March 1, 2005

A day off schedule

I'm not switching today, believe it or not. I've managed to get through the day pretty much on my own. But my whole day is off schedule. I'm supposed to go to therapy on Tuesdays; this week I have to wait until Thursday. Its hard to accept changes at all. Its hard to feel so unstable. I really need to be able to count on things to be consistent. I know its good for me to have to face changes once in a while... that just happens in life... I need to get along even when there are changes in schedule, even when there has to be something different for snack, even when things dont go the way I wish. But I've got so much anxiety inside.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:19 PM | Comments (0)

March 2, 2005

Wishes

I am so overwhelmed and busy and lonely.
I have been getting rid of things that were gifts from my ex-best friend. I can't stand the pain of looking at them anymore... I can't stand how it makes my heart and stomach twist around to see reminders of happier days when I wasn't quite as lonely and depressed. My heart aches with loneliness. I just want a friend here with me. I want a shoulder to cry on. I want someone to even just sit here on the couch with me and talk. Heck, they can talk-- I'll listen. I dont care.
I miss my dog who died 4 years ago. I keep thinking if she was here, things would be so much better. I KNOW they would be. If I had her. If I had my beautiful, angelic golden retriever back, so many things would be better. She was my best friend. And I am missing her so much tonight that I was just sitting here staring at a picture of her, touching it and crying,trying as hard as I could to wish her back into existence. I have her collar hidden under my pillow case. I think I will be sleeping with it tonight. Somehow holding on to it, with its extremely faint scent of her on it.... it makes it seem more like I can wish her back here with me.
Today at work I had an actual conversation with a colleague. I have to be so careful though. I can't talk about my personal life at school. I'm so ashamed of the way I am, all this dissociating and different people inside, I just know I'll be rejected AGAIN, just like I have been in the past. I can't let anyone new find out how terrible I am, that I switch or anything. I'm so ashamed of being this way.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:43 PM | Comments (2)

March 3, 2005

Something BIG in therapy today

Huge.
But we need to let the 5 year old tell it.
But she did something big and brave and terribly, terribly hard today.
Her heart and stomach hurt terribly. Our T sat with her and rubbed her back.
We'll see if we can get her to talk about it. It's been a very long, stressful and hectic day on several fronts... i think we need to sleep. a lot.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:04 PM | Comments (1)

March 5, 2005

Really good day today

We had a really good day today!
It was also a fun day.
We volunteered to help do some digging and planting. So we spent the day moving rocks, digging, using tools,moving heavy stuff, and getting very muddy.
As our 8 year old boy insider wrote in our journal today, "I GOT TO BE A REAL BOY TODAY!!" He was so happy. He got to play in mud, he got to use a pick ax, he got to see frogs and catch fish. I'm not talking a little muddy. I'm talking MUDDY! Mud,rocks, frogs, tadpoles, dirt, shovels-- thats his thing.
For a little bit we felt the 5 year old nearby, watching. I knew she was there because all of a sudden I was having trouble reading and understanding directions putting something together. Often times I'll be fine and then one of the kids comes around and I suddenly can't remember how to read/ tie my shoes/ turn on the stove/ etc.... today I was looking at the directions to put together something and didn't know what they said. So the little 5 year old was there hanging around watching a bit too.
It felt really good to get out and work hard for hours and hours today. It felt good to volunteer and work with a few other people, even talking a little bit and socializing some. We hardly ever do that. It felt good to use all my muscles (even though they are really sore now!!) and work up a sweat and help other people by volunteering to make something of theirs more beautiful.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:24 PM | Comments (1)

March 6, 2005

I am not sure what to say right now, but...

i thought i would say hi.
its been a long time since i wrote anything.
i've been hanging back a lot. I'm just quiet, and sad a lot. I dont feel like doing much. I would like to have a turn soon to talk to our therapist, but I know that the little 5 year old is really working hard right now, I dont want to interrupt her sessions.
I'm really lonely, confused... not much help to anyone.
nobody

Posted by pilgrim at 4:21 PM | Comments (1)

March 7, 2005

I'm a freak

i'm fat and stupid.
i'm an idiot.
i should never trust anyone.
i should never try to make friends with anyone.
i'm going to be alone all my life
i cant keep any friends because i am a FREAK.
everybody leaves me
i'm fat and disgusting ugly and stupid
i want to cut my arms up until they're shredded. its the only thing that helps make the pain go away.
i dont care.
i dont care.
i am a freak.

nb

Posted by pilgrim at 6:48 PM | Comments (7)

March 8, 2005

when i did go into the wall

#1 the funny thing. Goldfish crackers come in the mail today from judy! her sent me lots of them in a box! bbunches! shhe is so funny. and there is lots of them. 6 bags of goldfish. judy is so funny. i did need somthig for a smile

today it did be hard when i talkt to s.
i told her when i did go into the wall the 1st time. in kindergarden at the mean techers class at the sschool
when the techer did yell at me over evretyhing and her saed i was bad all the time evn if i didnt do anyething
adn the precher at schol he wud yell up on the stage abot going to hell and he was scary
and the techer she hit you with a ruler and did make you stand in the corner if you did aneything rong.
the pepol in the l unch room they did be rel men also
the techer her oways yell at me. her saied her had to keep a eye on me cos i was bad and wikid and i got in trobol if i rung the bell to loud or if i didnt make my 9s rite
1 time i yelld her sent me to the corner that was the last day efver
:(

her told evrebody to lok atme
i wantid to disaper :(
haf to hold your hands behinde your back
:(
so i did go into the wall and i disaper into the wall
thats waer i stayd for lotsa time

my T her askt me who did come out then but i dont no

its sad to rimember
:(

Posted by pilgrim at 5:59 PM | Comments (1)

March 10, 2005

dissociating a lot

i'm really spacing out
there's a lot of switching going on lately. moreso than usual.
there is some really tough stuff being talked about therapy. I dont remember what the 5 year old talks about, but i do know its really hard on all of us and is tiring. I'm exhausted.
spacing out again. i cannot keep grounded.
or maybe i dont even want to.
i feel myself fading away again.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:44 PM | Comments (0)

March 11, 2005

not breathing well is a trigger

I have asthma, have since i was little.
not that i was ever taken to the doctor for it.
It got worse and worse over the years.
Currently I also have bronchitis.
I can't breathe very well and I cough a lot.

not being able to breathe is such a trigger

when i was a teenager... i was in bed sleeping one night in my bedroom
i started dreaming that i couldnt breathe.
I COULDNT BREATHE I COULDNT GET ANY AIR

I woke up and THERE WAS A HAND OVER MY MOUTH

there was a large figure standing over me in the dark, hand over my mouth saying "dont scream".
it turns out it was my boyfriend (the asshole)... he had snuck into the house in the middle of the night.
my heart still pounds so hard every time i remember. handovermymouth-handovermymouth-handovermymouth-and I.cant.breathe.
I can never get enough air.

Posted by pilgrim at 4:19 PM | Comments (0)

March 13, 2005

I dont want to know.

I dont know quite what to say right now. This is Pilgrim.
I have had to try to get away from everyone inside.
I know this isn't something I should do. Its a bad idea. But I do it anyway.
I haven't given anyone time to write in our journal.
I have pushed hard to stay present and not let anyone take over.
Its been exhausting me.
The 5 year old wrote about things that happened in Kindergarten, and I tried to write a note to my therapist about what I remember about Kindergarten (which is virtually nothing). But it triggers flashbacks that I cannot handle and I just shut myself down. I can't talk about it, whatever it is thats wrong, I dont want to face it.
So I have just been trying to stay away from it all. From all of them. From all of the memories.
I just dont want to know. I dont want to think, or feel, and I dont want to know.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:32 PM | Comments (2)

March 15, 2005

It didn't happen to me!!

Today I made myself, Pilgrim, to go therapy. I had to force myself, as the whole drive over there I kept slipping back to the back of my mind, trying to get away. But I know I need to go check in with my therapist once in a while. I want to know how things are going with the others, find out what the 5 year old is working in-- I rarely remember anything at all from her sessions. I also like to make sure she's getting paid on time and if she's getting my e-mails, and be sure the kids aren't causing any trouble when they come in. So I got updated on what has been going on the past couple months, especially with the 5 year old, and what they've been playing, and what she's been working on.

We go onto the subject of me dissociating... well, of course, its just what I DO, just what HAPPENS. I told her how I'm not around much anymore-- and I dont really want to be, anyway. I can't face the things that theyre talking about. I dont want to face the things they're talking about. I dont want to even know. I just dont. I've had ENOUGH.

What happened to the others DIDNT happen to me. It didnt.
My therapist says, "I think you know the truth Pilgim."
NO. NO. NO.
No I dont.
It didn't happen to me.
None of it.
The terrible, yucky things that happened to the 5 year old, the things that she tells my T--- they happened to HER! NOT ME!
Yah sometimes it might have been my body that was there, while I dissociated, went away, disappeared into the sky or into the wall. BUT THAT DOESNT MEAN IT WAS ME!!!
I was never abused.
I was never hurt by my dad, uncles, or anyone.
IT WASNT ME!!
It happened to THEM.
it wasn't me. i dont want to know. i dont want to think about it. i want to go away. IT WASNT ME.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:59 PM | Comments (0)

March 17, 2005

negativity

i hate being this way
i hate everything
i hate losing touch with everything
i hate the embarassment and shame and stupidity of it all
i want to escape
i hate EVERYONE inside. i want them to GO AWAY. just GET OUT OF MY LIFE.
leave me ALONE.
i want you guys to go find someone else to haunt
i 'm tired of dissociating
i'm tired of nightmares
i'm tired of not sleeping
i'm tired of all the noise in my head
I'm REALLY sick and tired of your flashbacks and bad memories
GET OUT

Posted by pilgrim at 6:59 PM | Comments (0)

what the 5 year old wrote to us

today i did go play with my T
and we got out the littol pepol

her hdid act out what her nos gos on
and how you do be sayin I HATE YOU I DONT WANTA NO YOU
that maeks her fristratidd
it dont be help ful

i do gota work hard to not say im bad becos that maeks you gise more mad and you dont want to be arond me if i be actin up so i do gota maek sher i be caerfuler
i do gona werk hard
her say i do be doin my part

her say it dont be help ful if you got black boots on and keep sayin you dont got black boots on and if you do prertend you dont see the black boots
you be [prertending i dont be here but i do

my T is gone on vaketshin next week sad
her say i can do a proeject
i can rite her notes adn emails

her no you do hide b ehind me somtimes and her say i can tell you dont do that and even tuck can help me say it. that is scarey. her say somtimes her needs to talk to the grone ups but you hide beind me . to get away. but i can tell you dont do that if you do. her say i can have a difrint time to talk.
i dont like it wehn we fite. dont fite anemore ok?
we do have to be niice an get a long and be a famle. her say we dont have to be like dady's famle. we just can maek up new ruls and maek up are new famle inside
and her can help us but you gis gotta start helpen out and dont be disapren all the time

Posted by pilgrim at 7:01 PM | Comments (0)

March 18, 2005

denial and not doing my part

ugh.
Yah, I know, I am doing a crappy job of being the hostess of this party .

From what I can gather, the "black boots" thing has to do with denial.

I know I need to do better with working with everyone.

I am not doing my job very well. I am not nearly as brave as the 5 year old.

I know I need to do a lot of thinking.

I think they must have been talking yesterday about me...about me not wanting to face stuff??

I want Carol to be the one in charge. She does a much better job of running things. Let Carol be the main person. I dont mind taking a back seat. When Carol does stuff, it goes so much better.

Mostly I guess i want to live in my own little world, and not deal with anything-- its easier... I've been doing it all my life, why change? Yah, I hate all the chaos and confusion, all the forgetting and the gaps in memory. But I must be comfortable enough with the status quo because I'm not doing much on my own part to change that.
That annoys me.
I want to change and I know I need to change, I know the way I do things doesn't work very well.
So why aren't I doing more? I NEED to do more! Me, myself-- Pilgrim. I need to do more. And be consistent about it.
crud. I need to figure out what to do.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:24 PM | Comments (2)

wasting time and energy

I am wasting time and energy right now.
I know what I need to be doing-- i need to be thinking, working on therapy stuff, on what I need to do to help things work better. I need to be journalling the things I'm thinking about (the past, everyone inside, why I dont want to work with them, denial, etc).
Instead I sit here and waste time staring into space or looking up useless information on the internet.
My excuse right now is that its late night Friday. I'm tired, I'm sick (why not take my medicine and get to bed, the smart thing to do?)

I try to stay detached from my feelings all of the time. Feelings are too uncomfortable for me. I always stay at least one layer away from them. All i have to do is dissociate a little and let someone else handle everything for me when its their turn. I dont have to feel anything.

Posted by pilgrim at 10:56 PM | Comments (0)

March 19, 2005

A message in my dream last night

Last night I had a very vivid nightmare that I think connects to what is going on, and I believe its a message to me that I need to pay attention to.
Lately I have been having quite a few nightmares about a particular house we lived in when I was 11-12 years old. [Its the house I started puberty in, and some things happened there that I don't want to face or talk about. It was there that the 5 year old first made her appearance, and where the 12 year old came out, and where the Bully was made also. A lot to deal with that I haven't yet.]
Last night I dreamed that my husband and I bought that house and moved back in. In a way it was comforting to be back there, because I do have a few good memories of spending time with my sister there.
But I dreamed that I was sleeping in my old room, and I was awakened by nightmares. In the house, all the doors were opened-- every place where there was a door or drawer of some type, it was opened.
Something had been there.
Some terrible person or force.
I ran outside to get away from it, and slept in my car instead. I locked the car doors and fell back to sleep. It was a Saturday and my husband was at work.
I dreamed that I woke up in my car a couple hours later, and discovered that all the car doors had been opened wide. It scared me so badly. I ran back into the house, and discovered that all the doors and drawers and closets had been opened AGAIN.
Someone or something had been there AGAIN while I was sleeping.
I looked into the opened closets and discovered that a bunch of our old stuff was still in there, although I hadn't known it. Old clothes, old things I had packed away and hidden years ago.
It was still there in the closets and drawers, even though I tried to put it away and hide it and forget about it.... yet there it was, and someone or something was trying to open it all back up and expose it.
Every time I went around the house closing the doors,
I'd go back into the room a moment later and they would all be opened again.
I yelled out loud "Get OUT of my house!! I dont want you here!"
But it still kept happening. And I knew it wasn't going to stop.

OK, OK, I get it. I have to stop denying everything or its going to come back and haunt me. I have to deal with this stuff. Its not going to go away.

Posted by pilgrim at 8:30 AM | Comments (2)

March 21, 2005

Taking steps to do my part; on insiders being sick and different from each other

I have been doing some reading on working together better with insiders.... I know there are things I need to commit to and things I,myself, need to change.
I thought that by at least beginning to read how to do it--- thats a step, right? I mean, a few little steps forward is better than nothing at all, right?

I have the flu and my husband has been trying to help take care of me. Its probably difficult to take care of me when I'm sick, because how sick "I" feel depends on who is at the front. Carol is never sick (of course, I haven't seen her around for a few days, either-- maybe that's how she avoids being sick!). I am mostly bored when I'm sick, I'd rather sit up and be on the computer. The 5 year old tends to flop around and moan and groan and cry out for "MOM!" when I'm sick, curls up with lots of blankets and coloring books. Someone else wants to just read. Missy is much stronger, and tries to get up and do things like laundry when I'm sick.
Right now we have all compromised by renting a couple videos; an action movie for the adults, and a children's cartoon for the kids.

One time when I was in high school... this odd way of feeling sick differently really made some trouble for me.
I had a very abusive boyfriend who was obsessed with being with me all the time.
One spring I came down with the flu. A bad case. I stayed home from school (I think it was my senior year) because I couldn't even get out of bed.
Well a little while later, Caroline (who didnt have a name back then, but I felt the personality shift) was around and didn't feel sick at all, so I ended up sitting on the couch to watch tv. Then one of the kids wanted to color and they were only feeling a little sick, so we got out the coloring book and crayons, and sat at the coffee table and colored. I dont even know if they were aware I was sick-- they were busy writing their ABC's and numbers and coloring.
Just then there was a knock on the living room window. "YAH I SEE YOU'RE REALLY SICK!!" It was my boyfriend, and his face was bright red, started pounding on the window. Not understanding what was going on, i can remember whoever was out front having NO idea what was happening or why. But then there I was again, faced with my boyfriend pounding on the front door until he got it opened, yelling at me, convinced I was faking being sick because obviously if i was sitting up in the living room at the coffee table I must be fine (?????) and he was screaming at me "What have you been doing all day? Who were you really with?"
He was so psychotic that afternoon. I couldn't convince him otherwise. By this time I was back in my body and I of course, being sick all along, was feeling really bad and wanting to get back in bed. But it wasn't making any sense to him. And truthfully it wasn't making much sense to me either.
All I knew was that when I disappeared inside my head, my body went through all these strange changes. I could go from tall to short, fat to skinny, sick to well, smart to stupid, sometimes in the mirrow the reflection had brown hair or blonde hair or straight hair or curly hair or brown eyes or blue eyes, depending on who was looking in the mirror.

Posted by pilgrim at 12:31 PM | Comments (0)

March 22, 2005

An idea that might just work!

We might have come up with something that could work!
Maybe this will help everyone work together--
changing our concept just a little bit.
Its been hard to get everone to work together. REALLY hard. My therapist has been working around the concept of us working together as a "family", all living together in the same house, all trying to get along. Which is what works for a LOT of people.
However. It has not been going so well.
There's been resistance here and there to the concept of "FAMILY."
Doing an internal poll, everyone has a negative reaction of some sort to the idea of "Family"-- even Carol, who is the most mothering and nurturing of us all. She is, after all, modeled after the mother on Little House on the Prairie who we all wanted to be our "Ma".
Even though growing up there really were a lot of happy, fun moments, at this point we all still think Family=sad. Family=yuck/no thanks.
However. What if we changed our thinking just a little bit?
What is a place that we ALL love, and ALL have a positive image of, and all love to be?
School!
Now SCHOOL is something we can understand. Being a teacher, being a student, being in faculty meetings, working together for the better of the school-- THOSE are things that all of us inside can relate to and understand.
What if we started thinking of those dreaded internal family meetings as "Faculty Meetings?" Now THERE'S some potential positives.Family meetings sound foreboding, terrifying. Faculty meetings actually can be fun at times, and faculty meetings are associated with people working together for the common good and learning to help the kids better (at least at my school!)
What if instead of thinking of internal parental figures, we thought of "Administration"? This is much less terrifying for everyone, and something that even the kids can understand. Moms and dads might do terrible things and hurt you and leave you-- but administrators-- your principal, counselors, secretaries--- they are nice.
Anyway... we're going to try this, and see what happens... after writing about this in our [realtime] journal tonight, EVERYONE (including myself) has been receptive to the idea.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:53 PM | Comments (0)

March 23, 2005

Working together: problems in our group

One of the things we've read is that in order to set up some group goals, you need to figure out what the current problems are in your group so you can get clear about what you need to solve.
Here are the main ones for our group:
1. Certain people are overbearing and controlling. They may mean well but actions come across as too harsh and don't work well for THIS group at the present time.
2. Young alters are left unattended at times. They believe they can take care of theMissylves because thats what they had to do in the past, but, now its time there was an older part around to look after them.
3. Certain people are still self-injuring.
4. Still restricting (but no more purging!! yay!!!)
5. Certain people are still in deep depression/ still talk of dying
6. We don't all work together as a group most of the time.
7. Certain people do anything and everything to avoid feelings and memories.

This is a starting point.

Posted by pilgrim at 4:55 PM | Comments (0)

Group Goals

Group goal are, believe it or not, harder to come up with. Each meeting to come up with group goals seems to end up in arguments and people stomping off saying "Forget this!" or "Count me out." Each person wants their own goals met such as "I want more time out on my own" and "I want you guys to leave me alone." The challenge is to look for the common desires and needs among all of those goals, and figure out a way to compromise.

:( Aghh... everyone is just so different. Everyone believes in different things. Sees things from such varying perspectives. Really, how ARE we all in the same body? (And how did it get this way, anyway?)

Here are a few things that we can basically agree on. (Ugh, and as I type that, Missy says, "Want to bet?") OK, so you can't make all the people happy all the time.
Moving on.

1. We want to have more fun. (this may mean more playtime, more time to read, more time at the park, more time doing crafts, more time playing in the creek, more time studying--depends on who's talking)
2. Take turns talking to our therapist
3. More even distribution of feelings and memories
4. Share time better
5. More calmness-- less arguing

These are things that we can all agree on.
So, there's a start.
Not sure where to go next, but at least this is something.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:00 PM | Comments (1)

March 25, 2005

Compromise

Everyone is trying to give a little in order to work together better. (In some cases, very little). It's all about compromise these days. It has all been little things so far: deciding to subscribe to a new magazine for Missy, so she has something extra brainy to read. Letting Carol make a new purse out of flowery material, even though most of us despise anything girly. Agreeing to eat a hamburger when the boys want one, even though some are vegetarians. Things like that. Just trying to work together a little better.

Posted by pilgrim at 1:17 PM | Comments (4)

March 26, 2005

Really Searching

I've had a lot of time to myself for the past week, alone. Moreso than usual because I've been off of work. My therapist has been on vacation. So there has been a lot of time to just think.
I have been searching through old forums that I used to write in trying hard to find answers to things I can't remember. I have found a lot of information this way. A lot of things that I dont remember writing, things that I didn't realize I revealed. Just tonight I have spent several hours collecting old writing of mine, trying to piece together a timeline of when things really seemed to fall apart for me, when the others started talking and taking over on their own. I have found a few events that I think triggered some breakdowns and caused me to dissociate more and more.
I'm going to post some of my old writing and share some of it as the next few days go by.

Posted by pilgrim at 11:27 PM | Comments (0)

March 29, 2005

Tulips

I'm forcing myself to write, to think, right now. What I want, and need, desperately,is to go away inside my head. It feels like, I'm stuck in molasses, I can barely move.
I have to write my way out of this somehow.
it has to do with tulips.

we used to grow them, when i was in kindergarten, out in the front yard. every morning as I walked out to the school bus in the spring, i stopped to smell the tulips, look at the dew gathered on them. They were so beautiful. Sometimes I took some to my teachers as the years went by.

My therapist has tulips in her office today. They are really beautiful but they have brought up so much, more feelings than I can handle, more sadness than I can deal with.

By the time I was in 1st grade, i was mixed up a lot. I was losing track of time, and I remember trying to keep track of time by watching the tulips. I learned about how long it took them to grow, how long til the flowers bloomed, how long they stayed open. I used those to measure the passing of days. I knew I'd lost track of time when the tulips would just be opening and then all of a sudden they were all gone. I knew when to expect the tulips in the spring. I desperately relied on their predictability.
When I was 8 years old, I cut for the 1st time. Outside, by the tulips. I remember standing there, looking down at the tulips, in the front yard, and looking at the blood on my finger, thinking "THIS is how I can measure the days; THIS is the way to do it. THIS is how I'll remember right now, and not forget it (I was always forgetting things, always being told I did something that I didn't do, never remembering what I was supposed to-- I faked it a lot). I told myself "this is how I can always remember that its this Wednesday in 19___ and I'm standing here looking at the tulips and watching the blood and I know I'm real right now and I wont forget this." And I was so careful to not let the blood get on the tulips.
Why was I so screwed up when I was not even 8 years old? What was WRONG with me? What in the world was going on in my head that in 1st and 2nd grade I was trying to keep track of time with tulips and marking time by cutting? What was wrong with a clock? Why couldn't I just be a normal kid?

Posted by pilgrim at 5:41 PM | Comments (1)

March 30, 2005

lost

lost among painful memories right now

Posted by pilgrim at 7:28 PM | Comments (0)

March 31, 2005

The Big Picture

On nights like tonight I pray that God would just let me die.
I need the pain and the sadness to stop.
Just. Stop.
I can't take it anymore. I want to give up.

We had important things to talk about in therapy tonight. My therapist had started talking to me about something that she wanted to finish-- which is fine. I hate loose ends, myself. So she wanted me to come back today that we started talking about on Tuesday. Tuesday stirred up all kinds of sad stuff, but I didn't get to talk about it. She wanted to talk "THE BIG PICTURE". Which is fine. Sometimes we need to do that. Mostly my therapist talked, as she put pieces of a puzzle together in ways that she thinks made sense, "maybe this is a piece of why you are the way you are, why you do what you do." She talked. I mainly listened.
My own words (pleasehelpmeiwanttodierightnowpleasehelpme)stayed stuck in my throat.
Then it was time to go.
So i left without saying what I should have. I walked out of another building without saying a word of what I needed to. And now I have to wait another week. And I feel like waiting is going to kill me.

I didn't tell her about Nobody's suicide note. I didn't tell her that I keep hearing "please, let me die" in my head. She had to leave. I stood outside her office forcing the tears not to come out too hard, praying to die so that I dont have to go through this alone anymore. I am so alone. When I go home from therapy, I go to a dark house. I dont have friends I can call for support. I can't just pick up the phone and get ahold of someone to chat with or ask a girl friend to meet me at the mall. There ISNT anyone.

i'm overwhelmed with painful memories and an aching heart this week. I feel like I just can't take any more. I just can't. I want it to all go away so bad. I want to check myself into the trauma unit of a local hospital and tell them "I'm not safe"... but then, how would I go to work tomorrow and earn my paycheck? Who would take care of things at home? Who would put on a happy face for my family?

I want to go away. I dont want to eat... I dont care if I eat anymore.. I wish I was skinny again instead of fat. I wish I could fade away into nothingness. I wish I had the time I need in therapy to talk about what I need to. I wish I had someone to talk to. I want a friend so bad. I want someone to ....

and people in hell want ice water. Like all this wanting and wishing is going to get me anywhere. :( Stupid Pilgrim.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:08 PM | Comments (10)

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