Cheery Snowclowns, Fireworks, and Loneliness
This entry probably won't make much sense. I have a big headache today... being really switchy today for several reasons... and there is a lot going on. I can barely gather my thoughts, so everything's going to sound random.
Fourth of July-- the inside kids loved the fireworks show. Every year, that's a big hit. Especially the cherry snowcone. Only when Mae wrote about it,[she's five, remember!] she wrote it down on paper as "cheery snowclown", which gives the icy treat a completely new meaning!
Kids are really wanting someone their own age on the outside to play with. It isnt the same for Mae and Tuck to just have each other to play with, and they are rarely "out" together so that they can play together. Its usually just one or the other. Mae is so lonely, and wants someone her own age to be around. Which, of course, is not just a dilemma but an impossibility: where do we find a 5 year old who's also living in a grown up's body? This is just one thing that we cannot seem to fix.
At home, she can do things like play in the sprinkler and watch how the sun makes rainbows in the droplets of water. She can do things like paint with watercolors and curl up with her stuffed animals. But its very difficult to find anyone who's willing to listen to an "adult"[body,anyway] talk about all her discoveries... I am sure people think I am really retarded or weird.
I get so depressed and feel so freakish because I'm VERY aware that I'm not your average adult. Instead of going out with friends, going to clubs, having Tupperware parties... "I" am playing with dolls and practicing writing the alphabet and doing things that a 5 year old does. Or the inside 8 year old might be outside examining bugs and writing stories about life on other planets. I am not exactly your average 30-something.
The inside kids are so lonely... the inside adults are so lonely... I am often so loney just because I feel like I'm so DIFFERENT. You'd think that with all these inside people, we wouldn't even GET lonely. Maybe lonely isn't the right word. Its ALWAYS been "just us." Its always been us on our own, with only each others' company. Entertaining ourselves. We have so much to say and so much to tell, even the kids. But most of the time, no one asks, and thats hard. The kids especially-- they have so much they want to share, but no one knows they're there. That's what seems to really be bothering them today. That they have so much to talk about, but they're invisible, because they're stuck inside.
i know they're there....doesn't that count?
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
