Pilgrim's Journey > March 2005 Archives
March 2, 2005
I am so overwhelmed and busy and lonely.
I have been getting rid of things that were gifts from my ex-best friend. I can't stand the pain of looking at them anymore... I can't stand how it makes my heart and stomach twist around to see reminders of happier days when I wasn't quite as lonely and depressed. My heart aches with loneliness. I just want a friend here with me. I want a shoulder to cry on. I want someone to even just sit here on the couch with me and talk. Heck, they can talk-- I'll listen. I dont care.
I miss my dog who died 4 years ago. I keep thinking if she was here, things would be so much better. I KNOW they would be. If I had her. If I had my beautiful, angelic golden retriever back, so many things would be better. She was my best friend. And I am missing her so much tonight that I was just sitting here staring at a picture of her, touching it and crying,trying as hard as I could to wish her back into existence. I have her collar hidden under my pillow case. I think I will be sleeping with it tonight. Somehow holding on to it, with its extremely faint scent of her on it.... it makes it seem more like I can wish her back here with me.
Today at work I had an actual conversation with a colleague. I have to be so careful though. I can't talk about my personal life at school. I'm so ashamed of the way I am, all this dissociating and different people inside, I just know I'll be rejected AGAIN, just like I have been in the past. I can't let anyone new find out how terrible I am, that I switch or anything. I'm so ashamed of being this way.
March 8, 2005
when i did go into the wall
#1 the funny thing. Goldfish crackers come in the mail today from judy! her sent me lots of them in a box! bbunches! shhe is so funny. and there is lots of them. 6 bags of goldfish. judy is so funny. i did need somthig for a smile
today it did be hard when i talkt to s.
i told her when i did go into the wall the 1st time. in kindergarden at the mean techers class at the sschool
when the techer did yell at me over evretyhing and her saed i was bad all the time evn if i didnt do anyething
adn the precher at schol he wud yell up on the stage abot going to hell and he was scary
and the techer she hit you with a ruler and did make you stand in the corner if you did aneything rong.
the pepol in the l unch room they did be rel men also
the techer her oways yell at me. her saied her had to keep a eye on me cos i was bad and wikid and i got in trobol if i rung the bell to loud or if i didnt make my 9s rite
1 time i yelld her sent me to the corner that was the last day efver
her told evrebody to lok atme
i wantid to disaper :(
haf to hold your hands behinde your back
so i did go into the wall and i disaper into the wall
thats waer i stayd for lotsa time
my T her askt me who did come out then but i dont no
its sad to rimember
March 11, 2005
not breathing well is a trigger
I have asthma, have since i was little.
not that i was ever taken to the doctor for it.
It got worse and worse over the years.
Currently I also have bronchitis.
I can't breathe very well and I cough a lot.
not being able to breathe is such a trigger
when i was a teenager... i was in bed sleeping one night in my bedroom
i started dreaming that i couldnt breathe.
I COULDNT BREATHE I COULDNT GET ANY AIR
I woke up and THERE WAS A HAND OVER MY MOUTH
there was a large figure standing over me in the dark, hand over my mouth saying "dont scream".
it turns out it was my boyfriend (the asshole)... he had snuck into the house in the middle of the night.
my heart still pounds so hard every time i remember. handovermymouth-handovermymouth-handovermymouth-and I.cant.breathe.
I can never get enough air.
March 13, 2005
I dont want to know.
I dont know quite what to say right now. This is Pilgrim.
I have had to try to get away from everyone inside.
I know this isn't something I should do. Its a bad idea. But I do it anyway.
I haven't given anyone time to write in our journal.
I have pushed hard to stay present and not let anyone take over.
Its been exhausting me.
The 5 year old wrote about things that happened in Kindergarten, and I tried to write a note to my therapist about what I remember about Kindergarten (which is virtually nothing). But it triggers flashbacks that I cannot handle and I just shut myself down. I can't talk about it, whatever it is thats wrong, I dont want to face it.
So I have just been trying to stay away from it all. From all of them. From all of the memories.
I just dont want to know. I dont want to think, or feel, and I dont want to know.
March 15, 2005
It didn't happen to me!!
Today I made myself, Pilgrim, to go therapy. I had to force myself, as the whole drive over there I kept slipping back to the back of my mind, trying to get away. But I know I need to go check in with my therapist once in a while. I want to know how things are going with the others, find out what the 5 year old is working in-- I rarely remember anything at all from her sessions. I also like to make sure she's getting paid on time and if she's getting my e-mails, and be sure the kids aren't causing any trouble when they come in. So I got updated on what has been going on the past couple months, especially with the 5 year old, and what they've been playing, and what she's been working on.
We go onto the subject of me dissociating... well, of course, its just what I DO, just what HAPPENS. I told her how I'm not around much anymore-- and I dont really want to be, anyway. I can't face the things that theyre talking about. I dont want to face the things they're talking about. I dont want to even know. I just dont. I've had ENOUGH.
What happened to the others DIDNT happen to me. It didnt.
My therapist says, "I think you know the truth Pilgim."
NO. NO. NO.
No I dont.
It didn't happen to me.
None of it.
The terrible, yucky things that happened to the 5 year old, the things that she tells my T--- they happened to HER! NOT ME!
Yah sometimes it might have been my body that was there, while I dissociated, went away, disappeared into the sky or into the wall. BUT THAT DOESNT MEAN IT WAS ME!!!
I was never abused.
I was never hurt by my dad, uncles, or anyone.
IT WASNT ME!!
It happened to THEM.
it wasn't me. i dont want to know. i dont want to think about it. i want to go away. IT WASNT ME.
March 18, 2005
denial and not doing my part
Yah, I know, I am doing a crappy job of being the hostess of this party .
From what I can gather, the "black boots" thing has to do with denial.
I know I need to do better with working with everyone.
I am not doing my job very well. I am not nearly as brave as the 5 year old.
I know I need to do a lot of thinking.
I think they must have been talking yesterday about me...about me not wanting to face stuff??
I want Caroline to be the one in charge. She does a much better job of running things. Let Caroline be the main person. I dont mind taking a back seat. When Caroline does stuff, it goes so much better.
Mostly I guess i want to live in my own little world, and not deal with anything-- its easier... I've been doing it all my life, why change? Yah, I hate all the chaos and confusion, all the forgetting and the gaps in memory. But I must be comfortable enough with the status quo because I'm not doing much on my own part to change that.
That annoys me.
I want to change and I know I need to change, I know the way I do things doesn't work very well.
So why aren't I doing more? I NEED to do more! Me, myself-- Pilgrim. I need to do more. And be consistent about it.
crud. I need to figure out what to do.
March 19, 2005
A message in my dream last night
Last night I had a very vivid nightmare that I think connects to what is going on, and I believe its a message to me that I need to pay attention to.
Lately I have been having quite a few nightmares about a particular house we lived in when I was 11-12 years old. [Its the house I started puberty in, and some things happened there that I don't want to face or talk about. It was there that the 5 year old first made her appearance, and where the 12 year old came out, and where the Bully was made also. A lot to deal with that I haven't yet.]
Last night I dreamed that my husband and I bought that house and moved back in. In a way it was comforting to be back there, because I do have a few good memories of spending time with my sister there.
But I dreamed that I was sleeping in my old room, and I was awakened by nightmares. In the house, all the doors were opened-- every place where there was a door or drawer of some type, it was opened.
Something had been there.
Some terrible person or force.
I ran outside to get away from it, and slept in my car instead. I locked the car doors and fell back to sleep. It was a Saturday and my husband was at work.
I dreamed that I woke up in my car a couple hours later, and discovered that all the car doors had been opened wide. It scared me so badly. I ran back into the house, and discovered that all the doors and drawers and closets had been opened AGAIN.
Someone or something had been there AGAIN while I was sleeping.
I looked into the opened closets and discovered that a bunch of our old stuff was still in there, although I hadn't known it. Old clothes, old things I had packed away and hidden years ago.
It was still there in the closets and drawers, even though I tried to put it away and hide it and forget about it.... yet there it was, and someone or something was trying to open it all back up and expose it.
Every time I went around the house closing the doors,
I'd go back into the room a moment later and they would all be opened again.
I yelled out loud "Get OUT of my house!! I dont want you here!"
But it still kept happening. And I knew it wasn't going to stop.
OK, OK, I get it. I have to stop denying everything or its going to come back and haunt me. I have to deal with this stuff. Its not going to go away.
March 21, 2005
Taking steps to do my part; on insiders being sick and different from each other
I have been doing some reading on working together better with insiders.... I know there are things I need to commit to and things I,myself, need to change.
I thought that by at least beginning to read how to do it--- thats a step, right? I mean, a few little steps forward is better than nothing at all, right?
I have the flu and my husband has been trying to help take care of me. Its probably difficult to take care of me when I'm sick, because how sick "I" feel depends on who is at the front. Caroline is never sick (of course, I haven't seen her around for a few days, either-- maybe that's how she avoids being sick!). I am mostly bored when I'm sick, I'd rather sit up and be on the computer. The 5 year old tends to flop around and moan and groan and cry out for "MOM!" when I'm sick, curls up with lots of blankets and coloring books. Someone else wants to just read. Missy is much stronger, and tries to get up and do things like laundry when I'm sick.
Right now we have all compromised by renting a couple videos; an action movie for the adults, and a children's cartoon for the kids.
One time when I was in high school... this odd way of feeling sick differently really made some trouble for me.
I had a very abusive boyfriend who was obsessed with being with me all the time.
One spring I came down with the flu. A bad case. I stayed home from school (I think it was my senior year) because I couldn't even get out of bed.
Well a little while later, Carolineine (who didnt have a name back then, but I felt the personality shift) was around and didn't feel sick at all, so I ended up sitting on the couch to watch tv. Then one of the kids wanted to color and they were only feeling a little sick, so we got out the coloring book and crayons, and sat at the coffee table and colored. I dont even know if they were aware I was sick-- they were busy writing their ABC's and numbers and coloring.
Just then there was a knock on the living room window. "YAH I SEE YOU'RE REALLY SICK!!" It was my boyfriend, and his face was bright red, started pounding on the window. Not understanding what was going on, i can remember whoever was out front having NO idea what was happening or why. But then there I was again, faced with my boyfriend pounding on the front door until he got it opened, yelling at me, convinced I was faking being sick because obviously if i was sitting up in the living room at the coffee table I must be fine (?????) and he was screaming at me "What have you been doing all day? Who were you really with?"
He was so psychotic that afternoon. I couldn't convince him otherwise. By this time I was back in my body and I of course, being sick all along, was feeling really bad and wanting to get back in bed. But it wasn't making any sense to him. And truthfully it wasn't making much sense to me either.
All I knew was that when I disappeared inside my head, my body went through all these strange changes. I could go from tall to short, fat to skinny, sick to well, smart to stupid, sometimes in the mirrow the reflection had brown hair or blonde hair or straight hair or curly hair or brown eyes or blue eyes, depending on who was looking in the mirror.
March 23, 2005
Working together: problems in our group
One of the things we've read is that in order to set up some group goals, you need to figure out what the current problems are in your group so you can get clear about what you need to solve.
Here are the main ones for our group:
1. Certain people are overbearing and controlling. They may mean well but actions come across as too harsh and don't work well for THIS group at the present time.
2. Young alters are left unattended at times. They believe they can take care of themselves because thats what they had to do in the past, but, now its time there was an older part around to look after them.
3. Certain people are still self-injuring.
4. Still restricting (but no more purging!! yay!!!)
5. Certain people are still in deep depression/ still talk of dying
6. We don't all work together as a group most of the time.
7. Certain people do anything and everything to avoid feelings and memories.
This is a starting point.
Group goal are, believe it or not, harder to come up with. Each meeting to come up with group goals seems to end up in arguments and people stomping off saying "Forget this!" or "Count me out." Each person wants their own goals met such as "I want more time out on my own" and "I want you guys to leave me alone." The challenge is to look for the common desires and needs among all of those goals, and figure out a way to compromise.
:( Aghh... everyone is just so different. Everyone believes in different things. Sees things from such varying perspectives. Really, how ARE we all in the same body? (And how did it get this way, anyway?)
Here are a few things that we can basically agree on. (Ugh, and as I type that, Missy says, "Want to bet?") OK, so you can't make all the people happy all the time.
1. We want to have more fun. (this may mean more playtime, more time to read, more time at the park, more time doing crafts, more time playing in the creek, more time studying--depends on who's talking)
2. Take turns talking to our therapist
3. More even distribution of feelings and memories
4. Share time better
5. More calmness-- less arguing
These are things that we can all agree on.
So, there's a start.
Not sure where to go next, but at least this is something.
March 25, 2005
Everyone is trying to give a little in order to work together better. (In some cases, very little). It's all about compromise these days. It has all been little things so far: deciding to subscribe to a new magazine for Missy, so she has something extra brainy to read. Letting Caroline make a new purse out of flowery material, even though most of us despise anything girly. Agreeing to eat a hamburger when the boys want one, even though some are vegetarians. Things like that. Just trying to work together a little better.
March 29, 2005
I'm forcing myself to write, to think, right now. What I want, and need, desperately,is to go away inside my head. It feels like, I'm stuck in molasses, I can barely move.
I have to write my way out of this somehow.
it has to do with tulips.
we used to grow them, when i was in kindergarten, out in the front yard. every morning as I walked out to the school bus in the spring, i stopped to smell the tulips, look at the dew gathered on them. They were so beautiful. Sometimes I took some to my teachers as the years went by.
My therapist has tulips in her office today. They are really beautiful but they have brought up so much, more feelings than I can handle, more sadness than I can deal with.
By the time I was in 1st grade, i was mixed up a lot. I was losing track of time, and I remember trying to keep track of time by watching the tulips. I learned about how long it took them to grow, how long til the flowers bloomed, how long they stayed open. I used those to measure the passing of days. I knew I'd lost track of time when the tulips would just be opening and then all of a sudden they were all gone. I knew when to expect the tulips in the spring. I desperately relied on their predictability.
When I was 8 years old, I cut for the 1st time. Outside, by the tulips. I remember standing there, looking down at the tulips, in the front yard, and looking at the blood on my finger, thinking "THIS is how I can measure the days; THIS is the way to do it. THIS is how I'll remember right now, and not forget it (I was always forgetting things, always being told I did something that I didn't do, never remembering what I was supposed to-- I faked it a lot). I told myself "this is how I can always remember that its this Wednesday in 19___ and I'm standing here looking at the tulips and watching the blood and I know I'm real right now and I wont forget this." And I was so careful to not let the blood get on the tulips.
Why was I so screwed up when I was not even 8 years old? What was WRONG with me? What in the world was going on in my head that in 1st and 2nd grade I was trying to keep track of time with tulips and marking time by cutting? What was wrong with a clock? Why couldn't I just be a normal kid?