/have done, by saying nice things, giving them time to do what they need to do, listening to them, sharing things with them.
Stop saying they don’t exist.
Try harder to stay present more often and pay attention to what’s going on (I think this one will be the hardest because I just don’t DO it enough, I’m too used to spacing out.)
P.
Things I can do (Carol)
I haven’t been facilitating things the way I should be so I need to start doing so. Gosh I run my classroom in a certain way and I hadn’t thought of the fact that we could all work together as a team in the same way too. So I think it would be a good start to look at how we run our class and use the same ideas.
I have been too preoccupied with doing everything on my own with no help. It would probably be better if I asked for some advice and help at times.
Nobody what do you do that contributes to problems and what can you do to help make things better?
Please answer next time you are around.
Things SadGirl sometimes does that contribute to problems: yell, cry, doesn’t listen at times (although you do most of the time thank you).
Things SadGirl can do to help things work better: well you have been doing a LOT better with a LOT of things, so that has helped a lot with everything. You have made a lot of improvements this past year. So pretty much just keep up the good work. Keep using your words to talk instead of shutting down or cutting or yelling.
I do it only I want to talk to sharin more
Missy: what you have been doing to cause problems has been quite obvious
What we need you to do to help make things better:
Stop sneaking around
Stop taking over
Stop pretending to be others
In exchange we will be: listening to your side more often; giving you time to do what you want to on your own; giving you input on decisions
Making a system work better:
1.Create a nurturing and accepting system
2.promote rhythm in our lives
-do things together, establish standars of conduct,be accountable for your choices, stand up for each other
3. Establish meaningful rituals and traditions
4. Be active in our communication
5. Learn how to manage crises
-- stay calm, close ranks, communicate, keep things safe, draw on resources we have, be open to solutions, find meaning in what is happening
Better ways to communicate:
adopt a genuinely open attitude and treat everyone’s communications as legitimate
give them your undivided and unhurried attention
tuly listen to what they’re saying so that your responses are relevant and therefore of interest
listen for the underlying need that is moviating their communication
Negotiation with others:
Treat each other with respect
Treat each other as reasonable and intelligent human beings
-if someone has pride of ownership in a plan, they’re much less likely to rebel against it
-people who have ownership in a plan are much less likely to thwart it, because that would amount to an admission of failure on their part
-children especially will gaina sense of security if they feel a sense of power
Four Steps to Successful Negoation
Narrow the area of dispute – 1st identify things you can both agree on
find out what it is they really want—find the need or desire behind the request
work hard to find a middle ground in which both sides give a little and get a little
be specific in your agreement and the outcome of the negoations. Describe behaviors in great details so its easy to measure when there’s been compliance
make negotiated agreements, shorter term in the beginning and longer term after a period of adjustment.
Stay focused on the final result (cooperation, working functionaly) not on the intervening distractins
Find out exactly what everyone (especially Missy) is willing to work for
How we want our “family” (sorry, I will come up with a better word) to be:
Supportive respectful disciplined caring free
Creative easygoing loving cooperative helpful
Fair honest moral healthy strong
Responsible compassionate patient empathetic
Generous kind courageous trustworthy successful (definition of success varies by person though)
We can all agree that we basically all as a whole want to be seen this way.
Pick 3 and write personal statements for them.
Respectful--Our family will treat theMissylves, one another, and other people with dignity and respect.
Cooperative--Our family will treat theMissylves, one another, and other people in ways that show cooperation and attempt to find a common ground when dealing with one another.
Healthy-- Our family will make healthy choices with our selves and each other such as eating some healthy foods and taking medicines and ALL taking turns going to talk to our T.
For each of the 3 values described above, write 3 ways we will behave to model these values.
Behaviors required to model that value
Respectful--
listen to each other
stop telling each other to shut up
do not call each other names
2.Cooperative—
a. work together on things like this
b. share time
c. take turns doing things that you want
3.Healthy
a. take medicine—NO more cutting down without telling the others
b. eat every day whether you want to or not
c. everyone take turns going to see our T, this includes Missy going once
in a while, and Carol, and not passing over SadGirl just because she is
little.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under: Biofeedback
