Its a crazy life here
One more week of school and then maybe I will start feeling like a human being again. Everything has been absolutely insane all week. I go in early, stay late, and work through lunch to try to get tons of paperwork done and my classroom packed up. My assistant is driving me nuts and all the kids in the school are acting up, including my good kids. Five more days!! Next weekend at this time I will finally be able to relax!
A situation at work has my blood pressure soaring every time it pops into my mind, and I'm just so frustrated by it and having such a hard time letting go of it. The way that the world works just SUCKS big time and even though I can't go into detail here about what's going on at work, I think it totally sucks that people who do a bad job at work can still get a good evaluation, when there are those of us who completely work our butts off and deserve the good evaluations we get. The work world BITES. Apparently, it has no morals. Forget the real world. I like my world better. And I'm supposed to get better, and be out in the real world more? No thanks. I'll take dissociation.
I haven't heard anything from my sister for a whole week and I miss her a lot. I know she's super busy with her new baby and her little girl but I wish I would hear something. I just hope they're doing ok. My family doesn't give me updates either, they don't call and rarely e-mail. I feel very in the dark. With my whole family, "out of sight=out of mind" for them. I feel like to them, I don't even exist anymore.
This morning I woke up really lonely. Last night I'd had dreams about my sister, and some old friends, and my ex best friend. In my dreams it was just so nice to have people to talk to again. In my dreams we had been hanging around our old house and my old college. It had felt so good to feel included. Then I woke up and realized that those days are gone, and so are all the people in them. I went to DID group this afternoon, but no one showed up so I left after half an hour of waiting. There are just some people that I miss so much. It makes my heart ache.
My husband and I have been going on walks almost every night and I like that. He's trying to get into shape, and I'm trying to not be fat. It gives us a chance to hang out a little bit and talk some. Usually since we're outside, I dissociate and Mae comes out, or even Tuck, because they like to be outside so much, but hopefully my husband doesn't notice, because the kids try really hard to "sound grown up".
Mae has been making some more progress. She talked to my therapist for a little while at Tuesday's appointment-- I don't know what about. But when it came time to leave, there needed to be an adult come back to drive home. And Mae willingly pulled away from the front and let an adult take back over. Then tonight, Mae started freaking out about something and going on about the bad people, but only for about a minute and she let help her out and I talked to her for a minute, then took back over, and even though she's still scared, she isn't taking over completely and she isn't having a total meltdown. Yay for her!
I think that things will be getting much better over the next couple of weeks. I'm STILL sticking to my meal plan, so I feel healthier. I'm not doing any eating disordered stuff, no one has been cutting or anything. And I always do better in the summer anyway, so things should keep going well.
(I just have to survive the last week of school.)
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
Yay for her! Yah for Mae and for the progress you are making w/ the eating and caregiving inside.
Austin
YaY Mae!!! Good job. There are actually DID groups??? Can you post something about that on AMJ?
Liz
I'm feeling quite ambivalent about school being out myself--not as much time to myself but we won't be tied to the school schedule, which is good. Hey, I've had some requests on my dot com site for more DID info (I've got a dissociative disorder, but not DID). I'm behind on updating my site but I'm trying to get some links up on my blog. So, I'll be looking around. Looks like you've provided lots of information. Thanks!
Hi, I too was diagnosed with DID, and even though I have a wonderful support group, I'm just trying to reach out to those who also understand and aren't afraid to speak openly about it...:) I don't know...sometimes it can be hard, but you probably hear that alot...