March 1, 2005

A day off schedule

I'm not switching today, believe it or not. I've managed to get through the day pretty much on my own. But my whole day is off schedule. I'm supposed to go to therapy on Tuesdays; this week I have to wait until Thursday. Its hard to accept changes at all. Its hard to feel so unstable. I really need to be able to count on things to be consistent. I know its good for me to have to face changes once in a while... that just happens in life... I need to get along even when there are changes in schedule, even when there has to be something different for snack, even when things dont go the way I wish. But I've got so much anxiety inside.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:19 PM | Comments (0)

March 2, 2005

Wishes

I am so overwhelmed and busy and lonely.
I have been getting rid of things that were gifts from my ex-best friend. I can't stand the pain of looking at them anymore... I can't stand how it makes my heart and stomach twist around to see reminders of happier days when I wasn't quite as lonely and depressed. My heart aches with loneliness. I just want a friend here with me. I want a shoulder to cry on. I want someone to even just sit here on the couch with me and talk. Heck, they can talk-- I'll listen. I dont care.
I miss my dog who died 4 years ago. I keep thinking if she was here, things would be so much better. I KNOW they would be. If I had her. If I had my beautiful, angelic golden retriever back, so many things would be better. She was my best friend. And I am missing her so much tonight that I was just sitting here staring at a picture of her, touching it and crying,trying as hard as I could to wish her back into existence. I have her collar hidden under my pillow case. I think I will be sleeping with it tonight. Somehow holding on to it, with its extremely faint scent of her on it.... it makes it seem more like I can wish her back here with me.
Today at work I had an actual conversation with a colleague. I have to be so careful though. I can't talk about my personal life at school. I'm so ashamed of the way I am, all this dissociating and different people inside, I just know I'll be rejected AGAIN, just like I have been in the past. I can't let anyone new find out how terrible I am, that I switch or anything. I'm so ashamed of being this way.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:43 PM | Comments (2)

March 3, 2005

Something BIG in therapy today

Huge.
But we need to let the 5 year old tell it.
But she did something big and brave and terribly, terribly hard today.
Her heart and stomach hurt terribly. Our T sat with her and rubbed her back.
We'll see if we can get her to talk about it. It's been a very long, stressful and hectic day on several fronts... i think we need to sleep. a lot.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:04 PM | Comments (1)

March 5, 2005

Really good day today

We had a really good day today!
It was also a fun day.
We volunteered to help do some digging and planting. So we spent the day moving rocks, digging, using tools,moving heavy stuff, and getting very muddy.
As our 8 year old boy insider wrote in our journal today, "I GOT TO BE A REAL BOY TODAY!!" He was so happy. He got to play in mud, he got to use a pick ax, he got to see frogs and catch fish. I'm not talking a little muddy. I'm talking MUDDY! Mud,rocks, frogs, tadpoles, dirt, shovels-- thats his thing.
For a little bit we felt the 5 year old nearby, watching. I knew she was there because all of a sudden I was having trouble reading and understanding directions putting something together. Often times I'll be fine and then one of the kids comes around and I suddenly can't remember how to read/ tie my shoes/ turn on the stove/ etc.... today I was looking at the directions to put together something and didn't know what they said. So the little 5 year old was there hanging around watching a bit too.
It felt really good to get out and work hard for hours and hours today. It felt good to volunteer and work with a few other people, even talking a little bit and socializing some. We hardly ever do that. It felt good to use all my muscles (even though they are really sore now!!) and work up a sweat and help other people by volunteering to make something of theirs more beautiful.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:24 PM | Comments (1)

March 6, 2005

I am not sure what to say right now, but...

i thought i would say hi.
its been a long time since i wrote anything.
i've been hanging back a lot. I'm just quiet, and sad a lot. I dont feel like doing much. I would like to have a turn soon to talk to our therapist, but I know that the little 5 year old is really working hard right now, I dont want to interrupt her sessions.
I'm really lonely, confused... not much help to anyone.
nobody

Posted by pilgrim at 4:21 PM | Comments (1)

March 7, 2005

I'm a freak

i'm fat and stupid.
i'm an idiot.
i should never trust anyone.
i should never try to make friends with anyone.
i'm going to be alone all my life
i cant keep any friends because i am a FREAK.
everybody leaves me
i'm fat and disgusting ugly and stupid
i want to cut my arms up until they're shredded. its the only thing that helps make the pain go away.
i dont care.
i dont care.
i am a freak.

nb

Posted by pilgrim at 6:48 PM | Comments (9)

March 8, 2005

when i did go into the wall

#1 the funny thing. Goldfish crackers come in the mail today from judy! her sent me lots of them in a box! bbunches! shhe is so funny. and there is lots of them. 6 bags of goldfish. judy is so funny. i did need somthig for a smile

today it did be hard when i talkt to s.
i told her when i did go into the wall the 1st time. in kindergarden at the mean techers class at the sschool
when the techer did yell at me over evretyhing and her saed i was bad all the time evn if i didnt do anyething
adn the precher at schol he wud yell up on the stage abot going to hell and he was scary
and the techer she hit you with a ruler and did make you stand in the corner if you did aneything rong.
the pepol in the l unch room they did be rel men also
the techer her oways yell at me. her saied her had to keep a eye on me cos i was bad and wikid and i got in trobol if i rung the bell to loud or if i didnt make my 9s rite
1 time i yelld her sent me to the corner that was the last day efver
:(

her told evrebody to lok atme
i wantid to disaper :(
haf to hold your hands behinde your back
:(
so i did go into the wall and i disaper into the wall
thats waer i stayd for lotsa time

my T her askt me who did come out then but i dont no

its sad to rimember
:(

Posted by pilgrim at 5:59 PM | Comments (1)

March 10, 2005

dissociating a lot

i'm really spacing out
there's a lot of switching going on lately. moreso than usual.
there is some really tough stuff being talked about therapy. I dont remember what the 5 year old talks about, but i do know its really hard on all of us and is tiring. I'm exhausted.
spacing out again. i cannot keep grounded.
or maybe i dont even want to.
i feel myself fading away again.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:44 PM | Comments (0)

March 11, 2005

not breathing well is a trigger

I have asthma, have since i was little.
not that i was ever taken to the doctor for it.
It got worse and worse over the years.
Currently I also have bronchitis.
I can't breathe very well and I cough a lot.

not being able to breathe is such a trigger

when i was a teenager... i was in bed sleeping one night in my bedroom
i started dreaming that i couldnt breathe.
I COULDNT BREATHE I COULDNT GET ANY AIR

I woke up and THERE WAS A HAND OVER MY MOUTH

there was a large figure standing over me in the dark, hand over my mouth saying "dont scream".
it turns out it was my boyfriend (the asshole)... he had snuck into the house in the middle of the night.
my heart still pounds so hard every time i remember. handovermymouth-handovermymouth-handovermymouth-and I.cant.breathe.
I can never get enough air.

Posted by pilgrim at 4:19 PM | Comments (0)

March 13, 2005

I dont want to know.

I dont know quite what to say right now. This is Pilgrim.
I have had to try to get away from everyone inside.
I know this isn't something I should do. Its a bad idea. But I do it anyway.
I haven't given anyone time to write in our journal.
I have pushed hard to stay present and not let anyone take over.
Its been exhausting me.
The 5 year old wrote about things that happened in Kindergarten, and I tried to write a note to my therapist about what I remember about Kindergarten (which is virtually nothing). But it triggers flashbacks that I cannot handle and I just shut myself down. I can't talk about it, whatever it is thats wrong, I dont want to face it.
So I have just been trying to stay away from it all. From all of them. From all of the memories.
I just dont want to know. I dont want to think, or feel, and I dont want to know.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:32 PM | Comments (2)

March 15, 2005

It didn't happen to me!!

Today I made myself, Pilgrim, to go therapy. I had to force myself, as the whole drive over there I kept slipping back to the back of my mind, trying to get away. But I know I need to go check in with my therapist once in a while. I want to know how things are going with the others, find out what the 5 year old is working in-- I rarely remember anything at all from her sessions. I also like to make sure she's getting paid on time and if she's getting my e-mails, and be sure the kids aren't causing any trouble when they come in. So I got updated on what has been going on the past couple months, especially with the 5 year old, and what they've been playing, and what she's been working on.

We go onto the subject of me dissociating... well, of course, its just what I DO, just what HAPPENS. I told her how I'm not around much anymore-- and I dont really want to be, anyway. I can't face the things that theyre talking about. I dont want to face the things they're talking about. I dont want to even know. I just dont. I've had ENOUGH.

What happened to the others DIDNT happen to me. It didnt.
My therapist says, "I think you know the truth Pilgim."
NO. NO. NO.
No I dont.
It didn't happen to me.
None of it.
The terrible, yucky things that happened to the 5 year old, the things that she tells my T--- they happened to HER! NOT ME!
Yah sometimes it might have been my body that was there, while I dissociated, went away, disappeared into the sky or into the wall. BUT THAT DOESNT MEAN IT WAS ME!!!
I was never abused.
I was never hurt by my dad, uncles, or anyone.
IT WASNT ME!!
It happened to THEM.
it wasn't me. i dont want to know. i dont want to think about it. i want to go away. IT WASNT ME.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:59 PM | Comments (0)

March 17, 2005

negativity

i hate being this way
i hate everything
i hate losing touch with everything
i hate the embarassment and shame and stupidity of it all
i want to escape
i hate EVERYONE inside. i want them to GO AWAY. just GET OUT OF MY LIFE.
leave me ALONE.
i want you guys to go find someone else to haunt
i 'm tired of dissociating
i'm tired of nightmares
i'm tired of not sleeping
i'm tired of all the noise in my head
I'm REALLY sick and tired of your flashbacks and bad memories
GET OUT

Posted by pilgrim at 6:59 PM | Comments (0)

what the 5 year old wrote to us

today i did go play with my T
and we got out the littol pepol

her hdid act out what her nos gos on
and how you do be sayin I HATE YOU I DONT WANTA NO YOU
that maeks her fristratidd
it dont be help ful

i do gota work hard to not say im bad becos that maeks you gise more mad and you dont want to be arond me if i be actin up so i do gota maek sher i be caerfuler
i do gona werk hard
her say i do be doin my part

her say it dont be help ful if you got black boots on and keep sayin you dont got black boots on and if you do prertend you dont see the black boots
you be [prertending i dont be here but i do

my T is gone on vaketshin next week sad
her say i can do a proeject
i can rite her notes adn emails

her no you do hide b ehind me somtimes and her say i can tell you dont do that and even tuck can help me say it. that is scarey. her say somtimes her needs to talk to the grone ups but you hide beind me . to get away. but i can tell you dont do that if you do. her say i can have a difrint time to talk.
i dont like it wehn we fite. dont fite anemore ok?
we do have to be niice an get a long and be a famle. her say we dont have to be like dady's famle. we just can maek up new ruls and maek up are new famle inside
and her can help us but you gis gotta start helpen out and dont be disapren all the time

Posted by pilgrim at 7:01 PM | Comments (0)

March 18, 2005

denial and not doing my part

ugh.
Yah, I know, I am doing a crappy job of being the hostess of this party .

From what I can gather, the "black boots" thing has to do with denial.

I know I need to do better with working with everyone.

I am not doing my job very well. I am not nearly as brave as the 5 year old.

I know I need to do a lot of thinking.

I think they must have been talking yesterday about me...about me not wanting to face stuff??

I want Carol to be the one in charge. She does a much better job of running things. Let Carol be the main person. I dont mind taking a back seat. When Carol does stuff, it goes so much better.

Mostly I guess i want to live in my own little world, and not deal with anything-- its easier... I've been doing it all my life, why change? Yah, I hate all the chaos and confusion, all the forgetting and the gaps in memory. But I must be comfortable enough with the status quo because I'm not doing much on my own part to change that.
That annoys me.
I want to change and I know I need to change, I know the way I do things doesn't work very well.
So why aren't I doing more? I NEED to do more! Me, myself-- Pilgrim. I need to do more. And be consistent about it.
crud. I need to figure out what to do.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:24 PM | Comments (2)

wasting time and energy

I am wasting time and energy right now.
I know what I need to be doing-- i need to be thinking, working on therapy stuff, on what I need to do to help things work better. I need to be journalling the things I'm thinking about (the past, everyone inside, why I dont want to work with them, denial, etc).
Instead I sit here and waste time staring into space or looking up useless information on the internet.
My excuse right now is that its late night Friday. I'm tired, I'm sick (why not take my medicine and get to bed, the smart thing to do?)

I try to stay detached from my feelings all of the time. Feelings are too uncomfortable for me. I always stay at least one layer away from them. All i have to do is dissociate a little and let someone else handle everything for me when its their turn. I dont have to feel anything.

Posted by pilgrim at