Taking steps to do my part; on insiders being sick and different from each other
I have been doing some reading on working together better with insiders.... I know there are things I need to commit to and things I,myself, need to change.
I thought that by at least beginning to read how to do it--- thats a step, right? I mean, a few little steps forward is better than nothing at all, right?
I have the flu and my husband has been trying to help take care of me. Its probably difficult to take care of me when I'm sick, because how sick "I" feel depends on who is at the front. Caroline is never sick (of course, I haven't seen her around for a few days, either-- maybe that's how she avoids being sick!). I am mostly bored when I'm sick, I'd rather sit up and be on the computer. The 5 year old tends to flop around and moan and groan and cry out for "MOM!" when I'm sick, curls up with lots of blankets and coloring books. Someone else wants to just read. Missy is much stronger, and tries to get up and do things like laundry when I'm sick.
Right now we have all compromised by renting a couple videos; an action movie for the adults, and a children's cartoon for the kids.
One time when I was in high school... this odd way of feeling sick differently really made some trouble for me.
I had a very abusive boyfriend who was obsessed with being with me all the time.
One spring I came down with the flu. A bad case. I stayed home from school (I think it was my senior year) because I couldn't even get out of bed.
Well a little while later, Carolineine (who didnt have a name back then, but I felt the personality shift) was around and didn't feel sick at all, so I ended up sitting on the couch to watch tv. Then one of the kids wanted to color and they were only feeling a little sick, so we got out the coloring book and crayons, and sat at the coffee table and colored. I dont even know if they were aware I was sick-- they were busy writing their ABC's and numbers and coloring.
Just then there was a knock on the living room window. "YAH I SEE YOU'RE REALLY SICK!!" It was my boyfriend, and his face was bright red, started pounding on the window. Not understanding what was going on, i can remember whoever was out front having NO idea what was happening or why. But then there I was again, faced with my boyfriend pounding on the front door until he got it opened, yelling at me, convinced I was faking being sick because obviously if i was sitting up in the living room at the coffee table I must be fine (?????) and he was screaming at me "What have you been doing all day? Who were you really with?"
He was so psychotic that afternoon. I couldn't convince him otherwise. By this time I was back in my body and I of course, being sick all along, was feeling really bad and wanting to get back in bed. But it wasn't making any sense to him. And truthfully it wasn't making much sense to me either.
All I knew was that when I disappeared inside my head, my body went through all these strange changes. I could go from tall to short, fat to skinny, sick to well, smart to stupid, sometimes in the mirrow the reflection had brown hair or blonde hair or straight hair or curly hair or brown eyes or blue eyes, depending on who was looking in the mirror.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under: