September 1, 2005

Since gas prices have gone up about 50 cents in the past 24 hours, I am hanging on to every drop of gas that's already in my car, and I'm already down to half a tank. I'm not going to be able to go to my support group tonight for eating disorders. And I dont know if I'll be able to even make it to my support group for DID on Saturday either. I've had to miss groups for a few weeks because work has been so busy that I haven't had time to go. Now that I am going to finally have time, I might not get to go after all. My groups are a minimum of 30 miles drive each way. My therapist is a 45 mile drive away and even farther if I am trying to get there from work. Its so disheartening. Sometimes it feels like no matter how hard I fight to get better, obstacles keep getting in my way. Its just one thing after another.
Think I'm going to need to hit Ebay and sell a few more of my things, that way, if I can make about $100 on there, that will pay for gas for a few more weeks of traveling to work and therapy and groups.

Anyone else miss the days from a few years ago when gas prices dipped to 89 cents a gallon? *sigh*

Posted by pilgrim at 3:27 PM | Comments (2)

AND, OH MY GOSH, Caroline has us signed up for ANOTHER committee!! This time it’s the campus improvement committee, like this nature thing, where we’re going to be planting trees and flowers and putting in new equipment and doing our nature center and stuff. As soon as we heard about this new committee at school, Tuck and Mae were all jumpy and excited because the advisor said it will involve digging and lots of dirt and rocks and plants. So now we’re on THAT committee because the kids think its going to be fun. We did tell the advisor though that sometimes we won’t be able to make the meetings but will help out when we can and she said that’s totally ok.
Now we are on 3 or 4 committees at least. AGH!
But the thing is, I can understand. One, we’ve got yearbook. I always wanted to work on yearbook just because its artsy and never got to in high school . Missy likes to be yearbook advisor because she’s 1) BOSSY and 2) wanted to be an editor and live in New York and be a college English professor and I guess being the yearbook advisor somehow appeases her somehow, because she loves doing yearbook. Then we’ve got the Webpage committee, which I like because it involves NOT working with people, just with a computer, and Jo likes for the same reason, but it also involves lots of measuring and math and web pages and computer which appeases me, Jo, and Tuck. Then you’ve got the teacher committee stuff, which Caroline THRIVES on. Then now we’ve got the Campus committee, which will have dirt and trees and outside stuff for the kids.
Then we have the volunteer stuff at church.( I don’t know why the hell we’re doing that, actually). I guess that was my husband's idea?? and Caroline took up on it. I’d rather stay home and sleep on Sundays. Mae goofs off in church, Jo falls asleep, and I have a hard time paying attention, the only one who listens is Caroline if we go to the service. We’re helping out a little boy with disabilities in his Sunday School classes. He’s sweet. And Mae gets to be in Sunday School which is good for her. But boy would I like a day off from work.
All of this is just part of having too many people inside I guess. Got to share time and be busy doing what bunches of people want to do including sit in on their favorite committees. I know Mae doesn’t like sitting through my silly staff meetings (I sort of like staff meetings, but don’t tell. I LIKE being a teacher. And staff meetings are part of the package.) There is stuff all the time that I have to say no to or delegate to other people. But then Caroline or Missy will say yes. And I might not even find out till a day or 2 later that “I” agreed to do something. Sometimes I go back and tell people, “I’ve thought it over and changed my mind”, but I don’t want to do that very often because I feel like it makes me sound real flakey. And I already seem air headed enough at school as it is (ALWAYS losing stuff, always misplacing things, FOREVER forgetting things, and then when I do take notes I am losing the notes--- my aide jokes about it all the time, that she is there to be my memory and to keep track of things for me). She always jokes about how I am always changing things. She doesn’t realize (thankfully) that its always me, Missy, and Caroline always having differences of opinion in how the class should be run and how the room should look and stuff. My aide’s always telling me “Sit down and sit STILL for a minute!” because I CANT. My mind is always racing and I’m always hearing everyone’s voices inside.
Man, I want some peace and quiet. Maybe this weekend. I am GOING TO FIGURE OUT A WAY to get some peace and quiet. The secret has got to be out there. I just haven’t found it yet.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:23 PM | Comments (0)

September 2, 2005

At my school things are getting underway to help the victims of hurricane Katrina. I have been feeling so helpless. So I'm glad that there are finally some things I feel like I can do. We're having a penny drive, a food and clothing drive, and also many of the displaced victims will be coming to our school district. Many students who were in the hurricane will be coming to our school.
This weekend we're going to be cleaning out closets, pantries, and offices to find good things for them to use since so many have nothing left.
Feeling helpless makes me panic. The effects of the hurricane are worse on Mae. We have to be really careful about watching the news. One of our biggest triggers is animals getting hurt, and if we see an animal in the water... I disappear and Mae comes out crying. I wish we could get over it.
The most important thing right now is for us to focus on doing things for the hurricane victims and to be grateful for what we have. Mae is even going to look through her toys to see what she can give away to other little kids.

Posted by pilgrim at 2:15 PM | Comments (1)

In a comment, someone criticized me for the pettiness of me complaining about gas prices when there are people out there suffering through the hurricane disaster in my post from yesterday.
I absolutely agree. I didn't realize it yesterday. But now I do.
Pettiness.

For a few days, "gas prices" were all I was thinking about. I was avoiding the news and the pictures I would see there. I think it was Monday, Tuesday, and maybe Wednesday, I was not taking ANY of it in. My vision was totally tunnelled into what was immediately in front of me (as is often the case-- i'm often just trying to survive each day on my own.) It wasn't until a couple days ago that I started taking in what was really going on in New Orleans. Just this morning I realized just HOW petty and narrow-minded I was being over something as silly as gas prices when people are out there homeless, hungry, and dying. This morning on my way to work I decided to just forget about how much the cost of gas is, and just concentrate on what I can do to help the victims of the hurricane and being grateful what I HAVE.

I dont care how high gas prices go. I'm not going to complain anymore. At least I HAVE a place to get gas. At least I have a car. At least I have a home that is safe. At least I have my LIFE. And I know where my loved ones are. There are so , so very many people who DONT have these things. What I'm going to concentrate on now is doing whatever I can for them. Widening my vision instead of looking at what's right in front me.

Posted by pilgrim at 8:19 PM | Comments (3)

September 3, 2005

One of our biggest concerns is taking care of the animals who are also victims of Hurricane Katrina. Here are a couple websites where people are taking donations to help the animal victims:

http://www.noahswish.com/

http://www.aspca.org/site/PageServer

Today we cleaned out our closets. Mae even cleaned out her toys. It was kind of hard for her. But she still did it. She was thinking of other children who don't have any toys and that helped motivate her.

I wish so much that I could go to New Orleans and help out more somehow there. I just feel like donating money and supplies isn't enough. I want to BE there. I want to be with the people, especially the children. I want so much to go COMFORT. I want so much to take the children into my arms and rock them and comfort them, and give their parents time to rest. I dont want them to hurt anymore.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:57 PM | Comments (4)

September 4, 2005

I am not even sure what to title this post. It feels so strange to be in the place we currently are.
For years my therapist has been trying to get us to work together inside. It has been 1 battle after another. Between different personalities who dont even like each other and some who downright hate each other, we've had little to agree on and no common thing to work together for. But somehow last night, things started to change. Our challenge from therapy this week was to write about the pros and cons of sticking with the old,"safe", non-healthy way of life versus working toward the challenging, new, recovered, healthy way of life. Sort of like "StuckLand" vs "Recoveryland". The path to Stuckland is one we know well-- it includes eating disorders, cutting, hopelessness, isolation, fears, old rules, and a lot of hiding. A path we've been down hundreds of times. The path to Recoveryland has things on it like challenges, people, friendship, self-esteem, eating, taking care of ourselves. Much harder. From this viewpoint, its also a lot scarier. But the rewards of getting there--- well, those would be much greater. Its a place we haven't been to before, but we hear that its a great place.
But as a group, we've spent years at a crossroads going back and forth over what to do, avoiding a commitment. Someone would want to move down one path, while the rest of the group was wanting to stay behind.
Well FINALLY last night, we were having an internal meeting, and we all came to an agreement (a miracle in itself!).... to all head the same direction and work together.
So... we still may not all like each other, and not always get along, but at least we're all united at last and have decided to all head the same direction-- towards a healthier life.

P.S. We had emailed my therapist last night to tell her we were all on board now for the trip to Recoveryland. Just got an email back from her that starts of with, "REALLY!?!?!?" Heh, she probably was so shocked she probably fell down. ha ha.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:15 PM | Comments (1)

September 5, 2005

I thought I was doing better at this, but apparently I am still losing time. It has happened several times just in the past week and again tonight. I was just in another room "for a few minutes" tonight and my husband said I was in there for almost an hour. I am so confused. I wish this didn't still happen.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:03 PM | Comments (1)

September 9, 2005

I need someone to help me get organized!! Like I see on those home makeover shows where someone's office or house is a complete mess, and this professional organizer person comes in, assesses the mess, and brings in all their no-how and a bunch of files and organizers and a trashcan. Then they throw out a bunch of stuff, re-file things in the best way, organize the person's life, and help them get on the right way.
BUT I need someone to come in and do that with not only my office and my house but also my MIND.
I WOULD PAY BIG BUCKS FOR THIS SERVICE.
Everything is so disorganized, inside and out. I have made some good attempts at making things better, like scrapping the old computer that was so messed up with mixed up files and things we didn't need, and cleaning out TONS of stuff from our house. But all over the place I am losing things, forgetting things, switches are happening really fast. Not sure what's going on in therapy because inside we can't keep track of who's been where and what's been going on.
I do know that the general theme of therapy right now is trying to get everyone inside on track and all in agreement to work on recovery. We HAVE accomplished all agreeing to work on that. Now if we could just ALL be present at one time,and if I could be informed of what's going on all the time, that would help so much and be so much less frustrating!!
But getting everyone to agree that we all need to head in the same direction (towards recovery) is, I think, a big step.
I'll write more about that later. Or whoever is around. We never know who's going to be around from one minute to the next these days.

Posted by pilgrim at 1:50 PM | Comments (3)

September 13, 2005

It has been a while since I advertised my online bulletin board for DID so I thought I would re-post the address. A couple of years ago, a friend and I were frustrated because we couldn't find somewhere online where we felt comfortable posting about our problems with dissociation, so we made up an online support community of our own one summer called A Mind's Journey.

If you have a dissociative disorder and need someone to talk to, this community is very open and friendly. You need to be a member to be able to see all the areas of the board; for privacy, guests can only view certain forums. There are also areas where friends/ loved ones of those with dissociative disorders can post and ask questions.

Please feel free to stop by!

Posted by pilgrim at 10:02 AM | Comments (0)

September 14, 2005

I am trying to make a list of things that I need to do every day so I don't forget. With so much switching going on and just zoning out... its hard to remember what I do every day, hard to keep track of what the others do, hard to remember what even needs to be done.
My list has a place to check off each thing as it gets done every day.

Here's what I have on my list so far: (and I never forget to go to work, BTW )

eat breakfast
eat lunch
eat dinner
take vitamins
take meds
take a break
take a shower
journal
exercise
play with my pets
talk to an outside person
clean the house
do laundry
wash dishes
church/ do volunteer work there
brush my teeth

Can anyone think of other stuff that I might need to add to my list? What are things that need to get done every day? Including fun things?
What are things that people do on a daily basis when you're not wrapped up in eating disordered, self-injury, negative behaviors or in a fog becaues of dissociation?

Posted by pilgrim at 4:20 PM | Comments (4)

September 18, 2005

No therapy this week. Something came up in my therapist's family and she won't be in.
already i feel worse. that means no outlet this week.
appointment to appointment goes by so slow already. i am already so lonely with no one to talk to. now i'm going to miss my 2 hour session this week which i was looking forward to... this is not good.

Jo, inside, is wanting to cut just as much as I do, at the prospect of having no one to talk to for another week. We already have so many things that build up inside. Two hours of therapy a week is not nearly enough to get everything out, but that's all that I can afford (and can't actually afford that, really) and that's all my T has time for in her schedule. So I have to settle for what I can get.

Why does everything get so complicated so fast?

I dont feel like eating tonight. I dont think it will matter if I eat a little less this week. Its not like I am going to have anyone to report to anyway. No one's going to be talking to me or asking me how I'm doing, so it isn't going to matter how I'm doing. I dont have very many people in my life and no friends in real-time. No one's going to notice anything.

i hate having no one to talk to.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:57 PM | Comments (1)

September 19, 2005

I want to help the hurricane victims some more... I am trying to find a way to adopt a cat that has been displaced, someone that needs a home. My cat died a little while ago... and I miss having a cat so much. I've had cats my whole life.I'm looking into the local humane society too. I need a sweet, cuddly kitten or cat to hold in my lap. I miss that so much.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:40 PM | Comments (1)

September 20, 2005

Where DO I find someone to talk to ?
I am so frustrated with this all of the time.
My therapist is wonderful but given that she has a full schedule and a family of her own, she's got 2 sessions a week for me and that is all (and I'm lucky to have that-- I do know.) I can't get ahold of her outside of sessions anymore. There's so much to talk about, but never, never, ever enough time. So she says something that I can do to help myself is to talk to my husband and talk to my friends about what is going on with me.
So. Off I go to my husband and friends to talk to.
Problem 1. Husband isn't home much. Also, he's a therapist. He listens to peoples' problems ALL day long. When he gets home, he needs a little break. I dont want to be whining and complaining all night at him, when he's had to listen to clients all day. Second, he can't "do therapy" on family members. So while we can talk about SOME things, at a certain point he says "You need to talk to you counselor about that." AGGGH. Good boundaries for him--- yay for him. Frustration for me.
Problem 2. Friends are extremely busy and have problems of their own.
One "friend", I am not friends with anymore. Wasn't worth it. A couple friends are great online friends, but they live far away. I have a dear friend named Angie who I love to pieces, and we talk once in a while, but she's got some pretty severe problems of her own. As much as we talk about how much we'd love to live near each other and do things together, the fact remains that we live on opposite sides of the country. My sister is half the country away also, and is often too busy raising her family. She's the best friend-- but I only get to see her twice a year and we hardly ever get to talk, which I just hate, because she makes me laugh so hard and I love spending time with her. Acquaintences at work are merely that--- there is a lot about my life I feel like I CANNOT let them know because it could jeopardize my career--- what would happen if say, one of the others at work found out I had DID? Rumors FLY around schools and school districts. Mental Health Acts or not, I could still lose my job if people thought I wasn't safe to be teaching. I feel like I HAVE to keep my DID, eating disorder, and SI a secret.

So ... therapist sends me to husband and friends... husband sends me to therapist and friends.... friends are not available or just non existent. So.... where exactly do I go?

sorry... i guess i just get tired of only having inside people. i wish i didn't have to slip into a dissociative world to have someone to talk to. I wish so much I could be like a real person and have an actual outside person. I've been praying for a real friend since I was little. Just one. that is all-- just one. i always feel like i'm in everyone's way and unwanted. whether people mean to send that message across or not, it seems that way when weeks and weeks go by and its like i'm invisible. Or when people in my life don't bother to ask things like "How are you doing Pilgrim?" "Whats new?" "What do you think of what's going on?"

i'm going to die someday and no one's going to know what i think about anything. I guess that's why i keep this blog.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:12 PM | Comments (10)

September 22, 2005

Last night we had a bomb dropped on us at work.
Let me tell you, if you ever have an administrator start a staff meeting with "I have some bad news to tell you," RUN SCREAMING FROM THE ROOM. Don't stay even if he has already passed out a few nice bowls of snacks designed to keep you happily munching. Just RUN.

My school is in chaos. Um... AGAIN. School has been in for 6 weeks, and we are once again back to SQUARE ONE. For about the 4th time. I work in a WONDERFUL district and a totally amazing school. I even wrote a letter to 1st Lady Laura Bush bragging to her about my school and how great it is.

But.this.has.got.to.stop.

We have some new staff this year. And low enrollment. And we are losing teachers. Even with children from Hurricane Katrina registering, our enrollment is still low. So.... the principal (new guy) has ONCE AGAIN changed the master schedule. Six weeks into school.

A lot of this has occurred because a school in our district, which has money and supportive parents, has complained a lot about not having enough teachers. So they are getting ours, basically. They make more noise, and they have money, and they're parents (who have money) help them make noise. So they get what they want. Our school is in an impoverished neighborhood, with very poor parents who are drug addicted and just trying to make ends meet. They're too busy trying to feed their children to make much noise.
This isn't, of course, what we tell the parents. What we tell the parents is, "The other school needs our help, so of course, we're happy to help."

Starting Monday, we're all starting ALL OVER AGAIN. Speech, PE, ART, Music, planning periods, and every other class, is ALL changed. So we have to come up with alternate schedule plan B. Or plan F. Or G. Things have changed so much that I forget what plan we're on by now.

I have ONE day to come up with a new, workable schedule. No pressure or anything.

Posted by pilgrim at 3:14 PM | Comments (1)

September 24, 2005

I had the strangest dream the other night. I was one of the inside people, actually inside the forest. You know like in that internal landscape that is inside that I have talked about before. Where everyone stays inside when they’re not doing outside stuff. In my dream I was in the woods. And I was one of the inside people. It was snowy there in the trees. I had the distinct feeling of being INSIDE something else, like my environment was enclosed. And I wanted out. I knew that on the outside, that was where I really wanted to be, but I was stuck running around in the woods. So I managed to find a piece of notebook paper and came across some pencils on the ground. My arms and hands were really heavy but I picked up a pencil and started to write a note that said something like “This is me inside writing to you outside. Please let me out.” only I could barely finish the note and the handwriting looked like Mae’s and I couldn’t spell very well. I was so tired and frustrated trying to communicate with the outside person.
It was just odd because for the first time-- I felt what its like to be one of the inside people.

Posted by pilgrim at 11:48 AM | Comments (1)

September 26, 2005

There's a rumor going around somewhere about me. Its nothing even all that bad, per se. I just wish it wasn't going around. People need to mind there own business.

But it just emphasizes in my mind how much I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL.
I WANT SO MUCH TO BE NORMAL.

I just feel like crawling in a hole. I HATE the inside people. I REALLY HATE THEM. I HATE THAT THEY ARE THERE. I DONT WANT THEM. I WISH THEY WOULD GO AWAY. My life is plenty complicated enough without them. Yah at times they can be helpful and yah many times they have saved my life BUT they have outgrown their usefulness. I want them to be GONE.

my whole life has to be a secret it seems like. people don't understand it. I dont understand it. i'm so sick of this.

And I got home today and accidently saw myself in the mirror (I try not to ever look) and realize I have grown to the size of a small elephant and since I am not allowed to do much exercise and I HAVE to eat sometimes, doing all this eating disorder recovery stuff, and because I have a heart problem (due to years and years of anorexia, which I have no one to blame on but ME) , there is not much I can do about it. So here I am the size of a small elephant and all lumpy and extremely ugly and I'm stuck having to eat something every day and not being able to do 3 hours of exercise like I used to and i 'm so UNCOMFORTABLE in this stupid body and I want OUT. It feels like its all so out of control. Why do people tell me I'm thin when I am clearly, OBVIOUSLY not??

Posted by pilgrim at 6:59 PM | Comments (1)

September 27, 2005

I want to hide away. Just for the month of October. Its coming. The worst time of year for me. And its coming up so fast. Its so strange how it happens. Its like all the pressure just builds up during the year and by October, everything inside is weakend or something. My resistance gets low. For some reason, even now, every little comment is hitting me wrong. I am reacting more strongly. Instead of reacting to things in a recovery-oriented manner, my first reactions are to hide, to cut, to disappear, to dissociate.
Today in therapy I vented about how frustrated I am with myself and everyone inside. How much I want to be normal. How much I feel like a freak. The good part was that my therapist said I sounded more "real", more like a normal person. She said I was using a range of feelings and talking, which IS what "normal" people do. Its "progress." So I guess that even while I can't see it, at least someone can. That's good because I can barely see anything except the coming month pounding down on me.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:58 PM | Comments (0)

September 30, 2005

let me preface this by saying i KNOW this is dumb and it doesnt make sense and its not logical and I KNOW it isn't 19__ anymore and for heavens sake it isn't even OCTOBER yet, October doesn't start til tomorrow. I KNOW this makes no sense. Ok. Consider yourself forewarned.

This was the WEEKEND that everything started that October. That Friday night, HE was at my house. He came to my house that Friday night. Saturday night was our date. First stupid date that should have been our last.

i feel like i'm being strangled. i know its just body memories. I KNOW that. I feel like my wrists are being held so tight. i know it has to be my imagination. i feel like i can't catch my breath right, because i keep forgetting to breathe -- because I keep thinking I cant breathe, I keep remembering not being able to breathe and waking up with someone's hand over my mouth in the dark so I wouldn't scream. I KNOW these things aren't happening, I keep telling myself that, and it keeps going over and over again anyway.

the urge to cut has been so strong today. i've been trying to not even let my arms or hands be in my line of sight because i want to cut them to bits. what would this even prove? i dont know. but it would make me feel better? I dont think so, except for that very short endorphine thing.

i can't scream outside, i want the screams on the inside to get out, i dont know how else, i dont know. its dumb. all day i keep thinking how fat i am, how i should have had that 5 bites of lasagna at lunchtime, there I sat cutting the rest of it up into little pieces, how stupid is THAT, that is such an eating disorder thing that I haven't done in a long time and today it was like I HAD to do it to make me feel better. why did it make me feel better? thats dumb. At the movies tonight I didn't dare get candy... thats too unsafe. This is STUPID. no it isn't. its safe. . No one CARES about this anymore. its time to drop it. we've DONE this round 18 times already, can't we just be done with it and move on? why can't i just forget about it and just start eating right and stop cutting and forget the memories and get ON with my life already?

i am so panicky. this is dumb. panicking isnt going to help anything. i want to c-u-r-l up on my couch under a blanket like Jo does and hide and not come out and i know that isnt going to help anything so i cant do that. my wrists and arms feel like they're aching to be cut. jo wanted to cut so bad last night but didn't. i know she took extra medicine and went to bed. it doesnt work that way on me. i want to figure things out not hide from them. i dont know. HE's not here. At a restaurant though tonight, a guy looked like him. And our waiter was wearing Polo cologne which is what he wore and that stuff makes me gag. There's little reminders of him everywhere.

Posted by pilgrim at 10:45 AM | Comments (0)