Dissociation out of control
Some times, I believe that I have all this under my control (yah, face it, I'm delusional sometimes *sigh* ) Sometimes I think that I must be making everyone up. I want to pretend they're not there. That they're not real. Or that yes, I dissociate, but really, its not so much a problem.
But too often it just gets out of control. Even when I try to keep it under control, it still gets the better of me. I try hard to stay "here", stay present and at the front of my mind, but then one of the others inside takes control, and I only can stand back from the inside and watch, helpless, as they take over my body and my mind.
I think it has been like that ever since I was in kindergarten or 1st grade. The 1st time I can remember for sure is at age 6, when I got upset, but withdrew inside. But at the same time, I must have gotten a red crayon and scribbled all over the walls in anger. I dont remember doing it... although I've not mentioned this part to my therapist or to anyone else... I've always taken responsibility for it. I just remember SEEING it, the red marks everywhere and it being too late to fix it. But I was the one punished for it. At the same time, I was beginning to slip inside more often at school too.
I'm trying so hard to figure out why all this started happening... why I started to allow myself to slip down this tunnel to where I am now. I want to get my mind under my own control.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under: The Bad Days
Thanks Paul.
I was just reading something similar in this month's issue of Psychology Today.
I am going to look up the book you mentioned.
I don't know if you are getting these messages since Ia m writing them a year later as I am reading the entries now. It seems to me that things go better when everyone is listening to each other. everyone has needs and likes and dislikes.I think when you all treat each other the way you want to be treaqted and listen to each other then you can all help each other and 1 person doesn't have to do it all. Everyone wants a voice and to be needed and working together makes everyone feel needed and takes the stress off of 1 person doing it all.That is just my opinion but remember when you were reading Dr. phils family first book and it was helping.donna
I tried to comment on your previous entry, but it said that it didn't exist... which was confusing ^^ I'll post the comment here instead:
I've always believed that 'mental illness' as medical science calls it, is nothing more than an extreme state of mind. To call it an illness, and call certain thought processes 'symptoms' is to compare it with a physical disease.... which it more than obviously isn't very similar to.
Thankfully, I'm finding that a lot of medical scientists agree with my ideas as well, and there is a small but definite push within medical communities to re-examine the ways 'mental illness' are diagnosed, treated and thought about.
I've just ordered a book on the topic, which sounds like it could be very interesting.
('Madness Explained' ISBN: 0140275401 on amazon.com)
...although it's maybe not quite so relevant to DID/MPD, as I specifically had schizophrenia in mind when I bought this.