Bottled up feelings, making eye contact
I'm carrying a lot of bottled of feelings again. I want to get them out, but even when I'm talking to my therapist (the only person in the world I have to talk to), I can't really let myself talk. We had this really long therapy session the other day and it was so hard, over the dumbest thing. I was a few minutes late, because of traffic, and kept apologizing, I was afraid I'd get into trouble. Of course, that wouldn't happen. My therapist isn't my dad. I know that. But the old tapes inside my head are so ingrained. I kept apologizing and she said I kept acting like I was shaking in my boots. I couldn't help myself. She wanted me to just make eye contact with her so I could see she wasn't mad. But I couldnt do that. I dont make eye contact with anyone, ever. EVER. I had other things to talk about, but she wouldnt let me move on until I could just practice making some eye contact, because its so hard for me, she just wanted me to do this one simple thing. I KNOW its simple. Missy makes eye contact all the time--- SHE stares people down. Everyone else can look at people. Except me. I'm so afraid to. Eyes are windows to the soul. I dont want to see people looking at me and seeing how horrible I am. And I'm so afraid of what I will see if I look at someone, see them being mad or judging me or scaring me.
It took over an hour of a pep talk and talking to myself (and lots of calling myself names because I felt so stupid, and then my therapist talking me out of doing that) just to look at her once for a couple seconds. I was terrified.
I feel so dumb. If everyone else inside can look at people, why can't I?
Its so stupid.
I did get to talk finally, a little bit. But I had to do it from far away. I'm afraid to get started and open up again in therapy. I have to keep quiet. Being back at my family's house for the holidays just reminded me and reinforced all the family's rules that I grew up with-- be quiet, keep my mouth shut, don't tell. So the only thing I actually talked about is the problems we're all having with Mae lately. What I need to talk about is ... well, other stuff. See, I can't even mention it in y journal entry. How dumb is that.
The best thing for me to do is hide. Hide from the feelings that are all bottled up inside me. I have wanted to cut so badly lately. But I haven't.
jo.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
Hello there, my name is Erica and the past few days I have been reading your entire blog. From june 2004 to now. At my job we sit in front of the computer all day, and the point is to answer the phone and make reservations, and january is just a really slow month so I spend a lot of time surfing the net. I have never really read much about DID, but I find it so interesting. I know to you it's a curse but to me it's amazing that our minds are capable of doing such a thing. And do you even realize how strong you are for living all these years with all these people yelling in your head. It's amazing, it truely is, and you don't give yourself enough credit. You are a STRONG person, and a caring person. And if you and all the insiders could cooperate then I think you'd make an excellent mother. And honestly, I think it'd be a lot of fun to play with Mae and Tuck, there are times when I wish I could act like a child for a day, go and play and roll in the grass. It would be fun to have someone who is an adult (as far as your body goes anyways) and can play like a child. I think I'd enjoy hanging out with all of you. Even Jo. You all talk so negatively of her, which I'm sure doesn't help the problem, but I can relate to being a depressed teen. A few years back I hated everyone and wanted to die. I can relate. Anyways, I'm totally rambling aren't I? I feel that because I have read your entire blog, and you may feel somewhat vulnerable because of all the personal info, you can go read my diary if you'd like to. It's on www.freeopendiary.com, and my username is *~purple*koosh~*
I don't have very many entries yet, I just started it, but I don't mind if you read it. And if you ever wanna chat I have msn messenger, and to add me you would just put in my e-mail address, antisocialmisfit27@hotmail.com
My job a lot of times is pretty uneventful so I'm online for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. So write me anytime. Take care hun, and thank you for sharing your life with me. :)