A night that changed me forever

I hope we have time to talk about this in therapy today.
I woke up crying this morning from a dream about an old friend. She died in a car accident right after high school graduation. The accident was her fault. She and I had been friends ever since 1st grade.

Before the car accident, I had started college. I was doing really well. I was determined that college was going to be a new life for me. I was putting my "old life" behind me. I was leaving the anorexia behind, and trying to leave the voices behind me too, and all my old bad habits like cutting. In the morning, I'd dress myself all collegiate-- blazers and plaid skirts. And I'd grab and apple and pop-tarts, and take a lunch, and my books. I studied more than I exercised. I started being assertive with my abusive boyfriend-- telling him I needed to study, that he couldn't hang around with me all the time, which gave me some much-needed time and space to think about whether I really wanted such a self-absorbed jerk in my life. I was even making friends at college. I was talking. I started to be outgoing.

Then... one Saturday night, my friend died. And it hit me like a train. I didn't have anyone with me to help me absorb the blow. I remember going home in a daze. Wandered into the living room looking for a newspaper, but nothing was in the paper. Somehow I made my way into my bedroom, turned off the light, and sat on my bed staring into space all night long. I couldn't move. I couldn't think. It couldn't be real. But it was. She was dead, it was her fault, she was my age, I didn't have anyone to talk to.

I started having nightmares about car accidents. My eating disorder came back extra-strong, with extra behaviors added just for good measure :( . I started cutting again. My mind became more of a tangle of voices and dissociation. I was lost in my head most of the time. I started screaming into my pillow in the middle of the night. Became so afraid of driving that I stil am afraid to, many years later.I never did make any friends after all. Missy took over and finished college for me-- I still don't know what classes I took or what I learned the rest of the time there. I'm so different than I was that first semester.

This morning I dreamed that we had a class reunion, and all of us were there. Everyone in my class as 4th graders, innocent kids, and my friend was there. Then all of us as seniors. And my friend walked past me. I saw her. I SAW HER. Just as good as new. I tried to call for her, but she didn't hear me. When I woke up, I realized it was because she was already dead. But I SAW her. I saw her. And I realized again how much I miss her. How much I changed. Wondering what I would have been like if she hadn't died and it hadn't had such a big impact on my life.
I've spent so many, many hours agonizing over the impact it must have had on her family, and all the pain they must go through. My heart still hurts so much for them. I cannot imagine. I can't imagine how their lives changed... if MY life changed so much, what did it do to THEM? It isn't fair. And the accident was all her fault. It isn't fair.

there's more to say...but... i dont think i can right now.
i just miss her. and i miss the old me.

Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:

1. Posted by Austin of Sundrip on March 7, 2006