Questioning everything takes a lot out of me
I think I have mostly just slept for the past 3 days. Its hard for me to get to sleep, but once I do, I just sleep and sleep and sleep for hours. 11 hours a night. 13 hours a night. I'm exhausted. When I get up, I'm still exhausted and want to sleep more. I want to take naps. Yesterday I took a 2 hour nap and then was still exhausted.
Something is going on in my mind.
It feels like a shift is trying to take place.
Internal people are trying to work things out... trying to find different perspectives on life.
Was it all my fault? Or maybe only partially? Was I as bad as they said I was?
Was it all Mae's fault? Is she as bad as she thinks?
Was there really MAYBE something a little bit "off" about my family and the way we were raised?
Was something possibley not quite right with my mom and dad?
I dont know. I just dont know. All of these memories, flashbacks, hints, old tapes, are running themselves inside, over and over again. I can't deal with it. Thus I sleep and sleep and sleep. I dont want to face it myself!! But I think that the 5 year old is thinking about this, trying to figure things out for herself.
Help, I can't deal with this. I have to go.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
You wrote:
Was it all my fault? Or maybe only partially? Was I as bad as they said I was?
Was it all SadGirl's fault? Is she as bad as she thinks?
Was there really MAYBE something a little bit "off" about my family and the way we were raised?
Was something possibley not quite right with my mom and dad? " And that Sad Girl seems to be thinking about all this.
Sweet Pilgrim, No, none of this was your fault. You were a victim and made to believe a victim was what you were meant to be, that you deserved no more. What happened when you were 5 was not at all your fault, not even partially. SadGirl is aware of all that happened and believes what she was programmed with, that she was a bad girl and that's why she was being harmed, she was being 'punished'. She's not at all as bad as she thinks, but the bad people and the bad things are so bad and a traumatized little girl believed there was no other way of life, so she believed the negative programming. Was there something a bit off in your family, something strange about Mom & Dad? YEAH! Honey your T will help you and SadGirl deal with what happened. Your dad was more than strict, he was abusive, and your mother was more than distant, she enabled him. The things that SadGirl revealed to T thursday were terrible and hard for her to deal with and then she was left alone and wanting to cry, but unable to 'because Daddy sees everything and I'll be punished, I'm not allowed to cry'. Yes SadGirl was thinking about all of this when deciding to burn up and die. I'm so glad you and I talked and that you reminded me taht YOU don't fit in the fireplace, and telling me a house fire is one of the worst fears you all share. I'm sorry she cut, and I'm glad she didn't burn. YOU really DO NOT deserve to be punished, by anyone. You all really don't deserve to punish yourselves for crimes of others. You deserve to live free from terror and to have hope.
Hugs and Blessings, Love, Judy
Ditto what Judy said above about Mom and Dad.
There was something terribly wrong about things they said and did (and didn't do). I still often wonder if I'm as crazy as dad said I was. That's abuse. What happened to you was far worse than what happened to me.
No one deserves to hear that bad things are supposed to happen to them because they are "bad". It's wrong. It's abusive. It doesn't leave physical bruises, but it takes twice as long to heal.
I'm sorry I can't be there for you as much as I want to be. But I wish that I could.
Love,
Your Sis
I know what you mean about sleeping... sleeping so you don't have to face anyone, or yourself. It's a way to shut out the world. No one is ever as "bad" as they think. I know personally I am one who would treat almost anyone better than I would treat myself. I suppose what I want to say is don't judge yourself so harshly. We should be more gentle with ourselves.