A note from Carol
Hi everyone,
This is Caroline.
First of all, I wanted everyone to know that last night we changed our personal website a little bit, if anyone would like to go look at it again. It used to be more of an information website on dissociative disorders, but now it is more of a personal website about all of us.
Its really lovely outside today even though its cold out. The sun is shining brightly. Sunshiney days just realy make everyone happy. I'm hoping to go for a walk later. I had a good night's sleep last night.
I wanted to share a few things that I've come to realize lately.
Tuck has been complaining quite a bit the past couple days-- mainly because of the whole-- you're all 1 body/ 1 earthsuit discussion-- which really upsets him, because he sees himself in every way as a boy. He knows he's 8 1/2 years old, and that's all their is to it. We all see him as an 8 year old boy from head to toe. He does not come to the front very often, unless he's out in the woods playing by hiMissylf or playing with SadGirl, because he realizes his voice sounds funny (like a girls), and when he talks to anyone he gets very nervous and I've noticed that the few times he has talked to an outsider he tends to stutter a little. But he's a very sweet, polite little boy. The other day I was trying to figure out just how Tuck came to be, and I think I may have come up with an answer.
At age 8, she (Pilgrim) LOVED school. School was a haven, this safe place, with an amazing teacher that she loved to spend every minute with. A teacher she could hold hands with, help out in the classroom, a teacher who told her she was bright and creative and inspiring. But then came the last day of school. This is what she can remember:
she didn't want to get on the bus. She couldn't stand the thought of leaving school for 3 months (probably the only child in the world who moped around on the last day of school!). She held onto her teacher's hand as long as she could. Kept telling her teacher she didn't want to go... but finally had to. Stared out the window of the bus, wanting so much to cry but trying hard not to, aching to be with her teacher again. The song "Crying" (by Roy Robinson, maybe?) was going through her head. She didn't want to go home. She had to stay at school. She finaly caught the teacher's eye, and they waved to each other. She started to cry just a little, but then stepped back inside herself to disappear. She was 8 1/2.
I wonder, perhaps, if that's around when Tuck came. I dont know for sure of course. But I just wonder. That year she got a boy's haircut and took up football and motorcycles. That summer she started running around in the backyard with no t-shirt on because "all the other boys are allowed to". And of course, the single happiest day of Tuck's life was the one day when his dad took time to play football in the backyard with him. The one day. Which he refers to over and over to try to convinc himself that his dad loves him-- "my dad played football in the backyard with me once."
I also wanted to say that I'm proud of Nobody. You know what she wants? She wants to join the teaching team at school, along with me and Missy and Pilgrim. She's never wanted to do anything before. She isn't ready to be teaching yet, really. She doesn't know what to do with herself when she's there at school, but at least she has gone to school and sat there with the kids and tried to talk to them, and that is something! In time maybe she will be able to take on some of the teaching responsibilities that the rest of us do. She's working hard to do better and I think that's great.
Caroline.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
