Loneliness hitting me again
*wow* . i just got hit by a wave of loneliness and despair. It was slowly coming as I was out on a walk... I was missing my ex-best friend. We used to take walks together, and I was lonely to have her beside me. I miss sitting on the couch with her too, holding hands or sitting with her head on my shoulder or her playing with my hair. Its the little things I miss.
Then i read a note someone wrote... it was Judy, and many of you here at Healthdiaries know how caring,loving, and deephearted she is. She wrote that she needed to stay with her mom, who was upset, and she wrote "I can't let her down when she's crying and needs me."
It reminds me of what my sister says when she's with her daughter, how she can't let her daughter Sam cry, she has to be there and help her. I am so selfish--because I am so jealous. I would give anything for someone to say that about me. Anything. I didn't have my parents there when I needed them. If I cried, I got sent to my room until I could come out with a smile on my face. If I cried in front of my ex boyfriend, he got angry. I rarely cry anymore-- I shut down instead. my husband is busy. He isn't home much. I can call him at work if i need to... but he is often with a client or busy. He has often gotten annoyed with me if I start crying. My therapist-- well, she's got an hour, that's it, if you're still crying when your time is up, then tough on you.
I have a stomachache, I feel so yucky inside and lonely and... bad.
I feel like the only thing that's ever been here for me is my eating disorder and cutting.
not quite as nice as having a person.
its all i have for now.
Gosh I am so...
jealous
lonely
stupid
i wish i had a friend. anyone. any kind of relationship where the person would say "I can't let Pilgrim down when she needs me."
i'm sorry. this was a stupid post. :(
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under: Biofeedback
thank you. I look forward to reading your diary
It's sad that mom and dad weren't ever there for you. I shut down too when I need to cry. I really try not to cry, and I try not to need. I convince myself that I don't need anyone.
Why couldn't mom and dad just accepted us for how we were? Why did we always have to be so damn happy. It's okay to need...to be held...to cry. I know Sarah will grow up knowing this.
But what about us? I don't think there's any hope for me. I would rather shut people out...it's easier. But sometimes, I think it would be nice, to let myself need.
It's not selfish to want something like that. I wish I could send a real-life friend to live down there near you. Someone you could call, hang out with, someone who wouldn't desert you.
Believe me, it's not selfish to want that.
Love,
Your Sis
Your sis wrote:
>>>It's not selfish to want something like that. I wish I could send a real-life friend to live down there near you. Someone you could call, hang out with, someone who wouldn't desert you.
Believe me, it's not selfish to want that.???
I have the same wish for you.......
Hugs & Blessings, Love Judy
awww pilgrim I've been following up on you for several weeks now. Never think that you are not special. Because of you, you have inspired me to start my own health diary to educate people on did and child abuse. Thank you. I would love to be your friend and be there when you need me. You are very special.
--Heavens---