People use 10% of their brains>
There's so much inside my head that it doesn't all fit. Doesn't fit inside my head, doesn't fit inside my body. Everyone inside has their own thoughts and their own memories, but it all has to fit inside one measly brain. It just doesn't all fit. You know the saying that people only use 10% of their brains? While I was growing up, people used to tell me that I must use a lot more than that, because my mind works so fast. Its everyone inside, working on their own things, thinking about their own stuff. I can sit and read a book, watch tv, write something, and read another book, and talk to someone or listen to a lecture all at the same time. It looks like I'm not paying attention at all. But someone inside is taking it all in. My mind is always racing. Everyone inside is always talking, yelling, or arguing. Sometimes on a GOOD day, it might be that I hear only a few of the kids talking in the background. On a bad day its like a roar in my head, like it was last night. On a really bad day, like I had over the winter a couple times, the talking and noise is SO bad that I can't hear anything else. I sometimes wonder if each person inside uses 10% of my brain themselves. Maybe thats why its so loud. Maybe that's why my brain gets so tired sometimes.
I am so lonely. There is so much inside that is all built up that I need to talk about. There isn't anyone to talk to except for my therapist, in real life. In the internet world, I dont feel like I can really be myself because I have to be the strong one who takes care of other people, like on the message board that I run; in the real world, I cannot be my real self either; I have to keep things hidden. I can't be myself anywhere except for in therapy.
Thank God for my therapist and all her patience. But I wish I had a friend. A real friend-- like someone to go to the mall with, or to hang out at Barnes and Noble with. I wish I had someone I could count on to be there for me. I wish I had someone I could talk about all this multiple personality shit with. :( I'm so sick of it. At home I have to keep it a secret. I dont feel like I can talk about it. I don't have any friends that I can trust with this secret either. I wish I didn't have this stupid thing.
I'm just so lonely. All I want is someone to talk to right now. I have so much on my mind.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
Hi Pilgrim,
I wish your husband or someone in real life understood and could be that friend you want, but you certainly shouldn't have to hide things and pretend to be okay around your online friends, especially if you don't have anyone but your T to talk to in real life. I know you've said before that you feel like you have to take care of everyone on the board, but try to just write out what you're really feeling and let us all help you sometimes, it shouldn't be you taking care of everyone, but everyone taking care of each other. Hang in there, and I'm still reading here and listening by the way :)
katy
i know how it feels to have to hide it from everyone. it's not that no one knows, it's just that it is Never To Be Spoken About. whenever i try and be open and ask for help, the people in my life get uncomfortable and don't know what to say. i might as well just avoid the whole akwardness and deal with it myself.
i used to have a few people i was very close with in real life, and i could talk to them about anything. but they've since left, or died. it was hard adjusting back to having no one.
i'm not active on the messageboard though i do read from time to time. i know how much you must care about everyone there, but everyone cares just the same for you.
i was thinking of sending you an email (though you have no clue who i am) saying that i admire you, but i decided this would be better.
take care.
I can't honestly say I know how you feel. I also can't say I wish I did only to the extent to lend you some comfort. I don't have multiple personalities but at times I believve I do have something. Maybe I have it but it isn't as bad, but I can sure relate to the stresses of hearing other people yak all night and day.
Although I can't really do anything about your situation, know that I will pray that this goes away if you really want it to, but in my opinion I think it's pretty unique. I don't see why you feel you have the need to hide that from people like it's a secret. Please explain that to me if you get the chance to see this.
God Bless.
hello there, I really have no idea what you are going through, with the multiple personality thing. But I am very interested in it. I am doing a research paper on Mpd and I just happened to stumble apoun your page here. Now I know this sounds some sort of crazy but I am a very good listener and I would love to just listen to you chat. If you'd like, e-mail me and maybe I can give you my screen name or something, so there is no need to meet in person if you don't wish...seeing as how it could seem like something out of a horror move... haha. Ok well I hope I hear from you. And if I don't Good Luck with life. Its a tough world.
hello. i think someone i care about very deeply may have this. please give any advice on how to go about to help/approach this person with sensitivity and show openness/safety in letting the other person know that they can trust/talk to me.
I have made that same wish too Pilgrim. *hugs* I have also hidden it away too. I have always felt the way you described it was so perfect. I have some wonderful online friends and I am able to be myself with them. Maybe we can chat sometime?