look-a-likes
I look just like her. My mom. Which is a good thing, in most ways. My mom is one of the most beautiful people you’ll ever meet. We both have really long hair and light colored eyes, and she’s lost some weight recently and I’ve gained some [um… due to my “eating disorder recovery” efforts…so this is supposed to be a good thing, or so I hear]. We are about the same size now. Herein lies the problem.
Over the holidays, and today back at work when I was showing off pictures, I heard a lot of this: “You look just like your mom!” Again, good thing, right? She’s beautiful, so this is a compliment.
However.
She lost weight. I’ve gained some. We’re about the same size.
I will not, not, NOT, in no way ever ever, be happy about being the same size as my mom, I don’t care HOW beautiful she is.
Every time someone says I look just like my mom, I freeze up inside.
They mean well. They also have no idea what they’re saying.
When I was a teenager, both my mom and I were the same size, only much much heavier.
My dad made it a big joke about how much we looked alike. Same hair, same eyes, same…body.
He would come up behind me around the corner, bumping into me a little too close. “Oops, thought you were your mother.”
“Geez I’d better be careful whose boobs I pinch around here now.”
He would joke with his male friends, “P looks so much like her mom, I might accidently have sex with her and not know it.”
And on, and on, and on.
If I look like her again, I’m terrified that the same comments and actions will start up again. I CANNOT let this happen again. I may have been a young teenager then and not known what to do, but I DO know what to do now. I refuse to let my body look anything like my mom’s. I don’t want to go through all that again, what I had to before. Everyone's comments bring back so many bad memories of things my dad said and did.
I feel like I have a layer of blubber all over my body. I have been afraid to look in the mirror for weeks now. I’m too afraid of all the fat that I’m going to see. Now that I’m back home and the holidays are over I can work out more seriously and take off just a little more weight. People say that I’m already thin and that I eat like a bird but I just don’t understand it. They are obviously seeing things in a really mixed up way, I hide my weight well or something. I wish I could afford liposuction. And a personal trainer. I have to do something about my weight. If I can just get it back down to 100 pounds then that would be really good.
*sigh* i dont know what to do.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under: The Bad Days
Hey Sis.
Hey I wanted to tell you that I think you look thinner than mom. She has really skinny legs, but her hips are wider and her tummy still sticks out a little from her C-sections. Your tummy is flat and your hips are like a teenagers. Did you notice how loose her jeans were on you in the hip and belly areas too? Yeah, her pants weren't falling off of you, but they didn't exactly FIT. I mean, they were big.
You have to believe me. I have no ulterior motives. Trust me, the fat lady, who weighs 230 pounds, those jeans were big on you. I got good eyes for this stuff.
I think Mom just wanted to brag because she has really overcome something in losing that weight and getting thinner. She looks great, we all know it, and she knows it too. Which is good. But ask dad and he'll tell you that he "thinks she has more weight to lose yet". F-ing pig. Dad is an a$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$.
I know there's nothing I can say to help, but I justed wanted to give my opinion. I think I have a good perspective, because even though I'm fat, I feel good about myself now, and I can see things with a clearer eye. Trust me, you look great. Look at our family picture. You look great. I was looking at pictures from four years ago and how terrible thin you looked with terrible bony hands and shoulders and terrible bones sticking out your hips. You look so great now...perfect...don't change.
Love,
Your Sis