Mothers Day
this just is not the best of days, no one here handles it very good i guess not even Caroline.stirs up too many memories. Mae gets so sad too even when she remembers when there were nice times when she was littler making rice crispy treats with mom and playing tea party because its been such a long time ago. this is just not a good day. everyone is no one today here. i'm so fat and disgusting. i dont want any food in me. every calorie goes straight to my stomach and my hips and makes me fatter and fatter.
Last week we went to the mall (not MY idea!) and I walked past this girl and she looked at me and whispered to her friend "She's so skinny." Which is such a complete lie because its so obviously that i'm not. i can't even shop in the womens clothing department anymore because i'm too big to fit in the clothes. i have to shop in the mens department now to find clothes that fit. i'm fatter than everyone i know. i'm so ugly and disgusting. i cant stand it. i wish i was invisible.
nobody
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
Its a holiday today, they are hard for most people. I think it might be a very triggering time for you as well...plus, you have a lot going on right now w/ the new baby, a trip coming up, work and homelife along w/ friends. you've got a lot going on so yeah, i'd think you would be overwhelmed and upset.
sometimes when i can't see or trust myself I have to trust the judgment of others. i often do not trust my own eyes. i have to let my friends tell me if i'm too big or too small because in my head it gets all mixed up. I have to trust others and let them be my eyes because when it comes to size i seem to be blind.
I also think that along with the annorexia is the need to be invisible...the smaller the body the more invisible you are...the less likely you are to be seen the less you'll be burdened by others...the less you'll feel you've disappointed them or let them down or made what you said were stupid mistakes. being invisible gives us a way to simply not be seen so that we can't feel like we've let others down. I wonder if this ties into the annorexia for you at all..
just some thoughts...
Austin