Just a very frustrating day.
I was really looking forward to therapy today. Last week went so well. And I worked really, really hard on the homework I had for this week. We were working on mindfulness, and core beliefs that I have, and a bunch of other stuff that I can't remember atm.
But today was so frustrating.
this is partly my fault (MOSTLY my fault) and partly my therapist's fault.
I went in mostly shut down (exhaustion) but I was REALLY looking forward to another good 2 hour session like we had last week, because last week was great.
We have been having 2 hour sessions on Tuesdays for a while now. They are more productive.
Well I was having trouble answering my T's questions, she was grilling me on stuff I didn't understand, and wanted to talk about stuff like progress and if I thought she was helping her, which she is, but I didn't want to talk about that, I wanted to have a discussion continuuing last week's stuff, so I started to fade out.
Then Mae REALLY wanted to talk, and I was tired anyway, so Mae started to take over (she is 5). Mae was laying on the floor talking when T said something about it being time to go. Mae FREAKED because the it had been only 1 hour, not 2. Long story short, T had made a mistake and booked someone at after me. After weeks and weeks of us going from at a certain time, all of a sudden, she thinks we're only going to be there one hour? I think thats what really got mae going. Well T looked it up, and lo and behold, she DID have us down for 2 hours, so she went out and asked the other girl to go I guess. By then though apparently Mae was curled up on the couch crying (dammit!!), and T said something about getting herself together and finishing the session. Apparently Mae took this as "time to leave, the other girl wins."
So Mae left, having an asthma attack because she was so worked up. Mae driving home is NOT a good thing. Having a 5 year old who takes over your body, and talks out loud about how she is going to burn her hands and pound her fingers with a hammer when she gets home is not my favorite conversation to overhear.
Now get this.
T calls me a little bit ago. "You left"
Yes, apparently I did, says I. Mae was there and I think she left.
Turns out that T was coming BACK to do another hour with mae.
DAMMIT! And MAE WALKED OUT when T wasn't looking!!
T called to apologize for double booking, and I don't know what she and Mae talked about exactly. But now I feel terrible, and Mae feels sick to her stomach, I don't feel so great either ... we lost an hour with T this week because of Mae walking out and trying to hide, and because T made a mistake (we already accepted her apology, now we're just trying to deal with OUR mistake of leaving)...
now we have to wait til Monday to talk again.
and there was so much saved up to say today. mae was going to get to talk and she had so much she wanted to talk about today.. I feel bad for Mae even.
And there's no way to get that hour back, and no way to reschedule for this week.
We even wanted mae to get a chance to talk. I have a sick feeling in my stomach.
Mae is saying something... about how T wants mistakes to not become... so big? So "tragical"...? I think what T probablysaid was something about how Mae needs to learn to not be so intense when something goes wrong. Mae, at 5, is just now learning to control her emotions. It wasn't until a couple of years ago that she started learning what "happy" is. She had "sad" covered all over her life. But she still takes things so hard when she is sad.
Along with things at work now we're going to have a 5 year old on our hands who's feeling things intensely and feeling abandoned. We're planning to take her to see Curious George on Saturday, hopefully that will help, and we've got some new watercolors, maybe painting will help her express herself some.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
